let's laugh

This explains why I forward jokes..

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble... At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.

When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.. 'Wow! Would you happen to have some water?' the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up. 'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveller asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog..

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveller filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveller asked.

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveller said. 'The man down the road said that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell.'

'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind.'

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get? A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!

Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he made the teacher quite surprised.

He tapped her on the shoulder and said., "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades....somebody is going to get a spanking...."

This is How to Explain How We Came to Be. The New Generation Would Never Believe the Old Fashioned Way.

Daddy, How was I Born??

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down....You'll love this .........

'You Got Male!

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mum just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mum?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mum like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mum?

1. My mum has always been my mum and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mum need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mum marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mum eats a lot .

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mum didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1.. Mum doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.

2. Mum. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.

4. I guess mum is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between mums and dads?

1. Mums work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Mums know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Mums have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mum do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mum, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.

2. I'd make my mum smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes in the back of her head.

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN

The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.

However, the gates are closed, And Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, It is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, And we have been administering An entrance examination for everyone.

The test is short, but you have to Pass it before you can get into Heaven.'

Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance Exam. I sure hope that the test isn't too hard. Life was a big enough test As it was.'

St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I Know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First:

What two days of the week Begin with the letter T?

Second:

How many seconds are there in a year?

Third:

What is God's first name?'

Forrest leaves to think the questions over.

He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and Says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, Tell me your answers.'

Forrest replied, 'Well, the First one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow.'

The Saint's eyes opened wide and He exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do Have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit For that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.

'How many seconds in a year?

Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about That, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'

Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds In a year?'

Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's Got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '

'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, Though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give You credit for that one, too.

Let us go on with the third and final question.

Can you tell me God's first name'?

'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.'

'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated And frustrated St Peter. 'Ok, I can understand how you Came up with your answers to my first two questions, But just how in the World did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'

'Shucks, that was the easiest One of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,

ANDY WALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TALKS WITH ME,

ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, And said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'

Lord, Give me a sense of humor

Give me the ability to understand a clean joke,

To get some humor out of life,

And to pass it on to other folks !

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look,

What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,

"I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old"..
The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old bum ?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.

(Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)

A blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory cattle station owner

One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'

The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'

'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.

Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'

The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,

'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.

Buy Smash mashed potato mix. Keeps in the cupboard for up to a year.

_________________________________________________________________

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking tin, use a bit of dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Go to the bakery! Hell, they'll even decorate it for you!

__________________________________________________________________

Wrap celery in aluminium foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

Celery? Never heard of it!

__________________________________________________________________

Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink! All your pains go away!

__________________________________________________________________

Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

Leftover wine??????? HELLO!!!!!!

__________________________________________________________________

Lastly, if you don't forward this to one of your friends within the next 5 minutes, your belly button will unscrew and your bum will fall off.

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place..

______________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year- old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shitting me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.

Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?

What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No .

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And that my friends is a good example why, most politicians in our government and courts are lawyers and our nation is so screwed up.

A cat dies and goes to Heaven. God meets him at the gate and says, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask". The cat says, "Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors". God says, "Say no more", and instantly a fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later, six mice are killed in a tragic accident and they go to Heaven. God meets the mice at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said "All our lives we've had to run. Cats, dogs, and even women with brooms have chased us. If we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn't have to run anymore". God says, "Say no more", and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates.

About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks, "How are you doing, are you happy here?" The cat yawns and stretches and says, "Oh, I've never been happier in my life, and those meals on wheels you've been sending over are the best!"

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "

it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife..

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Well, did you help him?", asked his wife.

I did not, it's 3am in the morning and it's bloody pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!

"God loves drunk people, too, you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes!", comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing." replied the drunk.

Wow! It took me a few seconds, but then I got the hang of it... I've seen this with the letters out of order, but this is the only the second time I've seen it with numbers.

F1gur471v3ly 5p34k1ng?

Good example of a Brain Study: If you can read this you have a strong mind:

7H15 M3554G3
53RV35 7O PR0V3
H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N
D0 4M4Z1NG 7H1NG5!
1MPR3551V3 7H1NG5!
1N 7H3 B3G1NN1NG
17 WA5 H4RD BU7
N0W, 0N 7H15 LIN3
Y0UR M1ND 1S
R34D1NG 17
4U70M471C4LLY
W17H 0U7 3V3N
7H1NK1NG 4B0U7 17,
B3 PROUD! 0NLY
C3R741N P30PL3 C4N
R3AD 7H15.

PL3453 F0RW4RD 1F U C4N R34D 7H15.

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one..

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Royal Easter Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully this coming election, the bells are not always audible.

A lady is helping her husband installing his computer, then having completed that successfully, she said that he now should have a password that he would easily remember, so that he would be able to use his computer when it asked him his password.

Being a bit of a He man, he winks at his wife and says "penis",

As he enters the password and presses the mouse button, his wife bursts into a hysterical fit of laughter.......

The computer responded: "Too Short" entry refused.

A little girl asks her mum, 'Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the block?'

Her mum replies 'No, because she is on heat.'

'What does that mean?' asked the child.

'Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage.'

The little girl goes out to the garage and says, 'Dad, can I take Lulu for a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and to come ask you.'

He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the scent, and said 'Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the leash and only go one time around the block.'

The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash..

Surprised, Dad asked, 'Where's Lulu?'

!!!!!!!!!)................

The little girl said, 'She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block, so another dog is pushing her home.'

The marriage of an 80 year old man and a 20 year old woman was the talk of the town. After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, 'This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You got to keep the old motor running.

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, 'Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?'

The old man grinned and said, 'You gotta keep the old motor running..'

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and, after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, 'Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?'

The old man replied, 'It's like I've told you before, you gotta keep the old motor running.'

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: 'Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.'

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.

2. Blonds aren't as dumb as most folks think.

January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February

Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....

Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March

Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'

April

Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May

Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June

Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July

Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August

Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.

September

The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October

Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November

Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ..instructions said 1 hour pound and I weigh 108!!

December

Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven'Button on the stupid phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless Man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I ain't never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol .. Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke .. Dead.

The third worm in chocolate syrup .. Dead.

The fourth worm in good, clean soil .. Alive .

So the Minister asked the congregation, "What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service !!

"Grown up Word"

The kindergarteners were now in the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words.

She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer.

The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said, "No, No, you went on a trip on a 'train.' That's the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book.

The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, "Winnie the sh*t."

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?' The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?'' The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!' While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.' The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.' The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem .. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill..'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

You don't stop laughing because you grow old.. You grow old because you stop laughing! Take heed and pass these along to people who need a laugh. I thought you would enjoy this....times are tough right now...for all of us... so we need something to make the day a happy place. "They" haven't found a way to tax you for laughing yet.

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I realized that we are being inundated with a lot of misinformation.

It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years...and you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm going to retire. Go around me!

While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

Traffic Ticket - $95.00

Court Costs - $45.00

Look on the Cop's Face...............PRICELESS

A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace.

Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic's lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.

The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn't find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard. The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight.

Realizing what had happened he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me!"

A new Priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the Monsignor how he had done.

The Monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C..

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8) David slew Goliath; he did not kick the shit out of him..

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for this is my body." He did not say,"Eat me."

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.

The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for Blood plasma..

********************************* ******************************************

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

Oh go ahead...I'll wait...

****************************************************************************

Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks.

(So, watch your Ass )

************************************************************************

You burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.

**************************************************************************

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.

****************************************************************************

The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.

*************************************************************************

The King of Hearts is the only king WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE

***************************************************************************

American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.

**************************************************************************

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

(Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you?)
(That women are going the 'right' direction...?)

*********************************************************************

Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning .

************************************ ***********************************

Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN !

************************************************************************ ****

The first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer.

So did the first ' Marlboro Man'.

***************************************************************************

Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!

**************************************************************************

PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR !

*********************************************************************

The three most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca Cola , and Budweiser, in that order.

**********************************************************************

It is possible to lead a cow upstairs... but, not downstairs.

************************************************************************

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

************************************************************************

Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.

(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now !)

***************************************************

And the best for last....

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(I know some people like that, don't YOU ?)

So........................

Remember, knowledge is everything,......and go move your toothbrush !!!

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.

One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:

The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(You'll love this)

"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other,and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University).

So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".

But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Richie Benaud.

"Richie Benaud!!!!", they cried. They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Richie Benaud because he's just ....

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?

*

OK! You asked for it: Here it is!

*

*

... just a COMMONTATER!"

A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said, "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

Sermon complete, he sat down.

The song leader stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, nearly laughing, "For our closing song, let us sing Hymn #365, "Shall We Gather at the River."

Smile, life is too short not to !!

If this brightened your day Don't let it stop here share this with a smile

Keep spreading the Cheer.

See you at the river.

A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.

Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,

'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.

I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.

The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh

... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.

She started Adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.

Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.

The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

Now, that's funny... I don't care WHO you are

While conducting some business at the Court House, I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honor, I'm guilty but.......there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances." I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honor, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept.. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

Fine, I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights.. I'll be right back.."

Before I could shout NOOOO! She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "maintenance men Extraordinaire" found me....half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite Hi, how's it going type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off..

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store....

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed!

A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. "If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Irish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings."

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths buying a large bag of Purina dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

I'm now banned from Woolworths.

Better watch what you ask retired people.

They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

Commandment 1

Marriages are made in heaven.
But then again, so is thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2

If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, Talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3

Marriage is grand -- and divorce is at least a 100 grand!

Commandment 4

Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Commandment 5

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6

Marriage is when a man and woman become as one;
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you said.
After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8

Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook.
But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9

Marriage and love are purely a matter of chemistry.
That is why one treats the other like toxic waste.

Commandment 10

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.

BONUS COMMANDMENT STORY

A long married couple came upon a wishing well. The wife leaned over, made a wish and threw in a penny.
The husband decided to make a wish too. But he leaned over too much, fell into the well, and drowned.
The wife was stunned for a moment, but then smiled, 'It really works!'

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Larry?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter", asked Larry "Giving up?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, "Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Larry quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals.

One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

"Yes" said the policeman. "The detectives want very badly to capture him."

Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest.

After a few minutes, Larry asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"

His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."

Larry, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mum ....."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If this brightened your day, don't let it stop here share it on with a smile

Keep spreading the cheer!

HAVE A HAPPY DAY

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

(scroll down)
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Port Macquarie , Australia .

They turned a corner and see a sign that says, 'Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.?

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this Is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini..

In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis.....shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment.

Then look at each other...they can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please..'

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all old retired farts from the caravan park waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!'

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction..

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt .."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"

SMILE, You've still got your sense of humour, RIGHT?

Next time you have a bad day at work... Think of this bloke.

Rob is a commercial saturation Diver for Global Divers in Western Australia . He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Perth , who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won!

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the side of the suit. I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until, all of a sudden, my arse started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my arse started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was already done. In agony, I realised what had happened.

The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my arse was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my arse. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all in fits of hysterical laughter. I was then instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the Medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my arse as soon as I got into the chamber.

Yes the cream put the fire out, but I couldn't sh*t for two days because my arse was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your bum.

Now repeat to yourself "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. No one I know has got it right.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a man who she did not know. She thought he was amazing. She believed him to be her perfect partner and fell in love with him, but not having asked for his telephone number she did not know how to find him again.

A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer].
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral.

If you answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath.

An American psychologist used this question to test the mentality of suspected murderers.

Many serial killers took part in the test and answered the question correctly.

If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.

If you got the answer right, please let me know so I can take you off my email list.

(You'll be relieved to know I got it wrong!)

The latest quick test for Alzheimer's.

If you are over 45 yrs old you MUST take this test.

Here goes:

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM

2. F_ _K

3. P_N_S

4. PU_S_

5. S_X

6. BOO_S

|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
/

Answers:
1. RANDOM
2. FORK
3. PANTS
4. PULSE
5. SIX
6. BOOKS

You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?

You do NOT have an Alzheimer's - you have a Sex Problem!

Q. Name the four seasons.
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental. (At least they get to travel!)

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true!)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..(WTF!)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie. (This person has a career in politics awaiting!)

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.

Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work.)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.(Irrefutable!)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny umbrellas.

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Be nign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant)

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

Politically Incorrect Joke of the Day:

What do you call the first Afghan off the boat?
Amhere!

What do you call the second Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwel!

What do you call the third Afghan off the boat?
Amhere Azwell Azhim!

Pantyhose Riddle

Too Cute not to Share!!!!!

HAVE A WONDERFUL SMILEY DAY!!!

Q: How many animals can you fit into a pair of pantyhose?

Now, think about it...
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ready? scroll down, you'll love this..........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
answer:
.
.
.
.
.
.
10 little piggies,

2 calves,

1 ass,

and an unknown number of hares,

And of course one (1) . . ....

Come on, you know you're laughing!

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
So love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

For several years, a man had been having an affair with an Italian woman.

One night, she confided to him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy and secretly have the child.

Also, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.

To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a postcard, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back when the child was born. He would then arrange for the Child Support Payments to begin.

One day, about 8 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.' Oh, just give it to me he said and I'll explain it later.

The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die
2.. A very old friend who once saved your life.
3.. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.
.
.
.
.
.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....................
.
.
.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer.

He simply answered:

'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER....., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

Gosh, I just love happy endings!

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life - Remember

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written An impressive new book. It's called ........... 'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink And be Mary..

3. The difference between the Pope and Your boss, the Pope only expects you To kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, One brilliant Flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to Your door is if you're in the bathroom.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and That ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just Vending machines and a large trash can.

10. If you need a shoulder to cry on, pull off to the side of the road.

11. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment...for enjoying sex.

12. As you slide down the banister of life, may The splinters never point the wrong way...

Be who you are and say what you feel... because those that matter... don't mind...and those that mind...don't matter!

During our recent flood, a young girl was perched on top of a house with a little boy.

As they sat watching articles float by in the water, they noticed an old hat go past.

Suddenly, the hat turned and came back, then turned around and went downstream.

After it had gone some distance, again it turned and came back.

They watched as it did this a number of times.

"Do you see that hat?" said the girl in amazement. "First it goes downstream, then turns around and comes back, then it goes back downstream and then it comes back again."

"Oh, that's nothing, it's only my dad," replied the boy. "This morning my Mum said that come hell or high water, he had to mow the lawn today."

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush....."

SO SORRY I know there's something wrong with me for sending you this. Just couldn't help it!

The little voices made me do it!!! and I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you? - I know you did!

March was when my son celebrated his 15th birthday, and I got him an iPhone.

He just loved it. Who wouldn't?

I celebrated my birthday in July, and my wife made, me very happy when she bought me an iPad.

My daughter's birthday was in August so I got her an iPod Touch.

September came by so for her birthday i got my wife an iRon.

It was around then that the fight started......

What the wife failed to recognise is that the iRon can be integrated into the home network with the iWash, iCook and iClean.

Although this inevitably activates the iNag reminder service.

Note - it has completely destroyed the iRoot functionality.

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track.. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.
Mitch bet big on it, and it won.

Mitch was elated. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.

By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day. Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.

Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings - all of it!'.

The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. 'My Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and Last Rites.'

A man walked into a bank in New York City one day and asked for the loan officer.

He told the loan officer that he was going to London on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan.

The man handed over the keys to a new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank.

He produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later, the man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest, which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.

What puzzles us is, why bother to borrow $5,000?

The man replied: 'Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return'

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.. ' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals,

A Lion , A Chimp , A Giraffe ,

.....AND...

A Squirrel

They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . ..

Try and answer within 30 seconds. Got your answer?

Now scroll down to see the analysis.
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're dense.

Giraffe = you're a complete moron.

Squirrel = you're hopeless.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked.

You should take some time off and relax

Arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained,"It's the chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the chemist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the chemist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tyre."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of coins against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilt all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the coins and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

The economy is so bad Brad and Angelina have fired their nannies and trying to learn the names of their own children...

*****************************************************************

The economy is soooo bad, I got a "pre-declined" in the mail!!!

*****************************************************************

The economy is soooo bad, if the bank returns your check marked "insufficient funds", you call and ask if they meant you or them.....

*****************************************************************

The economy is soooo bad, I ordered a burger at McDonalds and the kid behind the counter asked "Can you afford fries with that?".....

****************************************************************

The economy is soooo bad, Motel six won't leave the light on anymore.....

****************************************************************

The economy is soooo bad, A truck load of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico!!!

***************************************************************

The economy is soooo bad, Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen!!!

**************************************************************

The economy is soooo bad, McDonalds is selling the "quarter-ouncer"!!!

***************************************************************

The economy is soooo bad, Hot Wheels and Matchbox stock are trading higher than Chrylser and GM

***************************************************************

The economy is soooo bad, CEO"s are now playing miniature golf!!!

***************************************************************

Congress says they are looking deeper into the Bernie Madoff scandal. Well, ain't that just great. The guy who made $50 billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 trillion disappear!!!

****************************************************************

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table..

He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back!

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks.

They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Wait for it. .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It's coming. .
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
.
.
.
.
.
.
She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".

"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says.. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".

Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".

She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Paraprosdokians Examples

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. Check out the following for examples:

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

6. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

7. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

8. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

9. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

10. The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse always gets the cheese.

11. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.

12. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of a pool and throw them fish.

13. I thought I wanted a career, but it turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

14. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, "In an emergency, notify:" I always put, "DOCTOR."

15. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.

16. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but always check when you say the paint is wet?

17. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You definitely need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some darned good ideas!

20. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

21. Hospitality: Making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

22. I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

23. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

24. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

25. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

26. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

27. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

28. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

29. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

30. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Hope this caused a giggle at least.

For Lexophiles (lovers of words)

A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow -- Fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy, it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's Your count that votes.

If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.

When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

She suddently noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mummy?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white".

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Mummy, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Natural Laws

Now These Really Do Ring True!!

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.

2. Law of the Workshop - Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of the Telephone - When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.

4. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the next morning you will have a flat tyre.

5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now. (works every time)

6. Bath Theorem - When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you have just rushed out to get something and haven't bothered to get dressed up or (for the ladies) put on make-up.

8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

9. Law of Bio-mechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Theatre Rule - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.

11. Law of Coffee - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich of landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.

Did some of these ring true for you?

Life's like that isn't it?

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR..

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was.. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather..

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
--------------------------------------------------------
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.....
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________

The English Plural according to....

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square,
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write, but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them,
What do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the folks who grew up speaking English
Should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.
In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?

We ship by truck but send cargo by ship...
We have noses that run and feet that smell.
We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway.
And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
While a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
In which your house can burn up as it burns down,
In which you fill in a form by filling it out,
And in which an alarm goes off by going on.

And in closing..........

If Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop.????

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

I just couldn't help but send this along. Too funny.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Really? Ya think?
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Now that's taking things a bit far!

-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

What a guy!
---------------------------------------------------------------

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
------------------------------------------------------

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

See if that works any better than a fair trial!
----------------------------------------------------------

War Dims Hope for Peace

I can see where it might have that effect!
----------------------------------------------------------------

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Ya think?!
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Who would have thought!
----------------------------------------------------------------

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

They may be on to something!
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Weren't they fat enough?!
-----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

That's what he gets for eating those beans!
---------------- ---------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
***************************************************

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?
***************************************************

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

Teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.'

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.

The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'

You're going to love the Dad's reply:

To this his father replied, '

Did you also notice they walked everywhere they went?'

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

So God saw it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again saw it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch

How to wash a cat

This was simply too much of a timesaver not to share it with you.

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl...

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'Power-Wash' and 'Rinse'.

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Yours Sincerely,

The Dog

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.
For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'w' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on 'START'.............

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.
A boy, about 9, opened the door

"Is your Dad or your mum home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard?Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

"I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message.

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad.It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment...

"You would have to talk to Dad about that.I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."