Living with Phobias

Any kind of bug is the bane of my existence. Especially if they get into the house. This has been my most difficult phobia to control.

Spring and summer are a challenge due to the arrival of flies, gnats, and mosquitoes that sneak into the house. And creeping about waiting to pounce on me outside is the most dreaded of all bugs -- the TICK.

I used to visibly shudder and freak out when any flying or crawling critter came my way. Just the thought of a tick, for example, would send me to a mirror because I was convinced ticks were crawling in my hair and ears.

Overcoming this one has been tough. I simply had to buckle down and bear it by reasoning with myself -- a little bug can't hurt me, right? -- by praying for the first freeze, and by keeping a fly swatter near at hand.

My obsession with germs varies according to the season. The phobia is always worse during summer, when flying insects get into the house. Last summer, for example, was a bad year for flies flying and crawling over kitchen counter tops spreading their germs. This year the gnats invaded my safe indoor spaces.

My bug and germ phobias are interconnected because, as we all know, bugs spread germs from places we don't even want to think about!!

My germ phobia is not as advanced as Monk's, for example. He's the lead character -- in a show by the same name -- who can't abide touching surfaces and must carry disinfectant wipes to control germs on his hands. My germ phobia is controllable as long as kitchen and bathroom surfaces are clean and some awful bug does not crawl around on said surfaces.

In the 1980s I could barely stomach eating anywhere but in my own home, or touching surfaces outside my home. Over the years I learned to control my reactions. Again, it was through deliberate, focused efforts, by reasoning with myself. The conversations went something like this:

"Listen, Laurel. You're healthy and never once in your life had a germ-related illness. Be brave. Don't let a few germs wreck your fun."

Some days are worse than others. I keep my environment clean and continue to talk to myself like a Dutch Uncle, as Grandpa used to say. This tough talking routine works for me.

My nursing career went down the tubes when a fear of blood developed. I worked in a rural hospital at the time, where Registered Nurses had to spend time in the Emergency Room and Labor and Delivery as well as the Medical-Surgical-ICU areas.

The first symptoms began in the Delivery Room. One night, after a particularly rough delivery, I simply COULD NOT clean up the blood and clots. It wasn't that I didn't want to, but that I couldn't bring myself to do it. I couldn't breathe, my vision blurred, and I had to fight to keep from running from the hospital in a blind panic. Someone else had to do my job that night.

I made excuses, told myself I was tired and would be better after a couple days off. I wasn't. Soon, every sight or smell of blood caused the same reaction. One night, a bloody scenario overwhelmed me. I went home in a blind panic. That's when I knew that my career as a floor nurse was over.

For years after that, until my retirement, I worked on the fringes of health care by being a "paper work" nurse in the hospital, long term care, and home health. My fear of blood is no longer overwhelming, unless some injury catches me by surprise.

I control this phobia by avoiding situations where it might cause a problem.

Agoraphobia can also be a fear of open places. In my case, the phobia combines a fear of open places with a fear of crowds.

In 1980, before these phobias set in, I was athletic and physically fit. In the decades since, without regular exercise, I've packed on weight. Just thinking of walking or jogging outside leaves me sick and short of breath. Likewise, going to Walmart or any other large store has an even stronger effect. Icy sweat pours off my head and drips from my hair onto my clothes. By the time I reach the check out counter, I'm a real beauty!!

I've recently resolved to beat the open spaces phobia by walking around and around my yard. I set 500 steps as a firm goal and don't allow myself to go inside my house until those 500 steps are done, no matter how much I gag, huff or puff. This is how I've controlled all my phobias -- by beating them down to a manageable size instead of letting them control me.

The people in large stores who wonder why my hair is dripping will just have to learn to live with it, as I have. :))

Until 1980, walking or jogging two miles a day was my daily joy. I walked or jogged seven days a week, no matter what the weather. In those years, I waded snow drifts up to my waist if need be to get my daily exercise. I want to experience walking outside in the fresh air again.

No matter what it takes, I'll do it. I'll ignore my phobic symptoms until they become manageable. Yes I can. YES I CAN!!

This phobia is somehow connected to agoraphobia and ambulophobia, but I'm not quite sure why or how. I've had several psychiatrists, spent time in a psychiatric facility, and no one was able to explain this particular phobia. My first awareness of the fear of being thin was after the symptoms of dissociative disorder started.

Now when I say I fear being slim or thin, that isn't the same as being athletic and fit. My physique was sturdy and muscular when I walked, jogged, or swam regularly. My lowest weight in adulthood was 140# and I wore a size 7. Everything about me then was curvy and well rounded -- not thin. No one in my family has ever been thin.

I'd really like to know what caused this preoccupation with my body image. Until I figure it out, I will continue to eat nourishing meals, avoid high calorie snacks with no nutritional value, drink my milk, and stay chunky. :))