Low Self Esteem and the LGBTQ Community: What Causes It, What You Can Do About It, and Why We Should All Have Hope
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Self-Esteem Issues Hit LGBTQ Youth Hard
Why are LBGTQ youth at such a high risk for these problems? Many within the LGBTQ community believe it is a reaction to prejudice, including discriminatory laws and policies such as laws barring same-sex marriage or allowing employers to discriminate against LGBTQ people. I believe that while these issues are a factor, mental health problems in the LGBTQ community boil down to low self-esteem.
The good news is that these problems can be turned around. My roommate, Gavi, was almost a suicide victim but today is living happily and openly as a woman. Others can experience a similar psychological lift from therapy aimed at self-acceptance or simply learning on their own to accept themselves.
DISCLAIMER
What is Self-Esteem?
It's more than just smiling at yourself in the mirror.
You can always tell when someone has high self-esteem. S/he smiles a lot, listens when you talk and radiates positive energy. People don't mess with those who have high self-esteem, at least not as much, because they are unshakably confident in their own skins. Or at least that's how it is for Gavi and me. In the six months (as of September 2010) that Gavi has been out as a woman, we have never had a problem. Some people may stare or snicker, but that's the worst of it, and those people are few and far between. Most people are friendly and treat her just like anyone else.
Even though self-esteem has all these positive benefits, it's gotten a bad rap recently because some people confuse it with "feel-good" activities that have little substance, such as blowing kisses at yourself in the mirror or teaching children songs about liking themselves. Others think it means doing whatever makes you feel good at the moment, even if it hurts other people.
Neither of these activities has anything to do with self-esteem. I agree with Nathaniel Branden's definition, which is that self-esteem is the "belief that one is competent to face life's challenges and deserving of happiness." In more simple terms, self-esteem means:
- Refusing to pretend that your feelings don't exist if you don't like them. A person who admits to himself that he is attracted to a person of the same gender, for example, has higher self-esteem than a person who tries to ignore those feelings in the hopes that they will go away.
- Accepting yourself--your thoughts, feelings, attitudes and behavior even if you don't like them. This is crucial for LGBTQ people. Refusing to accept that you are non-heterosexual or non-gender conforming leads many people into a battle with themselves and can ultimately result in death. Gavi's desire to kill herself went away when she accepted that she was bisexual.
- Taking action to get what you want. Whether you want a boyfriend, a new job or the right to get married, self-esteem requires you do something to get it. A person with lower self-esteem, however, will sit at home complaining that he doesn't have what he wants or that others don't let him have it.
- Refusing to behave in ways that go against your values, in both big and small matters. For example, if you hang around with homophobic people so that they won't guess you're gay or a supporter of gay equality, you might feel as if you are betraying your beliefs.
- Having the confidence to express what you believe or who you are even if others may disagree--i.e. being out as your true gender or sexual orientation in public. Expressions should be appropriate; explicit sexual conduct in public places or deliberately putting yourself in physical danger are not expressions of self-esteem.
- Working towards goals. Everyone has things they want to achieve. Giving up on doing anything productive or dwelling on the unfair ways you are being treated harms you and wastes energy that could be used to achieve something important.
NOTE
There's nothing wrong with smiling at yourself in the mirror. In fact, it's a healthy thing to do and over time you might start noticing things about yourself you actually like. It's just not enough by itself to really affect your self-esteem.
Getting a Little More Personal
To read more of Gavi's story, please check out this lens.
- It's A Girl! (That's What They Should Have Said) by D Gavi Chayim
- Gavi's life as an openly Transgender Woman. Feel free to comment.
Six Pillars of Self-Esteem
The book that saved Gavi's life
The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem: The Definitive Work on Self-Esteem by the Leading Pioneer in the Field
Amazon Price: $9.85 (as of 06/02/2012)
Nathaniel Branden explores self-esteem in more depth in this book, as well as suggests exercises people can do to increase their self-esteem in six areas: Awareness, acceptance, self-responsibility, integrity, assertiveness and purposefulness. You can use it on your own as well as with a therapist.
Prefer Fiction?
Shades of Gay
Amazon Price: (as of 06/02/2012)
A high school student attempts to come out and have his first same-sex relationship in a small town. Features an afterword by Hadassah D Gavi Chayim about her real-life journey towards higher self-esteem despite homophobia and transphobia.
Gotta Give 'Em Hope
Harvey Milk's Most Inspiring Speech
So Why Do LGBTQ People Have Low Self-Esteem?
Part of Gavi's difficulty with accepting herself came from her religious beliefs and those of her family. This is not an uncommon problem. But does conflict with religious upbringing cause low self-esteem?Some LGBTQ leaders blame unfair social policies as much as religious pressure. Laws that discriminate against LGBT people such as laws forbidding them to marry may make them feel as if they cannot succeed or are not "as good" as non-LGBT people. While discrimination influences LGBT people and requires them to put energy into getting around restrictions, blaming prejudice totally takes the person hirself out of the equation.
Furthermore, many LGBTQ people struggle with expecting discrimination. Gavi and I know some other Transgender people who are afraid to be themselves. These people are convinced that every hiring manager is prejudiced, every potential date wants to use them for sex and that every stranger wants to attack or kill Transgender people. As a result, these people try to hide their gender identity and are often worried that others somehow "know" that they are Transgender. They are miserable, paranoid and worried, as well as feeling that they have no choice but to hide themselves.
Prejudice, cruelty and violence definitely exist, especially in the LGBTQ world, but in many cases they are not as widespread as people make them out to be. Anyone--straight or gay, gender-conforming or gender variant--should use common sense and follow safety rules. LGBTQ people should also consider coming out on a case-by-case basis and may choose not to share who they are with certain people. However, as a general rule, more people are accepting of you than you might think, especially if you are accepting of yourself.
What Do You Think?
Can LGBTQ people really have self-esteem despite prejudice, misunderstanding and violence?
Yes, although unfortunately they have to work harder at it because of discrimination.
GloriaMahin says:
And the things you work for tend to have higher value. If an LGBTQ person achieves high self-esteem, it's like to be more unshakable and contagious than someone who never had to face such a challenge.
AddaptAbilities says:
I know plenty of LGBTQI folks who are happy and healthy. For many of them it was a long struggle to overcome internalized homophobia, but the journey was absolutely worth it.
No, society makes it too difficult for them.
About Coming Out
Although in general, coming out will help you feel better, it is an immensely personal decision. LGBTQ people should not only decide whether to come out at all, but should think about who to come out to and the best way to come out to them.
How to Help Yourself
If your self-esteem is low, don't give up.
If you are suicidal, you really shouldn't be reading this right now. Make an appointment with your doctor or therapist, and call 911 if you need immediate assistance.
- Move slowly towards expressing yourself more. Gavi told her family little by little about her sexual and gender orientations. When she was exploring her gender identity, she started by dressing as a woman when going out to clubs, then gradually expanded the places she was willing to go to as a woman.
- Talk to someone you trust. Make sure it's someone who is open-minded and non-judgemental.
- Ask yourself what you would be doing if there weren't any such thing as discrimination. Commit to doing one small thing on your list.
- Read about LGBTQ issues or meet other LGBTQ people so that you feel less alone. Don't try to force it; just look for one or two friendly people. When Gavi and I made one friend at an LGBTQ club, she introduced us to all her friends. Before we knew it, we were part of a huge group of LGBT people.
LGBTQ Suicide Prevention Resources
If you are suicidal, it is important you get help right away. You can only hold on for so long before you break.
If you know someone who is suicidal, you can find support for yourself as well as for them at one of these resources
- Leading national organization focused on crisis and suicide prevention efforts among LGBTQ youth | The Trevor Project
- The Trevor Project is the first suicide hotline in the United States meant specifically for LGBTQ people and their families. In addition to a hotline, they have information on their site about suicide signs, LGBTQ issues and a place where you can ask questions.
1-866-488-7386
- Project LifeVest
- Project Lifevest was started by a gay high school student after he fought for the right to bring his boyfriend to the prom. He realized that other LGBTQ youth might feel as alone and isolated as he did and that they needed a place to turn for support and help. This project offers a hotline, although it advises suicidal people to call 911 rather than relying on its counselors.
510-725-1408
Express Yourself
Was this page helpful? I hope so. Let me know what you think, and feel free to ask me anything.
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GloriaMahin
Oct 29, 2011 @ 2:44 pm | delete
- Love your in-depth thoughts on self-esteem. One of the most valuable exercises I do with the kids I work with for self-esteem is to have them visualize ways they would use their gifts to make the world a better place. I agree that self-esteem is more than smiling in the mirror.
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AddaptAbilities May 4, 2011 @ 4:18 pm | delete
- Your lenses on LBGTQ issues are always thoughtful and affirming. Keep up the important work. Blessed!
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Reading Increases Self-Esteem
Shades of Gay
Amazon Price: (as of 06/02/2012)
Shades of Gay helps raise LGBT teens' self-esteem by reassuring them that they are not alone and addressing issues these kids face every day. Includes an afterword by Transgender cover artist Hadassah D Gavi Chayim about her experiences as a suicide survivor.
