Love is Forever - A Short Story

Jean!

A man's voice barking out my name woke me from what felt like a deep sleep. I sat up suddenly in bed and opened my eyes to see who called me. All I could see was white - not white walls, a white ceiling, or white curtains, but a completely blank white. It was like a fog bank or cloud had settled around me, or I had gone blind. A soft woman's voice in my head said, "Oh no, my illness has taken my eyesight too?" Another woman's voice answered the first, "What illness? Have I been sick?"

I realized that my mind was as foggy as the room I appeared to be in. I could feel the solidity of the bed I lay upon, but I couldn't seem to remember how I got there, or where I was. I knew my eyes were open, yet saw nothing. I heard these two women speaking, but couldn't see them, nor could I even tell where the voices came from, they were just "there".

Jean Marie Dougherty? That is your name, correct?

The man's voice spoke to me again. It was a deep baritone, commanding yet gentle, not forceful as it asked the question. "Yes", I responded in a hoarse voice, almost breaking as if from lack of use or a dry throat. The first voice spoke again, saying, "Well, I have been very sick, and it has been hard to talk." The second voice said, "I have? It has? Why don't I remember any of these things you talk about?"

I thought to myself, "Who is that speaking about me?" Almost at once, both voices replied to my thought, in tandem - "It's me." I blinked and thought again, "Did they hear me thinking?" and again they replied, "Oh course we can hear you, you're talking so loudly." My confusion began to build, and a sense of dread that perhaps I've lost my mind and not just my eyesight.

Please select your infinity age.

My foggy mind was a blank slate. I had no idea what the voice was asking me for, so I didn't know how to respond. "My.... what?" I croaked, licking my lips and trying to tell if I had a cold or something that was affecting my voice. As I waited for a reply, I turned my head slowly to the left, until I could feel the pillow under my ear. I saw nothing but white. I slowly turned my head to the right, again until I could feel the pillow under my ear. Again, I saw nothing but white. I must be blind then. I straightened my head until I felt I was looking "up" at the ceiling that wasn't there.

Please select your infinity age, the age you wish to appear to be for all time.

"36" I said. The number had just appeared in my mind, and came out of my mouth almost like an instinctual response. I didn't know why I picked that number, it just felt right. The first voice said, "Because that's how old you were before your world crashed - the last time you were truly happy", and the second voice said, "Yes, it was the last time you saw him." It was so confusing to have these other voices apparently conversing with me, and each other, from somewhere inside within my mind, not to mention I was having a conversation with a disembodied voice coming out of thin air. The first voice broke in sarcastically, "If it wasn't worth mentioning it, then why did you?" The second voice scolded the first, "Leave her alone, she's confused enough without us picking on her."

I couldn't see anything to give me an idea of where I was. The first voice said, "But he has a nice voice, don't you think?" The second voice said, "Don't encourage her to flirt, she's spoken for after all!" "I am?" I thought to them both, not remembering who they could be talking about as I had been alone for many years, and had no interest in flirting with anyone since%u2026.. since%u2026 something bad happened. I tried to remember what the bad thing was, but it was elusive, a memory that bounced around in my head refusing to be caught and remembered. A painful memory, but an important one, I was sure of that. I had the feeling that there were several memories eluding me in the same manner, as the voice had spoken about being ill, but I didn't remember being sick. Then the deep voice spoke again.

36. Infinity age has been selected and input into the system. Please prepare yourself for processing.

Before I could ask him what "processing" meant, an icy cold draft of air from above washed over me. It felt like an icy cold shower had been turned on above me, but yet I wasn't getting wet! The air hit me as I lay on the bed, and then washed over the sides of the bed. I could feel the wave of cold moving up my chest, down my legs, until for just one instant I was covered from head to toe by the ice coldness. Then just as quickly as it had started, it was over, and my body shivered with the cold for just a few moments before the sensation began to fade away. My body was left with a numb, tingling sensation. It was sort of like the sensation that you get when your foot falls asleep, and it's waking up, except this was happening all over my body. I shivered, and brought my arms up to wrap around myself, holding my elbows. I could feel the soft fabric of my clothing rubbing against my bare arms as they moved, and I could feel my hands touching my elbows, even though I continued to be blind to my surroundings.

"Where.... where am I?" I asked, "Is this some kind of a hospital?" That would make sense, if I was sick, I should be in a hospital so I can get better. My voice sounded much stronger than it did before, and I could feel that the numbness began to fade away. My chest began to feel warm again, and in just a few moments the last lingering tingling was in the tips of my fingers and toes.

No. You are no longer at the hospital. You have Awakened. In Eternity.

I blinked, then blinked again as this statement sank into my foggy mind. A hospital, I DID remember being in a hospital, suddenly I recalled flashbacks of the handsome doctor who had been treating me, and the nice nurses who came to help me with a sip of water, or changing the channel on the TV. I remembered that I felt so tired of being so sick. I was used to being alone and not needing anyone to take care of me, and having to depend on so many strangers was so uncomfortable for me. Then, someone had come to visit; I don't remember who it was, the face is blurry, but it was someone nice, someone I liked. But I was too tired to talk with them for very long, and after they went home, I remembered going to sleep, wanting to dream of happier times from my youth. "My youth - if I dreamed of my youth then I must now be old", I thought to myself, trying to remember what I looked like, how old I was. The first voice chuckled, "Well, not as old as dirt, and that's a good thing, isn't it?" and the second voice again scolded the first, "I told you, be nice!"

The man's voice had said I had awakened in Eternity, but that it wasn't a hospital. So I hadn't been transferred somewhere else to recover from my illness. There isn't a city named Eternity nearby, and I know I wasn't well enough to travel anywhere far from home. Where could this Eternity be? It would be a place where eternal people live, I guess, chuckling to myself, before stopping suddenly. It hit me what another meaning of Eternity could be. Could that mean...

"I'm dead." I spoke aloud in a soft voice filled with disbelief, yet not questioning the leap of logic I had made. The first voice said, "You shouldn't be surprised, you were very sick." The second voice said, "I was?" Another flashback to the doctor, explaining to me that the cancer had spread farther than they had thought before, and it wasn't responding to the medications they were trying. But they were going to send my results on to another specialist to see what other treatments they could try, and I should just rest as best I could. The medication they were giving me would still continue to keep the pain away, but it might make me drowsy, so if I felt like sleeping, I should. The rest would do me good. The rest would do me good, he said. And now I'm resting for good. The first voice chuckled, "You still have that strange sense of humor of yours, that's for sure". The second voice was strangely quiet - I think she was as confused and mystified as I was about things.

Correct, and you have Awakened in Eternity.

I let the man's voice fade and then swallowed. "Do you mean I'm in Heaven?" I wished this fog would lift from my mind; it was like walking through hip deep water trying to pull my thoughts together. I could feel large gaps in my memories, empty holes where important people or events belonged. They were several little bouncing balls that appeared to fit in those holes. I knew this because when one splashed back into place, I would remember something - like the hospital, and the doctor. My mind focused again on his words, what they meant.
Well, I knew couldn't be in Heaven, I wasn't a church-going woman, and I had never totally forgiven God for the great wrong he did me. My mind latched onto that feeling, and I could tell it was tied to one of the holes in my memory, but couldn't put the pieces together to remember WHY I was mad at God. It was like trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle without the picture to look at, and knowing that a handful of pieces have fallen on the floor and you can't find them. But I remembered being mad at God for something - and surely He doesn't invite people to Heaven that are mad at him%u2026 would he?

We call it Eternity, as those of all faiths are welcome here.

Oh my gosh, I'm dreaming about a politically correct version of Heaven. That made more sense than being dead, that I was just dreaming. The pain medication was making me dream, and somehow I'm dreaming of being dead. I had really strange dreams before under some of the medications I had been trying, so that's got to be it, that's got to be it. OK, I can just wake up now then. I thought "Wake up!" and the first voice giggled, "Sweetheart, you can't wake up, because you're not asleep anymore, you've really died and Awakened," the first voice said slowly. The second voice whispered, "Dead, I'm really dead?" This first voice seemed to understand things and know things that the second voice and I didn't understand. I also had the feeling that the first voice was telling me the truth, and wasn't part of some drug-induced dream.

"Who are you?" I asked the disembodied man who had been speaking to me. I needed some structure here besides strange voices talking to me in my head. This voice must have a name, must belong to someone%u2026 or something. I'm dead, I'm really dead, I can't believe I'm dead. It was a mantra repeating itself over and over in my mind. I could faintly hear the second voice saying it as well.

My name is Marcus. I will be your guide in Eternity after we complete Processing.

Processing - that really didn't sound fun at all. It sounded like something from one of those Nazi Concentration Camps where people were gathered up, and information about them recorded, and then they were turned out into a big barracks or someplace worse. It sounded like Immigration - having to go through and fill out some sort of paperwork or something before they let you into the country. But, come on, do you think they would they have paperwork in Heaven, er, Eternity? That sounded so silly.

Then one of those niggling thoughts struggled through the fog, broke through to the surface, bounced into place, and hit me. If I'm dead, if I'm in Heaven, then that means he's here too. Almost instantly after that thought hit me, I knew who he was. I knew who the voice meant when she said I was spoken for, and why I was mad at God. I remembered Fred. "Where is Fred? I want to see Fred!" My anxiety and the shock of realizing the implications of what was happening began to hit me all at once. The question came out in a panicked sounding voice, with a hint of desperation to it. I could feel the familiar sensation of a panic attack coming on - the feeling of overwhelming fear that I would get when I had to go out in a crowd, or speak at a public event, or talk to someone important. All the therapy and how-to books I had read had never managed to totally cure me of these panic attacks in certain situations. I had learned to control and contain them, and let them out later when it was safe again. I had never managed to build my self-confidence up to a point where I wouldn't be filled with self-doubts in difficult situations. I had to be strong, I have to get through this - because maybe I won't be alone and facing it by myself anymore if%u2026 he is here. He has to be here! The excitement pulled at me almost physically, until I sat straight up in bed. Even though I couldn't see, the sudden movement brought a wave of dizziness and vertigo. I brought my hands up to my face, covering my eyes, and took several deep breaths until the dizziness passed. I lowered my hands and opened my eyes again to the blankness. Looking down, I couldn't even see my legs under a sheet on the bed I sat on. I knew my legs were there, I could feel them, but couldn't see them. I was definitely blind then - I wonder if this was a normal reaction to dying?

Who is Fred?

"Fred is... was.... my husband. He passed away a long time ago, he's probably been waiting for me - I've been waiting to see him again, for such a long time." It was my longest speech since I woke up, and it left me tired and drained. Something just didn't feel right yet, I felt so weak and trembling. The panic had started to fade, and was replaced by an excitement, an eagerness, that perhaps something I had dreamed of for so long could actually, just maybe, come true. It had been such a long time since I could see his face instead of his picture; hear his voice instead of just listening to a recording saying the same words over and over again. It had been such a long time that I had relied on my memories of him to sustain me day-to-day, week-to-week, and then year-to-year. He had been gone for%u2026. I tried to recall how long it had been since Fred died, but that appeared to be piece of information still bouncing around in my mind.

Your family will be here shortly to welcome you to Eternity. He is certainly going to be among them. There will be a party in your honor so they can say hello to you. However first, we must complete your Processing. Please use the mirror on the table to verify the Infinity Age is correct.

Mirror? I was blind, how could I find and use a mirror? I turned my head to the left, and then to the right, and suddenly a small white end table just appeared next to the bedside where I was sitting, and on it was a silver hand mirror laying face down. I slowly reached my hand out, and saw my hand grasp the mirror, and pull it from the table into my lap. My eyes followed the path of the mirror until it was laying on top of my legs. Now, the legs under the sheet that I couldn't see before, I could. There was a faint floral pattern on the sheet, but I couldn't exactly tell where the sheet ended and fell over the side of the bed and the whiteness began. But I could see something. So I'm not blind then, there just wasn't anything to see. That didn't make sense though, my legs were there to see before and I couldn't why can I now? The first voice sighed and said, "You're jumping ahead in the process, let's take one thing at a time shall we?" The second voice murmured, "Who will we see in the mirror?" I slowly lifted the mirror to my face, held the handle in both hands, as they were trembling, and slowly turned it over in my hand, and looked at my reflection.

My eyes widened at what I saw. I saw a young woman with long brown hair, blue-gray eyes that I knew changed color with her mood, clear unwrinkled skin, and a pair of brown-rimmed glassed perched on her nose. I knew that face, I knew that was me, but it was the "Me" of over 30 years ago. Another memory floated to the top of my mind and popped back into place. I had been 68 years old when I checked into the hospital. Now I was young again! "It's me... me when I was young. How is this possible?" The second voice sighed with relief, "I'm so glad I recognized myself!"

That is your infinity age. That is how it works here in Eternity. You are only as old as you wish to appear to be.

While I let that thought settle into my mind, I asked again, "When can I see Fred?" I brought my right hand from the handle of the mirror to my face, and watched as I touched my cheeks, straightened my hair, adjusted my glasses, and ran my tongue over my teeth. It had been so long since I had seen him; I wanted to know if he had been watching over me, if he was proud of all I had accomplished on my own. I needed to know if I did a good job with%u2026 with something. Darn it all, another hole in my memory, how many more of these will I have to wait on! Anyway I wanted - no needed - to know if he had missed me as much as I missed him, and to finally hear what had really happened that night%u2026 that horrible, terrible night. At the same time, my eyes felt almost hungry, devouring the reflection in the mirror of myself at the age of 36. Only in pictures had I looked so young, so carefree, so relaxed and at piece. It was the image of me before the stress of being a widow and having to take care of everything on my own began to take its toll upon me.

After Processing.

"So what else is involved in Processing?" I was eager to continue with the process, to get it over with as soon as possible so I could be reunited with Fred. My little voice companions appeared to agree with me. The first voice said, "Hurry hurry...", while the second voice echoed the first, "Faster faster..."

First you are Awakened, and Named. Then you select your Infinity Age, and verify it is accurate. Currently, I am awaiting verification that it is accurate so we can proceed.

I began to wonder if Marcus was some sort of computer or artificial intelligence - if they have paperwork in Heaven, maybe they have computers too. Goodness Fred would fit right in if that was the case, I smiled to myself. If he was, then we have completed the checklist step by step to get to the end. "Yes, it is accurate." I replied and smiled, glancing back down at my face in the mirror that lay once more in my lap. "What's next?"

Next you must select your clothing, and to do that you must learn a little bit about how things work here in Eternity. Please watch the screen in front of you.

"What screen..." I began to ask Marcus, but then my voice trailed off as a television screen materialized out of the white fog of my surroundings. It appeared right at the foot of my bed, and reminded me so much of the television from my sewing room, except this one was white instead of black. After a few moments, the screen filed with static, and then a solid blue screen appeared. This was followed by a film that reminded me of the educational films of the 1950's. It welcomed me to Eternity, and that the physical pains and hardships I had experienced before had now ended, and new life was about to begin. That it was normal to be afraid, but you will have friends, family, and your Guide to help you along the way with any questions you may have. The film then explained that the physics of the world I had left behind do not apply in Eternity.

Everything here is controlled by our thoughts. What we think, happens - within limits. We cannot use our thoughts to control the actions or property of another Eternal, only ourselves, and those around us who choose to allow themselves to be affected as well. Once a thought has occurred, the effected properties will remain that way until they are thought to be differently. While it sounds like a very complicated process, it is actually an instinctive ability that all Eternals share. It is often difficult for the newly Awakened to use this ability with some semblance of control. We will therefore practice here in the safety of the Hall by having you create your own attire.

To practice this new ability of mine, the movie said that I was to think about what would be the most comfortable clothing I could be wearing right now. The tape paused, and then the voice continued, "Now look down."

I looked down, and blinked in surprise as I saw the sheet was gone, and I was now wearing a pair of blue jeans, white sneakers, and a T-shirt celebrating the 2035 National Championship of my favorite collegiate football team. It had been my favorite outfit to wear before the hospital. I had thought about it automatically in response to the commanding voice on the screen, and it just appeared on me.

The presentation continued, and I looked back up to the screen.

Congratulations on your success, and said if there were any problems, your Guide will be happy to assist you further. That is what your Guide is here for, to ease your transition from an earthly existence to an Eternal one. Your family will also be able to assist you in learning what living in Eternity is like We are so pleased that you have joined us, and may you have Eternal Happiness.

The screen went to a blue screen, then static, and then blank, before it faded back into the mist. It was just me, my bed, the mirror in my lap, and the end table in a vast whiteness.

Is your clothing as you thought it to be?

"Yeeeees." My reply was drawn out, as disbelief of what I was experiencing was finally fading, or perhaps I had been awakened long enough for consciousness to begin to push the fog out of my mind. As strange as it was, the idea of being dead wasn't so scary now, and I accepted the idea almost casually. The first voice said, "Man, that was a great season of football, I used to watch the games over and over again on HoloDisc", and the second voice said "Figures you'd choose sports - I'm surprised it's not the quarterback's jersey or something".

"Who..." This conversation in my head was getting confusing; the voices obviously knew me, and yet seemed to be talking as if they were me at the same time they spoke to me. "Whose voices am I hearing besides yours, Marcus?"

I hear no other voices. I assume you are experiencing some spiritual distortion from the journey, and are therefore probably talking to yourself. The effect will fade in time, as the pieces of your spirit will remerge into yourself. You may also experience some memory issues until the distortion effect fades completely.

Well, at least I wasn't going crazy, I was just having conversations with myself. "Wasn't that special", I thought sarcastically to myself in a fairly good Church Lady voice. The first voice said, "Well I think so." and the second voice said, "Me too!", and I thought to both of them "Shush".

"Marcus, please tell me what's next for Processing?"

Processing is now complete. You can exit through the doorway.

My heart jumped into my chest. It was done, so quickly, I expected it would be much more complicated and time-consuming, but I certainly wasn't going to complain. I slowly swung my legs over the left side of the bed, set the mirror down on the bed next to me, and began to watch the mist for a door to appear like the TV screen had. Wait a minute.

"I didn't know there was TV in Heaven?" I asked surprised. I looked around, wondering if there were loudspeakers or something in the room where Marcus' voice was coming from. The voice didn't seem to come from any single direction in the room, but from all directions at once. Surround sound capabilities, Fred would enjoy that too.

No, there isn't, at least not television as you remember it. Remember that here, Eternity is Thought. As new souls come to Eternity, they bring their thoughts with them, including knowledge of the technologies of the world they left behind. They think about them here, because they wish for things to be normal, as they remember normal to be. Those technologies therefore become a part of Eternity. The television screen was a vast improvement over the old methods of lecturing we used to use, so Guides began to incorporate it in Processing once we were certain that most souls would be able to recognize a screen and Think it.

It was the longest speech by far from Marcus. I continued to scan for the doorway while thinking about the TV screen and what other things from Earth I would find here. After what seemed like forever of not seeing a door I asked, "Marcus, where is the door, I don't see it yet?"

You haven't Thought one into existence yet, you are probably too busy thinking of other things besides the doorway out of the room. The newly Awakened are easily distracted, and require a focused Thought to cause effects around them. The room you are in is made up of pure Eternity - nothing exists within the room except for yourself, unless you Think it into existence. You created the bed, table, mirror, and screen yourself, just as you did the clothing you now wear, but you did so using more instinct than conscious Thought. Now it's up to you to create the door so you can leave the room.

"Oh." I blinked a couple of times, then closed my eyes to help me focus on the image of a door. I opened my eyes, and watched in wonder as the white door of a country cottage appeared in the fog. It seemed to be quite a ways from the bed on which I sat. The first voice says, "You've been sick, can you walk that far on your own?" and the second voice responded, "She's not sick anymore, she's 36 and strong now!" I still felt nervous about getting off the bed, which felt solid under me, and putting my feet on a floor that didn't appear to exist to walk across blank nothingness to a door that just hung in the air. Then I smiled, and looked down at my shoes and Thought again. A red carpet appeared on the floor at my feet, and unrolled itself leading right up to the door. It provided a perfect path for me to follow right up to the doorway.

I'd just take it slow and easy, in case my legs were still weak. I had to keep my eagerness of seeing Fred at bay so I didn't trip and fall. I might not be able to get up by myself. I had been stuck in that bed for awhile at the hospital. Besides that, it's not like I was going to be late for my own party - you can't start a party without the guest of honor, and that would be me. They'll wait for me as long as it takes for me to get there.

Showing off now, aren't we?

I could hear the humor in his voice, and recognized he wasn't being mean or sarcastic with the comment. I also doubted that Marcus was just a computer, unless computers in Eternity had developed a sense of humor and sarcasm. I could almost hear the smile he had to be wearing. "No, I just wanted something to walk on besides the nothingness." My feet touched the red carpet, and it felt solid enough beneath my feet. As I stood, I felt strong and steady on my feet, like I hadn't been in a very long time. I took one cautious step forward, then another, releasing my hold on the bed to stand on my own two feet for the first time in - well I wasn't sure exactly how long it had been, but I felt fairly certain it had been awhile. The first voice said, "Hurry up! You can do it!" I began to slowly walk down the red carpet, towards the white door. The second voice cheered me on as well, "Go on - you'll be with your family soon! How exciting!"

I stopped walking at this second comment. "What is on the other side of the door? Is my family waiting for me there?" I was excited and scared at the same time to see them - especially Fred. But the thought of a large crowd was intimidating, even if it was a crowd of loved ones.

No. I am on the other side of the door, alone, to welcome you to Eternity and to escort you to your family.

"Oh." I seemed to be saying that a lot today. My brain really needed to wake up or catch up with what's going on so I could make more interesting responses. I started walking again up the red carpet until I came up to the door. I reached out, turned the knob, and slowly pushed the door open, not knowing what to expect on the other side.

I stood in the doorway, looking into what appeared to be a computer lab. The wall to my right was filled with knobs and dials and small screens flashing numbers and scrolling words. The opposite wall was a large pane of glass looking out into a bright room. The wall in front of me was bare, and the only furniture within the room was a large cherry desk, and a man sitting in an office chair behind it, with a microphone sitting in front of him. A large glass light fixture in the shape of a half-sphere filled the center of the ceiling, providing a soft gentle light in the room. The man who was sitting behind the desk stood up and began to walk around the desk towards me.

"Jean. Welcome to Eternity - may your rest be peaceful and your pleasures here be many." The man, who must be Marcus, approached me, reached out and took my hands and held them as I took a few steps into the room. The door closed on its own behind me, and when I turned to look back, saw nothing but a solid wall.

"Marcus. It is nice to meet you." You could hear the nervousness in my voice as I greeted him. Strangers were scary. He smiled down at me, and I looked at him in closer detail. He appeared to be about 6 feet tall, 50 years old, with salt and pepper hair, wearing a black jacket, navy trousers, and a soft blue shirt. He looked sort of like an old uncle or family friend would look. His blue eyes twinkled in amusement, and he squeezed my hands gently. "Do I live up to your expectations?", and I realized I had been staring.

"Oh, I'm sorry, that was rude of me. Uhm. You look much more... normal than your voice sounded. But that was the effect of the microphone, I suppose." I glanced behind him to the desk, with the microphone sitting upon it. The shape of the microphone looked very familiar, an old-style table unit with a large black foam cover on it. It looked a lot like the one Fred had kept sitting on the shelf in his office.

"Yes. We have found that a louder voice made the Awakening easier. Now, shall we go and see your family?"

I froze again, and was gripped with a fear so intense; I couldn't have taken a step.

"No. I'm too scared. There will be so many people at once. So many people. I'm afraid of people." I began to tremble with my fear, and I'm sure he could feel my hands shake within his grasp.

"Perhaps you would like to see just Fred first then?" Marcus suggested. "Would the crowd be easier to face with him at your side?"

I nodded, unable to say a word as my throat had closed up. Thirty-two years I had waited to see Fred again, and now - he was really here? I didn't know what to think, or say. What would I say to the man I still loved so much, but who had been gone for so long. Would he have changed after so long in Eternity, would he be "My Fred" anymore, or something else? If I had changed during the years I lived after he died, had he changed as well?

"I think a private reunion with him would be best, let me tell him where to meet us." He turned and looked towards the wall with the glass pane. The glass of the window began to shrink, shifting over to the right, and then a plain brown door appeared next to it. Marcus turned back to me, "He says he will meet us in the parlor, let's get there first, shall we?" He tucked my left hand around his right arm, and escorted me slowly towards the door, which opened by itself as we approached. A hallway filled with similar style doors appeared behind it, and we began to walk down it.

"You spoke to Fred - he is here then?" I whispered, feeling like I was in a library or a government building where quiet ruled.

"Yes, while you were watching the movie and getting dressed, I looked him up in the system, and made contact directly, to ensure he had known that you had arrived, and would be here to see you. Once I had done that, I was able to speak to him again through Thought, as you saw."

"What are behind all of these doors?" I asked him. The hallways seemed to go on forever, we passed pair after pair of doors as we walked.

"Processing rooms, like the one you just left. It is easier for us to handle incoming souls in one location. We will take the elevator down to the Reunion level, and meet up with your family there."

"Oh, OK." There was that darn "Oh" again. I would have hoped that being up and moving around would have brought me to my senses a little faster, but there still seemed to be gaps in my memory. It had improved from the way I felt when I first woke up though, so that was encouraging. We got to the end of the hallway, and entered a large rotunda with multiple hallways leading away from it. I could see that each one of them were lined with more doors. I couldn't even imagine how many rooms there must be - but then, considering how many people must die every second on Earth, I guess you were need a lot of Processing rooms, wouldn't you? In the center of the room was a blue rectangular box, with two doors facing us and the words "Police Box" above the doors. I stopped and stared and whispered, "The TARDIS?", and looked questioningly up at Marcus. He grinned, and said, "Well, actually its just the elevator, but we tend to play around with what it looks like. Fred said you were a fan of Doctor Who, so I thought this would amuse you." I grinned back at him, then turned to look at the doors of the TARDIS. My goodness, how many times as a child had I dreamed of being the companion of the renegade Time Lord known as the Doctor, and roaming the universe fighting the various evil creatures that sought to cause trouble. I nodded, and said, "It seems a very appropriate place of entry for our journey." We walked up, and Marcus pushed open the doors. The two doors opened to reveal a marble covered elevator, with circular impressions covering the walls, just like the interior of the TARDIS. We stepped in, and I turned around to look for the button panel as the doors closed behind us - but there was none. "How do we tell it where to take us?" I asked.

He turned to me and smiled, "We Think it, of course". With those words, the elevator began to descend. Not knowing how long of a journey we had, I wanted to know more about Marcus.

"Are you an angel?" I asked him, turning to look up at him. He chuckled, and shook his head. "No, I'm not an angel. I am a soul, just like you, who has chosen to work to help the newly Awakened make the transition from their earthly life to their Eternal one. I am a Guide."

"Are there angels? Is there %u2026. I mean, does He%u2026" I faltered, not knowing an unoffensive way of asking if God existed. Marcus just smiled, "You are the inquisitive type, just as Fred said you would be. Yes, the Father watches over all of us, both on Earth and here in Eternity. He has servants called Angels, who run errands and perform certain tasks on his behalf. One of those tasks is bringing souls from Earth to Eternity." My jaw must have dropped, as I imagined being carried up into the sky by a beautiful woman in white with wings, wearing my hospital gown.

"If there is a Heaven her in Eternity, then is there a Hell?" Marcus nodded, "Yes, and No. All souls are brought into processing centers like this one. When they are awakened, their life's history is transferred into the system and evaluated. Those who have committed the most heinous of crimes and sins, who do not have a place in Eternity, are sent to a prison, a penitentiary if you will, kept separate from the rest of the Eternals, and made to pay for their crimes. Their families are allowed to visit them, but they are never allowed to earn the pleasures and rest that we enjoy here. "How can you be resting if you have a job?" That didn't make sense to me, but Marcus just smiled, "It does not feel like a job to me any more, this is more like a hobby or pleasant pastime. One can only rest for so long before one longs to be useful again. This is my way of being useful. With the growing population on Earth, the number of incoming souls is always on the increase as well. The more Guides we have, the faster processing is able to occur and the sooner people can be re-united with their loved ones."

"How long have you been in Eternity, Marcus? Or is that a rude question to ask?" I wanted to know more about him, but after asking the question, bit my tongue in case I had offended him. But he just smiled (the first voice said softly, "He smiles a lot - he must be a happy man") and said, "Time moves in its own way in Eternity. It's hard to measure. I will tell you this - when I lived I was a Senator with an estate out in the country. When I wasn't needed, I liked to work out in the vineyards, making wine. Unfortunately, it was a foul batch of my own wine that caused my death." I looked down at the floor, trying to remember if any Senators from Congress had died from food poisoning when Marcus continued, "At least if I had to die, it was at home instead of in Rome, away from my family. That would have been much harder for them to deal with." Now, I'm sure my jaw dropped as I realized he meant he had been a Roman Senator - like from the Roman Empire. I said softly, "That would mean you've been dead for like three thousand years - yet you talk about televisions and technology without any problems?" He nodded, "We can continue to learn and grow as individuals even though we've died. I have been amazed to watch the growth of mankind, and their achievements over the years. As a Guide, I feel it is good for me to learn about these things, especially if they can help me be a better Guide to my charges."

The elevator continued down during our conversation, and I thought about everything that Marcus had told me. It went down for what felt like a couple more minutes before coming to a stop, and the doors opened into a vast foyer. "This way", Marcus said, and exiting the elevator (which looking back, now appeared to be the iron cage style elevator of the early 1900's), Marcus pulled me off to the right, towards a set of double doors that opened into a parlor filled with chairs, tables, pictures, and knickknacks like something out of a Victorian house. Marcus settled me down on the sofa, and said, "Fred will be here shortly. He'll come through that door (pointing to a small door next to the fireplace on the other side of the room). Take as long as you'd like - I will wait with the rest of your family until you are ready. Just Think to me when you're ready for me to fetch you, alright?"

"Just... Think to you? Like telepathy works in books?"

"Exactly like that. Do you want to try it?" He smiled, and I heard his voice in my head, "Can you hear me?"

"Yes." I said aloud, and the two voices in my head giggled and both said, "No, Think your response to him so you can know you can do it.". Oh, right. I closed my eyes, and thought about Marcus' face, and said, "YES".

"A little loud, but not bad for your first try. Maybe I'll have you whisper to me when you're ready." He laughed, and I knew he was teasing me again. "I hope you enjoy your reunion." He kissed my hand, went back out the double doors, and closed them behind him, leaving me alone in the cozy but cluttered room.

I was left alone, sitting on the sofa, staring at the other door waiting.

How long would it take, what do I do while I wait, has he been watching over me since he died, did he know how my life turned out, did he know how Michael turned out.

"Michael!" Another one of those balls of memory had shown itself to me, and I gasped - I hadn't even thought of my son until that moment. How could I have forgotten my son? The first voice said, "He'll be happy your suffering is over" and the second voice said, "You'll see him again when it's his turn, don't fret for him."

I was so focused on seeing Fred again I had forgotten about my son, what his grief must be like losing me. I'm the only parent he had left, his father had died several years ago and Fred, his step-father had been gone even longer. At least he had Jill and the kids to help him cope with his pain. I put my head in my hands, grief hitting me, but in reverse, knowing I was dead while he lived, and remembering my daughter-in-law and grandchildren for the first time.

I heard the door open while my head was in my hands, and I slowly raised my head, eyes looking forward the doorway. First I saw his feet, black dress shoes. Farther up, I saw a pair of blue slacks - strange, Fred never dressed up unless he had too, his hands were clenched in fists at his sides (oh, I guess he's probably emotional about this too). Farther up a white jacket was buttoned over his slim wait (slim waist? Well he obviously picked a younger Infinity age as he was never truly skinny the whole time I knew him), and then up to his face.... It was the face of a stranger.

"Fred?" I whispered, but it must have carried across the room to the man who had entered. He turned, and frowned. "No, I'm the steward, Madam, I've come to see if you want any refreshments served." I fell back against the back of the sofa the shock of it NOT being Fred hitting me hard.

"I'd like a glass of something to drink, lemonade perhaps?"

"Of course, Madam." He tilted his head, and a tray appeared on the coffee table in front of the sofa, a pitcher of lemonade with lots of ice, and two glasses. "Enjoy your drinks and reunion, Madam." He turned away, and went back out the door closing it behind him.

I reached out an unsteady hand, carefully poured a glass half full of lemonade and drank it slowly, trying to regain my composure. I didn't want Fred's first sight of me in over thirty years to be crying or upset. The lemonade was perfect, just the right amount of sweetness and tartness, just the way I always made it myself. OK, Jean, you need to relax, I told myself, breathing deeply. I have to calm down...

"JEAN!"

I jerked in surprise, sloshing my lemonade within the glass, and looked up to see Fred - just as I remembered him. His sandy blond hair ruffled as if he'd run his hand through it a dozen times, wearing a plaid button up shirt that strained a little against the buttons around the waist, blue jeans and sneakers.

I brought my second hand up to my glass, so I could set it down on the table without dropping it, as he moved quickly around the furniture between us. Before I could say a word, he took my hands, pulled me up to stand before him, and then he wrapped his arms around me in a huge bear hug. I knew immediately it was my Fred, just I remembered him, because no one gave a bear hug like Fred did. I brought my arms up to his sides, slid them around as far as I could and hugged him back tightly.

"Fred... Fred... Fred... it's really you, I'm really here with you again after so long." I was mumbling nonsense into his chest, my eyes overflowing with tears at how wonderful his arms felt around me, the warmth of his body against me, feeling his head resting on top of mine. I felt his body shaking, and realized he was crying too - something Fred NEVER did.

We just stood there holding each other crying for how long, I have no idea. Eventually he pulled back, brought his hands up to rest on my cheeks, and tilted my head back to look up into his warm hazel eyes. "Jean, my love, I have been waiting for so long to do this." and he bent down and kissed me.

The kiss probably went on as long as the hug did - I don't know because my knees became very wobbly at some point. Fred broke off the kiss, and then helped me sit back down on the sofa, and he sat down next to me, holding my two hands tightly in his. His large hands enveloped both of mine, and felt so warm. I flashed back to all the times he had warmed my hands in his when they got cold.

"Jean, there is so much I want to tell you, so much I want to share with you. We'll have all the time in the world to do it, and yet I want to do it all right now!" I could hear the excitement and joy in his voice at seeing me again, it was just like when he got a new piece of computer equipment to play with. Fred was such a child at heart sometimes.

"Fred, I'm so sorry." I spoke softly, my eyes fixed on his chest, unable to meet his eyes. Finally, after all this time, I would be able to say the one thing that I've needed to say for 32 years.

He started, "Sorry? Sorry for what, my love, you have nothing to be sorry for." His right hand began to stroke my hands as they rested in the palm of his left, comforting me.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there to try to save you when you died. You never had any chance because you were all alone when you collapsed. If I had been there, maybe you might have survived. I've been waiting so long to%u2026 to apologize to you for letting you down. To ask your forgiveness for not being there when you needed me the most."

Fred chuckled softly, and brought his hands back up to my cheeks. "Jean, my darling Jean, you are such a silly goose. Only you would save an apology for something you couldn't have prevented for over 30 years, and then remember to deliver it first thing upon seeing me. You haven't even told me you loved me yet."

"Oh Fred!", and I threw myself into his arms, "I do! I do love you so very much. I've never stopped loving you after all of these years. I never found someone else, because every time I tried to go on a date, every time I went out with someone, every man I compared to you and I found them lacking something I needed. So I waited and waited until we could be together again."

He wrapped his arms around me, and held me tightly as I sobbed into his shoulder, patting me on the back and stroking my hair. Eventually crying myself out, he pushed me back, and handed me a kleenex from a box sitting on the coffee table (a box which wasn't there before, I think). I wiped my eyes and blew my nose as he poured himself a glass of lemonade and drank from it.

He set the glass down, and then took my hands in his again.

"Jean, there wasn't anything you could have done to stop me from dying. It was my time to go, even though you and I both would have wished it was otherwise. When we're Called Home - we Come. I.... watched what you went through after I died, and I am so sorry you had to go through all of that pain and hardship because of me. I am the one who should apologize to you, because I broke my promise."

"Your promise?" I said, sniffling.

"Yes, I promised I would never leave you, and I broke that promise. Not intentionally of course, but still I left you alone to raise Michael by yourself, and take on all the responsibilities of the house. It was so much for you to do, and you did so well. I'm so very proud of how you did it. Michael is a wonderful young man, and he has a family of his own now. You kept your dreams alive, and found happiness in a world without me in it. You said you couldn't and yet you did."

"My new normal," I said softly. "That's what I called Life After Fred, it became my New Normal, because nothing would ever be normal again without you there."

"Well, I will forgive you for not saving me (which you couldn't have done anyway) if you will forgive me for breaking my promise (which I couldn't have prevented either). Is that a deal?"

I smiled up at Fred, and nodded. "Deal." I then leaned forward and kissed him again. Then I turned around on the sofa so I could lean back against his chest, and let him wrap his arms around me. How many times we had sat on a sofa in this position to watch a TV program or a DVD? For just a moment, it felt like we were back home again, before everything went so wrong. I closed my eyes, savoring the feeling of his arms, wrapped around me, hugging me to him, the warmth of his chest against my back, and feeling the weight of his head as he rested it on top of mine.

Home. Fred had become Home to me after we got married - and I had lost it so long ago. Now I was Home again, with him.

I could have stayed right there forever; the warmth of his chest against my back, and his arms wrapped around me felt so good. I had almost forgotten what a wonderful feeling being held by Fred gave me. I then felt him chuckle softly and he squeezed me slightly.

"I wish we could stay here for awhile too - but there will be plenty of time for that after your family gets a chance to see you. You want to see them too, right?"

I nodded - of course I wanted to see my parents, my grandparents, friends who were gone for so long. But I didn't want to leave the safety of Fred's arms. He chuckled again.

"Still afraid of people, aren't you? You haven't changed a bit."

I nodded at the first statement, but then shook my head at the second. "No, I had to change after you... left. I had to take care of Michael, and learn to take care of the household, and keep working and running my business. I had to do it all myself without your help. It was hard, and it changed me. It was so frustrating at first - it took me a couple of years to realize I couldn't do it all alone. I had to either give it up, or find help. So Michael helped some, and I cut back on other parts of my life. I kept the house as clean as I wanted, and made time for the things that were important to me." I tilted my head to look over my shoulder, and he smiled down at me. "But I'm still your Jean... and I've been waiting to see you again for so long. Were you really watching over me, did I really do OK? Are you really proud of me?" My desperation to know these things came through clearly in my voice.

He smiled, "Of course I am. How could I be anything else but proud after you suffered such a shock, such a loss, had your world torn out from under you, and had to start over again. You did a great job - just as I knew you would. I watched you from time to time, to make sure you were doing OK, and to see how Michael was doing. I love that boy so much..." He squeezed me again. "We'll have all the time we want to talk about these things - let's go be with your family."

He turned me around and we got up from the sofa, and he started towards the double doors I had come in. I trailed behind him slowly, and then stopped. "I'm supposed to call Marcus when I'm ready." He stopped and glanced back at me, "Well then why don't you do that so we'll know where the party is." OK, you can do this - just remember to whisper. "Marcus, we're ready to go now." I was scared - even though it was family - I never did well in large groups of people. Fred turned around and said, "Don't worry - I'll be right by your side the whole time, right where I belong.". I nodded, walked up to his side, and held his hand.

Marcus opened the double doors from the other side, nodded to Fred, and started leading us across the rotunda towards another set of double doors. I could hear the sound of many voices speaking behind the doors, and squeezed Fred's hand. "You can do this", he whispered, "I know you can." I nodded, and he let go of my hand long enough to open the doors, then took my hand in his again.

Behind the double doors was a large ballroom, with tables of food and drink lining the walls, and what seemed like hundreds of people milling around in the middle talking. As the people closest to the door noticed our presence, they stopped talking and began to applaud. This spread through the room, until everyone was looking our way, and applauding. Fred took his hand from mine, and put his arm around my shoulders. "Friends, Jean has come to Eternity to be with us. Help me make her feel welcome, but not too long - we have a lot of our own catching up to do." He waggled his eyebrows, and the people in the room laughed. Fred always knew how to work a crowd. Keeping his arm resting on my shoulders, we began to work our way through the crowd. First were my parents - who I recognized even though they looked like they were only in their 20's. They looked so relaxed, and so happy, yet I knew them instantly. We embraced, and they said, "We missed you - welcome Home." Then my grandparents, aunts, and uncles, some of whom I didn't recognize came forward to greet me. After my family were my friends - a smaller group as I had few very close friends, and only a few of them had passed away. Along with my friends were past co-workers and acquaintances - Gary and Craig and Linda and many more than I thought there would be.

We then made our way over to the tables - to find lots of pizza and pop and cookies and cakes. My eyes must have widened at the food, because Fred grinned and said, "I bet you haven't been able to eat like this in quite some time. Now that you're not sick any more, you can enjoy whatever you like. We prepared all of your favorites here for you.". I prepared a plate with pepperoni pizza, a glass of Pepsi, and some chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven. We continued to mingle and talk as we ate. I couldn't remember the last time I had been able to eat pizza. The special diets I had been on for so long were bland and safe, and low in carbs. This felt almost sinful..... I blinked, and dashed the thought away because I didn't want to miss out on the treat.

After awhile, the crowd began to thin as people left. Soon all of my close family said goodbye, knowing I wanted time alone with Fred. When we were alone in the room, he turned to me and said, "Would you like to come home with me now?"

"Home?" I questioned. "What is your home like here?"

"You'll see - finish up your food, and we'll go there."

"Is it very far? Will we take a car or walk? How does one travel in Eternity?" The questions tumbled out of my mouth, before I filled it with the last bite of my pizza.

"You'll see - now come on." I finished up my drink, set the dishes on a table, and we went out the main doors into the rotunda, and he turned towards the large main doors which had to be the main entrance. He paused, tilted his head, and I could almost feel him thinking. Then he grinned, and turned to me. "Home is just across the street."

He opened the doors, and I saw what looked to be a normal road in a normal street - and my house was sitting right across from us. I stared, shocked and unable to believe what I was seeing. "How.. how is it possible that our house is RIGHT across the street from this building?"

He laughed, "Well it isn't there ALL the time - only when I need it to be. Come on," and taking my hand, he led me across the street to the front door of our house. I turned around and looked behind me at the building we were leaving, and was shocked to see it that it was moving away from us at fast as we were walking away from it. "The building is MOVING!" I exclaimed.

"Yes, it's moving on to the next family's house now. In Eternity, Thought controls everything. When we were ready to leave, I thought the building across the street from our house, and now that we've left, the next person's thought is moving it to where it needs to go next."

He opened the door, and we walked into the living room. OUR living room - exactly as it was the day he died. The furniture was the same, the teddy bears sitting everywhere there was available space, our wedding plaque on the wall. "Oh Fred, its exactly like home - except perhaps a bit cleaner," giggling, I turned around and looked up at him. His face was suddenly very serious as he looked down at me. I frowned, "What's wrong?"

He shook his head, "Nothing is wrong, my love, in fact, everything is right again for the first time in many a year." He reached for me, and we hugged standing in the living room of our house. I pulled away, and went towards the sofa. Sitting, I said, "I want to know what happened to you that night, afterwards, how you got here, what you've done since.. you left. Everything, I have to know everything."

He walked over and sat next to me. "Well, Jean, that is a very long story, and you've had a very full day already. Don't you think you might want to explore the rest of the house, and then... rest for awhile." There was a significant pause while I pondered what he said - and what he wasn't saying - and then grinned. "You mean... you think I need a nap... and I bet you'd like to join me, am I right?" Tears welled up in my eyes which I quickly blinked away, and he nodded slowly. "I've missed holding you, talking to you so much - but most of all just BEING with you. I just want to lie in our bed and hold you in arms for awhile. Is that OK?" he asked tentatively.

I reached for his hand. "Silly old bear, it's MORE than OK! But, there are some things I just NEED to know, I can't wait. Can you answer just a couple of questions for me first?" "All right" he sat down next to me, put his arm around my shoulder and pulled me to his side so I could rest my head on his shoulder and he could hold me while we talked. "What do you need to know?"

"That night - the night that you died - what happened?"

"Well, you know I wasn't feeling very well, that headache was more intense than anything I had felt before, but I figured it would go away as they always did. I was sitting in my office, after you had gone upstairs, when a strange sensation started in my arm and my chest. It wasn't a pain so much, just pressure. But it was enough to get my attention and suspect this wasn't just a normal headache. I pushed the chair back and started to stand, when a flash of pain from my chest hit me - and I blacked out. The next thing I knew, I was standing in the doorway of my office, looking down at my body laying on the floor." He paused, and I could feel him remembering back to that day, and the horrible feeling it must have been for him to see himself die. He sighed, and then continued, "I stood there not quite understanding what I was seeing, until you ran through me." I jumped, and pulled back enough to look up at him. "You were still there, when I found you?" He nodded, and swallowed. "I watched you try to shake me awake, and then grab the phone and call 911. The person on the other end must have told you to roll me over, and you set down the phone and somehow managed to flip me onto my back. I think I was as shocked to see my face as you were, and that was when I realized that I must be dead. You tried to do CPR anyway, and then the doorbell rang. You ran through me again telling the person on the phone to send them to the side door, then the firemen came in and you left the room. I watched you call your folks, and Jimmy, and then sit down on the sofa and wait. I sat down with you and was right by your side when the fireman told you that I was gone. I couldn't believe you didn't start crying or going hysterical, I expected you to. Just as Michael and Jimmy came home, a voice spoke my name. I turned, and there was an Angel standing there, telling me it was time to go. I told him I couldn't go, because you needed me, and he shook his head and said you would be taken care of, but my time here had come to an end. He took my hand, and we started floating up through the ceiling, and then out of the house. I closed my eyes, and must have blacked out again. When I woke up, I was in the Processing Room, and I started my new life here." He stopped and just held me, as I started to cry, remembering my own painful memories of that night.

"But you came back to me," I whispered softly, and he jerked in surprise. I looked up at him and whispered again, "I don't know how you did it, or if you were supposed to do it, but you came back to me in my dreams. Didn't you?" He bit his lip and said, "It is possible to visit the dreams of those you left behind, but it is strongly discouraged here. It makes it harder for those who have died to accept their death, and harder for those left behind to accept their loss." I swallowed, and repeated "But you came back to me". He nodded slowly, "You remember that then."

"Oh yes. Sleep was so hard to get after that night. I know I didn't close my eyes that first night at all - I couldn't, I just kept repeating what happened over and over in my mind, trying to figure out what I had done wrong. Then it was morning, and I had to call work, and the doctor's office, and prepare for going to the funeral home to make the arrangements. The first time, it was a couple of months after the funeral, I was dreaming and I met you over in the park by my parent's house. We met at the swings, and started walking along the various paths. You asked me how I was doing, what I was up to, and I told you all about Michael starting high school, and changes at work, and my business, and basically everything I could think of that had happened since you left. Eventually, we sat down on a bench along the path and held hands while we watched the sunset. Then you told me 'It's time we went home.' and I told you you couldn't go home with me, because you had died. You smiled and said you knew that - I'll go to my home, and you'll go to yours, and I shouldn't ever forget that I'm never alone, you'll still with me in my heart and my memories. I got up and started walking back down the path, towards home, turned around and watched you fade away from the bench." Fred nodded, yes, that was the first time I visited you, I just had to know how you were doing, and make sure you knew that you were going to make it through this.

"But I didn't get it yet, so you came back on Valentine's day, didn't you?" He nodded, and I continued, "I remember dreaming about being in my sewing room, working on a project, when you came to the doorway and asked if I wanted my present now. I jumped up and followed you in the bedroom, and there was a large blue teddy bear there in a blue cheerleader's uniform that said "You Can Do It!" on the front. I scolded you because you should have known that I would want a Red One for Valentine's Day, but I picked it up and hugged it anyway. When I turned around to thank you, you had disappeared, and all I heard was your voice saying, "Don't forget, You Can Do It!" When I woke up, I was hugging that Care Bear that I had bought for myself. I nicknamed him "You Can Do It Bear" that night, and always talked to him and held him those nights when I most despaired of every making it without you." He nodded, "Yes, that was the other time. Every other time that I visited you, I kept away from your dreams and just watched, so I wouldn't interfere any more than I already had."

"Were you at Michael's graduation? At his wedding? When the kids were born?" I asked, thinking of the high points in Michael's life that he had missed, and he chuckled, "Yes, I was there for all of those events, and couldn't be any prouder of him than if he was my own son. He's made his dreams come true, and you did a wonderful job in helping him to reach for those dreams." I sighed, contented and happy to know that while I had thought him gone from our lives, he had still been there, watching over us, as best he could. Then I yawned, and he laughed, "See I knew you'd be getting sleepy again after all the excitement and that food. Are you ready for your nap now?"

I got up and pulled him down the hallway towards where I knew the bedroom to be. Turning on the light, I saw the bed was made up in the warm flannel sheets with bears on them that he had found for our room to make for a cozy sleep during the winter, and the bed was already turned down and awaiting us.

I stopped, closed my eyes, and thought about my favorite nightgown, the one that he had loved best, and that I had taken such care to save for so many years so I could wear it when I got lonely for him. When I opened my eyes and looked down, I was wearing it. Grinning, I spun around, "Remember this?" and stopped to see him staring at me, I could feel him devouring me with his eyes. I stopped, and he whispered, "Oh Jean, I missed you so..." Then he reached for me, and together we tumbled onto the bed, crawled under the covers, and cuddled up together.

I expected we would kiss and snuggle and make love as we used to do, after more than 30 years without having sex I hope I remembered how we made it work! However, I found once I was in bed, snuggled up against the warmth of his body, a wave of exhaustion came over me, like I had been running and running and couldn't run anymore. "Sleep now, my love, I'll be right here when you wake up," Fred whispered into my ear, and with his arms wrapped around me I felt into a deep, relaxing sleep. As I faded away the first voice said, "Wow, sleeping without a pills to make it happen, when was the last time we could enjoy that." The second voice just signed, "Fred%u2026 our Fred%u2026 we're home, right where we belong. There's no place like home." Then I knew no more.

I slowly emerged from my sleep, my arms wrapped around Cocoa, my teddy bear. Immediately, I realized how cold and empty the bed felt. I sat up in a rush, and looked out the bedroom window at the sunshine shining down on the lawn, the shed that Fred and I had built to house the gardening equipment, and the lilac bushes that formed a hedge at the back of the yard.

I slowly turned to my right, looking down at the bed. It was empty except for the pile of teddy bears and stuffed animals that kept me company at night. Just as it had been for the past year since Fred had died. It had been just another dream.

I laid back down on my pillow, cuddled Cocoa close to my chest and felt the tears start to run down my cheeks. It had seemed so real - felt so real - with my eyes closed I could still feel his warm arms around me, his breath tickling my ear as he whispered softly to me. It was as real a dream as I had ever experienced, and I knew with absolutely certainty that it must be another Visit dream. The two dreams I had told Fred about in my dream had actually happened, and both times I felt certain that it was not just a dream, but Fred visiting me, checking up on me. This had to have been Fred again, somehow. It was too real and too intense not to be something special. I needed to write down what happened in my book, just as I did the others so I didn't forget the slightest detail. These dreams along with the pictures and memories and CDs were what sustained me every day that I lived without Fred's support at my side. Even if I was just dreaming it, making it up myself from my wishful thinking, it still felt like a new experience shared with Fred, and I cherished each and everyone one as if they were actual memories, and not dreams.

I opened my eyes and stared up at the ceiling, mentally pushing my anguish and loneliness back into the darkest recesses of my soul so I could find the strength to get up out of bed, get dressed and face another day without Fred. I swung my legs over the bed, and looked at the closet door, and froze. How could I do it? How could I find the strength to get through yet another day on my own? I glanced back at the bed, and sitting there next to my pillow was the large Bedtime Bear I had purchased for myself for Valentine's Day. I slowly reached for him, set him on my lap, and wrapped my arms around him, rocking slightly, muttering under my breath, "You Can Do It. You Can Do It. Fred believes in you and this bear knows that You Can Do It."

I took a deep breath, and then from the dream came Fred's voice saying, "Sleep now, my love, I'll be right here when you wake up." The phrase repeated itself a couple of times in my mind. I looked up at the ceiling, and smiled, the double meaning of his words sinking in.

"Yes, you'll be there when it's my time to Awaken, won't you silly old bear?" I softly whispered, and then got up to start my day.

THE END
(c) 2007