Life Without Personal Checks

So it happened. We ran out of checks and I refused to get more.

Everything was going fine for about one week. I decided to treat Cindy to a night on the town. Mostly because I thought I could show her how we could have a complete date without even thinking about personal checks.

We got Kelly from down the street to come watch our kids Scotty and Sarah. Then we peeled out of the driveway at 6 p.m.

It had been awhile since we had a night out so we were a little giddy. Plus, I was looking forward to rubbing the no personal checks thing in my wife's face.

I had 78-bucks in my wallet along with my debit card and all three credit cards. There was no way this date night was going to turn into a disaster.

We ate dinner at Scarlet's, our favorite restaurant. I had the New York Strip and she had the shrimp primavera, we split a bottle of the cheapest wine on the list. The grand total for dinner - $62 plus a $6 tip. I know that's a little low but I wanted to save some cash for coffee.

That's where we went next - Cool Beans Coffee Shop. I had a cappucino she had a vanilla latte and a cookie. There goes my last 10-bucks.

We still wanted to catch a late movie - but I could always turn to the credit cards.

She wanted to see Dear John, and I wanted to see Ironman 2. We settled on Hot Tub Time Machine. I highly recommend it. Cindy not so much. If they really did make hot tub time machines I'd definitely buy one. But first I'd want to test it out. You have to make sure it's got nice strong water jets. I can't stand those hot tubs with weak jets. It feels like someone is peeing on you underwater. That's another gross thing about hot tubs. In a cold pool you always know when someone took a leak because it's warm in certain spots. You don't have that ability in a hot tub.

But I digress...

We had to fill up the gas tank on the way home and I used the credit card at the pump. "Can't do this with a personal check," I told Cindy. "Come to think of it, we did everything tonight and I didn't miss the checkbook one bit!"

"Congratulations honey," she said rolling her eyes. That's okay. I'll take a win even if she is a poor loser.

We rolled into the driveway at about 11:15 and there was Kelly the babysitter - sitting on the porch.

"What happened?" my wife asked.

"They locked me out," Kelly blurted and then burst into tears.

We found the kids passed out in front of the TV lying in a pile of Cheetos. It looks like they were watching a Man vs. Wild marathon. Kelly shook her head. "Just give me my $16 and take me home!"

Uh oh.

I explained to Kelly that I used up all my cash during our evening out on the town.

She asked, "Can't you write me a check?"

"No. But I have a credit card. Do you take American Express? Where do you want me to swipe it?"

Apparently...Kelly wasn't in the mood to joke around. I got the cash and paid her like a week later, but she was still pretty sore.

Not only did Kelly refuse to babysit our kids ever again. She also got us blacklisted by the rest of the babysitters in the neighborhood.

I'm not sure if it was because of the credit card comment or because Scotty came after her with the nail gun.

If you're thinking that this is going to be a nice romantic story because the title is the same as your favorite Julia Roberts movie... sorry, you're out of luck.

About a month after I stopped using personal checks my best buddy Brad got married. He made me his best man even over his older brother Steve. But Steve's got issues. By issues I mean he gets really drunk and Brad's future wife Lucy didn't want him to mess up the wedding or make any embarrassing speeches. Perfectly understandable.

Now you're probably wondering if Lucy was one of those "bridezillas." The answer is yes she was. She even showed up at the gentleman's club where I threw Brad a bachelor party and dragged him out by the collar. What a party-pooper!

"You PROMISED!" She screamed at me through her tears.

What I'd promised was NO STRIP CLUBS. We were at a gentleman's club. There's a difference. I mean it has the word gentleman in the title so by nature you could assume that it's a classier crowd. Right? It could have been a lot worse. By the way...strip clubs are another place where personal checks don't work so well. Imagine how ticked off the dancers would get if you kept writing checks for a dollar and tossing them on stage.

But I digress...

Since it was my best friend, Cindy put me in charge of getting a card and putting a gift inside. I know she was trying to get me to think about how we needed a personal check for that so I made sure to get some cash from the ATM earlier that day. There was just one problem...

Brad told me there was going to be an open bar at the wedding. What he didn't say was that the free drinks didn't start until after dinner. Booo! I'd put a $100 bill in their wedding card but that was all the cash I had - because everything was supposed to be free! I was ready for a cocktail and so was Brad's brother Steve. So I carefully opened the envelope, took my $100 bill back and replaced it with an IOU. I even drew a heart on it!

I don't know if Lucy was made at me for the IOU or because that $100 got me and Steve pretty toasted. I guess I didn't realize it, but I can behave myself. My toast was going just fine until Steve grabbed the microphone away from me and started singing "I Did it All for the Nookie" by Limp Bizkit. And it wasn't the version edited for the radio.

Needless to say - Brad's not allowed to be part of my fantasy football league this year. :(

Image: Clare Bloomfield / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I'm betting you can guess what happened next. But it wasn't my fault. I swear to God. Just another communication breakdown between me and Cindy. It had NOTHING to do with not using personal checks.

Our kids Scotty and Sarah have birthdays that are only a week apart. It's nice because I really only have to remember the middle of April and I'm safe. I'm not really sure whose birthday comes first.

We usually go all out on the kids and spend a little too much. Scotty really wanted a PlayStation 3 and Sarah really wanted a cell phone. She's turning six - so it's about time. We also planned to throw a really big party this year with all their friends and relatives from both sides of the family. I'm talking about a magician, a pony ride, one of those big bouncy inflatable things, a dunk tank to put my mother-in-law inside of, and enough food to feed an army. Cindy had her own ideas. She wanted a DJ to come with karaoke, a guy from the zoo to bring animals like snakes (I hate snakes) and a gigantic ice cream social. Sarah just wanted a pink pinata, except she had one last year and I kept running over candy with the lawnmower.

But I digress...

I'd been real busy at work and hadn't had much time to get things done. One afternoon I left the office early to get some stuff taken care of - the stuff I wanted that is. I paid for the magician, the pony ride and the inflatable games on my credit card. Then I went to Toys-R-Us to get some presents and used the debit card.

I stopped at the grocery store getting stuff for the barbecue and used the debit card again. Then I realized that my grill was pretty small so I should probably get another one at the hardware store. This time when I handed the cashier the check card she said it was DENIED.

"Probably just because I used it a lot today," I explained to her. "I know we have money in the bank. Here, try my credit card." But that was denied too! Now I started getting a little worried so I called Cindy on my iPhone to see what was up.

Turns out, she decided to take the day off and did some shopping of her own. Somehow we managed to max out the credit card and overdraft the checking account. Cindy tried to tell me if we were using personal checks and a check register we would have had a better idea of what was in the bank. Whatever!

In the end Scotty and Sarah probably had the best birthday bash any kid has ever seen. I just hope they don't mind if we skip Christmas presents this year.

We don't go to church that often. Usually we show on religious holidays and a few other times a year when it's not football season. But when we do go to church - I always drop something in the offering plate just to keep the Big Guy upstairs happy.

Now one particular Sunday we managed to get Scotty and Sarah dressed up and in the car by 9:45 and went to Grace Chapel for the second mass, or service or meeting or whatever I should call it.

Maybe it's because of the economy or maybe it was just my luck, but Pastor Larry decided to preach at everyone about giving to the Lord. He went on and on about how if we gave it would mean God would shower blessings upon us, but if we did not God's hedge of protection could be removed from our lives. What is a hedge of protection. The only hedges I know of are like bushes or something. I don't think a bush is going to provide me with much protection from anything. But I guess maybe it could if it's one of God's bushes, like that burning bush thing that Charlton Heston saw in "The Ten Commandments." Now that sort of bush could do some damage!

But I digress...

We would have dropped our usual donation in the offering that Sunday, but I didn't have any personal checks, just the two bucks in my wallet.

"I hope God remembers it's the thought that counts," I told Cindy as I quickly dropped the bills in the offering before anyone could see how my measly donation.

What they need in church are little credit card scanners attached to the pews so you can just charge an offering!

On the way home the kids were singing some annoying song they learned in Sunday School about Father Abraham or something. I was trying to get them to quiet down and turned around just as the Cadillac Escalade in front of me stopped for an old lady crossing the street - and BANG.

The little old lady was fine, but the Escalade and my Honda Civic were a little dinged up. About $2500 worth plus my insurance premium went up. Booo!

Here's the kicker...

You'll never guess who was driving that stupid SUV that I rear-ended. Pastor Larry! I guess he got my money after all.

You'd think a man of God who's nice enough to stop for a little old lady would be a little more forgiving!

I chose that picture of my wife Cindy because when she dies that is the face I will remember.

She calls me immature, but when she doesn't get her way she gets all pouty and makes a big stink.

Well, I guess she'd had enough of my life without personal checks experiment. She said she found this place online called Check Advantage where we could order personal checks for 75% less than what our bank used to charge us.

She said that personal checks help us keep better track of our money because we think about the amount we're spending and write it down in a check register to keep our personal finances organized.

She said even though we pay some bills online, there are places that actually charge us for that service so we might as well send a check.

She said Check Advantage has the perfect style of personal checks for her and she really wanted to order Flower Personal Checks because she's a gardener who loves planting beautiful flowers.

I think that last part is the real reason we went back to using personal checks.

So Cindy wins again. She always wins. But I'd rather have a happy wife than win a stupid argument. At least this stupid argument. I suppose having personal checks around doesn't hurt.

I wonder if they make waterproof personal checks. Now there's a good idea. What if you fall in the pool, or spill coffee on your checkbook. All your personal checks are going to be ruined. I should call Check Advantage and see if they'll pay for this idea. I really think waterproof personal checks could be huge. I mean credit cards and debit cards are already waterproof so maybe this could be the next step in the personal check evolution!

But I digress....