Living with Depression

One thing we have to get straight, starting out, is that I have very mild depression. No big highs and lows. No wild aggression. No depression related eating disorders. Nothing that disrupted anyone's life or made any doctor sit up. On the surface anyway; the world inside no one knew.

Living in a world where the word depression related to economy and not health my parents were none the wiser. They had a son with some slightly disturbing characteristics. Nothing they couldn't explain away. So I started out in a world with lots of tears (I were little) and hiding from people (I were shy) so they were happy to see me relating to people around me with no tears all of a sudden. When I went back to being "little" and "shy" it were written off as the way I am.

Growing a little older and starting school made no difference. They floated in-between running around to get sports gear so I can start off on something I drop out off in a few months and reading report cards with wonderful marks while being called in by teachers because I cannot keep up with the class.

It was all very confusing. I started feeling guilty because I never finished anything. I started feeling guilty because they expected a normal healthy happy child. I knew something were wrong ...

Having friends when living with depression gets to be very tricky, impossibly so - especially when you are young. Kids do not know how to talk to someone that is staring off into space. They are not interested to. By the time you get back from outer space, they moved on - or they are hanging around to make fun of you. I never related to people well; or to my parents.

I so much wished I could explain what were happening in me, but there were no words. From the outside no one could see. If someone cut off my head by accident people would look and say look at that poor fellow having to walk around with his head under his arm. Even my tailor would be able to make the needed adjustments. My problems were worse than having no head. If something is broken, you can fix it if you know what broke. I knew it was broken. I was used to being me, so I never really took note. Then one day I had a sudden thought: I wish I can be happy just once. That made me sit up. Something is wrong - I'm not simply different. Normal people don't wish to be happy. They are - its part of life. Happiness visits us all regularly%u2026not me.
Sitting up with a sudden revelation did not help much. I still did not know how to fix this.

About then a pastor noticed something were not quite right and on his request I got professional help. I thought at last I will get to be a real boy. Then one day I told the shrink I wished I were HAPPY. His answer to that: you can't be happy all of the time.
I realised this guy were speaking to me because the medical aid were paying. I would be satisfied with being happy once.

Shortly after that someone opened a malpractice suit against this guy and me and some other of his patients were treated to a week in the observation ward. At the time were finishing school and believed that once I am done with school some magic would happen, I would be a grownup and all would be well. I were really getting sick of all of these meaningless doctors visits.

I made sure I acted 'normal'. Got no sleep for four days in a row in hospital but I made sure it did not show. Staring into space when no one is looking does not mean you are stupid. The panel doing the observation passed own a verdict of mal adjusted and sent me home. So much for Pinocio's dream. I don't know what happened to the doctor though.

So I finished school and became a grownup I started out with no friends, no social support group, no family I could relate to and lots of carefully constructed and workable plans I knew would never happen

So there I was a brand new grownup, unable to connect to the people around me. With no social life, and no social support group. I failed at everything but the most mundane and simple tasks.

I got lucky and married the most wonderful woman. Maybe she saw the things in me I could not: I kept on disappointing her, in every possible way. She never complained.

I kept wondering about my life. How can someone with an average intelligent and all of the information and recourses (I wasted) simply never come right. Other people took the projects I failed at for no particular reason and made a success, none of them smarter than me.

I slowly started getting more and more aggressive, at the same time building up more anxiety. I came to the point where something had to get fixed, or break. I realised I had to do something. At this point I already tried Positive thinking, religion, keeping fit, planning properly, and setting goals and lots of other self help things. Nothing helped.

At the end of my rope I finally went to a doctor. "Lets try something he said" and prescribed a drug that reset my serotonin levels. Slowly things changed. I dealt with life more easily, but I still had the same old habits.

Since depression has a vicious circle of anxiety fuelling depression and depression leading to anxiety anything breaking the pattern helps. Before I had chemical assistance, no fitness program or life changing program worked. Enthusiasm always brought a good start. After a while the cycle changed, and the program fell by the wayside.

Exercise helps.
Yes exercise does help. Keeping fit makes a difference. Exercise helps the body's Serotonin metabolism - the natural depression fighter in your body. Problem is that you have to choose your exercise carefully. Keeping fit does not mean you have to take part in competitive sports or keep a serious exercise program going. Going for walks or nature hikes also helps to keep you fit. Some serious dancing with upbeat music also helps to keep you in shape.

Point is, think of something and get your body moving. It changes the way you think.

Positive friends

When you ere living with depression having friends are very hard, you tend to accept anyone looking in your direction as a friend. Living with depression makes it hard to select friends because people are not exactly running after you begging to be your friend. Take care and be patient though.

A very rich guy from Hawaii wrote a few books on how he got to be so rich. In one of his books he said that the company you keep is the person you become. You hang out with money-makers you become a money-maker. Sad truth in life - we learn from our surroundings constantly. We pick up things from the people around us unintentionally. If you hang out with someone who is constantly rude, being rude yourself becomes easy. Eventually you don't mind anyone being rude. Actually, you don't even notice it, it becomes "normal".

In the same way, if you hang out with positive, happy people; it becomes "normal". You start patterning after them. Even more so if you are aware of what is happening and of your ability to learn their attitude and make it your own.