Legally Blind Blunders

I was visiting a friend in Florida and we had played golf all day. Leaving the dressing room, the hallway was a bit crooked. I saw this guy coming toward me, and I moved over to dodge him. He moved too. I moved again. He moved again. This continued for several steps until I realized I was trying to dodge my own reflection in a mirror at the end of the hallway.

My golf friends are always pulling tricks on me. One day my buddy stomped on my golf ball, pushing it into the ground about half way. Of course, I tried to putt it from there, not realizing it was half-buried. The ball barely got out of there and we all had a big laugh.

Sometimes -- as I am addressing the ball on the tee, the ball falls off the tee without my realizing it. Of course, I swing anyway -- sometimes I miss, sometimes I make contact -- only because there was an extra coat of paint on the ball.

One day I chipped a mushroom -- thought it was the ball! My opponents really loved this!

Sometimes I play with a yellow golf ball because I can see it better - or I think I can. One day I swung at some yellow flowers. They did not go very far and neither did my ball!

A piece of paper carelessly thrown in high grass can look like a golf ball to me. Those don't go very far either.

Golf can be exciting for a legally blind fellow. One day I stepped on a branch and it hit me in the leg. My friends began to yell "Whitey, Whitey, it's a snake!" This large black snake had bitten me twice on the ankle and ran off into the woods. So they laughed saying Blackie had bitten Whitey.

My ball marker is white and unusually large. The guys think it is funny when I try to line up my ball marker -- it looks like the ball to me! I also have lined up leaves from time to time. This does not give my partners much confidence in my game.

By the way, I am also recognized as the NCAA National Fire Ant Finder. They are attracted to me!

I don't drive golf carts anymore -- that came to a halt the day I ran over my neighbor on the golf course!

By the way, a lot of luck is involved in golf -- no matter what the experts tell you! Since my vision loss, I have made 3 holes-in-one, and have sunk shots from the fairway using the following clubs -- 7 wood, 2 iron, 5 iron, 6 iron and 9 iron.

In harm's way -- it is not wise to be around me or in front of me when I am hitting that white ball out of a bunker.

We used to have a little white poodle in our house. His name was PeeWee. He was a tiny little animal. One day I drop-kicked a pillow in the living room -- wide right - but it was actually PeeWee! It ruined his whole day! He survived that disaster, learned to stay out of my way and lived to be 17 years old.

I love to dance! At a dance one night, I wanted to dance with my daughter-in-law. I yelled out over the music, as is my custom, "Monica, let's dance!" She grabbed my hand and we headed to the dance floor. We were having a grand time, when I realized the lady was not my daughter-in-law. Another lady named Monica had heard my call and responded. We both got a big chuckle out of that!

Oh, also, I don't use fifty dollar bills anymore. I got change for a twenty one time.

I do not drink alcohol. Actually I never have -- but that's another story! There are times I have taken a swig out of a cup thinking it was a Diet Coke - and it turned out to be beer. Not fun for me!

At the club one day I was calmly eating lunch and grabbed the catsup for my fries. That's normal enough, right? Well, it was not catsup. Someone had left a bottle of beer on the table. Uh oh! Beer on my fries!

Of course, they are used to me at the club. It's a good thing they are. I turn over glasses of tea and cola entirely too often!

When I enter the 19th hole to eat lunch - everybody takes notice. I have been known to seat myself at the wrong table! But only once have I entered a Ladies Restroom by mistake!

I walk my dog in the early morning - before daylight - with a blinker light on my hip, of course. I use the street lights as a guide. If we have overnight guests or the car is parked in a different place, I walk right into it! Side view mirrors take a hit!

"Joan, Joan, come quick! You have to see this gorgeous moon!" (It was a street light!)

Oh one of my favorite stories is the day Joan was to pick me up downtown after an errand. A car pulled up and I jumped in. Only it was not Joan! It was a friend of ours who thought I looked like I needed a lift! Thank you for the ride, David A!

And the top story -- I got hit by a car on a golf trip to Scotland. I looked left first and stepped into a car. Broke my leg and foot!