Marriage Jokes

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1 . Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but it is no longer available.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Desperate

First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command "http: I Thought You Loved Me.html" and try to download Tears 6.2 and don't forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

Thank you and have a great day.

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* Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing (August 1, 1995)
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When a bachelor marries, his wife has three qualities - She is an economist in the kitchen, an aristocrat in the living room and a devil in bed.

After a few years, sure enough the three qualities remain, but not in the same order anymore.

She becomes an aristocrat in the kitchen, a devil in the living room and an economist in bed.

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A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, "For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."

"Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and - abracadabra! - two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husband's turn.

He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed; but a wish is a wish.

So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and - abracadabra! -

the husband became 92 years old !

LESSONS: fairies are always female

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A man left work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home Sunday night he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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After several weeks of feeling lousy and in pain, John decided that he should finally see a doctor. He asked his wife, Mary, to join him. So after waiting for an hour, they entered the room of the specialist recommended by their friends.

The doctor examined John for more than a half hour, took blood test, x-rays and poked and prodded every available spot on his body.

After waiting an hour, the doctor asked Mary to come in to his office to speak privately.

"What Is It??" Mary asked

"Well, there is good news and bad news", said the doctor. "Your husband has a very rare disease, that if he gets very stressed is most likely to become fatal."

"Well, Whats the good news??" asked Mary.

"Practice has shown that if you, as his wife, make sure that his life is stress free, he can go on living a very healthy, normal life. What this means on a practical level is that you have to pamper him and do what he wants. If he gets upset, agree with him. Cook him his favorite foods regularly. Don't argue with him, even when you know you are right. Let him always think he is right and always be respectful of him. Be available regularly in the romantic department and fulfill all his wishes."

Stunned, Mary leaves and heads to the reception room, where John was impatiently waiting.

"So...." John asked, "What did the doctor tell you?? "

"You're gonna die!"

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A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the more sheer, the higher the price. He opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself."

So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"

HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT!!!!

HIS FUNERAL IS ON THURSDAY.

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There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said,

"Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box > and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.

So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied," Listen, I'm a Christian; I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

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This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with an Jamaican accent says "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you Would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!"

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible.

He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing what little hair he had left on his head.

"This is great.", he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get way from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph!

Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing." He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man "Sir, he said, looking at his watch. " My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."

A husband and wife go visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone. The counselor asks, "You say you've been married 20 years, so what seems to be the problem?"

The wife replies, "It's my husband -- he's driving me crazy! I'm going to leave him if he continues!"

"How does he drive you crazy?"

"For 20 years," she says, "he's been doing these stupid things. First, whenever we go out, he's always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It's very embarrassing."

The marriage counselor is amused, "Anything else?"

"He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!"

"Hmm, anything else?"

The wife hesitates, "whenever we're making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I'd like to be in control!"

"Ah," says the counselor, "I think I'll talk to your husband now."

So the wife goes out of the room and the husband enters. The counselor tells him, "Your wife says that you've been driving her crazy. She might even leave you."

The husband looks shocked, "WHAT? For 20 years I've been loving and considerate and I've always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?"

The counselor explains, "She says that you've got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you're always acting strange in public--looking at the floor and never going near anyone else."

The husband looks concerned, "Oh, you don't understand! It's one of the few things my father told me to do on his death bed and I swore I'd obey everything he said."

"What did he say?"

"He said that I should never step on anyone's toes!"

The counselor looks amused, "Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry."

The husband looks sheepish, "Oh. Okay."

The counselor continues, "And you keep picking your nose in public."

"Well, its another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean."

The counselor looks faint, "That means that you should not indulge in any criminal activity."

"Oh," says the husband looking very stupid.

"And finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking."

"This," says the husband seriously, "is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed and it's the most important thing."

"What did he say?"

The husband replies, "In his dying breath, he said, 'Don't screw up.'"

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An elderly man in Penang called his son in Hong Kong and said, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screamed.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man said. We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Canberra and tell her," and he hung up.

Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone.

"Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouted, "I'll take care of this."

She called her dad immediately, and screamed at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hung up.

The old man hung up his phone and turned to his wife.

"Okay," he said, "they're coming for the reunion dinner and Lunar New Year and paying their own airfares."

WIFE's DIARY:
Sunday night - I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u, too." When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV; he seemed distant and absent.

Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.

My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND's DIARY:
Today Manchester United lost the match. DAMN IT..!!

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
My biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
As I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked him...
Like his Mother used to do.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.... "HEBREWS"

A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

Question: What's a mixed feeling?
Answer: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would imagine that a person could go on celebrating that long?'

Question: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
Answer: 45 pounds.

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 100 in under 10 seconds.'

I bought her some bathroom scales.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?" "Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!" "I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours." Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted".
Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.

I took her to a gas station.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive
him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up."