What marriage advice can a divorce person possibly give? It would seem divorcees would have very little advice to hand out, since we have failed at our own marriages. However, we often learn more about ourselves in retrospect than we do at the present moment.
It takes time to step back from the hurt, pain, and disappointment of a broken marriage. At the beginning of a divorce, there is a lot of blame. But after the dust settles, the tears have dried, the ink on the divorce papers have made their indelible mark, there comes a time when we see more clearly and we understand more fully what part we may have played in the dissolution of our own marriage.
What have I learned from being divorced? It takes two to make a marriage. Not just two people living side by side, but two equally willing people, who are committed to keeping the relationship alive, fresh, living, vital, and ever evolving. When either party becomes complacent in marriage, a slow creeping death can ensue. Love and marriage requires diligence to make it successful. It's not something that stays alive on its own. Like a garden, it has to be tended, watered, weeded, fertilized, and watched over.
Marriage takes commitment, it takes forgiveness, it takes sacrifice, it takes compromise, and it takes maturity. We often marry without those qualities in our lives, or we come into a relationship without a clear understanding of the commitment and work it takes.
There are so many qualities that make a good marriage, from love, respect, honesty, communication, and partnership. It's a juggling act to keep all of these qualities in play throughout the years and seasons of married life. Marriage is work. Marriage is an all-out effort, and the most intimate covenant relationship you'll ever enter into with another human being. Our ever changing throw away, give-up society plays havoc on our commitment. We're told if we don't like it, replace it. It's easier to walk away than to stay.
Having been single for almost nine years since my own divorce, I have come to recognize I may never receive that gift of companionship or marriage again. If you have that gift, cherish it. Keep it. Work at it. Below are more tips and thoughts about divorce prevention and how to keep the relationship alive.
Prevention is the Best Medicine
Many people ask the question: Should I get a divorce? Before you walk out the door, consider this.Statistics are alarming. The U.S. Census Bureau reports the following: The average age for a first divorce for males is 30.5 and females 29. The average age for a second divorce for males is 39.3 and females 37. The duration of first marriages that end in divorce is approximately 7 years, and the duration for second marriages is approximately 7 years. (Must be the 7-year itch!) Only 52% of all marriages make it to their 15th wedding anniversary, only 33% make it through to their 25th, and a slim 5% make it to their 50th. People who have divorced at least twice, have a 73% chance that their third marriage will fail too.
What's wrong? Is it because divorce is so easy and commitment is so hard? As humans, we haven't learned the basic skills of intelligent loving relationships that can last. It's obvious, because statistics show we bring our mistakes from marriage to marriage, and couples find the pain of staying and working things out greater than the pain they may have to face in a divorce.
The decision to divorce should never be left as the last decision to be made in any marriage relationship. It's obvious as humans we're missing it somewhere in the relationship area. Our love is transient, convenient, and self enhancing. We have lost the skills to stay married, because we never learned them to begin with before we tied the knot. We married in the height of love and passion, but didn't consider the consequences or cost of what it takes to make love last.
The best preventive medicine in a marriage is to decide at the altar during the exchange of vows that there will be no divorce, so as things become tough down the road, that door is closed and other options are pursued. It's a decision we need to make at the beginning of the relationship that we will do absolutely everything in our power to make it work, whether it takes swallowing our pride, getting counseling, reading books, going to seminars, or forgiving daily the offenses that could pile up into ugly mountains. We need to take that effort to keep our marriages alive and not let them stagnate into divorce court. If you're at the breaking point now, it's not too late to reassess your vows and make that decision with your mate, if they are willing.
I'm reminded of a movie entitled Laws of Attraction staring Julianne Moore and Pierce Brosnan that was released in 2004. They were both divorce lawyers who fell in love. One statement that stood out in that movie was the passion people showed in the divorce court. The character played by Pierce Brosnan asked the question, "Where was that passion in saving the marriage?"
Keys to Unlock the Door to a Good Marriage
- Don't try to change each other.
- Communicate, communicate, communicate.
- Speak the truth in love, not anger.
- Don't lie to one another....ever.
- Forgive and forget, forget, forget.
- Keep romance alive at all costs.
- Touch, hug, and kiss often.
- It's not always about the sex.
- If you're Christians, pray together ALWAYS and about EVERYTHING. If you're not, try it.
- Be patient with one another.
- Focus on the good in each of you.
- Words can heal or kill a relationship. Watch what you say. A harsh hurtful word is like a nail. You might be able to pull it out and say your sorry, but you'll still leave a hole where it's been and scar a heart.
- If things get hard, go to marriage counseling, read a book, talk to your pastor, attend a seminar. Be proactive to preserve your marriage. Don't be too proud to get help. Pride comes before failure.
- Rule your money or it will rule you and your marriage.
- Don't make big decisions alone about anything - make them together.
- Marriage is like a checkbook. You both need to make deposits into the relationship. If you keep writing checks and taking from one another and never giving, your marriage checkbook becomes overdrawn - the late fees are relationship killers.
- Remember the things you are thankful for in each other. Tell each other -- tell God.
- Clean up, dress up, look good, and have a date once in a while.
- Don't take each other for granted.
- A good marriage is a gift, take care of it, don't lose it, it's irreplaceable. Once lost, it may never be replaced or given again. Take it from someone who knows.
Great Stuff on Amazon
The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate
Amazon Price: $10.19 (as of 12/26/2009) 
![Laws of Attraction [Region 2]](http://ecx.images-amazon.com/images/I/41KFF5250YL._SL75_.jpg)
Laws of Attraction [Region 2]
Amazon Price: (as of 12/26/2009)
Divorce-Proofing Your Marriage : 10 Lies That Lead to Divorce and 10 Truths That Will Stop It
Amazon Price: (as of 12/26/2009)
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