Mother in Law Advice

If you do a search for "Mother-in-Law advice", you come up with a lot of sites with titles that are difficult to read - "I hate my Mother in Law" types along with jokes about Mother in Laws.

from my collection of t's

Though the title "Mother-in-Law" technically refers to the mother of a woman or man, it seems the most intense problems most often happen between a Mother in Law and Daughter in Law. There doesn't seem to be a similar parallel between a Father in Law and his son in law. Surely someone somewhere has done a case study!

Difficult though it is, I find it is helpful to read what DIL's are posting and complaining about as it can shed a light on their interpretation of something we MIL's are.

I read Terri Apter's advices for that reason.

Other advices, even with painful titles, include:

Mother In Laws Unite A place for advice for the Mother in Law that welcomes Mother in Laws ... about the only one I found, after those posted below. This is the place to go for comfort, to share,hear, listen, be heard and to talk with other MIL's. Being kind to one another and to visitors is the rule.

Mother in Law Hell . I've tried posting for advice on here as a MIL, but was ignored. A strong stomached MIL can lurk about and find out what drives DIL's crazy and ask, "do I do that?" However, I'd encourage you not to spend much time here -- there is little compassion or understanding for MIL's as human.

Cafemom is a group online for all moms, including Grandmoms. It was OK until I found that the "welcome" to MIL's is not quite sincere. But useful place to find out what a DIL doesn't like. Identify yourself as a grandmother, not a MIL.

Dealing with Mother in Law Conflict Reading problems others are having can sometimes bring light to something we didn't realize we were doing.

A group ranting on how they hate their MIL's is perhaps not a pleasant place to visit - but a place to explore and question your own behavior.

Baby Boomer as MIL - how to play your new role and if you like that, go to their blog

I just read it, see my review below -- The Mother In Law's Handbook, . Excellent and God knows, we need some kind of a handbook.

My only response to all the DIL's who seem to assume all MIL's were prefabricated and born this way is to shake my head and figure their day will come. Some day they will be a MIL, and despite their efforts to be the perfect MIL, they may discover it isn't so easy to control someone else's perceptions and misconceptions. It takes a lot of work on both sides. Everybody has to make an effort to see the other person as a loving human being, complete with bumps and errors.

A unique card to send to a daughter in law -- the text can be completely altered (so you can send it for any reason, take out or change the greetings.



Happy birthday daughter in law Greeting car.. by Nanas_Alley

Inside front

Inside main

My first reaction when I recently had one of my own DIL's react defensively to me was to site my own innocence, because I know myself and I know my own intentions. But like anyone of us driving down this highway of life, although I have mirrors (for me, that comes from friends since I'm 'spouseless') there's always a blind spot.

One of the things I continually forget is my DIL's perceptions of me. They don't see the me I see -- I don't see myself as a wealth of wisdom in all topics (there are a few where I know a bit). Nor do I see myself as the Head Mama, out to cut anyone down to size. I see myself as just another weary traveler, and when I talk to my DIL's, I'm thinking of myself as me, a friend talking to a peer. I forget that I am THE MOTHER IN LAW. My words may be taken as orders, as superior comments, as 'how you should do this'.

That almost makes me laugh, and it almost makes me cry. I'm only offering my insights - take what you want, and toss out the rest. I've made more mistakes in my 60 plus years of living than you've had a chance yet to make. And mistakes are what we learn from. Also, what might have been a mistake for me might have been right for you, and vice versa. And what was right in 1970 probably doesn't fit anywhere today. Or maybe it's perfect. Who the hell knows?

As much as I try to let my DIL's know me as the mistake ridden human being I am, I think there is still that illusion that the title MIL is taken willingly and that I think it comes with some kind of golden crown. For me, with the nastiness that comes with MIL, I'd just as soon set it aside and be me.

By the time we find out we're going to become a MIL, it's likely that our kids have already left the nest. (Those of us who become MIL's to teen-agers probably have other issues to deal with that can make things a big more difficult) <--- understatement!

At the reception... by Nanas_Alley


But when our young adults leave the nest - in many cases, they haven't completely left. They return for major events - holidays, birthdays, family events. They might call and ask for help, financial or otherwise. There's still that period when they are grown, but not entirely gone.

Nobody really prepares us for the stages of letting go of our young adults when they marry.

A son or daughter's wedding is supposed to be a happy time -- meeting with the new family, dinners, planning, the mother of the bride or groom has a nice new dress. If there's stress, it might be seen as wedding related -- the details of the planning, the cost...

There's also the letting go, giving over the bride to a new family. Less recognized, perhaps, is the letting go of the son to a new family. There may be competition among the families -- where the young family will live, which in-laws have the most financial help to give to them.

The giving over and the changes don't end with the wedding.

And, as with many transitional events, sometimes you aren't even aware you're going through them until you're halfway through, or you look back and realize how things have changed. Going through this transitional stage without any awareness could be loaded with a lot of the MIL tensions.

In my untrained and yet somewhat grief processing experienced eye, I'd see these stages like this:

1. Denial -- the family may expect that the new couple continue to show up for Sunday dinner with the rest of the family. Mom may expect to be part of the decision making on new curtains, or Dad may think he should be asked for advice when it comes to financing on a new car. The new couple are seen as "the kids", still an extension of their original families and may even act that way for a good amount of time.

Eventually, that will come to an end -- decisions are made without consultation, a Sunday dinner is missed once, then twice, then it becomes a rarity because there are other things that are preferred or need to be done.

2. Pain and disbelief - perhaps some accusations of the same - may be the reaction. How can they exclude us? Why don't they appreciate what we have to offer? How can they make these decisions without us, separate themselves from the family?

3. Anger - overt or covert - may be the original family reaction to this.

4. Bargaining is in here too. Whether with oneself (I'll try harder) or with the 'kids' by providing paid for family vacations or tagging along on the new couple's outings.

Perhaps somewhere in here is where some of us get stuck, not recognizing that the structure of the family is now changing, that our roles have changed, that their roles have changed.

When the grandchildren come along, there's another regrouping and we may try to edge in and fit ourselves in as we think we fit -- what may be lacking in any of these situations is a discussion of the new roles.

In my own case, I had a lovely and large period with my two oldest sons who both married in their early 30's. There were times when we'd go to movies together, go on short trips, hang out. That has changed now that they have families, and it's been a shock to me. In the new dynamic, I'm more often the babysitter so a son can go out with his wife for a much needed one on one 'date'. My relationship now is with my grandkids more than my sons. Their relationships are now with their wives. They don't call me for advises, we don't have lengthy and fun discussions about business or movies or poltics although I may be included in those they have with their wives. Of course, in any child's life, we parents are 'backdrop' - as they grow up we become less so, but when they marry, we are still 'backdrop' to their spouses. As it should be.

But for those of us who are single or whose relationships are perhaps not giving us quite what we need, perhaps it is more difficult to recognize and gracefully go through the process of letting go.

I found some nice Mother in Law Cards and put together a nice selection of cards for mother in laws - and a couple to send daughter in laws, too in Nana's Alley here . Below are just some samples!

MOTHER-IN-LAW mother's day card by trish1958

For A Special Mother-in-law by MyZazzleCards

Sun Moon Stars Marvelous Mother-in-law Gift by mothers_day_gifts

Mother's Day Cat & Dog Greeting Card by jamiecreates1

Millie's Halloween Nightmare by Nanas_Alley
See other Mother in law Posters