Managing Conflict in Interpersonal Relationships

How we can differentiate between the three basic orientations to conflict, lose-lose, win-lose and win-win, which affect the manner in which we approach conflict situations.

In a lose-lose conflict it's assumed that each person involved will lose out on something. A lose-lose conflict is damaging and unhealthy to a relationship. Some people try to avoid conflict because they feel it's negative and will hurt someone's feelings. They become a people-person or peace-at-all-costs person when they delay their own needs or rights. People like this will lose out because they don't give their honest opinion or feedback. They become too concerned with how other people feel at the expense of their own feelings.

A win-lose conflict means just that--win or lose. It's a type of conflict where just one person wins the argument while the other one feels bad. It's a game to those who view conflict as a battle to win at all times and at the expense of another person's loss.

The win-lose approach is often used in American business settings. The primary emphasis is on winning all you can, overstate your position, make decisions quickly, and be adversarial. In contrast to this, the Japanese approach to business focuses on team work, cooperation, saving face, avoiding confrontation, understating your position, informally letting others know the bottom line, and reaching areas of agreement.

The win-win approach to conflict is the best solution because there are no losers, no one left feeling bad. People work together to resolve their differences in a mutually respectable way. They find solutions that are acceptable to all parties involved, and they make compromises that satisfy everyone's needs. In other words, no one is selfish using the win-win approach. Everyone's a winner!

One example of using the win-win approach is a couple working together in a kitchen. One agrees to cook the dinner while the other agrees to clean off the table and wash the dishes. However, in a win-lose scenario, only one person is left to do the entire cooking plus clean the table and wash dishes while the other slacks off and watches TV. In a lose-lose scenario neither person agrees to cook or wash dishes. They might even argue over this until one of them storms out the kitchen mad.

The best ways to manage conflict in relationships are:
x Watching how you attend to the relationship level of meaning. In other words, do you communicate respect, attentiveness, or superiority when speaking with someone?
x Are you being supportive in building a win-win approach to conflict? Do you consider other's feelings, ideas, values, thoughts, actions, and goals?
x Be responsible for your own thoughts, feelings, and actions.
x Acknowledge your differences but find common ground. Agree to disagree.
x Think of how you'll feel after saying harsh remarks to someone. Will you honestly feel good about it or will you feel guilty over it? Will you wish you hadn't said those things? Would you like for someone to speak to you in the same way?

Remember, communication is a two-way street, so work at becoming a better communicator.