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Help me! My girfriend earns more!

sherridan by sherridan

A third of women earn more than their partners

Yesterday, I had a successful female client who recounted how her husband had been put out because she earned more than him, albeit by only a few pence! Why in this day and age, do men still feel emasculated by having a higher-earning partner? Is it just that they are more competitive and 'alpha', or does it run deeper than that? Is it simply that, traditionally, men have been the main-breadwinners and they have not caught up with the spirit of feminism? Many of my male clients still baulk at the idea of potentially being the home-maker, even though their personality and circumstances could support this reversal of the traditional role.

Nowadays, in about one in ten families, a house husband looks after the children and chores while their female partner works full time. The 2010 Women and Work Survey, found 40% of women believe earning power would impact who takes on the role of primary carer. However, it is noteworthy that 10% of the women in this arrangement actually admitted that this role reversal had put strains on their relationship and in some instances had even led to break up!

Nearly one third of women are now the primary earners, with almost 20% earning equivalent to their spouse, yet several previous clients have come for advice because they wanted to be able to match their partner's status and salary, and felt unworthy of their girlfriend's affection, even though they had actually been successful in their own right.

My ex was proud of my success and never jealous of my earning power. Why? He says that he was chuffed I brought in a good income - we were on the same team, but bringing different things to the relationship. We had different strengths. He is a magnificent practical worker; he can mend, fix or make absolutely anything. He put in our bathrooms and kitchen, welded railings for the front wall which he built, installed two fireplaces and a log-burner (which he restored first), laid victorian tiles in the hall and real wood flooring throughout. He fixed the tiled roof and put on a new roof and skylight on the kitchen, in additon to converting an understairs cupboard into a loo. I wonder whether it is these tangible contributions which enabled him to not feel threatened - he could literally see his input? There have been found to be gender differences on the 16pf personality measure - men tend to rate themselves more objective, so they typically value tangible, measureable results and rewards as confirmation of success more than women.

Who holds the purse strings?

It has been also been suggested that there is the "Purse strings" element - whoever has the money pulls the strings, so there is an issue of control here as well as self-worth. However, the Association of Consumer Research 2004 found that women earning more are not, in fact, more controlling. They concluded that men were just more concerned about the meaning of their income when they earned less (more consistent with the issues pertaining to self-worth and adequacy).

The research found that the higher-earning women actually contributed less in decision-making around the house. Perhaps, their sensitivity enabled them to understand that this could cause problems and to deliberately avoid seeming dominant? Indeed, the marriages were even deemed more stable. Again, the conclusion was that women (who may be naturally more empathetic) try harder and are sensitive to their husband's possible negative feelings. On the other hand, I wonder whether they may have been suitably partnered with less 'alpha' types (the partner would therefore be less controlling rather than them more so), or perhaps, high-earning/career women tend to marry later in life and have the maturity to get it right?

Of course, women can also be uncomfortable if they do not have their own money. The Women and Work Survey 2010 of 2k women, found nearly half of full-time mothers disliked not earning their own money, and two thirds of the mothers wanted to keep working in some way after having children (with a slightly higher number of those with under threes fancying some part-time work - perhaps because they were less resigned to the situation, or maybe because they felt a little bored?).

Do you earn more or less than your partner?

Does it bother you?

Are you male or female? Do you earn more or less than your partner? How does that make you feel?

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I am fine with it - why?

Auntiekatkat says:

It is our money, not mine or his

sherridan says:

I am female and earned more. I never thought about his v. my money - it was all our money - so it was never an issue. He was not bothered either.

It bothers me - why?

 

Men feel intimidated

Psychology Today 2004 published results of a Match.com poll. They found that 62% of men said that they would not be reluctant to date career women, but 74% of women respondents thought that the men would be intimidated!

A recent client did not feel initimidated by his girlfriend's meteoric career progression. He had a reasonable but not overally demanding job and felt that their relationship worked well because he loved to cook and was happy to take greater responsibility for the household chores. Unfortunately, cracks started to appear in the relationship. His girlfriend began to see him as less of an equal, he felt, and after over ten years together, she seemed to lose all respect for him; she picked on and belittled him, at home at first and then increasingly in public (she did not have anyone else and did not want children or want to be the home-maker herself). He overcompensated by being increasingly protective, accommodating, nurturing and supportive (more 'female'?), which put her off further, until she finally announced that she no longer loved him and they split.

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer & finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid's outfit & a police woman's uniform he finally decided.....
"If she can't hold down a job, she's not for me!"

Trophy wife

Professional and successful males used to look for pretty women who were well bred and good cooks, but a different type of 'Trophy Wife' does seem to be emerging. It seems that power is just as much an aphrodisiac for males and they are going for status through 'peer marriage'.

Research suggests that there may be a difference in second marriages. When young, they are happy to have someone to build with, but perhaps having been 'stung' when the first marriage went wrong, status and economic equivalence is more in their mind second time around (when they have more to lose and when they need an impressive partner for functions). As stated, men value tangible things, and a well-paid wife can help them achieve this. It would be interesting to see whether there were any differences between working and middle classes. Are high-earning, educated and successful men looking for different things in a partner?

Feminism has taken the sole-breadwinner burden from the male just as most men now expect and appreciate women to contribute on dates. More women work and the number of women out-earning their spouse is increasing. With this softer 'age of psychology' it is becoming more acceptable for the husband to be a home-maker/child-carer, so one might expect men to be more open to having their wife as the main bread-winner too.

However, one client of mine had originally been blown away by his wife's success and was still totally in awe. She was a fantastic catch, he felt. She had no problem with earning more than him, but although very successful and well-paid himself, he constantly felt unworthy and not good enough for her. He judged his worth in tangible terms. She did not. In spite of money issues being reportedly even harder to discuss than sex (money is not romantic - think of the embarrassment and sensitivity of prenuptial agreements!), they had discussed it, but he felt no better and he wanted to be told how to find a job which would make him her match. He is certainly not the only client who has felt this way in spite of modern attitudes - just Google 'My girfriend earns more than me' to see how this is a recurrent internet trend!

Books about High-Earning Women

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  • Digs Feb 14, 2012 @ 6:47 pm | delete
    I saw a post on the internet once where the guy was asking whether he should dump his girlfriend because he had dicovered that she earned more. People were defending the girl and saying it did not make her a bad person.....no.....it makes him a twat to even be considering it!
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sherridan

Sherridan Hughes is a chartered psychologist specialised in career assessment, analysis and counselling - a proven career catalyst. After previous liv... more »

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