Impress your friends and girlfriend with this amazing new talent!
I'm making this page about fire farting because I want to bring the same joy to other people that fire farting has brought me. You'll be the life of the party, the "funny guy", you'll pick up girls with your unusual talent and impress your parents at your barmitzpha....NAH. Who am i kidding? Farting will never get you laid, but it will sure make a group of guys chuckle and here's a quick lesson on how.
Perfecting your farts-nuance, subtlety, timing and noxiousness
Baby steps towards God's flamethrower...
Farts have been around since the dawn of man. Everyone does it, from baby's to humans, to dogs to elephants. It's only natural. It's a language that we all speak like music, soccer and the middle finger.But just because we all do it doesn't mean that we're all good at it. Just like Chef Boy Ar Dee says, "Good food takes time." so does the finesse and skill to be a professional flamefarter.
Which is why I'm here to take you by the hand and guide you to the forefront of this cutting edge sport.
Materials you'll need
A ZIPPO-The old standby. These come with a lifetime guarantee, are windproof, waterproof and were cool enough to light Hannibal's cigars from the A-TEAM. If they're good enough for Hannibal, they're good enough for your ass.BREATHABLE COTTON BOXERS-Cotton is a must. All other materials stifle the air flow and ignite inside the boxers ruining distance and trajectory.
$.89 BEAN BURRITO FROM TACO BELL-There is nothing that creates a more potent pocket of fire breathing methane than grade "D" meat from one of these bad boys. There is no second.
Step 1:Mental preparation,
A) The first step is to clear your mind. Put soft music on like Gregorian chant, Enya or Michael Bolton to clear your mind of everything that might distract you. Assuming the position...
B)Disrobe down to everything but your BREATHABLE COTTON BOXERS. Assume the fetal position and roll onto your back. Point your bullseye towards the sky, not towards the sun but more as an arrow would fly. Then flex the muscles testing the strength and muscle control.(If you have trouble with this, visualize in your head blinking with just one eye....and then do it with your butthole. Perfecting the movement
C)Practice two or three time the movement of the lighter to the sphincter, much as a golfer takes a few swings before he approaches the tee. Timing
D)Timing is key here. If you don't time it right and hold the flame too far away from the brown hole, you miss ignition. Too close and you singe the hairs and the ozone in the air will not be a pleasant smell. New Text / Write module
D)After you've practiced the movement, take it one step further and spark the Zippo. Generally Zippos light on the first strike, but always make sure you've got a new flint and are full of lighter fluid. Making the most lethal of all farts
E)After you've mastered the bunghole/lighter/pucker and release combo move, set a candle up across the room. The goal is to light it. One might ask, "How far away do you set the candle?" It all depends on how much Taco Bell you've eaten.My best results were with a cornucopia of fast food consisting of bean burrito, beer, and cold pizza. With this lethal combination of toxic fumes I was able to set the candle aglow from my Lazy-Boy all the way to the Nintendo across the room.
Ignition
F)Now comes what we've all been waiting for. Ignition. The moment. The precise moment of ignition is what we're all working for. When the diet, the pucker practice and the fueled up Zippo are all working as one, you'll experience what alcoholics call a "moment of clarity"...and that candle will light up like a Xmas tree. Illustrated on a YouTube video
Slap farts, fart wake ups, lighting farts, girl farts...Disgusting Fart Attack Compilation
A montage of various farts and fart techniques.
curated content from YouTube
The essentials to improve performance in Firefarting
These are the materials you need to light the candle across the room.
The Fart Movie
Amazon Price: $24.99 (as of 12/29/2009) 
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Zippo Lucky Ace High Polish Chrome Pocket Lighter
Amazon Price: $14.22 (as of 12/29/2009)
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Engraved Polished Zippo Lighter - Includes Free Personalization
Amazon Price: $19.95 (as of 12/29/2009)
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Zippo Zipper Lighter
Amazon Price: $15.90 (as of 12/29/2009)
List Price: $26.95
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Zippo - Moss Green Matte, Shamrock
Amazon Price: $14.97 (as of 12/29/2009)
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P.S. Part of the trials and tribulations of practicing firefarting-SHARTING
This guy looked just like George Clooney...then he sharted.
Don't make the rookie mistake, get overzealous and let out a "shart". For those of you new to the practice, shart is a portmanteau that combines the words shit and fart. For the mathematically inclined: SHIT + FART = SHART Reader Feedback
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- spirituality spirituality Nov 22, 2009 @ 11:43 am
- Great lens, but you knew that :) Just wanted to remind you that this is featured on the Humor and Hilarity Headquarters: http://www.squidoo.com/groups/humor_hilarity
It's now transformed into a lensography and I would love it if you could feature it here, or lensroll it or something.
Great Stuff on eBay for Firefarting
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- Can you guess how many funny fart sounds are in the amazing fart dot?
- Can you guess how many funny fart sounds are in the amazing fart dot? Click and find out! It's the site that lives up to it's name! It farts, it's a dot!
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- Lighting Farts on Fire - Fart Videos
- Fart Explosion is about lighting your farts on fire. Everyone gets gas, and sometimes the farts are flamable.
by definistrate1ster
I'm a professional farter and very serious about this sport. I'm the Michael Phelps of farting. I'm currently training for London 2012. (more)
