A Grief Observed - Coping With The loss of My Son

It was September 9th 2008. I was sitting in front of my computer eating my lunch, when I heard a gentle knock at the door. It is amazing how things of great significance can start in such an insignificant way. I mean - a knock at the door is an everyday occurance, and usually signals the arrival of a friend or perhaps someone trying to sell you something. You normally answer the door never expecting the event to begin something that will change your life forever. But that is what happened. I opened the door to find a young policeman standing there.

"Are you Mr Winter?" he said, "Yes" I answered. "Is Your wife around?" "No," I said "she's at work". The policeman asked if he could come in. Once inside he suggested that I sat down. I was still oblivious of the news that he was about to deliver. "Do you have a son called David?" He asked. "Yes" I replied. "Well I am very sorry to inform you that a body has been found in an alley way behind some shops in Eastbourne. We believe it to be David."

I was stunned. How could it be? I had seen David just a few days before. David was our eldest, he was only 25 years old and so full of life. He had been talking about his band and about concentrating on his artwork again.

"Are you sure it's him?" I asked. The policeman said that they believed it was, from the identification they found on his body, but that I would need to make a formal identification. It looked as if David had fallen from a flat roof. There were steps leading up to the roof and youngsters would often go there to drink and hangout. He had died from massive head injuries.

He asked me where my wife worked. I told him she worked 20 miles away. I was unable to drive due to my disability. He asked me if there was anyone who could take me to get her. My mind was racing. I thought of my sister-in-law and phoned her. She said she would be there immediately. The policeman asked if I would be alright left on my own, I said I would. He said the coroner would be in contact with me later that day, and gave me the number of the policeman who was investigating the case. Then he left.

The journey to my wife's place of work seemed to take forever. My mind vacillated between hope and dispair. Hope, that they had wrongly identified the body; dispair that I had indeed lost my beloved son. It seemed strange, almost wrong, to hope it was someone elses child. How could I wish someone else would suffer what I was suffering instead of me? How could I hope someone else had died instead of my son? It seemed so selfish.

My sister-in-law tried to comfort me by saying we were still not certain it was him. But in my heart of hearts I knew it was. I didn't want to get my hopes up only to have them dashed later on.

We arrived at the scool where my wife works as a teaching assistant. My sister-in-law and I went to the reception and I asked to see my wife. I had to tell them why we needed to see her, and someone was sent to fetch her.

The deputy principal came and took my sister-in-law and I to his office. He knew me and David as we had both worked at the school. The school is for children with profound disabilities and my son and I had both worked there in the care department.

The wait in that office seemed like an age. I knew that I was about to have to do the worse and most difficult thing I had ever done - tell my wife that our beautiful son is dead. I dreaded it. How was I going to tell her such awful news? How was she going to react? This was the worse thing that had happened to us in our 28 years of marriage. I watched the door. I knew that she would enter the door totally oblivious to what had taken place.

She was shown into the office, and I asked her to sit down. She was smiling and looked puzzled. What was I and her sister doing there? I then had the unpleasant task of telling her what had happened. She stood up screaming, "No! Not my David!" and then collapsed as her legs gave way. She sobbed and screamed. I have never heard anything so disturbing in all my life. What a terrible thing it is to hear the cry of a mother who has lost her son. It is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

She then composed herself and tried to convince herself and everyone else that they had got it wrong, it couldn't be him. We left for home.

At home I had the job of telling the rest of my family. We have three other children, only one of them still lived with us. I was worried that they would hear from someone else. Telling my son, who lived two hundred miles away, was the hardest. I couldn't be there to comfort him. But I was worried that he would hear via one of David's friends as I knew the police were questioning them.

Then we made arrangements to go to the mortuary to view his body. My wife was still trying to convince herself that it was all a mistake. We were led into a room and I could see through the window that it was him. We wept. How could this be happening? David had such a bright future ahead of him. And yet there he was, laying there - lifeless. He looked peaceful and had a slight smile on his face. They had put a towel around the back of his head so that we couldn't see the extent of his injuries.

The rest of that day is almost blank in my mind. We were numb; numbed by disbelief and grief. I know that once we arrived home, I tried to occupy my time by telling as many people as possible what had happened; I also know that our second to eldest son arrived later that evening having travel two hundred miles to get there; I also know that there were members of the family with us including David's girlfiend, but the details are a blur. We were on autopilot.

How did it happen? That is the question that my family and I still have no answer to at the time of writing. We have no idea why was up on that roof; everyone who knew him have said that it was out of character. Did he see someone he knew and went up there to meet them? Or worse, was he chased onto the roof?

At this time we do not know and may never know. It does seem very unlikely that he would have been on the roof on his own. He had been drinking, so it is possible that someone was with him and they were fooling around when he slipped and fell. But if someone was, they still haven't come forward. We have been told that David's head injuries were so severe he would have died on impact. This has been of some comfort to us, as we were tortured by the idea of him, lying in that alley all night, crying out for help.

He had phoned his girlfriend, after he left the pub he had been at with friends, to say he was on his way home, and asked her if she wanted a burger. The place where he was found was not even a shortcut home; as it was in the wrong direction. So there are still many unanswered questions. We are hoping that we will get some answer at the inquest.

This 'not knowing' is very hard. Had he been killed in a car crash we might at least have had some idea what had happened. But David's death is a mystery at the moment.

It is strange how you never really appreciate what someone contributes to life until they have gone. We knew that David was popular and loved, but we never realised the extent of it. The day after his death, one of his friends had set up a Facebook page for him, The David Winter Appreciated Page. Within hours it was full of tributes to David. This has been a source of great comfort to us. To know that my son was so loved and had a positive infulence on the lives of those he knew, makes me feel so proud of him.

David was a complicated character. He was a gentle and quiet man who loved people. He worked as a careworker for a care agency, and was always in demand because of his gentle caring nature. I was told that many of the managers of the care homes he worked at were shocked when they were told the news, some wept. He was so well liked. Most of the people he worked with wouldn't have believed the other party loving, rock performer side of him!

David was a talented artist, and studied art at college but gave up his studies when they wanted him to push him in a direction he didn't want to go. He was also a talented musician (although not the type of music I appreciated) and had performed in bands since he was about 15. He also loved to party and go clubbing. Anyone who only knew him in this setting would not have been aware of his quiet reflective side. Although he was loved for the way he encouraged and accepted people as they were.

The alley where he was found was full of tributes to him, from friends, colleagues and family. We were inundated with cards, messages of sympathy and flowers. This too was a source of comfort to us.

David had been bought up in a Christian home, and had become a Christian in his teens, although as far as we know he wasn't walking close with the Lord when he died.

The chapel we had attended when he was younger had played a big part in David's life. In fact he had talked briefly to me about it the sunday before he died. The church used to let David's band practice there, and never complained about the type of music they were playing! I know that he appreciated the sense of acceptance they gave him.

The chapel is in a nearby village that we used to live in and David had always wanted to move back to the village but couldn't afford to. We decided to have him buried at the chapel. We didn't want the service to be taken by someone who didn't know him, so our old pastor, who had moved away, agreed to take the service.

The chapel is quite small, only holding about 120 at a squeeze. We had a suspicion that it wouldn't be big enough, so a video link was put into the church hall and a audio link was run to the carpark. It was just as well we made the arrangements was about 300 people attended, filling the chapel, hall and carpark.

We wanted the funeral to be a celebration of David's life, rather than just a sorrowful occasion. So along with the usually Christian songs, we also had music that David Liked. His coffin was bought into the chapel to Beep Street by Squarepusher, which is very upbeat. We played a track he had told one of his friend's he would like at his funeral as he was taken out to be buried, Everyone Dies by Type O negative! David would have loved it as it is so over the top.

The services was full of laughter and sadness as we remembered David. I put together a video of pictures of him from birth to the end of his life set to a track that he wrote and sang on. He had only written and recorded it a month or so before his death. The words are therefore very poignant, here is the chorus:

"It's a beautiful life, I don't know what I want,
We've not got long to live so let us make it last"

I have included the video in the module below.

There was one thing that I knew I had to do at the funeral; I needed to say something that would give honour to my son. I used to preach before my illness started to effect my speech, so public speaking isn't something that I am unfamiliar with. However, everytime I thought about David and tried to express my feelings about him I would breakdown and cry. So I was really unsure that I would make it through the service let alone speak. But when the time came I found that I had a inner strength and was able to say the following. I only wish I had said these things to David when he was alive.

In this time of sadness it would be easy to concentrate on what we have lost. But Janice and I would like us to concentrate on what we gained in having the privileged to have had David as our son. Even David's name contains something of what he means to us, David Matthew means beloved gift of God. And that is just what he was. He was beloved by us and by everyone his life touched. He was a precious gift of God given to Janice and I to love and cherish, to protect, nurture and encourage. All of our children are gifts, given to us by God to care for for a time. Usually they outlive their mums and dads, but sadly this was not to be in the case for our David, and we are experiencing probably the worse thing a parent can experience - the death of the one they brought into this world. It is just the wrong way round, the natural order is that the children outlive their parents.

The birth of David was a wonderful thing. To watch a child come into this world and know that they are yours is a beautiful and yet frightening thing. I think David often suffered our incompetent parenting, there is no rule book for being a mum and dad, and many of the lessons we learn are learnt the hard way through trial and error. Even from an early age David wanted to be awake! Usually in the middle of the night when all we wanted to do was sleep, this is something that never changed - he was always so full of life and energy. He saw sleep as a waste of time. He had so much he wanted to do.

David was born into a Christian family, and the Christian faith had a great deal of influence in his life. He was part of a wider family who also loved and cared for him. We have many Christian friends, and I remember when he was about 7 years old saying that he wanted to know Jesus. He had seen the love of all of the Christian friends we had who would often be in our house, and it had affected him. Much of his early years were spent attending church, Sunday school and the church youth club that I used to run here in the village. He, like all of our children knew that being a Christian is a personal thing, something that we have to decide for ourselves and not something that we can inherit from our parents. So although he was taught the Christian faith, he knew that the decision to be a Christian was one he had to make, and I remember with joy the time in his teens when he went forward to reaffirm his faith, with the comment ' I am not doing this for you dad, I am doing it because I believe'. We know that David belonged to Jesus, even if sometimes things that he did were not consistent with such a faith. But then who can truly say that their own life is always consistent? Thankfully God is very gracious and knows us better than we know ourselves. Only the weekend before David died he sent me a link to the Herstmonceux Free church Facebook page, and on that Sunday we talked briefly about the good memories he had from here.

David started to learn to swim when he was quite young and was really good at it. Training three or four times a week, he was an accomplished swimmer. He used to swim in competitions with Hailsham Swimming Club and often won awards. The only thing was David didn't like being the centre of attention, so he would often deliberately hold back so as not to go through the trauma of having to stand up in front of a crowd.

Drawing and painting was always something David enjoyed, and from a very young age he would spend hours at it. Eventually he went to college to study art, but never completed the course because he didn't like the type of art they wanted him to produce. He was an individual who didn't like to be pushed into something he couldn't do with integrity.

The first hint that we had of David's ability to entertain came in his last year of junior school. The school put on a production of the Adam's Family. David had to do an Elvis Presley like dance as part of it. We were all amazed. We couldn't believe that this was the same shy lad that we knew, but you could see he enjoyed every minute of it, even though he was a bit embarrassed when we tried to talk to him about it afterwards. During his teens David developed a passion for music, often the type of music that Janice and I didn't really appreciate but we did encourage him. He performed in a number of bands, always dancing about and doing crazy things. At one event at school he jumped off the stage, we later discovered he had broken his ankle! The broken ankle didn't stop him from finishing his performance. It was only afterwards that we learnt of the extent of his injury.

David's love for his music was something that continued through out his short life. He and his band, SickStitches, would often practice in this building. The members of this church gave him a lot of encouragement and never complained about the heavy metal music being played here. He left school at 16 having obtained good marks in his GCSEs, and went on to study popular music at Sussex Downs, where he obtained a diploma.

At 19 he started to work as a careworker. Firstly at Oakdown House working with profoundly disabled people. I had the privilege of working with him, and quickly saw David coming out of himself. He really loved his work. He eventually went to work for Premier Care agency as it enabled him to have more flexibility in the hours he chose to work, and enabled him to continue with his music and art. He was also a member of the bank staff at Chailey Heritage. David was an excellent careworker and was often in demand, homes would often ask for him by name when they needed cover. He was gentle, kind and always sought to preserve the dignity of those he cared for and wasn't afraid to speak out if he saw something wrong being done. We have received many messages of comfort from the care homes he worked at.

I know that his work often affected him. I remember one time when he did some shifts in a head injuries unit for children. He had seen the pictures of the children before they suffered accidents, playing and normal. I know it made him question life and helped him to realise how precarious our lives are. We never know what might happen.

David was a completely different person at work than he was on the stage and out clubbing. Those who worked with him will know him for his quietness and gentleness; those who saw him on stage or out on the town will know him as someone who loved life and who was often outrageous. But I think that everyone who knew him knew that he was kind and generous, something that didn't really fit with the music that he performed. There was nothing simple about David. He hated to be the centre of attention, and yet he also loved to perform and make his friends laugh. I think that David often dealt with these feelings by lampooning himself.

Four years ago David met Haley on the internet. They eventually met and found that they had much in common. She was even able to put up with his love for spiders! I know that David and Haley loved each other very much, and how difficult this time has been for her. We want you to know Haley that we consider you to be part of our family and will always be here for you.

Losing David has deeply affected so many people, especially his close family. We miss him so much and still expect him to come through the door. Life will never be the same without him. But we also know how much he is missed by so many others, from friends, acquaintances and those who watched his performances in Ventolin, Sickstitches and latterly Kritical Mass, to those he cared for and worked with. Janice, I and all my family want to thank everyone who paid a role in David's life and for all of the messages of condolences we have received. We have been deeply touched by the tributes that everyone has paid to David. To know he touched so many lives is a great comfort to us.

David we are so proud of you. We will love you forever.

I was so glad that I was able to do this. I felt had honoured him and done the last thing I, as a father, would ever be able to do for my son.

Many times I have thought about updating this lens, but each time I have come here I see the pictures of David and have to leave. It has been eight months since David died. We are still waiting for the inquest into his death. The process seems to take such a long time. I have had contact with the coroner and know enough to know that we are unlikely to get all the answers to what happened on the night he died. The whole thing seems to be surrounded by mystery. Why did he go up onto that flat roof (it has steps leading to it)? He had told his girlfriend that he was on his way home and this was out of the way. Was he chased up there? Did he see trouble and try to avoid it by finding a different route home? Did he see someone he knew and go up to see them. If so, why haven't they come forward. We do know he had been drinking, but he wasn't completely out of his head. We also know that it looks as if he slipped and fell. But why it happened seems to be a question we may never have answered. This is the most difficult thing to deal with.

The pain is still with me but I have learned how to cope with it. There is still hardly any time that passes when I don't think about him. Keeping my mind active helps, but as soon as I stop I think of David again. There are times when I think I am dealing with my grief well, and then something will remind me of David and the ache returns. There are certain times of day when it is more difficult. Early evening is one of them. David used to come through the door and say " Hi dad - I've come to do my washing." He would then come and sit with me and chat. I miss that so much. The only difference between now and when we first lost him is I don't breakdown in tears everytime I think of him. I so much want to talk to him, to hug him and let him know how much I love him. This is the constant ache in my heart.

Although this lens is called Losing Your Child, I am well aware that David was a full grown man. But as a parent your children are always children. You saw them come into the world, you watched them grow, take their first steps, start school, comfort them, celebrate their achievements etc. My thoughts are often filled with memories of David as a child. How I wish I had spent more time with him. I don't think I was a bad father, but the demands of life often meant that I couldn't spend the time I would have like to have spent with him or my other children. Of course, regrets are futile. What has happened has happened. But I suppose regrets are a normal part of the greiving process, as are all the, 'what ifs' . I try not to to dwell on the 'what ifs" as again it is a futile exercise. I have to accept what has happened and, as a christian, believe that my Heavenly Father has a purpose in it all. It is comforting to know that He knows what happened even if I don't, and that David wasn't alone when it happened. If God knows when a sparrow dies or when I lose a hair from my head, I can be confident that he knew about David and was with him.

Of course this experience has affected my relationship with God. Only in that it has challenged many of my long held beliefs. I don't think I have been angry with Him. I have asked him, why? But it's the question about what happens to us when we die that has most troubled me. I have come to realise that what we often believe as christians is so inconsistent. What we believe about our eternal security often depends on our theological backgound. And this a the most troubling thing. Some Christians believe that you are only truly saved if you continue to follow Jesus, and that it is possible to lose your salvation. Others teach 'once saved always saved', but usually add 'if you truly believe', and how do you know you have truly believed? By continuing to walk with God. So actually both of these positions are logically the same. There can be no certainty.

This is no longer a acedemic question for me. It is easy to think about these things abstractly. But when someone you love dies and you are not sure of where they stood before God, these questions are very real. The biggest question for me is how can I continue to serve a God, who may possibly have condemned my son to eternal punishment? This is what I have believed for most of my Christian life - that those who don't believe in Jesus will be punished, not just with a finite just punishment for finite sins, but with infinite punishment for finite sins. Death is the point of no return; once condemned you are condemned forever.

If it is true that after this life there is no more hope, then having children isn't a blessing at all. In fact it would be better to be childless than to risk your child being condemned to eternal torment. Most christians never give this much thought, especially when their children are young. Or they believe their children will eventially become believers. But the real world shows this isn't always the case. Many people who were brought up in a Christian family end up rejecting the faith of their parents. For a while I felt as if God had duped me! If in fact David hadn't died in a believing state and is now condemned forever, how could a loving God allow my wife and I to produce him? The Bible says that children are a blessing. But if what I believed about eternity is true they most certainly are not, unless they choose to follow Jesus. If what I believed is true the vast majority of those who are born into the world, something they didn't choose for themslves, are destined to be tormented forever with no way out.

I have thought long and hard about writing about this subject. Mainly because I know that the reaction I will get from some Christians may be harsh, and I am not sure I am able to handle that at this time. But I also know there are many Christians who have lost their children in similar circumstances and must be tormented by the same thoughts I was tormented with, so I feel abliged to share someting about it here. This isn't something I can deal with completely here. But I can at least I can point you towards some helpful articles that might help you. Perhaps I'll write about this subject at another time. Losing David has made me re-examine my beliefs and lead me to see what the Bible actually says rather than uncritically accept what I have been taught. This process has not been comfortable. As I said I cannot do a complete study into this subject here. For a start this lens isn't the right place to do it, and also it would make this lens much too long. The next section will point you towards some articles I have found useful. I am sure that many will disagree with the views put forward, but for me they are the only ones that make consistant sense.

The inquest into David's death took place on the 6th October 2009, nearly 13 months after we lost him. It was not easy having to go through it all again, why we had to wait so long is beyond me. We had just come to a place where we had accepted our loss and were getting on with our lives the best we could. The inquest has stirred up all the emotions of our original loss again. I miss him so much.

We had hoped we might get some answers as to what happened that tragic night. But we were wrong. Although the police put a lot of time into the initial period after David's body was found, it became evident they had quickly decided it was just a drunk who had died fooling around. They didn't bother to put a board up appealing for witnesses but relied almost entirely on talking to his friends, none of whom even saw him leave the bar. There was a glass with a drink similar to what David had been drinking on the steps leading up to the roof he fell from. They assumed it was his. but when I questioned the policeman giving evidence he had to admit there was not forensic evidence to link it with David. David, had been drinking, he blood alcohol level was 3 times over the legal limit. That sounds high, but it is only about the equivalent of about 5 pints of beer. Not much for someone who drank regularly. The coroner returned an open verdict.

There are still so many questions about how David died that remain unanswered. We are sure he would not have been on that roof on his own, it was totally out of character. He had already phoned his girlfriend to say he was on his way home, and he was found going in the opposite direction. For us there are only a few possible explanations as to why he was there. Either he was chased up there, he was up there with some else and they haven't owned up, or he saw trouble and was trying to avoid it. Nothing else makes any sense. The problem is there is no evidence to prove it.

It would have been nice to have known for certain what happened on that night, but it looks as if we will have to live with the fact we will never know. This is not an easy thing to deal with. Knowing what happened would not bring him back, but at least we would understand how it happened.

We have now got to try and piece our lives together again. The pain is less, or should I say it was until after the inquest, but I still miss him so much. All I can hope for is I will see him again in heaven.