LOVE IS IN THE AIR 

"Love is in the air ... please pick up a freshner." (Photo credit/insert: Artist - Susan Mrosek)

WHAT'S CRAZY CUPID UP TO? 

Do I look like the Saint of Suck-It-Up!

Shhh...that's the sound of nobody caring what you think!

The Masked Man of Merry-Making?

Oh for pity's sake, stop showing off!

Listen up, don't give me any grief!

Cupid ...on a coffee break?

He may have wings but he's a lousy shot!

Terrorized by a trio of twits?

Don't mess around with the slings & arrows of outrageous fortune.

Wanna see my Happy Feet!

FRIGGING FEBRUARY 14TH FINALLY ABOLISHED! 

After exhaustive consultation with eminent cardiologists as to whether the incidence of aching hearts increases on Valentine's Day, a Royal inquiry into the patently politically-incorrect remarks made by a cherub calling himself "Cupid", and some ripsnorting recommendations from Solictor General Lord Boo-Hoo, on how to curb the multitude of misdemeanors and February faux pas committed by lovelorn lads, a decision has at last been made.

Her Royal Highness, Queen of Healthy Hearts, (and Goddess of Giggling Grapes in the nation of Graceland), has recently come up with a pithy proclamation to handle the passionate problems associated with celebrating a day of connubial bliss.

Why not simply abolish this traditionally festive occasion? After all, it was organized way back in the Third or Fourth century by pagans looking for a good time. Then a Greek God named "Pan" (a.k.a. God of Herds and Crops) showed up looking for a way to cash in on the festivities by paying having some fun with fertility. Not to be outdone by their predecessors, the Romans had to find a way to keep the roving wolves at bay given the plenthora of vestial virgins running around -- which is why they came up with Juno the Fructifer (or Juno Februata), Goddess of Women and Marriage to keep the lads in line. As if that wasn't enough, 14th century Popes got into the act thinking that if they invented "A Patron Saint of Love" (St. Valentine), that men would would avoid running amok in a world filled with tasty apples, evil snakes, and wily wenches.

Clearly it took a woman of courage, like Queen Healthy Hearts, not to mention a few shots of eau d'vie under her belt, to end set the record straight and put an end to the mess that muddle-headed men had obviously created!

Needless to say, this daring decision was warmly welcomed by the "Mothers of Children Who Did Not Receive Valentine Day Cards", "Chocalohics Anonymous", the "Dead Flowers For All Occasions Society", "Pucker-Powerless Parents", "Ban Beauty Queen Pageants!", and the "Unwed Wicked Witches Collective".

Greeting card companies, candy manufacturers, spas and florists have responded to this alarming state of affairs by declaring February 14th, "Be Kind to Klutz's Day", (in the fond hope that random acts of kindness will be extended to the less fortunate folks of the world).

YOUR FAVORITE TACKY OR WACKY VALENTINE TAGLINES! 

VITUPERATIVE VALENTINE'S VAULT 

Need we say more?

A Day for Dinosaurs and Dodo Birds!

Who say's I haven't got a heart?

It's Grow a Boyfriend Day!

I don't do etchings!

Ouch...It's Voodoo Valentine!

No wonder the language of love is confusing!

The heart of a couch potato!

The heart of a Love Monster.

What happens when you hang on too long!

AND NOW A WORD OF ADVICE FROM MAXINE 

If you're looking for love in all the wrong places and friends describe you as the "most adorable black hole of need", forget about writing to "Dear Abby", she's kicked the bucket! So get with the program putz!

Talk to the Goddess of Gripe (not to mention Grin and Bear It!)...Maxine -- she's got all the answers you'll ever need (and then some)!

Never at a loss for colorful words, she'll give you a piece of her mind whether you like it or not. After all, what's a granny with attitude supposed to do slip into something more comfortable like a coma? Get a grip buster?

If the thought of frigging February 14th is getting you down because no one has sent you a blinking hugs and kisses sort of schmaltzy card ...Maxine reminds us that sassy sirens don't do swan songs (even though they might have reached their sexpiration date!).

"Life is too short to dance with ugly men."
(And, if truth be told, animal companions don't really cut a mean rug either.)

"I'm hitting the escape button but I'm still here!"
(So, maybe it's time to nix that online dating subscription you've got that's costing you an arm and a leg ...besides those profiles are full of ugly men).

"Life is all about ass:
you're either covering it,
laughing it off,
kicking it,
kissing it,
busting it,
trying to get a piece of it,
behaving like one,
or you live with one!!!"
(Yup, that about sums it all up!)

"If love is in the air...
It's nothing a little disinfectant can't take care of...sorry boy".
(Moral to this story, don't mess with Maxine! She may be old but people who look like [her] always win the lottery."

Frankly, she's nobody's fool, for she knows that "if love is like a bowl full of cherries, they come with too many damn pits...so, try fruit of the loom!

YOUR LOOKS ARE LAUGHABLE! 

LITTLE LINK LIST FOR FOXES & FEMME FATALES 

QUIPPING QUEEN

When Quipping Queen gets grumpy after listening to pathetically passionless poems recited by her cockamammie courtiers, she throws them candy kisses as a reward for their lamentable love-sick efforts to amuse her on February 14th.

GLORIOUS GLOSSARY OF SNIT

Frankly anyone who throws "hissy-fits" knows all too well what happens when a man forgets to send a mushy card, buy a box of chocolates, or bring her a bouquet of roses on Valentine's Day!

VINTAGE VIXENS

If these sassy sirens and hilarious hussies spilled all their secrets, they'd probably make St. Valentine blush!

YELLING IT LIKE IT IS!

And now a word of advice from the politically-incorrect Goddess of Gripe on what to do if 'love is in the air'?... Use insect spray honey... best way to get rid of any nasty little buggers I know!

TANTALIZING TWINKLE TOES

Have a heart and wear a pair of Happy Socks on February 14th...(oh so many to choose from)!

A LUDICROUS LITTLE LOVE POEM

For a wench who's getting tired of waiting for Sir Galahad to sweep her off her feet (or under the rug as any good Carpet Knight would); for a "Lady of the Lake" wished Sir Walter Scott knew how to fit her with the proper life-jacket instead of writing wimpy poety; or, a moxie moppit named "Bellibones" who thinks that Sir Walter Raleigh should grow up and quit moaning about "Farewell False Love"!

IS LOVE A LOST FISH BISCUIT

On February 14th, rent that marvellous murder mystery, "A Fish Called Wanda" and whet your appetite with this pescatorial plate.

THE LADY AND THE CHOCOLATE

Edward Monkton's Gallery is full of delightful diversions...including one about "The Lady and the Chocolate" and "The Beautiful Frock".

BITING OR BITTERSWEET?

Modest Mavens know when to serve Mirth Mints (when everything else is going to heck in a handbasket).

INTIMATE INVESTING

Femme Fatales know that when the charm wears off, they can always rely in intimate investing to increase the value of their pucker-power portfolio.

CURIOUS HOW COURTING HABITS HAVE CHANGED?

Courting just isn't what it used to be in the good old days.

CRANKPOT CUPID CORNER 

Dear Cupid

by Julie Ortolon

The hapless and the hopeless will find this a welcome addition to their bathroom bookshelf.

Amazon Price: (as of 05/13/2008)

Four Stupid Cupids (The Hamlet Chronicles)

by Gregory Maguire

With four stupid cupids in the picture, who says a young wench can't fall in love with a frog and a TV set?

Amazon Price: $5.99 (as of 05/13/2008)

Myth-O-Mania: Nice Shot, Cupid! - Book #4 (Myth-O-Mania)

by Kate McMullan

For those who've never heard of a bunch of Greek Gods named Aphrodite Eros, Psyche let alone a Head Honcho named "Hades"!

Amazon Price: (as of 05/13/2008)

Cupid's Arrow: The Course of Love through Time

by Robert J. Sternberg

A psychologist's attempt to prove that the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune have little in common with a cherub named "Cupid"!

Amazon Price: $25.20 (as of 05/13/2008)

Cupid Doesn't Flip Hamburgers (The Adventures of the Bailey School Kids, #12)

by Debbie Dadey, Marcia T. Jones

Find out if Cupid doesn't flip fried filet mignon then who the heck does?

Amazon Price: $3.99 (as of 05/13/2008)

TITILLATING TRADITIONS GONE AWRY 

Plucky paramours may think they've got Valentine's "in the bag" in North America.

Clearly all they have to do is to impress "the belle of the balls" is to buy a schmaltzy card, a box of low-carb chocolates, or a dozen long-stemmed red roses (not the fake kind), now how hard can that be!

While some penny-pinching porkers think that they only have to remember to buy gifts in December, Cupid shows up on February 14th armed with lots of bows and arrows to remind him that the gift-giving tradition must be extended not only to significant others, but also to female friends and family members, plus bodacious bosses or cute classmates.

In Japan however, prospective Lotharios and femme fatales may find "Valentine's Day" a bit of a lover's letdown. February 14th was historically another ho-hum day in which the men eat and and enjoy themselves until 1958 when someone decided to purchase oodles of chocolate in an effort to either seduce or satiate their sweet tooth.

Valentine's Day can however be a bit of a minefield as one incompetent inamorato found out when he gave his baffled bethrothed a handerkerchief...the hidden message behind the gift, "I don't love you, so dry your tears honey."

In Iceland, where the sun don't shine in winter, you'd you better have a long candle of course, (to keep the love light burning bright or you won't even be able to find her let alone give her a box of chocolates, a bouquet of flowers and a Valentine's card!)

In Norwich, England some traditions from Victorian times never die. Every February 14th, a curious character by the name of "Jack Valentine" (a.k.a."Old Father Valentine" or "Old Mother Valentine"), often disappear into thin air after knocking on doors and leaving their gifts (filled with good cheer or simply full of pranks). A few years ago, residents woke up to Cupid's coming to find biscuits stuck with heart stickers to their doors, gates and cars.

BATTY BOOKMARKS FOR PUCKER-POWERED PARTY POOPERS! 

THE MEANING OF LOVE...FROM THE LITTLE ONES! 

If grownups have trouble figuring out what love is and where to find it in the right places, then maybe they should seek the wisdom of wee bairns:

"When you fall in love, I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)

"Yesterday I kissed a girl in a private place...we were behind a tree." (Cary, 7)

"On the first date, most people tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Mike, 9

"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)

"Falling in love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)

"Lovers hold hands to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

THE FUNNY THING ABOUT LOVE ... 

The Funny Thing About Love Is...

by Lynn Chang

It might just make you laugh instead of cry on Feb. 14th!

Amazon Price: $8.95 (as of 05/13/2008)

Love Stinks: Selected Quotes on Jealousy, Revenge, and Betrayal

by Gin Sander

For jaded jezebels and jest-in-time joy-stickers!

Amazon Price: (as of 05/13/2008)

The Hell with Love: Poems to Mend a Broken Heart

by Mary D. Esselman, Elizabeth Ash V?lez

A great gift for those who appreciate pathetically-passionless poetry.

Amazon Price: $10.17 (as of 05/13/2008)

How to Stay Bitter Through the Happiest Times of Your Life

by Anita Liberty

Frankly, who needs boatloads of bliss anyway?

Amazon Price: $11.16 (as of 05/13/2008)

Kiss-Off Letters to Men : Over 70 Zingers You Can Use to Send Him Packing, Mess with His Head, or Just Plain Dump Him

by Erica Dankoff, Muara Johnston

Who says women with attitude don't have fun?*!

Amazon Price: (as of 05/13/2008)

RIPSNORTING REMARKS FROM THE LOVELORN LOUNGE 

thomasz I like this lens. 5 stars to you. Posted February 13, 2008

BABYKITTY Very Funny!! Finally someone who thinks like me. Keep up the good work. Posted February 06, 2008

Evelyn_Saenz Your lense always make me laugh. I'm sending you some virtual Valentine's Day Adjectives and Heart Shaped Waffles for such a great Valentine's Day Lens. Posted January 30, 2008

KimGiancaterino This was a fun read! Lensrolled. Posted January 23, 2008

fanfreluche Well done!! 5 stars. Feel free to drop by my valentine lens: French fashion designers valentine day stamps Posted January 16, 2008

 

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