My Battle With Panic Attacks

I'll get right to it. I was happy, independent, carefree, and 21. I loved the dark, horror movies, spontaneity and most of all my personal space. Life was great. Then one day it came for me. I was with my cousin in her dorm room and BOOM. I was dying. Please understand that I wasn't thinking I might die, I WAS dying. I was having a heart attack at 21. The discomfort was beyond belief! What was happening? My heart was running a marathon and I felt that if this continued it would surely explode. I couldn't make myself comfortable as hard as I tried. Sitting too long or standing too long or even trying to walk this off was a wasted effort. I even said my goodbyes by looking out the window and conversing with God . I was begging him not to take me yet; so young and unfulfilled. If it wasn't for my cousin telling me to clam down, that I was having a panic attack and not a heart attack I really could have given into this 6 hour long ordeal.

It didn't get any better from here on. I really did die that night. Well, at least the me I was. When I went to the doctor she confirmed my cousin's diagnosis. I had had a severe panic attack and now I could start taking drugs to control my handicap. This was mortifying for me. Me, the person who never took aspirin for headaches would now depend on some foreign substance to control this faceless monster which had raped me of my life. I was losing touch with my fearless self and was being forced to acquaint myself with this new life of fear.

The insomnia started. I was most vulnerable when it was night time (maybe because that's when I encountered my first attack) and slept with the lights on. If I fell asleep by some miracle, I would wake up stunned and scared with another panic attack. I didn't want to be by myself, yet I didn't want anyone around. No one understood what I was enduring and I wasn't really inclined to describe it either. When I would try, just talking about it would bring on another panic attack. I refused the drugs and began my journey of self loathing. I wasn't strong enough, how could I ever be who I used to be? This new me was weak and always fearing the next attack. When? Where? Why? This was my thought process for over a year of my life. I mean I couldn't even shampoo my hair as this would force me to close my eyes thus making the tub and shower curtain encapsulate me in a claustrophobic cocoon which would cause yet another panic attack. I'm not even claustrophobic! I was just plain spooked all the time.

I had accepted that this was my life from now on. If I missed a day of an attack well then break out the bubbly, but when it came for me I would try to concentrate on doing or thinking of things which would calm me. After suffering so many attacks I had managed to discover some things that would distract me from focusing on the attacks itself. I just couldn't take it anymore. Y'know when you've hit rock bottom and have nothing to lose? That's where I was. I found my strength in that realization. I was tired of letting this thing, which was clearly a mental battle, dictate my life. I wanted to take control of my life and decided that I was going to challenge this demon and conquer it once and for all. I would defeat the panic attack on my terms and without drugs at that. After all this was all happening in my head and I was the puppet master here! I still feared the attack, but my new found determination to vanquish this evil was stronger. I started challenging my strength by deliberately putting myself in situations which would cause me to panic. Different people have different triggers and I knew mine well. I started timing all my attacks and would do everything in my power to will them away by controlling my breathe and heartbeat.
The more I did this the shorter the duration of the attacks lasted and this brought me self confidence and also to an epiphany. I was allowing myself to live in fear by giving into fear, but fear of what? I still don't know, but I knew that this is something that can be determined/willed away and I was hell bent on making this happen.

I wrote about this because I wanted to share my experience with those who suffer, have suffered or know someone who is suffering panic and anxiety attacks. This is a very real disorder that doesn't get understood too well. In saying that I also firmly believe that drugs can perhaps control it, but not cure it. This is a mental battle and you have to use mental techniques to get rid of it. I am an advocate for natural ways to eliminate disorders/diseases and believe that understanding the root cause of anything will greatly benefit the cure. That's why I highly recommend observing the link I have added in my story. I agree with the presentation, research and education that they have on their site.

Firstly I don't suffer from panic attacks anymore (touch wood) and secondly because when my attacks appeared (12 years ago) the internet was not the phenomenon it is today nor were there computers in every household. I couldn't really research and frankly I was too depressed to care. I recommend this site because it's reflective of my "mind over matter" belief and also because it's a natural and self empowering way in which to deal with your anxiety and panic. Our mind is very powerful piece of equipment and this information helps you realize and more importantly utilize that.

Thanks for reading my story and make sure to view the information here. I truly hope you all have peaceful mental health!