searching for a life worth living

Well today has been a good day so far I guess. At my friends house tilling up the area for the peppers for the salsa shack and she is clearing out the camping area. That is where I will be staying for the summer and trying to figure out who I am who I want to be and what I want to do for my future. It is going to give me the time and space to work on me and maybe get somewhere. I am sure this summer will not be easy and all this work I need to and want to do over the next few months is going to be emotionally hard but I hope it gives me hope and a new way to live. I am searching for myself and still have not found me. So many things interest me for a while and then the interest goes away and I become restless and bored with them. Not that I lose all interest on the things I just cannot do them as much as I did in the beginning. If I can learn to like me and like who I am whoever that may be then maybe I will be able to just enjoy the things without becoming bored and restless and just not doing them at all. I just do not want to try and be someone I am not just because of the people I am around and I also do not want to pretend to be interested and to like something when I do not just because I am trying to be accepted by people. The big question to me is WHO AM I? Maybe I will get some enlightenment with all this and might find some real answers by taking this time of reflection and working on my inner self.

I have been in the mental health system since I was very young like 4 years old after being sexually abused and then was taken by the state and placed in foster care which inturn did not work out and I ended up going from there to a residential from june 87? till sometime in 1991. While there it was a constant battle between me and the staff and anyone in authority. I had alot of anger and hurt inside but would not deal with it I refused to speak about anything and never resolved anything from the past while there during all the therapy and all. I final,ly went home after several med changes and them feeling there was not much more they could do for me. Well my mom had had custody of us for i believ e 2 years before i came home and my brother and sister had been home for quite a while. My other brother was still in the residential i was in and came home shortly after i did. But he did what he needed to to come home i was basically unhelpable. It was not long after that that i was physically mentally and emotionally abused regualrly by my20mother who i believe never wanted me and if given the choice she would only have fought for the 3 youngest children since I was the oldest of us 4. My dad was not really involved most of the time and we his children out of convenience pretty much. My mother began dating my fathers older brother when I was 12. He began to sexually abuse me not long after their dating begin that happened for i believe almost 4 years. although i got prgnant with my oldest son at 15 and thought it was his as he was having full intercourse with me while my mother worked nights and then days also as she was employed fulltime at 2 places. I still do not know who my sons father is as after the molestation began I became promiscus and had sex regualrly with men i did not know while at the park and around my fathers house when we visited him. Around the same time he was conceived i was placed on depakote and zoloft by my psychiatrist and told and that my cycle could be irregualr so i did not know i was pregant until i was 5 months. i had already turned 15
and had to make a decision on what to do of course i was not giving him up and not having an abortion. He was born in january 95. valentines day i threatened to kill myself at school where i was attending which was an alternative school because i was kicked out of public within 2 months of beginning there full time in 8th grade. I was hospitalized and was there for quite a while unable to let the secrets out20and unable to get things together. This is where i began self harming and ended up in a residential for adolescents which from there i was repeatedly in and out of hospitals and finally placed in an intensive resdential for teenagers. it was locked and very strict. the almost 4 years i was there i was out of control and constantly restricted and aggressive to myself and others. when i turned 19 they threatened to send me to the state hospital if i did nto go with out restriction for 90 days which i ended up making it abotu 70 but already had a placement in a group home for adults with with mental illness. after going there i left within 10 days and lived on the streets. unwanted by my family and not wanting to be at the shelter since it was co ed and a wet shelter. i went to day treatment daily and began dbt but chose to continue in and out of hospitals for quite some time after that for overdosing and self harming behavoirs and once for threatening to blow the mental health place up. I still was primiscuous i guess and believed i owed sex to men and if they wanted it i had to give it to them and still have great differculties with this and saying no.