Tips on Self-Acceptance

Remember all those times others said to you,
"You are so ____________ (stubborn, quiet, enthusiastic, clumsy, etc.)?
Well, maybe you are or do what others have said,
but, that doesn't mean the characteristic is bad.

Stubborn-ness is first cousin to perseverance and fortitude.

Quiet people are often great listeners, observers or deep thinkers.

People who are "painfully" cheerful and energetic can be great at getting things done or livening up a dull party.

Clumsy people may have their head in the clouds, or not be good for your soccer team, but may be very imaginative.

Always look at the other side of your coin.

WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LOVE OURSELVES?

Nothing defines us more than negativity - whether it be feeling, circumstance, or belief. The most vivid memories people carry are those charged with emotion, especially those of fear and rage. We would rather be defined by negativity, or as a victim, than to not be defined at all.

We demand resolution or justice for past hurts. It isn't fair that people may have gotten away with hurting us. We can't let it go.

We fear that if we are whole and healthy no one will take care of us. We'll be on our own and/or much will be expected of us.

We are addicted to being a martyr in the hopes of being loved in return. If we sacrifice continually we will surely be rewarded.

To be yourself, stop labeling or defining yourself.

Those that hurt us were hurt themselves growing up. That doesn't excuse their actions, its just a fact. Often the only "victory" available is cutting the the ties that hold us to the hurt.

When we become emotionally and mentally healthy we don't need others to take care of us all the time. We become more self-reliant and able to handle responsibility. That is NOT the same as being alone, and DOESN'T mean you have to do everything by yourself.

Constantly "sacrificing" for others is not the road to love. Even if people don't know it, they can feel when they are being manipulated into giving back. Instead of love, they feel resentment.

What does it mean to love yourself? At a basic level it isimply taking care of yourself. Eating well, sleeping and exercising enough to be healthy as possible. It also means doing nice things for yourself. Taking time to enjoy a sunny day, getting a massage or your nails done, enjoying a cup of your favorite tea (or beer). Many of my counseling clients have said, "I'll never love myself." My answer to them is, "You aready do. You're here, wanting to feel or do better. On some level you are loving yourself."

Instead of thinking of love as a feeling, think of it as what you do, or don't do, for yourself.

Here's my plug for therapy. Its not for everybody. It won't help unless you want it to and put forth effort. Still, self-loathing is often "formed" in relationships where others do not validate us or they shame us. It doesn't matter if this was done unknowingly and without malicious intent, or if the intention was to hurt. The result can be the same with varying intensities.

Since we get into the self-loathing trap while in relationships, it is usually necessary for life-long self-haters to free themselves while in a relationship - like with a counselor or therapist. There are different types of therapies that can help.

Not only do our thoughts and ideas need to be validated. It is necessary that our feelings be validated. Feelings are not right or wrong. A person's feelings are always true to their perception of things. To invalidate someones feelings is the same as telling them they don't matter. When perceptions change, feelings will follow.

Instead of trying to eliminate bad habits,

add things that you like and are good for you

to your daily life.