Maternity and Pregnancy Jokes - Just for fun

Jake in Red Rose

BIRTH ORDER OF CHILDREN

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Baby (heart) Bump blue Maternity Dark T-Shirt

Baby (heart) Bump Maternity Dark T-Shirt

Baby(heart) Bump Maternity T-shirt

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Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don't bother because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month

The Baby clothes:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn's clothes, colour co-ordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?
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Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress--a whimper, a frown--you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing
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Dummies:

1st baby: If the dummy falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and sterilise it.
2nd baby: When the dummy falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.
3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.
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Nappy changing:

1st baby: You change your baby's nappies every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their nappy every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their nappy before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.
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Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.
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Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.
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At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.
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Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!
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Pass this on to everyone you know who has children . . . or everyone who KNOWS someone who has had children . .
(The older the mother, the funnier this is!)

Paper Bags

when you take a shower you either have a child or bath tub toys at your feet.

when you sing "Dora Dora Dora the Explorer" or Wiggles songs in the shower. With all the right words. And on-key.

when you go to use the bathroom you count the seconds before one of your children or your husband come knocking at the door.

when your Tivo is loaded with more kid shows than your own shows.

when your idea of 'A night in with the girls' involves princess dresses, fake make-up and making beaded necklaces.

when your out with your friends and all you can think of to talk about is your kids.

when you tell jokes, you realize they are the goofy ones your kids made up.

when someone else's kid pukes at a party and you keep eating!

when you no longer need an alarm clock because your kids get up at 7:00 a.m. everyday no matter what time they go to bed.

when you go to the fridge, takes the milk- bottle out to have a sip and you don't notice that the nipple is still on it.

when you excitedly shout "Scoop!" when you pass construction equipment on the highway and your kids aren't even in the car!

when the Metro seems way too quiet without little children squirming in the seats

when cleaning by yourself is no longer a chore. It's a vacation!!!

when you are looking at the movies section of the newspaper and you run to tell your husband about the new animated movie coming out.

when you clap when someone goes potty

Potting Shed Babies

Erin as Toadstool

when you buy "Cars" for your son, and you and your hubby watch it instead

when you proudly put a Mom's Group sticker on your car and hope someone will notice it.

when you find Legos in the most unusual places in your house, and you aren't surprised at all.

when you watch the Disney Channel, Noggin and Nickelodeon on a daily basis, even after you drop your kids at preschool.

when you start using words like goobly gobley in everyday conversation.

when you can no longer wear black, for fear of massive spit up marks

when you believe that macaroni and cheese should become it's own food group.

when play dates have taken over your life!

when you sing to the Elmo CD that is playing on your radio long after you've dropped your children off at daycare.

when you can't wait to hug your own kids after you see something troubling on the news.

when you lick your finger to wipe the face of a child AND suddenly stop when you realize that child ISN'T YOURS!

when you reach into your pocket and pull out a crayon, a matchbox car and a dirty sock.

when you have no issues sniffing another person's butt for a poopie diaper.

when you think yourself lucky to get out of the house without visible a spit-up stain.

when a night on the town means taking the kids out past 6 pm.

when a packet of crisps (chips), and a chocolate bar is considered a hearty breakfast.

Campbell with Bear

Anne's Pansies

when you count the days until your next girl's night.

when your purse contains packages of Pepperage farm goldfish, a juice box, assorted wrappers and a binky.

when you give up your cool car for a minivan, and within a few weeks, you really start to like the van, and use phrases like "It's just so convenient." And you really mean it.

when you end up tying your husband's shoes, or cutting your in-laws meat, before you realize your doing it.

when you ask where "the potty" is.

when you look through family pictures, and realize there aren't very many of you, because you are always behind the camera yourself.

when you begin to wonder whether fed-exing the kids to grandma's is an idea who's time has come.

when "whine" is no longer simply red or white.

when when people ask you what you do, you tell them you are a "pediatric logistics specialist"!

when sleeping in means ...sleeping IN the middle of three little bodies!!!

when you just gave your kids two kittens even though you're allergic to cats!

when you'd rather listen to your 6 year old's music than your own.

when our feet stick to the kitchen floor..... and you don't care.

when you can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

when you spend an entire week wearing sweats.

Waterlily

Bumblebee Babies

Teddy Bears Picnic

when your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

when Popsicle's become a food staple.

when your favorite television show is a cartoon.

when Peanut butter and jelly is eaten at least in one meal a day.

when you're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

when your baby's pacifier falls on the floor and you give it back to her after you suck the dirt off of it because your too busy to wash it off.

when your kids make jokes about farting, burping, pooping, etc., and you think it's funny.

when you're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and HE hangs up on YOU!

when spit is your number one cleaning agent.

when you buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

when the closest you get to gourmet cooking is making rice krispie bars.

when you count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

when you have time to shave only one leg at a time.

when you hide in the bathroom to be alone.

when your kid throws up and you catch it.

when someone else's kid throws up at a party. You keep eating.

when you consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.

when you find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

when you no longer need an alarm clock because your kids get up at 7:00 a.m. everyday no matter what time they go to bed.

when you automatically double-knot everything you tie.

when you find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

when you hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

when you actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

when you weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

when you actually start understanding the Klingon language

when you get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.

when you spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

when you are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

In the Bed