My Favorite One-Liners

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

Is it possible that oysters don't give to charities because they are shellfish?

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

AOL for Dummies" is kind of redundant, don't you think?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Streakers *repant* your end is in sight.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

Veni, Vidi, Velcro' - I came, I saw, I stuck around.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

9 out of 10 doctors say the 10th doctor should mellow out.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A pessimist counting his blessings: 10 ... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ...

A skeleton walked into a bar and asked for a beer and a mop.

Age and knowledge don't always come together. Sometimes you just get the age...

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.-Steven Wright

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Be alert - the world needs more lerts.

I was wondering why a frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets......and then it hit me.....

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.....

I read today that 10 out of 2 people are dyslectic......

My father was a man of few words and I remember him saying to me "Son.......

I really like what mechanics wear.....overall.....

I don't think I got the job at Microsoft....they didn't respond to my telegram.......

I used to be a mime.....but now I can talk about it......

I manufactured clown shoes.....which was no small feat...........

What is the big deal about train spotters.......I counted 27 of the losers today........

I want to write a mystery novel.......or do I?.......

I was a trapeze artist.....but I was let go........also was a trampoline salesman....off and on.....

I failed math so many times, I can't even count........

Regarding my family....I'm the youngest of three....my parents are both older.......

You're looking at a very proud Canadian who is very proud of the educational system in Canadia.......

I quit my job at the helium gas factory....I refuse to be spoken to in that tone....

I have mixed-race parents.....my father prefers 100 meters.....

My father is schizophrenic, but he's good people.......

The pollen count......now that's a difficult job

What's that up the road? A head?

Today's subliminal thought is:

Ways to Relieve Stress #10. Make up a language and ask people for directions.

Question: What goes 'clip-clop, clip-clop, clip-clop, BANG BANG'? Answer: An Amish drive-by shooting.

If I repeatedly stab my cornflakes does that make me a cereal killer?

"They say that guns don't kill people, people kill people. But I think the guns help." Eddie Izzard

"It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake." Chris Addison

If you want a pretty nurse, you got to be patient.

Ladies that live in glass houses should dress in the basement....

"The large print giveth, and the small print taketh away." -- Tom Waits

Daddy, Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C: mean?

The Atheist Society is a non-prophet organization.

It's not the minutes spent at the table that makes one fat...it's the seconds.

Definition of a pickle: A cucumber soured by a jarring experience.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap....

If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it.

No husband has ever been shot while loading the dishwasher or vacuuming the living room carpet....

A balanced diet is a chocolate cupcake in each hand.

Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are the flexible for they shall not be bent out of shape.....

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.