Living With Mental Illness

Mental Health Disorders, Mood Swings, Depression

I was officially diagnosed with major depression when I was nineteen. I was certainly depressed long before that -- since I was fifteen at least -- but nineteen was when it all became too much and I finally sought treatment.

Before that incident was over, I was also diagnosed with panic disorder, and nearly hospitalized.

Mental illness runs in my family. Both my parents have had their own problems with depression and anxiety. Two of my grandparents were alcoholics, who in retrospect were probably self-medicating for their own mental health issues. As a result of all of this mental illness and substance abuse, there was a lot of family dysfunction going back for generations. My own issues surfaced after I'd been in college for a year, and unconsciously felt "safe" enough to allow them to surface.

Since then, I've been on and off several different medications for depression and anxiety. I've undergone years of therapy. My mental health has improved a great deal, but I will need to be on medications for the rest of my life.

Dark Genius, 1891/92
Aldin, Cecil
Dark Genius

Depression is an insidious, evil thing. In some cultures, it's framed as "soul possession" or "soul loss", and having been through it, I can understand why.

I suffer from two types of coexisting depression. The first kind is called dysthymia (from an ancient Greek word for "melancholy"), and people who have it feel generally sad, hopeless, and disinterested in their daily lives. When I've been dysthymic, I've been able to function, but I haven't felt engaged with the world. It's as if, deep in my soul, a pilot light has been snuffed out -- as if my soul is lost.

People with dysthymia are at increased risk for major depressive disorder. Major depression is a very serious illness that can be truly disabling, interfering with a person's ability to work, relate to others, or take care of herself. When I've experienced major depression, it has seemed as if my "inner voice" is not my own -- it tells me things I know aren't true; for instance, that my marriage is ending, or that I'm a complete failure as a person. It feels a bit as if my soul is "possessed", as if I am not the one in control of it.

Profiles of Anxiety

Anxiety is like depression's less-evil twin. It's still pretty evil, but it won't make you kill yourself like depression will. On the other hand, where depression is, anxiety is likely to be also, waiting to have its own frolic with your brain cells.

In its mild form, anxiety disorder causes untold stress as its sufferers try to go about their daily lives. Things that most people can take for granted -- making a phone call, checking email -- can make it difficult or impossible for someone with anxiety disorder to carry out these tasks.

For instance, I have a phobia about making phone calls. I couldn't tell you what I'm afraid will happen when I use the phone. I'm just afraid. On a good day, it takes immense mental energy for me to suck up and actually make a call. On a bad day, I can't do it at all. My body simply refuses, flat out.

Panic Attack Or Anxiety PTSD

Anxiety can also exist with a more severe cousin -- panic disorder. Someone with panic disorder is not merely anxious as they go through their lives; they are likely to suffer panic attacks as well. A panic attack occurs when your body overreacts to a perceived threat, triggering an intense flight-or-fight response. Many people experiencing their first panic attack call for emergency services, convinced they are having a heart attack.

The last time I had a panic attack was when I was 24. I was in Reno with my in-laws, and the noise and lights from the casinos just sent me over the edge. My heart was racing, my head was pounding, and I couldn't breathe. To make matters worse, smoking was allowed in the casinos, triggering my asthma, making breathing even harder.

I tried to talk myself down, but part of me was still convinced that I was having a heart attack or stroke. Of course, I was only 24; hardly the demographic most at risk for such illness. But weren't there always exceptions? I could be one of those! "We don't understand it," the doctors would say. "She was so young and otherwise in perfect health. It was just random chance."

Needless to say, my behavior was weird enough that my in-laws became convinced that I disliked them. Unfortunately, in the midst of a panic attack, it can be hard to know what's happening. It was only after the trip was over, when we were driving west through the Sierras, that I realized that I'd been having panic attacks.

Living with a mental illness involves a lot of difficulty and plenty of outright suffering. Things that normal people take for granted, like making a simple phone call, require monumental effort for someone with anxiety disorder. If you have other psychiatric conditions, like ADHD, you'll probably forget you have to make that phone call in the first place. For someone with depression, having a bad day is more than a bunch of little things going wrong -- it means that you're barely holding onto the edge of a deep, dark mental pit.

Living like this is hard enough. Unfortunately, that's not all I have to live with. I also have to live with the ignorance and judgment of other people.

I can't count the number of times I've heard coworkers or acquaintances shoot their mouths off about mental illness. One day, it will be a complaint that "ADHD is over-diagnosed" and that "those kids just need discipline". The next day, it will be that "society is over-medicated" and "those people" just need to "stop making excuses". When I was in college, someone I knew actually said to me flat out that she thought that "everyone on Prozac should be shot" because she was "sick of their whining".

Thanks, folks. As a clinically depressed person, I fight self-doubt every day. And your off-hand condemnations of what I have to do to survive? Those are really helping.

Never Give Up - Wall Decal

In a lot of ways, my life has improved since my psychiatric problems were at their all-out worst. A few years ago I did a major blitz on my lifestyle, improving my diet, exercise, and sleep patterns. I even tried going without medications for a few months.

That last part didn't work out, so I found a really good doctor, and he put me on the right meds for my ADHD. That made a world of difference. Sticking to an exercise program became easy, and I lost about 60 lbs. I actually got organized, and was able to keep my house clean enough that my severe allergy symptoms improved.

But the struggle is far from over. I found that I was extremely sensitive to sunlight and weather. 2010 was cold, wet, and gloomy in Northern California, and in early December of last year, I had a minor psychotic episode (that's a topic for another article). Once again, my meds had to be changed up until we found a combination that worked. This process took about six weeks. I'm feeling better than I was, but recovering from my crisis is taking a long time. I don't know when I'll be at 100% again.

I guess it says a lot about me and where I've been that the psychotic episode was far from the worst I've ever felt. Last year was tough, yes. The 'sode was scary, certainly. But I didn't want to hurt myself, and I didn't question whether my life was worth it -- and in the past, I've had to cope with both of those issues. I may not be at 100% yet, but I know I will be, someday.