A Memory of Miscarriage

Jeff and I had been married a couple of years, when we decided it was about time to start a family. We'd wanted some time alone together to just be a couple before we had children. To be perfectly honest, neither of us were sure we even wanted children prior to our marriage. We decided to go for it when we were 35 years old.

For some reason, I expected it to be easy. I don't know why. One of my oldest and dearest friends had big problems with infertility, so I knew it could happen, I just didn't think it would happen. I didn't have to go through everything she did, and for that I'm grateful. But it ended up taking us about a year and a half to conceive. Month after month, there was frustration, disappointment and sadness.

In February, 2006, I saw a pastor friend of mine that I hadn't seen in quite awhile. To my knowledge, she didn't even know we were trying to conceive. I asked her to pray for me, for anything the Lord laid on her heart. She agreed and started praying a sort of general prayer, then she started to laugh. She said, "Tracy, the Lord just showed me your children, and He told me to tell you, your quiver will be full". Needless to say, I was delighted to hear this and just started to cry. I hugged her, and thanked her and thanked God for His promise. I couldn't wait to share this great news with Jeff.

Three weeks after this took place, I found out I was pregnant. It was estimated that I conceived a week after the prophesy. Of course, I was ecstatic. I couldn't wait to start sharing the happy news, so I didn't. We had waited so long and now, finally, it happened! I thanked the Lord for His faithfulness and started making plans.

This was it. The moment I'd been waiting for. The moment I'd been praying for. I was happier than I'd ever remembered being before. At that time, I truly understood what 'my cup runneth over' meant. At 37 years old, I was finally getting the deepest desire of my heart.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant, everything was different. I was no longer the same person. I felt so privileged to be entrusted with the precious little life growing inside of me. All of a sudden, 40 weeks seemed like such a short time to me. There was so much to learn, so much to do. I started asking questions and reading as much information that I could find. It was my desire to be a good mom, right from the start.

They say that pregnant women have a glow. It seems true that I did. I was told that I did, time after time. In fact, I even felt like I was glowing, or radiating, or simply the picture of happiness. They also say that pregnant women are beautiful. In all of my life, I had never felt as beautiful as I felt at that time. It appeared that pregnancy suited me.

Regularly I was asked how I felt. The answer was always the same. I felt great. As far as pregnancy symptoms went, I was having a pretty easy time of it. The only real symptom I had, was that of being really tired. There was no morning sickness, no headaches or any of the other unpleasant side effects that typically go along with pregancy. Of course, everyone wanted to share their pregnancy horror stories with me, whether it was their experience, or 'someone they knew'. All in all though, I thought I had it pretty good.

During this time, I found out a friend at church was having problems in her pregnancy. That was the first time that I really gave any thought to the fact that something could go wrong. I quickly dismissed the thought though, after all, I knew far more women who had uneventful pregnancies than those who had problems. I understood that I was considered "high risk", due to my 'advanced maternal age', but that didn't faze me a bit. As far as I was concerned, I was strong and healthy and doing everything right, so why worry?

It was during my seventh week of pregnancy that things started to change. I still felt fine. I still looked fine. But things weren't fine. That week I started to spot. I told the doctor and friends and was reassured by all that that was not necessarily a bad thing. Apparently, spotting early in the pregnancy is a fairly common experience. In fact, I was told, some women spot or bleed throughout their entire pregnancy. I was told what to look for and to monitor it, in case it got worse, and if that happened, to notify the doctor.

This went on for several days, with no change. Still, I felt fine. After about a week, I called the doctor to keep her up to date. Again I was told to just keep monitoring and call if it got worse. About a week later, it started getting worse. It was a Friday afternoon, so I made an appointment for the following Monday morning and the doctor put me on modified bed rest for the weekend.

We went to the doctor, they did an ultrasound and said that I was still pregnant and had a 50/50 chance. I was told to go home, stay on bed rest, and let them know if anything changed. I started miscarrying before I even left the doctors office, though I didn't know it at the time.

Jeff started back to work and I went home. I felt awful and tried to call, but the office was closed for lunch. Jeff surprised me by coming home. He said as he was driving back to work the Lord laid it on his heart to come home.

I was really glad to see him. I started to have an awful time of it, with heavy bleeding, awful pain, vomiting and fever with cold sweats. Jeff continued to try to call the doctor, but wasn't able to get through. After about an hour, I couldn't take it anymore and had him call 911. Within 5 minutes the EMT's arrived. When they took my vitals, they got nothing. They put in an I.V. and continued to try to get my vitals. It took them a full 12 minutes to get them. Obviously I was in bad shape and they took me to the hospital.

Once we were at the hospital, we found out that if I had lost any more blood, I would have needed a transfusion. I went through 3 full I.V. bags in an hour. Apparently, I was also dehydrated. Finally, someone was able to get in touch with my doctors office. I was admitted to the hospital and scheduled for a D & C the next day.

With that it was over. At 10 1/2 weeks, my baby was gone.

Never before, had I known heartbreak like this. It didn't help at all, when people kept telling me that this happened to someone they knew, but that person ended up being fine and getting pregnant again. I must have heard that five times before I even left the hospital. I resolved then, to never say anything so stupid to someone who was at the beginnig of their grieving process.

There were so many questions. Why did this happen? What could I have done differently? Did I do something wrong? How could this have happened to me, who did everything right, yet there are drug and alcohol abusing women all have healthy babies all the time? Why did I lose my baby, when there were so many babies being born into unsafe and abusive situations? Why? How? There were no answers.

It was the hardest thing I've ever gone through emotionally. I was both sorrowful and angry. I felt betrayed and rejected by my own body. I started to become fearful. One night, Jeff was out late, and I FREAKED OUT! At that point, to me there was only one possible explanation - he'd had a car wreck and was dead or dying. He wasn't. He was fine, but didn't have a cell phone at that point, so he couldn't call to tell me. He got one almost immediately after that.

I started trying to conceive again immediately. What had previously been a healthy longing for a baby, became an unhealthy mission that I was on. Of course, it didn't happen right away because it wasn't to be in my time, but God's.

About seven months after the miscarriage, I realized that I was angry with and felt betrayed by God too. After all, He could have performed a miracle and saved my baby, He just didn't. It certainly wasn't for lack of prayer on my part. I had prayed like I never had before, for that little life that was inside of me.

I realized that to move on with my life, I had to forgive God. Yes, that's right, forgive God. I know it's usually the other way around, and I know that He didn't do anything wrong, but the forgiveness that we give others releases us from a sort of self-imposed prison.

God comforted Jeff and I the night after my miscarriage, by reminding us that our precious little child was now with Him. This child was being raised by God Himself, and would never know pain, sickness, sorrow or any other bad thing that we experience here on earth. This child would only know love and peace and joy. When I forgave God, I remembered that and I finally believed it. And then the peace came.

Finally, I felt peace. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off me, and I knew that no matter what happened I would be okay. I released my desire to have a family and in essense said, "Not my will God, but Yours". There was such freedom in that. I still didn't know why God allowed my baby to miscarry, but the 'why' didn't matter anymore. And I knew that one day I would be reunited with my child in heaven.

Once I released my desire, my mission, to have a baby, I was able to start living in the moment again. I was able to enjoy my life with my husband again. About two months later, I was pregnant again.

This pregnancy was different. Jeff knew about it two weeks before I did. God told him I was pregnant and he asked me about it. I thought he was crazy. Two weeks later I found out I was. We were happy, of course. We were also more cautious. We didn't share it with anyone right away. When we did share it, people were excited for us. Probably more excited than I was. After going through the miscarriage, I didn't really allow myself to feel the excitement that should have been there.

Another difference with this pregnancy was how I felt and the toll it took on my body. It was awful! I experienced all-day sickness for the first trimester, had terrible sciatic nerve problems during the second trimester which never fully went away. I was unable to sleep a more than an hour at a time during the second and third trimesters, and was borderline preeclampsia. Labor was long and hard, and ended with an emergency c-section because I wasn't dialating and the baby's heartrate kept plummeting.

However,...

My beautiful daughter, Reagan, was born healthy and whole, and I experienced joy like I've never known before. I knew at that moment, she was the promise fulfilled. Every bit of sickness, pain, discomfort and lack of sleep was worth it. I would do it all over again. She is my joy and my life.

When we were going through this incredibly difficult time, we were often asked, "What can I do to help?" At that time we didn't really know. What can one actually do to help another who is dealing with grief? There is no magical checklist to follow and check off to help. There are probably as many needs and ways to help, as there are grievers. The following are just some of the ways to help.

Understand it is real grief ~ Remember, a miscarriage affects the family, not just the mother. The love is real and deep, so the grief is too. While it does affect all members of the family, most likely, everyone will deal with it differently. Understandably, the mother is probably grieving the most and most of the attention will probably be directed toward her, but don't forget the other family members.

Just be there ~ Often, even the most well-intentioned words sound shallow and can be hurtful. Sometimes the best thing you can do is sit with them and listen if they want to talk. Never underestimate the power of a hug. Cry with them if you feel their pain. The point is you show them you care by your presense.

Be a good listener ~ Listen to them when they are ready to talk. Some people may want to talk about it right away, others don't want to talk about it at that time, but may really need to down the road. Don't forget them after a month or two.

Send a card ~ A card or note is a wonderful way of letting them know that you care and that you are thinking of them. It can be a great source of encouragement and support.

Babysit ~ If they have children, take them out or home with you. This will give the parents a break and an opportunity to grieve without having to care for others. This wll also give the children a break and an opportunity to have some fun or get relief from the heaviness that surrounds their home. Be a source of encouragement and prepared to talk to the child if they want to.

Offer practicle help ~ Bringing meals, running errands, doing house or yard work are all practicle things that can help greatly. NOTE: Don't just say "Let me know if I can do anything to help". Many people won't tell you if they have needs because they don't want to feel like a bother or burden to others. If you see a need, fill it.

Many people find music to be both comforting and healing. I am one of those people and listened to these wonderful songs time and again. I hope you find them to be comforting as well.

Held by Natalie Grant
Praise You In This Storm by Casting Crowns
You Never Let Go by Matt Redman