The Big Decision

Age matters in successful marriages, because marriage takes maturity. And maturity usually increases with age.

The younger you are, the greater the chance of divorce. Until 25, that is... then the effect levels out.

Under 25 but unusually mature? Take a test.

More soon... but for now, let's get this lens published!

Few things arouse such passions as this topic... it is highly political... almost up there with gay marriage as a way to get people fired up! (Don't believe me? Just look at the different names we have for this form of relationship!)

There isn't definitive research on this one, but it seems that living together before you decide to get married increases you risk of divorce.

Again, DON'T PANIC just yet.

The impact seems to depend on WHY and WHEN you are living together.

Your risk of divorce goes up, if:
You moved in together because "you were always staying over anyway and why pay two rents instead of one". Or if you thought a test drive was a good idea. Or if you did it to save money. Or if living together was a more in depth form of dating.

Your risk of divorce does not go up, if you decided to get married and then moved in.

What do you friends and family think of your relationship?

Your family have had a HUGE influence on your thoughts, habits and preferences. If they don't approve of the person you are thinking about marrying, that is a red flag!

The same thing -- usually to a lesser extent -- applies to your friends.

A few things to bear in mind, though:

1) Do you get along well with your family? If you don't, their opinion is less valuable. If they were abusive or very dysfunctional, their opinion is less valuable.

But if you come from a warm, supportive family (and most of us do, no matter what you read in the news) then you really need to listen to them because you are a lot like them! When your infatuation fades, you will probably find yourself disliking the same things about your partner that your family dislikes now.

2) The opinions of happily married people count for more on this matter. So do the opinions of someone who has been through a divorce and learned a lot from it. Not as much value in asking someone who doesn't have any experience.

3) Friends and family are often very reluctant to say anything negative. They want to still get along with you! If they are genuinely happy for you, that is a good sign.

Remember, this is not a perfect test. But if family and friends have misgivings, there is a good chance they are right.

First off, an exercise for you.

For the next month, at the end of each day ask yourself:
"If things stayed exactly the way they were today, would I want to stay in this relationship?"

If you find yourself answering "no" more than "yes", that's a red flag.

Second, you can sign up for a free marriage compatibility test by e-mail from CouplesQuestions. It goes into more depth and you get the e-mails over two weeks. So you get some time to think about them.

Thirdly, take your time! Happy marriages are for life, so it really shouldn't matter if you get married this year or next year. If you are desperately eager to get married, you need to honestly evaluate why. It could be that your reason for getting married is not a good one.

Perhaps more importantly, falling in love releases a whole cascade of chemicals to your brain. It is a heady, intoxicating time but it is harder to think rationally. Taking some time lets you see if your love continues to deepen. With the right person, it will.

My bonus recommendation: if you decide to get married... promise that you will do premarital counseling, marriage preparation, or a premarriage education program. Every couple goes through tough times... when you do, you will be glad that you did the premarriage learning!

You can search through TherapistLocator.net in North America or google "premarital counseling" + your town. Think of the happiest couples you know and ask if they have a recommendation. Talk to your priest/rabbi/imam/wedding officiant. Or look for an online program, like CouplesQuestions.

The only thing I wouldn't recommend is going it alone. There are plentiful books that help you get to know each other, but it is too easy to put it off.

Happy Couples, Happy Planet!