Mirth & Mistletoe

"Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole,
were alleged by the union, to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished without much propriety,
released to the wilds, by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear,
that Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his beautiful sleigh,
because the ruts were deemed dangerous by the EPA,
And millions of people were calling the Cops,
when they heard sled noises upon their roof tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe, had his workers quite frightened,
and his fur trimmed red suit was called "unenlightened".

To show you the strangeness of today's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose.
He went to Geraldo, in front of the Nation,
demanding millions in over-due workers compensation.

So...half of the reindeer were gone, and his wife
who suddenly said she'd had enough of this life,
joined a self help group, packed and left in a whiz,
demanding from now on that her title was Ms.

And as for gifts...why, he'd never had the notion
that making a choice could cause such commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur...
Which meant nothing for him or nothing for her.
Nothing to aim, Nothing to shoot,
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls and nothing for just boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacifistic.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish upon the truth.
And fairy tales...while not yet forbidden,
were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden,
for they raised the hackles of those psychological,
who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone might get hurt,
besides - playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist and should be passe.
and Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled and perplexed,
he just couldn't figure out what to do next?
He tried to be merry he tried to be gay,
but you must have to be careful with that word today
His sack was quite empty, it was flat on the ground,
nothing fully acceptable was anywhere to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might,
give to us all, without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy - with no indecision,
each group of people in every religion.
Every race, every hue,
everyone, everywhere...even you!
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...

"MAY YOU AND YOUR LOVED ONES ENJOY A VERY MERRY KISSMUS UNDER THE MAGNIFICENT MISTLETOE!"

Santa Claus (a.k.a. Kris Kringle) is coming to a town near you.

While there's no snow in Kentucky, there's plenty of hooch to keep him happy in those strange settlements and odd outposts of humanity like Big Bone Lick, Bugtussle, Chicken Gizzard, Crummies, Knob Lick, Lick Fork, Monkey's Eyebrow, Mousie, Paint Lick, Possum Trot, Rabbit Hash and Slusher.

On the other hand, Kris (a.k.a. Jolly Old Saint Nick) is jumping for joy at the prospect of visiting these puckish sort of places: Maggie's Bottom, Sugar Tit, and best of all, Mistletoe where he can wish everyone a "Merry Kissmus"!

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Image Credit: realbeer.com/2006/11/26-santa.jpg

Frankly, the holiday season wouldn't be complete without this merry mistletoe music to rock your socks, tingle your toes, and make you wiggle all over!

And, if you've forgotten the tune...here's a seasonal sample to get you in the mood!

"Oh, by gosh, by golly
It's time for mistletoe and holly
Tasty pheasants, Christmas presents
Countrysides covered with snow

Oh, by gosh, by jingle
It's time for carols and Kris Kringle
Overeating, merry greetings
From relatives you don't know

Then comes that big night
Giving the tree the trim
You'll hear voices by starlight
Singing a Yuletide hymn

Oh, by gosh, by golly
It's time for mistletoe and holly
Fancy ties an' granny's pies
An' folks stealin' a kiss or two
As they whisper, "Merry Christmas" to you

Then comes that big night
Giving the tree the trim
You'll hear voices by starlight
Singing a Yuletide hymn

Oh, by gosh, by golly
It's time for mistletoe and holly
Fancy ties an' granny's pies
An' folks stealin' a kiss or two
As they whisper, "Merry Christmas" to you

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Image Credit: Ron Leishman - clipartof.com/1043999

All those scintillating stories about "mistletoe magic" and "merry kissmus" traditions can be traced back to the ancient Norse myths of Scandinavia:

Apparently this plant with white berries was know as a plant of peace and goodwill in the good old days of the Vikings. It is said that if enemies met by chance beneath it in a forest, they laid down their arms and maintained a truce until the next day.

Well as everyone knows, strange things can happen in a forest full of elves and other wee creatures, so it's not surprising that one thing led to another and the tradition of kissing under the mistletoe probably preceded that other well-known puckish pastime known as "frolicking in the hollyfuds".

But this tradition went hand-in-hand with one of the Norse myths, namely, the myth of Baldur. Baldur's death and resurrection is one of the most fascinating Norse myths and no doubt has a good deal to do with the history of mistletoe as a "kissing" plant.

Baldur's mother was the Norse goddess, Frigga. When Baldur was born, Frigga made each and every plant, animal and inanimate object promise not to harm Baldur. But Frigga overlooked the mistletoe plant -- and the mischievous god of the Norse myths, Loki, took advantage of this oversight. Ever the prankster, Loki tricked one of the other gods into killing Baldur with a spear fashioned from mistletoe. The demise of Baldur, a vegetation deity in the Norse myths, brought winter into the world, although the gods did eventually restore Baldur to life. After which Frigga pronounced the mistletoe sacred, ordering that from now on it should bring love rather than death into the world. Happily complying with Frigga's wishes, any two people passing under the plant from now on would celebrate Baldur's resurrection by kissing under the mistletoe.

Those interested in peeling off the layers of custom and myth surrounding "kissing under the mistletoe," would probably find the naked truth...that this pleasant-looking plant has something in common with ancient erotica. Mistletoe has long been regarded as an aphrodisiac and fertility herb. It may also possess abortifacient qualities, which would help explain its association with uninhibited sexuality.

So, next time you're under the mistletoe waiting for Sir Dance-A-Lot to show up and sweep you off your feet...cool your heels and just remember that:

1. American mistletoe, the kind most often associated with kissing, is one of 1,300 species of mistletoe worldwide but one of only two that are native to the United States. The other is dwarf mistletoe.

2. Twenty species of mistletoe are endangered, so be careful what you pluck from the forest for your next holiday party.

3. Phoradendron, the scientific name for American mistletoe, means "thief of the tree" in Greek. Although not a true parasite in scientific terms, mistletoe comes close, sinking its roots into a host tree and leeching nutrients from the tree to supplement its own photosynthesis.

4. Sadly, the translation of the word "mistletoe" itself isn't very romantic. A few centuries back, some people apparently observed that mistletoe tended to take root where birds had left their droppings. "Mistal" is an Anglo-Saxon word that means "dung" and "tan" means "twig," so mistletoe actually means "dung on a twig."

5. The growth of mistletoe had little to do with the bird droppings, and a lot to do with the birds themselves. Mistletoe seeds are extremely sticky and often latch onto birds' beaks or feathers or the fur of other woodland creatures, hitchhiking to a likely host tree before dropping off and starting to germinate.

6. The dwarf mistletoe doesn't have to rely solely on hitchhiking to find a host tree. The seeds of the dwarf mistletoe can explode from ripe berries and shoot as far as 50 feet.

7. Despite its parasitic tendencies, mistletoe has been a natural part of healthy forest ecosystems for millions of years.

8. Mistletoe is toxic to people, but the berries and leaves provide high-protein food for many animals. Many bird species rely on mistletoe for food and nesting material. Butterflies lay their eggs on the plants and use the nectar as food. Mistletoe is also an important pollen and nectar plant for bees.

9. If you've read through this list more than twice and still no kiss, maybe it's time to head home, hang up your mistletoe, and try again next year.

10. On the other hand, if kissing is in your genes, toss your merry-challenged mistletoe but sit tight until midnight on New Year's Eve, then give them away for free!

Ellis Parker Butler, American humorist, and easily the most prolific writer of the the pulp fiction era whose most famous work is entitled, "Pigs is Pigs".

"I am standing under the mistletoe,
And I smile, but no answering smile replies
For her haughty glance bids me plainly know
That not for me is the thing I prize;
Instead, from her coldly scornful eyes,
Indifference looks on my barefaced guile;
She knows, of course, what my act implies-
But look at those lips! Do they hint a smile?

I stand here, eager, and beam and glow,
And she only looks a refined surprise
As clear and crisp and as cold as snow,
And as-Stop! I will never criticise!
I know what her cold glance signifies;
But I'll stand just here as I am awhile
Till a smile to my pleading look replies-
But look at those lips! Do they hint a smile?

Just look at those lips, now! I claim they show
A spirit unmeet under Christmas skies;
I claim that such lips on such maidens owe
A-something-the custom justifies;
I claim that the mistletoe rule applies
To her as well as the rank and file;
We should meet these things in a cheerful guise-
But look at those lips! Do they hint a smile?

These customs of Christmas may shock the wise,
And mistletoe boughs may be out of style,
And a kiss be a thing that all maids despise-
But look at those lips, do! They hint a smile!

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Image Credit: Ron Leishman - clipartof.com/1043999