When I first thought about doing this lens many months ago, I soon realized what a struggle this was going to be for me in admitting to my own personal demons as far as my weight and almost didn't create this lens but after much thought I realized that my experiences may help someone else and I knew I just had to do it! *THIS IS ME - 2 years ago! ------------------------->

My profile picture was taken in April 2008 and the picture featured at the beginning of this section is how I look as of July 2008! ------------->

Now, here is my story.....

Growing up I was never a fat or obese child. I was very active and able to eat whatever I wanted and not worry about gaining an ounce it seemed. During my teen years I had a lot of emotional issues, never feeling like I was good enough or pretty enough although I had all my friends and family telling me otherwise. I ended up with an eating disorder because of my self-doubt and insecurity.

I overcame that battle and maintained my weight in a healthy manner. By the age of 18, I was at my ideal weight of 135lbs and then I met a man who left me, pregnant and alone, for someone else. Mind you this girl was bigger in size than me (already had a kid from a previous relationship or marriage) and not as attractive as I so again, I struggled with not feeling attractive or good enough. Sadly, not only was I dealing with that, I miscarried and it all drove me into a deeper depression and back into the eating disorder realm. My weight plummeted to 110 lbs. I am 5'6" so I was very underweight but I didn't care, I wanted to die. Finally after nearly ending up in the hospital, with the support of my friends and family I fought my way back into a healthy lifestyle. I went and stayed with my sister for a month. I ate appropriately, exercised daily (ran 3 miles a day & walked 9 miles a day)and found a greater sense of self. I was on top of the world and my game! Although I was still underweight at 125 lbs, I was in terrific shape, I had a rock hard body and was stronger than I had ever been.

A couple months after leaving my sister's. I met a man and after about a year and still maintaining a healthy lifestyle, I moved to FL with him. I was on top of the world, had a great job and a condo 10 mins. from the beach. Life seemed great until a few months after we moved down there. He changed, started running around with some not so great people, doing drugs and cheating on me with a girl who was larger in size and not as attractive (what is up with that?). I did a complete reversal of my past pattern and began emotional over-eating...My weight went to 210 lbs. in a two year period. I threw myself into work and I began to make plans to go back home to Indiana and start over. I basically let him do his thing, I wasn't about to let him ruin my life...I went back into the healthy lifestyle. I was exercising, eating right, losing weight and feeling good about myself. Then out of the blue, the man who left me and was the father of the baby I lost contacted me while I was in FL (I could kick my Dad's butt for giving him my number), things did not last between him and the woman he left me for which I was happy to hear..being vulnerable and wanting to be wanted. He and I would talk for hours and it seemed he had gotten his act together. I told him I was making plans to return to Indiana and when I finally arrived we met up and I was willing to give it another try. However, before even realizing it I had quickly fallen back into my eating disorder. Except this time I wasn't just starving myself I was making myself vomit when I did eat. I wasn't as blind as I was before with him and I believe that he was looking for nothing more than sex (unprotected as always) and despite his advances, I wouldn't give in to him so he trotted his lying tail to Mississippi (where he's from) without so much as a word to me, I found out from his Aunt. Once he left I was back into the healthy lifestyle again.

Life as I knew it continued for about a year. I was working 3 jobs and living a regimen of daily work outs and healthy eating, drunken nights and meaningless trysts. I met my future husband at the age of 22 but was too self absorbed and too busy using my looks to get who and what I wanted and avoiding anything remotely similar to a serious, meaningful relationship to even acknowledge him! At 23, I came to my senses and married that wondeful man!! :)

Advance 10 yrs. I have had an amazing life at this point. The demons of my past no longer haunt me and I have mended most of the fences damaged by my selfishness. I am strong, confident and secure with who I am and have embraced the woman I have always been destined to be! For once in my life, I was not worried about my weight! I was in a happy, loving, healthy and fullfilling marriage and with steady progression I reached 246 lbs, other than being a little fatigued my health was good. The beautiful baby girl we were blessed with one day before our one year wedding anniversary is now a blossoming young lady and the light of my life. She and I are sitting on the floor laughing and having a great time when all of the sudden my chest is racked with a pain only comparable to child birth. Fortunately it was only a false alarm and I was perfectly fine BUT it was a real wake up call to me.

It has been 2 yrs since that day and I am now slowly getting to the size I need to be for a healthier me. It has taken hard work, alot of tears and determination, all of which are really paying off! I had to finally realize that I didn't gain it all over night and I wasn't going to lose it all in one night. I lose, I gain and sometimes hold steady as far as my weight. Trust me, I have my moments of weakness but I don't beat myself up over them. I accept that weakness and move on to a new day!! With my family history of heart disease and diabetes, I needed to take control of my life and get on a road to a better, healthier me so I can be around to see my daughter grow into a woman and live her life and to also see my future grandbabies..that means everything to me!