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From the lens Poem for My Troubled Adopted Daughter as She Turned 18.

Please share your thoughts. Maybe you've been adopted. Maybe you are an adoptive parent. Maybe you are thinking about adopting a child. Do you know someone who had a tough adjustment, as parent or child in an adoptive family? Do you have any advice for parents thinking of adopting? We'd love to hear from you.

  • Gloriousconfusion May 13, 2012 @ 9:31 am | delete
    Beautifully written and very insightful. Angel blessings for a lovely and very moving poem
  • Frischy Jan 16, 2012 @ 6:25 am | delete
    This poem resonated so much with me. Change a few of the words and I could have written it to my own adult daughter, adopted at just a few weeks shy of age 8. Like you, we entered this adoption expecting a hurt and needy child to respond to love, only to hit a brick wall. What can you do when after many years your love just bounces off and never seems to hit its mark? What can you do when you do all that you can think of to bring joy, delight, pleasure to the child and nothing succeeds? When you do this dance for years and years until the point when your child, now a teenager, looks at you with derision for continuing the dance? How do you let go when your child leaves for good, when you run after her and she slams the door in your face? You let her go, but your heart won't let go, can't let go. So you are then alone with your memories and all of the "what ifs" that keep you awake in the night.

    Thank you for opening up this difficult topic that no one understands who has not lived through it. It is bound to help some other mothers who are on this lonely and heartbreaking journey. Hugs to you, brave mother!
  • MomwithAHook Jul 24, 2011 @ 10:49 pm | delete
    thanks for sharing your heart - parenting is hard enough with birth children - when they are not yours by birth it truly is a guessing game even for the child as he/she tests the ground which is different from what they have known.
  • javrsmith Jul 7, 2011 @ 12:30 am | delete
    I cannot imagine the anguish of such a child. Bless you for trying as hard as you did to rescue her.
  • vauldine Jul 3, 2011 @ 4:18 am | delete
    I have an adopted daughter who is 23yrs old and equally troubled. I link consciouness with you in your concern.
  • wordstock Jan 13, 2011 @ 2:58 pm | delete
    I didn't realize that there was more to the Sarah story when I blessed the other lens. Fortunately, I have the opportunity to bless this lens as well. This this beautiful and powerful.
  • Momsbusy247 Dec 21, 2010 @ 11:35 pm | delete
    Beautiful!
  • LisaAuch Sep 12, 2010 @ 1:51 pm | delete
    Barb, you know my story...I was moved by your words, I had a hard time accepting my adpotive parents when I hit the teenage rebellion stage, but they did provide for me a home, maybe not the best by my fathers standards but my mother was the sweetest most loving mother you could want, I know there are 1000s' of children who need not just loving homes, but help with their inner demons, I live every day with my fathers suicide (no wonder I am writing about my life story) and the turmoil it left me, the guilt, not knowing and the questioning, only through meeting people like yourself and hearing their stories allows me to be able to get through just a little bit more, it has been a pleasure to have made your accquaintance,
    I always found it a subject people would hedge away from both adoption and suicide however I think the more it is talked about the better understanding we have of it.
  • Norma_Budden Apr 22, 2010 @ 4:53 pm | delete
    One of the hardest things I find in reading some of your parenting lenses is looking at the photos of your children and not having to wonder what they look like now. I can only imagine how you and your husband must feel...I know you're much stronger than I am because I don't know if I could deal with it all, much less than write about such personal experiences.
  • BarbRad Apr 22, 2010 @ 10:23 pm | delete
    Norma, I often wonder what they look like right now. I wonder if people stay the same age in Heaven as they were when they left earth or whether everyone is grown up and the same age, etc. I always picture them as alive and as they were when the memory I've having occurred. I have some happy memories of both children and I tend to dwell on them. Time has a way of erasing the painful things when enough of it has passed if one is not bitter or nursing grievances. God is a great healer of memories.
  • Michael Apr 21, 2010 @ 12:20 pm | delete
    I am in a complete state of SHOCK, pain, sorrow. I loved Sarah completely, with all of her weaknesses. Helped her. Saw her a few years ago when she reached out to me, and came west for a visit. The loss of Jason was more than traumatic for her, and after Kosta called me, and I had to tell her, I witnessed a Sarah no one has. I still love you, wherever you are......
  • BarbRad Apr 22, 2010 @ 1:35 am | delete
    Michael, whatever you may have thought, we loved her, too. Jason's loss was devastating to all of us, and I'm quite sure it contributed to Sarah's death. She is buried beside him in Long Beach at Forest Lawn Sunnyside. You were there. It was where she wanted to be buried. Bob Gnewuch and Kosta officiated at her memorial service. If you want to talk, go to the top of this page on the right and click through to my profile and use the contact button. I prefer not to communicate through FB. We still have copies of the videos of the memorial service.
  • KathyMcGraw Jan 28, 2010 @ 11:11 am | delete
    Sexually abused children often never let anyone love them. They all hide in one way or another. 9 short years is a drop in the bucket of a life long journey of healing and finding your place in the world. It is difficult for not just you, but the child as well, because in many ways they don't know what they want, this is normal for "them". For all the Sarahs in the world. Even the most highly trained professionals do not always reach these children, and almost never in the first years. Group Homes often times control outside behaviors but not the inside turmoils. I know I was a Family Counselor in Treatment Centers for many years. You gave her your best, and that is all you could have done.
  • Treasures-By-Brenda Dec 29, 2009 @ 6:53 pm | delete
    Beautifully done, blessed.
  • Joy Oct 7, 2009 @ 3:05 pm | in reply to BarbRad | delete
    Oh Barb, you make me ache for you. So very sad what happened to your daughter Sarah. It is so like a person to blame one's self for not being able to reach another person in trouble. You on the other hand sounds as if you did EVERYTHING humanly possible to reach her with your love. For some reason, which you will probably never fully understand, she was unable to receive and believe in your devotion. Remember only the good times and let the dead rest in peace. Remember, life is oh so short.
  • grannysage Jul 24, 2009 @ 9:02 pm | delete
    I've written two comments and erased them because I just don't have the words to express how moved I am. I guess that is the best way to say it.
  • BevsPaper Jul 23, 2009 @ 6:16 pm | delete
    Thank you for this lens from the heart!
  • LindaJM Jul 23, 2009 @ 3:42 pm | delete
    Thanks for sharing your beautiful poetry. All we can do is do our best and leave the outcome to God.
  • BarbRad Jul 18, 2009 @ 2:09 am | in reply to Adult Adoptee | delete
    Thanks for sharing that. When I finally met Sarah's mother at Jason's memorial service, it became evident that Sarah had not bonded with her, either. I really think the only person she ever bonded to was Jason, and when he died, her world fell apart. Loving out of a sense of duty is still better than not loving, and is, in a way, more noble than natural familiar love, since it doesn't come naturally. On the other hand, any love, even that in marriage, takes work to build and maintain. The trouble is, you will never have the opportunity to find out if love would have been the way you expected it might be if you had stayed with your birth mother. Sarah was disappointed in her birth mother's response to her when she finally found her again after she left. I guess she expected to be welcomed with open arms as a long lost child by the mother she had idealized in her mind for several years. The welcome was not as warm as she expected.
  • Adult Adoptee Jul 17, 2009 @ 4:59 pm | delete
    I was adopted as a newborn & unfortunately never emotionally bonded with my adoptive mother. I love her but it's mainly out of a sense of duty. When I was young, I always thought "the grass was greener" elsewhere. I felt different as an adoptive child, like I really didn't belong w/my family. Perhaps Sarah was just so emotionally scarred; she just wasn't capable of expressing love the way her brother was. It must have hurt you as you only wanted to provide her with a stable & loving family. But it seems she just couldn't reciprocate your love for her. Though I never knew Sarah, I can relate to her in many ways. I'm so sorry for your family's loss.
  • Alyce Jul 6, 2009 @ 9:25 am | delete
    So much heart ache and pain. This teaches us much. May it comfort you to put it out there.

by

BarbRad

In my life I've been student, public library clerk, English teacher in public school, elementary teacher in private schools,card buyer for Logos Bookstore... more »

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