Marriage Therapy Kansas City

A good couple's fight is like a good tennis match with a worthy partner. It's a great work out, in this case an emotional work out. It tests the mettle of your partner. It can let you know that they are still your match. But as with the tennis match or any kind of human interaction, marital fighting has to be done by the rules, Fair Rules of Fighting.

Often a partner will "pick" a fight if attention to them from the other partner has been slacking off. If nothing else, a fight means the couple is not finished with each other. We don't fight with people we don't care about any longer.

And that leads to the other side of things. For balance, a couple needs an equal amount of love making, in as many ways as they can: sexually, in play, in creating a new project or raising kids. Cleaning out the garage, for example, can become a wonderful love making session. A healthy relationship needs fighting and loving. Both are processes that take the other person into account in very focused ways. And that's the point of a relationship: to be seen and attended to and known intimately for who we are by someone who cares about us. Both fair fighting and healthy love making reveals our true colors and personality traits.

Give yourself a break. None of us were taught that fighting can be good for marital health, let alone the rules of fair engagement.

But when you think about it, two humans, living together, no matter how much they love each other, they are going to have occasional conflict and disagreements. The problem is we have not been shown how to skillfully engage our love partner so the conflict can be dealt with healthily.

Look at this:

Stefanie Kranjec of Reuters reports the University of Michigan's seventeen-year study following 192 couples revealed that "fighting with your spouse can actually be good for your health ... The study found that those who kept their anger in were twice as likely to die earlier than those who don't."

The results of a study in 2005 at Ohio State University reported that couples who bicker a great deal set themselves up for serious illnesses such as ""depression, as well as heart disease, osteoporosis, arthritis, type 2 diabetes, cancer, and general physical decline."

So it appears from a health perspective, couples shouldn't bicker but at the same time they should not keep their anger in. We think these studies support our belief that married couples should learn how to fight fair.

When you fight fair, you are not bickering and you are not keeping your anger in. You are expressing your frustration and anger in a healthy way -- both for your marriage and yourselves.

• No physical violence or emotional abuse while talking/fighting.


• No name calling or cussing out the other person.


• Stick to the topic of contention. No bringing up the past, unless that's the topic.


• Avoid lying and exaggerating as in "You always......" or "You never......" or "I'm the only one who ever......". Statements such as these are useless untruths and do little to enhance problem solving.


• No walking or running out of the fight. If you need a break because you're getting too emotional to think clearly and remember the Fair Rules of Fighting, ask for a break and agree when the fight will resume. You do not have to say this relationship is over or ask for a divorce just to take a time-out.


• No ultimatums or threats. For example: "This has to stop. If not, I'm calling your mother about this!" If you need to call your mother-in-law, do it. But don't threaten that as leverage to win the fight.


The point of Fair Fighting is not to win but to struggle with your partner until you can come to win/win solutions or compromises. In the meantime enjoy sparing with the other person and sharpening both of your abilities to stay afloat in the world of human realities.

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