My Name is Sandra, I'm a Survivor

My story of incest is not that much different from what many childhood sexual abuse survivors go through. The effects of childhood abuse in adulthood are often a life-long struggle for survivors. Major depression and post traumatic stress (PTSD) is common. I didn't sleep for weeks at a time and when I did fall alseep I would often be woken up by nightmares. During the daytime I couldn't concentrate because my mind kept playing out the scenes of the abuse.

When the flashbacks were really intense, I would have body memories where it felt like the abuse was happening to me all over again. The PTSD was so bad that I often blacked out for a few seconds, which was kind of scary. I spent close to two years of my life in this crisis state.

Getting well wasn't easy. The depression knocked the energy out of me and the lack of sleep affected my ability to concentrate, or think rationally. I had to simplify my life down to the basic accomplishments. My goals for each day were: 1) get out of bed, 2) get dressed, 3) eat, and 4) walk. It sounds simple enough, but almost impossible for those who are battling depression and PTSD.

I did seek therapy, but unfortunately I was too sick to realize how much damage this therapist was having on my recovery. My red flag should have been the night I tried to take my life because my therapist's voice was in my head telling me how messed up I was and how much I hurt her feelings. It took me two years to understand how this therapist was repeatedly re-traumatizing me before I changed therapists.

Much of my journey of how to get over being molested as a child, has been learning about the effects the abuse has had on my life. I still have body memories, but at least the nightmares are fewer now, and for the most part, I sleep better. I know now how important sleep is to my well-being, so when I'm having trouble sleeping I use sleep medications.

My feelings of worthlessness are a daily battle and it doesn't take much for me to convince myself that I'm a useless person. I get defeated easily and am frequently overwhelmed to the point where I can't cope. Much of what I do to stay on the track to wellness is accepting that I can't take on the world at this moment, and allowing myself to forgive what I see as my inadequacies. I try not to compare myself to others because that gets me wrapped up in the self-talk about how I have no useful purpose in life.

Some people do recover from PTSD, but others go on to suffer for years. There isn't any cure for it, and most of the help is aimed at managing the symptoms. I have frequent, intense fear responses daily. Now that I know what my triggers are I can manage them better, but sometimes they hit me out of the blue. I have different intensities of triggers where at times, I am frozen in fear for around 20 minutes and other times the trigger is so bad I end up in bed, in an almost comatose state, for a few days. Learning about these triggers has been a major step for me. Honestly, I thought I was normal and everyone went through what I do. Finding out that my experiences weren't normal was life changing for me.

I learned to turn off my emotions and numb them during the abuse. It's what abused children do to survive. As an adult, I'm still numbing my emotions. I can cry a bit now, but for the most part I'm still quite numb. I also dissociate and when I have to face the trauma in therapy, I "leave" the room. Most people experience a form of dissociation when they can't remember the drive to their destination. Children who are abused use dissociation to "leave" their bodies during the abuse as a way to cope with the horrific things that are happening to them. I'm still learning to stay present in my life, and I'm getting much better at it.

The biggest jump I took in going forward with healing was volunteering with an organization that educates about sexual abuse prevention. Becoming a facilitator of their prevention program has been the most rewarding experience for me because I feel like I'm helping stop this epidemic. It is my hope that no other child will ever have to go through what I did. I teach people how much sexual abuse hurts, the devastating life long effects it has, and how to prevent it.

Many people are quite shocked to hear that the statistics for sexual abuse are 1 in 3 girls, and 1 in 6 boys, will be sexually abused before the age of eighteen. And those are just the reported statistics. The actual numbers are believed to be quite higher due to the secrecy that surrounds it. Most children who are abused don't tell until they are adults, and some, like me, keep the secret for years.

Teaching sexual abuse prevention has been beneficial for me in so many wonderful ways. I've never thought myself much of a public speaker, so can't tell you how rewarding it is when people ask me to come back to teach another session, or specially request that I be the one who does their training. I get so many nice comments on my evaluations that I am a dynamic speaker, personable, and empowering. For someone who has felt all their life that their voice was never heard, this is quite amazing to me that I am in such demand as a speaker and people want to hear what I have to say.

I produced a video, My Name is Sandra, as part of a survivors project to speak out about abuse. The video was hard for me to put together especially when I was scanning my childhood pictures. I had to watch it over and over as I was assembling it, and then I had to post it on YouTube. Yikes! At first, I could only bring myself to let the survivors in the group see the video, and then I took the leap and showed it to some of my friends. Then, before I knew it, people from all over the world were viewing it. Somewhere along the line it got picked up by a newspaper journalist, and a talk show host put it on their blog. I saw people sharing it on Facebook as well. I was also honored when the video was featured on the front page of the Journal of Hope and Healing.

I've received so many wonderful comments about this video. Many people say they cried, and most describe it as very powerful and moving. I am flattered that people have been so moved by my story. The success of the video in bringing attention to the devastating effects of sexual abuse, has gone beyond my wildest dreams. I've had survivors contact me and tell me they've found the strength to speak about their own abuse after seeing my video. This makes my heart sing.

I've had some sexual abuse support agencies express interest in showing the video as part of their education program and I am thrilled they want to use it. My dream is that one day someone will ask to use it in a sex offender program. Plus I'd be even more excited if I was ever invited to speak about it.