Caring for the Elderly from their point of view

Imagine yourself in this situation. You are alone, 82 years old living in a big house with a flight of stairs. You get along ok but then one day you take a spill down three steps and fracture your arm. Doc says he needs you to consider a nursing facility because you're no longer able to care for yourself. So after talking to your two living children, you decide to sell your house and move into a well recommended nursing facility.


Now you are at the mercy of others. The CNA's come wake you up every morning, help you get dressed because you have a fractured arm and can't dress yourself. You aren't hungry but are led to the dining room anyway. After breakfast, it's back to your room pondering what to do next. You're a little tired, but after a nice nap, someone comes and guides you to the dining room where the activity of the day is held. Boring, but you put up with it because it's better than being alone in a strange room that you haven't even been able to get used to yet. The rest of the day is about the same, back up to lunch, to your room, another nap and then ready for supper. Eat and sleep, eat and sleep.
Not a very promising outlook and slowly depression sets in. After a few months, the spirit is broken and you just don't care anymore. But you know you can't be alone and reluctantly accepts this new home.
If you were in this situation, how would you feel? What would you do? Now let me tell you about some of my dear friends. The names of these people have been changed out of respect for their privacy.

Sarah is a friendly, outgoing woman of 82. Her husband passed away and she lived alone for quite a few years until one day at work she fell. Realizing that she couldn't be alone any longer, Sarah decided she was going to an Assisted Living facility. She loves it! She is grateful to wake up in the morning, has such a cheery attitude that everyone she is in contact with is affected by her and she makes the most of her day by volunteering her time to keep other lonely residents company. She's a gem and she knows it and loves being the best elderly resident she can be. She says that she is going to live until she dies and everyone should take that attitude.


Bill and Ann live together in a nursing home. Their kids just couldn't take care of their parents any longer. Both were diagnosed with Alzheimers and forget minute by minute where they are and what they are doing. There are moments when Bill seems normal and wishes he would be working again and not just "hanging out" in a strange place. He wants to be able to do for himself and gets frustrated when he can't. It is a tough life for him.

Men are especially frustrated and angry when they have to depend on someone to take care of them. Several men in my care strike out by refusing medication, refusing to wash and keep clean and won't get involved in any activities. They want you to know they can't help it, after so many years of being the breadwinner, being productive members of society and having people depend on them, it is hard to change roles at this stage of their life. They want you to know that if you come to visit them and they are a little cranky, don't take it personal because they just have a hard time accepting this role reversal.


Most of these folks are from a different generation than we know. They have dignity, pride, learned to survive not by having others do for them, but by digging in their heels and working hard. They just need a little understanding.


My friend, Ruth as I will call her, had a stroke and is unable to walk. She needs a total lift to get from her Broda chair to her bed. She needs help eating sometimes when her one good arm is weak. Ruth knows she can't do for herself. What she hates the most is when she has to go to the bathroom and she can't wait for a nurse's aide. Then she has an accident and is so embarrassed. She knows what she did and she doesn't like it any better than the aides but she just can't help it. Her body won't let her get to the bathroom. She wants you to know she's sorry for being a burden. She wishes she could walk but she can't.

I've just shared with you a few thoughts from friends of mine in long term care facilities. My hope is that you can get a picture of what these residents have to face day by day. Some want to be there and some don't, but they want you to know that before they become a burden on their own children, they would rather be there and have a stranger take care of them.


My elder friend Kelly, was falling quite often. She also lived in a big house alone. When the doctor advised her to do something, she didn't want to burden her son and his wife and kids so she put herself in a home. Now she wishes she could get out. She doesn't like the limited freedom and would just like others to know that even though the elderly need some help, they are not all crippled and can think for themselves, so please don't treat them like children.

I hope you got a glimpse into the minds and thoughts of my friends. They have dignity and pride and even though sometimes they can't tell you that or they get so depressed they just stop communicating, just remember they want you to know they are ok and don't make a big fuss over them. Love, respect and dignity is all they ask for.

As long as I can, I will be their voice.