Rockin' the Military Family

Sitting in the dim light of the aircraft, I shift in my seat, looking around at all the sleeping soldiers. My soldiers, all there and accounted for. It is a great feeling. I have spent the last 15 months in Iraq as a Brigade 1st Sgt with over 300 soldiers that were my responsibility. It has been a long deployment and I am battle worn, ready to be at home with my family. My thoughts drift to my family. My two older children are grown and out of the house. One served with me in Iraq for three months before I headed out of there. The other, has been in college and will be heading to France to do two semesters abroad. My youngest is 4. I have been gone for the majority of her life and I hope that she will warm right up to me when she sees me when I get home and then my wife. My wife is as much a military wife as I am a 1st SGT. She takes her job seriously and makes sure everything is taken care of while I am gone. As I sat there thinking about them all, I realized that I am lucky. I can just thinking about seeing them again with excitement. I am not worried that I am coming home to some kind of mess as many soldiers do. I have a family that is probably as battle worn as I am because they have gone thru as many deployments as I have, but I have three great kids that are accomplishing life and a rock solid marriage that the Army can't make a dent in. When it comes down to it a family is either made for the Army or their not. Sadly the majority of them aren't. It isn't about the long deployments, the low pay or the crazy hours. The military family is about hard work, commitment and dedication. Everyone in the Army or married too it has two choices, they can moan, groan and complain about how bad they have it or they can buckle down, accept that the military life is hard and drive on.

My family lives under the constant thought of when my next deployment will be. We all know it is there looming just above us. It's funny, while we all know it's there we don't let it weigh down the time that we have together. Maybe that is what makes our family life so great. We appreciate the time we do get to spend together and take advantage of every second.

So how do we do this? How do we have this rockin' military family? Well first of all my family doesn't see my job as some sort of entity that is out to just inconvenience our family. We are a regular family that has bills to pay, things to do and relationships to take care of. These are things that any civilian has to do also. The differences do come when a spouse is deployed or leading up to a deployment. There are the long hours of work and training. The key is that both parts have to put forth the effort. For instance: If I am working late and know I will be working late all week, my wife will have our daughter take a nap later in the day so she can keep her up later so that I can spend time with her when I get home. We always have dinner together at the table and we talk on the phone during any break that I may have during the day. We may not have a huge quantity of time but we definitely have quality time.

During deployments my wife isn't inconvenienced by a 2am phone call, (I asked her about this one) she is just glad to hear from me no matter what time it is. My wife once told a friend that was back in the dating game again who was complaining about a guy not calling her "If MY husband can get to a phone and call me from a third world country that doesn't even have running water then a guy who works a 9 to 5 job can find five minutes in his day to call you" and she's right, communication is key. It doesn't matter where I am. If I can get to a phone then I am calling home. It doesn't matter what kind of day I have had or how tired I am, they are a priority and keeping in touch is a vital part of having a successful military family. I have worked with many soldiers who only call home once a week or even once a month even when they have access to phones on a daily basis. There isn't a family in the world that can have a great relationship with that little of contact, but it happens all the time and then when the family splits up the Army gets the blame.

Another reason for our success is that my wife gets involved. For about a year before my last deployment and during the deployment she was our company's FRG Leader (Family Readiness Group) She was involved with the soldier's families and with the soldiers themselves. This was a great help because she always knew what was going on and was able to pass it on to the soldier's wives. They were all in the same boat together and would have meetings every month and get together to have fun and discuss any issues they were having. Being involved with the soldier's unit is very helpful to many of the spouses because it can give them a feeling of belonging and family especially when they are probably so far away from their own families.

The Army itself has also put in place a huge support system for families. Every post has programs to help spouses learn about military issues, deployments and if you need help there is help there on every Army post, all someone has to do is ask. Fort Drum had great benefits for the families of deployed soldiers. They had free child care available so that the spouses could have some free time to themselves. They also would have free nights at the movies and bowling along with tons of other activities to get the spouses of deployed soldiers together so that they wouldn't feel so alone. Many spouses never even take advantage of all the Army has out there to offer for them. It's usually all for free too!

The Army has also been working to stabilize soldiers for longer periods of time at one duty station so that the families don't have to move as often. I spent the last eight years at Fort Drum, NY before they moved us to Fort Huachuca, AZ. Where you move too and how often you move often time depends on your job or what schools you go to. We are a good example for this issue. We expected to be here for the last two years before I retire but I now have to attend a school in another state and if I can bring my family with me then they are coming! This is another issue that my wife and I agree on. If I am in school in the states and my family can get to where I am then they will be there. I recently went to school for three months in Florida and my family came with me for part of it so that we wouldn't have to have such a long separation. Sometimes it does mean you have to sacrifice some comfort and even some extra money but in the end it is totally worth it!

Many people forget the extra benefits that the military provides. One of the reasons I originally went into the Army was because my oldest daughter is a severe asthmatic. In the civilian world I didn't have the money to pay for all of her medical care and that is the most helpless feeling in the world. The military has excellent medical coverage for my family. A lot of people like to say it is FREE but it isn't. Soldiers work very hard for their paychecks and this is just another form of pay in my mind. We also have government quarters available for us to live in. Yet another benefit that people may say is FREE. But we pay for that also with the long hours that we put in daily especially during deployments. Living in military housing has it's pro's and con's. It can be good as the family is part of a community that is just like them. Military life is different and people that have never been in the military or around it have no idea. But on the other hand, it is living close to other people, many times with people in your business all the time. During our time at Fort Drum we chose to live off post 45 minutes away so that when we were home, we were home. The military also pays for your move if you have to go to a different duty station. They actually send in movers to pack up your house and move the stuff for you. It is hard enough to have to move across the country or even over seas but not having to worry about how you are getting your belongings there is a great plus!

With all that being said please don't get me wrong. I am not saying that military life is a walk in the park. Not everything comes up roses. It is a lot of work. There is an old saying that says "If the Army wanted you to have a family they would have ISSUED you one". The Army has been working hard to change that but no matter what mission will always come first. It is what we signed up for, it is what we do, BUT it doesn't mean that just because I decided to serve my country that I can't have a normal, healthy, wonderful family life. But like almost anything in life that is worth having, you have to have your priorities set and you have to work for it. So while so many will sit around and think "oh why me?" I will be out in my back yard having a tea party for my little girl because every second with her is precious and I want years from now for her to remember the day that Papi made that memory with her.

Of course I can only tell you what has worked for me. My husband was deployed to Afghanistan while I was pregnant for our daughter. He came home a week before she was born, and was heading back out the door when she was six months old.

Obviously a six month old isn't going to recognize their father after an entire year of being separated. They just aren't old enough for their memories to be that long in the first place!! This didn't deter me though. I wanted to make sure that she didn't go running and screaming when she saw him again.

Since she was so little, it wasn't like she really had any memories of him, but I worked hard to make sure he was a part of our daily lives.

* While she was this little, these are the things that I did to help put him into her life while he was gone.

* Laminate pictures onto highchair trays, walker trays, stick them on exersaucers or whatever else your child spends a lot of time in.

* Laminated pictures onto cards so that she could play with them and stick them in my purse to give to her while we are at the grocery store or at the mall.

* Constantly chat about Papi (what she calls her daddy). I would constantly be having conversations with her no matter where I was. I would just say things like "Wait until I talk to Papi and tell him what a good girl you are being" things to that nature. I wanted to make sure there was an importance to Papi.

* Make videos of the spouse deploying reading books, or talking to the baby.

* Have them make videos while over there and send them over and play them for the babies.

* Make mobiles to put over their changing tables, cribs or bouncers with pictures of them with their parent that is deployed.

I think that was one of the toughest years. When he came back she was a year and half old. She was walking, and talking a bit.

I think he was nervous that she wouldn't know him. I'm not really sure if she did or not but she went right to him and let him carry her around the rest of the day. I think many times soldiers think that the child will take right to them immediately, but they have to be patient and let the child come to them.

Things my husband did to make her feel comfortable were: he let her come to him. He would get down in her area, sit on the floor and just be there. That way when she was playing she would come by and explore him. Play with him but then maybe back off. He never pushed it. She was pretty good with him but it took a while before she would go to him if she got hurt or was upset. He only had a year before his next deployment to work on it but before he left the next time they were inseparable

The next deployment was 15 months long. They had come really close and she had a much harder time with him being gone. My husband is awesome at keeping in contact with us while he is gone. I don't care where he is, he will find a way to contact us some how and we rarely go very many days without contact.

Before he left we bought digital cameras that had video capabilities. He would make her tons of videos and we would make him even more so that he wouldn't miss out on any more of her life. She loved performing on the videos for him and when she was really missing him we would make a video! We also bought a tablet to hook to our computer where she could draw him pictures to send to him. She wrote him letters constantly and he sent her packages, post, cards and letters. She loved getting mail from him. We also sent him care packages that she would pick out the contents of!!! The poor guy, for Valentines day she sent him pink socks with hearts on them and being the good sport that he is, he sent her a video with him wearing the socks!!!!

I can not stress enough how important communication is. This time when he came back she was glued to him for days before she would even let him out of her site. If you watch the homecoming video on this lens you will see how excited she was when he came home!! It was just awesome!

When you are married to a soldier communication is key. The thing is, sometimes it is hard to know what the heck they are talking about!! They speak an entirely different language, and I am not talking about Spanish or French, I am talking about Army Acronyms!!!

You walk into a conversation and you hear" So I have to check my husbands LES so that I can go over to AAFES and pick him up another set of ACU's because he has to go to TDY to Fort Bliss." WHAT?? LOL, if you are new to the military or are a civilian you will probably think that they are speaking some foreign language!! Here are a FEW of the most common acronyms that you will need to know to be able to decipher what your spouse along with other military members are saying!!!

AAFES (A-Fees): Army, Air Force Exchange System
ACS: Army Community Service
ACU: Army Combat Uniform
AER: Army Emergency Relief
AFAP: Army Family Action Plan
AFN: Armed/American Forces Network
ANCOC (A-knock): Advanced Noncommissioned Officers' Course
APO: Army Post Office
AWOL (A-wall): Absent Without Leave

BAH: Basic Allowance for Housing
BAS: Basic Allowance for Subsistence (food allowance)
BCT: Basic Combat Training
BDE: Brigade
BDU: Battle Dress Uniform
BEQ: Bachelor Enlisted Quarters (for NCOs)
BN: Battalion
BNCOC (B-knock): Basic Noncommissioned Officers' Course
BOQ: Bachelor Officers Quarters
BX: Base Exchange (AF) - Army refers to it as PX (Post Exchange)

CDC: Child Development Center
CDS: Child Development Services
CG: Commanding General
CHAMPUS: Civilian Health and Medical Program for the Uniformed Services
CID: Criminal Investigation Division (Army's FBI)
CO: Commanding Officer
COB: Close of Business
COC: Chain of Command
COL: Colonel
COLA (Cola, like the drink): Cost of Living Allowance
CONUS (cone-us): Continental United States
CPL: Corporal (E-4 pay with leadership, like a NCO)
CPO: Civilian Personnel Office
CPX: Command Post Exercise
CQ: Charge of Quarters (duty after regular hours
CSM: Command Sergeant Major
CYS: Community Youth Services

DA: Department of the Army
DCU: Desert Combat Uniform
DeCA: Defense Commissary Agency
DEERS (deers, like the animal): Defense Enrollment Eligibility Reporting System
DENTAC: US Army Dental Activity
DFAC (D-Fac): Dining Facility
DI: Drill Instructor
DITY (Ditty): Do It Yourself Move
DOB: Date of birth
DOD (Dod): Department of Defense
DODDS (Dods): Department of Defense Dependants Schools
DODEA: Department of Defense Education Activity
DOR: Date of Rank
DOS: Date of Separation
DS: Drill Sergeant

EEO: Equal Employment Opportunity

FA: Field Artillery
FAC: Family Assistance Center
FCP: Family Care Plan
FLO: Family Liaison Office
FOB (Fob): Forward Operating Base
FORSCOM (For's-com): Forces Command
FRG: Family Readiness Group
FRO: Family Readiness Officer
FSA: Family Separation Allowance

GI: Government Issue

HHC: Headquarters and Headquarters Company
HHG: Household Goods
HOR: Home of Record
HQ: Headquarters

IG: Inspector General

JAG (jag): Judge Advocate General
KIA: Killed in Action
KISS: Keep it simple stupid/sweetie
KP: Kitchen Patrol

LES: Leave and Earnings Statement (his pay stub)

MP: Military Police
MRE: Meals Ready to Eat
MWR: Morale, Welfare and Recreation

NCO: Non Commissioned Officer
NCOER: NCO Evaluation Report
NCOIC: NCO in Charge

OCONUS (Oh-Cone-us: Outside Continental United States
OHA: Overseas Housing Allowance

PCS: Permanent Change of Station
PLDC: Primary Leadership Development Course (now WLC)
PMOS: Primary Military Occupational Specialty
POA: Power of Attorney
POC: Point of Contact
POV: Privately Owned Vehicle
POW: Prisoner of War
PT: Physical Training
PX: Post Exchange

QTRS: Quarters

SGLI: Serviceman's Group Life Insurance
SOP: Standard Operating Procedure
TDY: Temporary Duty
TIG: Time In Grade
TLA: Temporary Living Allowance
TLE: Temporary Lodging Entitlement
TRADOC (tray-doc): Training and Doctrine Command

UCMJ: Uniform Code of Military Justice

XO: Executive Officer

This is just a shortened list, it is by no means every one they have!! That would take all day and a lot more space!! But these are the more commonly used ones that you will probably hear from your spouse quite often!

Ok, the title on this module might sound a little harsh, but I feel that this topic needs harshness.

I KNOW that people are just trying to be kind, take an interest or support but next time you get the urge to just blurt out your first thought when you come across a military spouse, think about what you are saying and the severity of his or her situation.

I found this little magnet on Café Press and it really summed up the problem. So I thought I would share it along with some insight of my own.

Please keep in mind that when you are dealing with a military spouse, their soldier is in a third world country, being shot at, and living in substandard living conditions. The spouse often has taken over every chore, responsibility and every kid in their family and is probably doing it all on their own.

1. As soon as you find out her husband or his wife is deployed, take it upon your self to tell them exactly how you feel about the war and how WE shouldn't even be there. **ok..see problem with this is, we don't CARE how you feel about the war. Nobody asked our opinion. Yes our soldiers signed up to do a job and we are prouder than all get out of them. BUT it doesn't matter how anyone FEELS about it, how wrong it is and whether or not WE should be there. They are THERE regardless. Doing their job, just like they volunteered and pledged to do.**

2. If you really want to top it off, follow the previous statement up by asking how we feel about the president.

3. Look surprised and say "I don't know how you do it, I could never LET my husband/wife do that!" *All I have to say to that is%u2026WHATEVER with a big huge eye roll**

4. If she's pregnant be sure and ask if the military is going to send her husband home for the birth. *Sorry Charlie but we are on our own. Yes the military will try to coordinate maybe someone's R & R to coincide with the birth but it is totally hit or miss and up to the soldier's chain of command. So go a head rub a little salt in the fact that they might have to give birth all alone.**

5. Tell her she should really consider getting additional life insurance since her husband has a good chance of getting killed. *WOW good one huh? I actually have had someone ask me if I had purchased extra before. See the thing is, we all know there is that chance but it isn't something that we want to think about or even discuss with strangers, so if you are curious about this, just keep it to your self.**

6. Remind her how lucky she is that her husband gets all that extra tax free money when he is deployed. **ohhh this one gets my blood just a boiling!!! People say this all the time, "oh they are getting all that extra money for being deployed!!" Yeah ok%u2026believe me, it isn't very much and I'm sorry but my husband is worth a lot more than what they pay him. Actually if you figured out how much a soldier works when they are deployed and average it out they aren't even making minimum wage and that's WITH the extra money.**

7. Try to relate to her by saying you know just how she feels because your husband was out of town on business for a week last month. ** Oh yeah? Did he have to wear 90lbs of full body armor and was he shot at??? No?..well then sorry no comparison. This one is sure to get you knocked out in my book, I want to go running and screaming pulling out my hair away from the person who says this.**

8. Ask her how she can be faithful for 15 whole months and if she worries about her husband cheating on her. **Don't' roll your eyes, people ask this. Believe me, it is not at all hard to be faithful when you are in love with someone. My husband has been deployed 7 times, faithfulness has never been an issue. I am just amazed at the fact that anyone would be so insensitive to even ask a question like this**

9. Inquire on whether or not her husband has killed anyone. **Ok yet another one that makes me want to smack someone. I had a lady ask me how I could stand being with a man that has killed people. Well first of all, IT IS A WAR, there is a reason that they carry weapons with them at all times. BECAUSE SOMEONE IS SHOOTING AT THEM! Would you shoot back at someone if they were shooting at you? Of course you would! Use some common sense!**

10. Be sure to ask her when her husband comes home if he is done with the military or if has to go back. *as if you have a choice! Have you heard of stop loss? Some people retire and get pulled off retirement to get sent back to Iraq%u2026.it's because of someone downsizing the military so there isn't enough to police this big bad world of ours! So DUHHHH yeah they are going back (resisting using the word MORON here)**

Ok so I know that I am hostile a little bit when it comes to these things. Normally I put nice flowery things on my lenses but if just one person reads this and DOESN'T say one of these moronic statements to a military spouse then it has been worth it.

Military spouses are under a lot of stress. They are working hard, they are scared and they are lonely. Be kind and think before you speak. If you don't know what to say, then a good " I support our soldiers" will work or a "Please tell your soldier thank you for what they are doing" works too.

Ok I am done with my rant!!