Weight Issues

*YEP THAT'S ME - 2006*

When I first contemplated constructing this lens, it became apparent to me that it was going to be more difficult than I originally thought due to the fact that publishing this lens would mean I would have to admit to my own personal inner demons concerning my weight. However, once rationality set in I began to realize that if telling my story and experiences would be helpful and inspirational to just one person, then it would make it all worth while and that is important to me!

*YEP THIS IS ME - 2008*

Now, here is my story.....

Growing up I was never a fat or obese child. I was very active and able to eat whatever I wanted and not worry about gaining an ounce it seemed. During my teen years I had a lot of emotional issues, never feeling like I was good enough or pretty enough although I had all my friends and family telling me otherwise. I ended up with an eating disorder because of my self-doubt and insecurity.

I overcame that battle and maintained my weight in a healthy manner. By the age of 18, (1992) I was at my ideal weight of 135lbs and then I met a man who left me, pregnant and alone, for someone else. Mind you this girl was bigger in size than me (already had a kid from a previous relationship or marriage) and not as attractive as I so again, I struggled with not feeling attractive or good enough. Sadly, not only was I dealing with that, I miscarried and it all drove me into a deeper depression and back into the eating disorder realm. My weight plummeted to 110 lbs. I am 5'6" so I was very underweight but I didn't care, I wanted to die. Finally after nearly ending up in the hospital, with the support of my friends and family I fought my way back into a healthy lifestyle. I went and stayed with my sister for a month. I ate appropriately, exercised daily (ran 3 miles a day & walked 9 miles a day)and found a greater sense of self. I was on top of the world and my game! Although I was still underweight at 125 lbs, I was in terrific shape, I had a rock hard body and was stronger than I had ever been.

A couple months after leaving my sister's. I met a man and after about a year (1993) and still maintaining a healthy lifestyle, I moved to FL with him. I was on top of the world, had a great job and a condo 10 mins. from the beach. Life seemed great until a few months after we moved down there. He changed, started running around with some not so great people, doing drugs and cheating on me with a girl who was larger in size and not as attractive (what is up with that?). I did a complete reversal of my past pattern and began emotional over-eating...My weight went to 210 lbs. in a two year period. I threw myself into work and I began to make plans to go back home to Indiana and start over. I basically let him do his thing, I wasn't about to let him ruin my life...I went back into the healthy lifestyle. I was exercising, eating right, losing weight and feeling good about myself. Then out of the blue in (late 1994), the man who left me and was the father of the baby I lost contacted me while I was in FL (I could kick my Dad's butt for giving him my number), things did not last between him and the woman he left me for which I was happy to hear..being vulnerable and wanting to be wanted. He and I would talk for hours and it seemed he had gotten his act together. I told him I was making plans to return to Indiana and when I finally arrived (1995) we met up and I was willing to give it another try. However, before even realizing it I had quickly fallen back into my eating disorder. Except this time I wasn't just starving myself I was making myself vomit when I did eat. I wasn't as blind as I was before with him and I believe that he was looking for nothing more than sex (unprotected as always) and despite his advances, I wouldn't give in to him so he trotted his lying tail to Mississippi (where he's from) without so much as a word to me, I found out from his Aunt. Once he left I was back into the healthy lifestyle again.

Life as I knew it continued for awhile. I was working 3 jobs and living a regimen of daily work outs and healthy eating, drunken nights and meaningless trysts. I met my future husband at the age of 22 but was too self absorbed and too busy using my looks to get who and what I wanted and avoiding anything remotely similar to a serious, meaningful relationship to even acknowledge him! At 23, (1996) I came to my senses and married that wondeful man!! :)

Advance to the year 2006. I have had an amazing life at this point. The demons of my past no longer haunt me and I have mended most of the fences damaged by my selfishness. I am strong, confident and secure with who I am and have embraced the woman I have always been destined to be! For once in my life, I was not worried about my weight! I was in a happy, loving, healthy and fullfilling marriage and with steady progression I reached 246 lbs, other than being a little fatigued my health was good. The beautiful baby girl we were blessed with one day before our one year wedding anniversary is now a blossoming young lady and the light of my life. She and I are sitting on the floor laughing and having a great time when all of the sudden my chest is racked with a pain only comparable to child birth. Fortunately it was only a false alarm and I was perfectly fine BUT it was a real wake up call to me.

It has been 3 yrs since that day and I am now slowly getting to the size I need to be for a healthier me. It has taken hard work, alot of tears and determination, all of which are really paying off! I had to finally realize that I didn't gain it all over night and I wasn't going to lose it all in one night. I lose, I gain and sometimes hold steady as far as my weight. Trust me, I have my moments of weakness but I don't beat myself up over them. I accept that weakness and move on to a new day!! With my family history of heart disease and diabetes, I needed to take control of my life and get on a road to a better, healthier me so I can be around to see my daughter grow into a woman and live her life and to also see my future grandbabies..that means everything to me!

This picture is of me now..January 2009..in the clothing I refer to as my "fat clothes". Yes, I've kept some of my "fat clothes" why? you may ask..as a reminder to me of what I've overcome as well as to reassure myself that my struggles have not gone unrewarded and as a motivational tool to keep me going on my quest for a healthier me. Out of curiosity and perhaps for affirmation, I actually put these clothes on today. I had to tuck my "fat shirt" in to keep my pants from fallin' down..LOL..At first I was laughing because of the ridculousness of how I looked but then.....You can't see it but I had tears in my eyes...Your fight is worth it my friends. Stay motivated and strong and you too can overcome! :)