Speak in a language your mate understands
Frustrated because you don't feel loved? Feeling unappreciated no matter what you do for your spouse? Ready to give up on a mate who doesn't talk any more? Then this lens is for you!
In The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman gives practical guidelines to help you discover your own love language as well as your mates and suggestions on how to express love in any language.
This is not just a book for marriage. Any relationship will be improved if you find the other person's love language and make an effor to speak it.
What is this all about?
Trust me. The information you find in this lens and in the book could change your marriage and love relationships forever!
The premise of The Five Love Languages is that each one of us, no matter our background or current station in life, has a love language that must be spoken in order for us to feel loved. No matter how much we give or get from someone in our life, if it is not done in the language of the person receiving it, that person will not feel loved no matter how much time and energy is spent in giving.
For example, perhaps your primary love language is words of affirmation. You feel most loved when someone, no matter who it is, tells you that you have done a good job or your hair looks nice or you made a good choice of college or school or spouse. You could care less about getting gifts when you've done a good job; a good compliment is all that's required. Your motto is that of Mark Twain, "I can live for two months on a good compliment."
Words of affirmation is just one of the five love languages. The others are quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch.
Perhaps you already know your love language or can pick it out from the list below, but do you also know your spouse's love language or can pick it out from the list below?
If not, these questions will help. Ask them of yourself, then ask them of your spouse. The love language to watch for is in parentheses following the question.
We will look at each of these love languages more intently over the next few posts and suggestions will be made of how to get your needs met and fulfill another's needs in their own language.
You will be pleasantly surprised at what a difference this will make in your marriage and in other loving relationships with family and friends.
For example, perhaps your primary love language is words of affirmation. You feel most loved when someone, no matter who it is, tells you that you have done a good job or your hair looks nice or you made a good choice of college or school or spouse. You could care less about getting gifts when you've done a good job; a good compliment is all that's required. Your motto is that of Mark Twain, "I can live for two months on a good compliment."
Words of affirmation is just one of the five love languages. The others are quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, physical touch.
Perhaps you already know your love language or can pick it out from the list below, but do you also know your spouse's love language or can pick it out from the list below?
If not, these questions will help. Ask them of yourself, then ask them of your spouse. The love language to watch for is in parentheses following the question.
We will look at each of these love languages more intently over the next few posts and suggestions will be made of how to get your needs met and fulfill another's needs in their own language.
You will be pleasantly surprised at what a difference this will make in your marriage and in other loving relationships with family and friends.
Wow, this turned out to be quite long!
How to use this lens
This lens looks nearly as long as the book! But don't move on to the next lens just because of that. I am convinced this information will impact every loving relationship you have.
If time is of the essence, take the short quiz to determine your love language and your mate's love language, then skip to the sections that apply.
You can come back later to learn more about the other love languages.
If time is of the essence, take the short quiz to determine your love language and your mate's love language, then skip to the sections that apply.
You can come back later to learn more about the other love languages.
What's your love language? What's your mate's love language?
Don't just guess, take this short quiz and know for sure!
Perhaps you already know or think you already know. Look at this list and choose one, or at most two, scenarios that desribe you best, then ask your mate to choose one or two.
You just might be surprised!
You just might be surprised!
- Do you feel most loved when someone expresses appreciation for you or for what you have done, no matter how simple the act? (words of affirmation)
- Do you feel most loved when you are given attention and feel that someone wants to spend time with you? (quality time)
- Do you feel most loved when someone brings you gifts or some tangible item, no matter how small or inexpensive? (gifts)
- Do you feel most loved when someone does things for you, taking out the garbage, washing clothes, running errands, etc.? (acts of service)
- Do you feel most loved when you are receiving physical touch? (surprise! pysical touch)
Note: Be careful here not to confuse physical touch with sex. Think of nonsexual touch, holding hands, sitting close when watching a movie, getting a neck and shoulder rub. Sexual fulfillment is not the same as physical touch as a primary love language.
Quick Links
Buy the book
This lens will give you an overview of the languages and how to implement them, but the book will give you more detail and encouragement to continue to learn and speak the language of the people you love.
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Amazon Price: $10.19 (as of 12/22/2009) 
The Five Love Languages: Men's Edition: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Amazon Price: $18.47 (as of 12/22/2009)
Now You're Speaking My Language: Honest Communication and Deeper Intimacy for a Stronger Marriage
Amazon Price: $9.35 (as of 12/22/2009)
Your Gift of Love: Selections from the Five Love Languages
Amazon Price: (as of 12/22/2009)
Love Talks for Couples (Lovetalks Flip Books)
Amazon Price: $10.39 (as of 12/22/2009)
Words of affirmation
Your motto is the same as Mark Twain's: I could live for two weeks on a good compliment!
While all of us like to hear good things about ourselves, people whose primary love language is words of affirmation "need" to hear good things about themselves and what they have done. It is not an ego-building exercise; rather, it is the affirmation of who that person is and what he/she has done that makes him/her feel most loved.As my husband and I started to get to know each other before we were married, I noticed that he would often ask me how I liked something he had made or whether I thought the comment he made in class was good. If he didn't ask me my opinion, he would often say himself, "This cornbread [I made] is really good" or "I think what I said really made a difference to the discussion."
It took me a while to figure out that he wasn't fishing for compliments; he needed to hear that he had done well with his efforts. For my husband to feel loved, he needs to hear words of affirmation.
A form of this is my primary love language, but not the "classic" language of words of affirmation. Instead of being told that my cookies are good, because I already know if they are or aren't, I need to hear that the decision to make the cookies was good, or the choice to use margarine instead of butter was a good choice. You see, my particular form of words of affirmation lies more in validation than just in a job well done, but there's probably more psychology to that than we can go into here.
For most of us, this expression of love is probably the easiest need to fill. We are used to giving compliments on occasion, which means you might have to step up your effors if someone you love, a spouse, a child, a parent, or a friend, needs to hear words of affirmation, but it should't be a completely foreign language to you.
Below are some ideas for expressing words of affirmation, but first a caution:
Do not couch your words of affirmation in tones of sarcasm or compliment someone on something that is completely not true.
For example, saying, "Honey, that liver was wonderful," when you actually hated it will not get the desired result. Instead of feeling loved, the person hearing your remark will either be hurt by your lack of sincerity or you will end up eating liver every week for the rest of your life!
If you truly want to convey your love for someone with words of affirmation, you must be honest and you must find something each and every day, if not many times a day, that should be affirmed.
Expressing words of affirmation
If you are having trouble coming up with something to compliment, start a list.
Take a day or two to write down what you admire in the other person then tell them or write them a day or two at a time. After a while you will notice that the words come more easily and they will be appreciated more and more with each passing day.
Here are some ideas to get you started
Take a day or two to write down what you admire in the other person then tell them or write them a day or two at a time. After a while you will notice that the words come more easily and they will be appreciated more and more with each passing day.
Here are some ideas to get you started
- Honey, I am so proud of the way you put in 9 hours a day at work and never complain
- Sweetheart, I appreciate that my clothes are always washed and folded before I need to wear them
- I love hearing you play the piano. You have worked very hard and shown me what it means to be diligent in practicing
- You know, I am learning more and more each day that I need to ask you to help me put things in perspective
- This Chicken Parmesan is fantastic! (but only if it really is ;-)
Quick Links
Quality time - in the dialet of conversation
About 20 years ago, quality time was the new buzz word. As families are busier and busier, quality time is needed more than ever.
About 20 years ago, quality time was the new buzz word. As more and more moms entered the work force and dads were busy making as much money as they could, everybody was talking about "quality time" in essence as a substitute for "quantity time." By that I mean that if moms, dads, and kids, or any combination thereof, couldn't spend as much time together, whatever time they had together was supposed to be used to its fullest, thus making it quality time.While there is a bit of that included in quality time for couples, there really is no substitute for spending time, in terms of length of time, together, thus marrying quality and quantity.
Quality time includes, but is not limited to, spending time together, giving one another complete, undivided attention. While you do not have to sit side-by-side on the couch, gazing into each other's eyes as you talk, it's not a bad idea every now and then.
In order to spend quality time together, get rid of distractions such as the TV, the computer, the phone, the kids, etc. Look at each other when you talk and really "be" with that person.
Quality time also includes quality conversation, consisting of both talking and listening. While it is easier for some people to talk than to listen and vice versa, it is imperative that each of you do both.
It can also be a problem if both of you like to talk. Often in these relationships a lot of interrupting goes on and neither of you feel like you have had a chance to talk. At a marriage conference we went to recently, we were given a card to be folded in half like a tent. One side says, "I'm talking," the other side says, "I'm listening." When the person talking has the "I'm talking" side in front of him or her, the person listening has the "I'm listening" side in front of her or him. When your turn to talk or listen comes, that side of the card should be in front of you.
For those couples who have a hard to listening without interrupting, this could be a good reminder of what your role is at the moment. If you use this tool, however, don't abuse it. Don't keep the "I'm talking" side too long. Give your partner a chance to talk as well, and use all the listening tools at your disposal.
Conversation starters for those who need help
If you are not in the habit of talking much or of getting someone else to talk, here are some conversation starters to get the ball rolling.
Don't worry, after a while you can take off the training wheels and come up with conversation starters of your own.
One word of caution: unless you need to work out a known problem, stay away from hot-button topics. If you have nagged your husband in the past about his choice of career, don't bring up the subject again in an attempt to nag him again. Or if she will be hurt if you don't choose her as the person you would most like to spend the afternoon with, don't use that question as a topic of conversation. Use these suggestions and this exercise to get the conversation rolling, get to know each other, and enjoy your time together.
Don't worry, after a while you can take off the training wheels and come up with conversation starters of your own.
One word of caution: unless you need to work out a known problem, stay away from hot-button topics. If you have nagged your husband in the past about his choice of career, don't bring up the subject again in an attempt to nag him again. Or if she will be hurt if you don't choose her as the person you would most like to spend the afternoon with, don't use that question as a topic of conversation. Use these suggestions and this exercise to get the conversation rolling, get to know each other, and enjoy your time together.
- What would you do with $1 million dollars?
- What would you talk about if you got a phone call from Michael Jordan?
- What person in history would you most like to spend an afternoon with (besides me)?
- If you could do it all over again, would you choose the same major in college, the same profession, the same city to live in, etc.?
- What do you see us doing together when the kids leave home?
Quality time - in the dialect of spending time together
Quality conversation is one dialet of quality time; spending time together is another
Another part of quality time is taking part in activities together. The activities can range from watching a movie that you both want to see to taking a walk in the woods to taking dancing lessons. Whatever activity you choose, follow the steps above: give your undivided attention to your spouse and engage in quality conversation about what you are doing or any other subject that needs discussed.Chances are good your spouse has already expressed interest in doing things together. Think back over the requests your spouse has made and make a list. Perhaps she has suggested taking walks together or spending a weekend away without the kids or he has suggested going skiing or attending a concert. Think about those suggestions and make plans to spend some time together in an activity your spouse enjoys.
If you just don't enjoy doing the activity suggested by your spouse, give it a try at least once before determining not to do it. If that activity isn't to your liking, keep suggesting activities until you agree on at least 5 things to do together. When you've done those 5 activities, work on another 5 and so on.
Quality time will involve making a sacrifice. You still only have 24 hours in day. In order to devote more time to your spouse, you will have to give up something that you spend time doing now. On the other hand, quality time doesn't mean that you have to spend every minute of every day together. Start with 30 minutes a week and increase the time from there.
Chances are good that you devote a lot more than 30 minutes a week to activities you enjoy. Doesn't it make sense to give at least that much time to improve your marriage?
Ideas for spending time together
- Take a walk around the neighborhood to look at the flowers as they start to bloom
- Plan your flower garden using some of the ideas your neighbors have used
- Watch the sun go up or go down together
- Create a new holiday just for the two of you
- Take 15 minutes out of your day to call your mate just to talk
- Plan a getaway without the kids
- Take a class together
- Buy a joke book and read aloud to one another
- Find a book you both want to read and read it aloud to each other
- Go out for coffee on Saturday morning
- Serve your spouse breakfast in bed - even when he or she isn't sick
A Last-Minute Getaway Just for the Two of You
The Ultimate in Time Together
Quick Links
The language of gifts
It's not just about having stuff
A person whose love language is receiving gifts generally does not need the gifts to be large, she or he just needs to receive gifts on a regular basis as a sign of your love.On the flip side, if someone is unhappy with every gift you have ever given, no matter what you give, large, small, expensive, or cheap, this person's love language is probably NOT gifts and you need to find what his or her love language is.
For you see, someone whose love language is gifts will be just as thrilled with a single rose as with a bouquet of two dozen roses from the finest shop in town.
In the larger scheme of life, gifts carry with them a lot more weight than just the gift itself. The appropriateness of a gift is based on many factors: our relationship to the person, the occasion for the gift, how long we have known the person, our income, the other person's needs, and sometimes what we have given to others in a similar circumstance.
Gifts imply some intimate knowledge of the person. Sure, we've all been to gift exchanges where you bring something appropriate for a man or woman of a certain age, but how many of those carry long-lasting sentimental feelings? Um, probably none.
But if you want to give a gift to someone you love, some thought must go into giving the gift.
What is her favorite color? What brand of fishing lures does he like best? What does the person want? What does the person need? What can we afford and still keep our budget on track?
Gifts are also a way to say "I was thinking of you today." "I saw this and it reminded me of how precious you are to me." "The minute I saw this, I knew you would love it." Everybody likes to know they were thought of by someone they love. Spontaneous gifts on a rainy Tuesday do wonders for your mate's love quotient.
Often if you keep your ears open as you spend time with your mate, you will hear what he or she wants. When you hear these comments, make a mental note or write it down.
Caution: Men and women differ in how they view the gift of tools. Most women, not all, will not be thrilled with a new vacuum cleaner for your anniversary, no matter how many times she has mentioned needing a sweeper; most men, however, will be thrilled with a new power sander or table saw or some other tool they can put to use in whatever endeavor they may pursue. Unless the vacuum cleaner has a diamoned necklace attached to it, do not give a vacuum cleaner or any other appliance for a major gift-giving event.
Gift-giving advice to get you started
Gift giving can be a lot of fun. It can be just as much fun for the person giving the gift as for the one receiving it. As you grow in listening to what he or she wants, watching the types of things he buys for himself, and being creative in how you give the gift, you will find that you can hardly wait to give the next gift and feel and see the excitement of your husband or wife.
- Serve her breakfast in bed (gifts don't always have to be things; doing something special is also a gift)
- Leave a new package of golf balls in his car
- Buy a book he's been interested in reading
- Buy a box of Valentine cards and mail one a day to your spouse for a week
- Dedicate a song to your mate on the radio station she or he listens to
- Leave clues for a treasure hunt. Be your own "delivery boy." Ring the doorbell and give her a big kiss for all the neigbors to see
Save an Extra 20% on all jewelry
Show her your love with sparkling jewels she won't be able to resist
Quick Links
Acts of service - doing things for each other
Along with gifts, this is a very easy language to learn. The key, however, is discovering which acts of service carry the most weight. A person whose primary love language is acts of service does not expect someone else to do everything for him or her, but feels most loved when certain chores or tasks are taken care of as an act of love.Again, listen to what your mate says. Does she often ask for the trash to be taken out or the floor swept? Does he notice when you pick up his socks or wash his clothes? Does she notice when you wash the car or cook her favorite meal?
On the other hand, does she complain that you never cook or help around the house? Does he complain when the car needs washed or you ask him to run errands?
If any of these scenarios sound familiar, ask your mate to make a list of 5 things that he or she would like to have done. These should be specific and include a time of completion for the task.
Keep in mind that some expectations of who should do what are rooted in societal expectations and/or parental roles. If your wife's father does a good deal of the cooking, your wife might see that her father shows love to her mom by cooking. Therefore, your wife might be thinking, "if you love me like my dad loves my mom, you will cook every now and then; if you don't cook, you don't love me."
Or, if your husband's mother absolutely loves working in the yard while your father-in-law watches the big game, chances are your husband will feel that, "if you really love me, you won't ask me to work in the yard on Sunday when baseball is on."
For these reasons, it is important to be specific in your request and, when possible, let your spouse do the chore or task within a reasonable amount of time unless you specify exactly when the task needs to be done.
If the neighborhood party is at your house on Saturday, don't wait until Friday to ask that your husband weed the flower beds and mow the grass. On the other hand, don't assume that your husband knows two weeks ahead that the chore needs to be done unless you tell him. Be specific and be realistic.
Additionally, be ready to look on your mate's first attempts at acts of service with grace. If something gets broken or lost in the process, extend as much grace as possible and offer your services to get things back on track.
Your attitude of grace and appreciation will go a long way in encouraging your spouse to continue to work through the list you have made.
Acts of service
Coming up with a list for acts of service shouldn't be hard, but here are some ideas of specific tasks with specific time frames or schedules.
- Wash the car once a week
- Help with the dishes three times a week
- Go to the grocery store while I prepare for the dinner party on Saturday
- Fix the lawnmower before the lawn needs mowed next Tuesday
- Work with me to plant flowers in the flower bed Sunday afternoon
- Clean the bathroom before the weekend is over
Quick Links
Physical touch - not just the obvious
Physical touch runs the gamut from the slightest touch as you pass each other to the most passionate kiss of your life to, well, you know.But be aware, the love language of physical touch is not just sex. While sex is a wonderful, natural part of any loving marriage, probe deeper to ask, "If I were deprived of any of the other love languages but had a satisfying sex life, would I still feel loved?"
For example, if your spouse never or rarely gave you compliments (words of affirmation) or spent time with you (quality time) or let you know he or she thought of you by bringing home gifts (receiving gifts) or did things for you (acts of service) but you received all the physical affection you ever wanted, would you still feel loved?
For some people, the answer is still "yes." Physical touch of any kind, whether it leads to intercourse or not, is what makes this person feel loved.
Keep in mind that just because you enjoy certain touch doesn't mean your spouse will as well. If your wife does not enjoy being tickled, it is a sign of disrespect to her to continue to tickle her when you know she doesn't like it. If your husband doesn't like you to pinch his "love handles," it is a sign of disrespect to him to continue to do so.
Physical touch, like all love languages, must be spoken in a way that brings honor to your mate and to your relationship.
- Hold hands as you walk
- Sit close together in the car
- Rub his neck as he works on the computer
- Sit on the same side of the booth even if no one else is joining you for dinner
- Put some music on and dance slowly around the living room
- Kiss him goodbye in the morning and hello when he comes home
- Rub her feet
- Hold hands when you pray
- Sit on opposite ends of the couch with your legs outstretched and touching as you read
- Help her with her coat and kiss her neck as she slides her arms into the sleeves
- Touch the back of his hand as you share a cup of coffee and conversation
Like anything else in life, the more you do it, the more it becomes a habit. Look for new ways to touch your mate in ways that bring him or her pleasure and feelings of being loved.
Make touch an active part of your marriage. Even the slightest touch will speak volumes to a spouse whose primary love language is physical touch, and the lightest touch at an unexpected moment could ignite a flame that leads to a passionate fire.
Physical touch for those who need a primer
Even the slightest touch will speak volumes to a spouse whose primary love language is physical touch.
Here are some ideas of ways you might show love through physical touch (again, keep in mind that you must not continue with a certain touch if your mate objects because he or she is not comfortable or does not enjoy it).
- Hold hands as you walk
- Sit close together in the car
- Rub his neck as he works on the computer
- Sit on the same side of the booth even if no one else is joining you for dinner
- Put some music on and dance slowly around the living room
- Kiss him goodbye in the morning and hello when he comes home
- Hold hands when you pray together
More books by Dr. Gary Chapman
The Five Languages of Apology: How to Experience Healing in All Your Relationships
Amazon Price: $16.21 (as of 12/22/2009)
Covenant Marriage: Building Communication & Intimacy
Amazon Price: $13.59 (as of 12/22/2009)
The Four Seasons of Marriage
Amazon Price: $13.49 (as of 12/22/2009)
Hope For the Separated: Wounded Marriages Can Be Healed (Chapman, Gary)
Amazon Price: $10.07 (as of 12/22/2009)
The Five Love Languages for Singles (Chapman, Gary)
Amazon Price: (as of 12/22/2009)
More books on improving your relationships
Cracking the Communication Code: The Secret to Speaking Your Mate's Language
Amazon Price: (as of 12/22/2009)
Love Talk: Speak Each Other's Language Like You Never Have Before
Amazon Price: $13.59 (as of 12/22/2009)
Love Talk Workbook for Women: Speak Each Other's Language Like You Never Have Before
Amazon Price: $7.99 (as of 12/22/2009)
Love Talk Workbook for Men: Speak Each Other's Language Like You Never Have Before
Amazon Price: $7.99 (as of 12/22/2009)
Books by Dr. Phil and Dr. Laura
Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step Strategy for Reconnecting with Your Partner
Amazon Price: $22.95 (as of 12/22/2009)
Relationship Rescue Workbook, The: Exercises and Self-Tests to Help You Reconnect with Your Partner
Amazon Price: $12.79 (as of 12/22/2009)
Ten Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships
Amazon Price: $10.07 (as of 12/22/2009)
The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage CD: Preface and Introduction read by Dr. Laura Schlessinger
Amazon Price: $26.56 (as of 12/22/2009)
Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands CD
Amazon Price: (as of 12/22/2009)
Movies, mp3's, videos, and more
Don't miss out on improving your relationships just because you don't have time to read.
Listen and watch at these great resource sites
Listen and watch at these great resource sites
- Love and Respect Conference
- mp3 clips from the Love and Respect Conference (Dr. Emerson Eggerich)
- Love and Respect Conference
- Video clips of Love and Respect Conference and weekly movies
More online information to improve your relationships
- The Five Love Languages - Dr. Gary Chapman
- The official web site of The Five Love Languages.
- Love and Respect web site - Dr. Emerson Eggerich
- Dr. Emerson Eggerich is another noted speaker and write on how to improve relationships.
- Dr Phil offers relationship advice
- Everybody knows Dr. Phil, don't they? Lots of advice here with a no-nonsense appeal.
Are you as excited about learning a new language as I am?
Leave a note to let me know what you learned.
submit
-
Reply
- Megamorphosis Megamorphosis Aug 4, 2009 @ 7:09 am
- A stellar lense - love your work x
-
Reply
- CounselMom CounselMom Sep 11, 2008 @ 4:01 pm
- This is a great book! Great reading for couples and can be applied to children as well. 5*
-
Reply
- LaraineRose LaraineRose Mar 5, 2008 @ 1:34 am
- I read and enjoyed your lens. In fact I read and enjoyed all of your lenses. Thank you for visiting my Staycation lens. I am continuing to write ... I'm addicted! Drop by any time .. I'll be back to see you.
-
Reply
- clouda9 clouda9 Mar 2, 2008 @ 10:14 pm
- My heart is on fire...newly ignited by your lens and obvious passion for this book. Thank you!
-
Reply
- FloralPatch FloralPatch Mar 1, 2008 @ 1:48 pm
- I have The Five Love Languages somewhere. I need to find it and re-read it. Great stuff.
Same Day Flower Delivery
- Load More
Women Only - What is your primary love language
Acts of service
I feel most loved when someone does things for me, more...2 points
Words of affirmation
I feel most loved when someone expresses appreciat more...1 point
Physical touch
I feel most loved when I am receiving physical tou more...1 point
Receiving gifts
I feel most loved when someone brings me gifts or more...0 points
Men Only - What is your primary love language?
Words of affirmation
I feel most loved when someone expresses appreciat more...0 points
Receiving gifts
I feel most loved when someone brings me gifts or more...0 points
Acts of service
I feel most loved when someone does things for me, more...0 points
Physical touch
I feel most loved when I am receiving physical tou more...0 points
by CJPate
I am a firm believer in The Five Love Languages. This book will forever change the way you relate with your mate as well as everyone else in you...
(more)Explore related pages
Reflective Listening Skills- Reflective Listening Skills are extremely important. In general, most people tal...
How to Deal with a High-Maintenance Husband- It's tough being married to someone who requires more attention and more hand-ho...
Happy Marrriage And Dealing With Marriage Problems- Having reach the grand age of 50, of which 27 years have been happily married to...
all things parenting in 3 easy steps- Every parenting challenge you can imagine, all in one spot--with 3 easy steps to...
Conflict Resolutions: Make Conflicts Transformational Positive Experiences- Conflict Resolution:Make Conflicts Transformational Positive Experiences Do you...
Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman- The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman: Book Review and Comments How...
