My Fat Spouse

Telling Your Spouse (The Soft Way)
By Brothercrash, a member of the former My Fat Spouse forum.

I think that as time has evolved in my situation, I've learned some lessons that I'd like others to gain the benefit from. Hence, I am writing this guide to bringing it up with your loved one as a FIRST TIME APPROACH. I'll also include my list of WHAT NOT TO DO and tenets of support. Yes, you are going to have to play a real role and work at this to make it work. But your relationship is worth it, isn't it?

Some clarification before we begin on why I think I can help you. Let me tell you why I am uniquely qualified to speak on the matter before you read the whole article. Also, while I am not a certified counselor, therapist or psychologist;

I believe that the recommendations that I'm going to suggest are reasonable and in fact productive. You may wish to consult other posts to determine the correct course of action for your personal situation. My recommendations come from roughly a decade of helping people at varying stages of fitness, my own struggle with injury and weight gain, and helping loved ones drop weight and get healthier. I'm in the trenches. I've fought this battle several times already and come out successful in most cases.

I work in pharmaceutical sciences in the area of endocrine disorders, although I also work in other treatment areas as well. My background in solid science and my chosen career are directly related to healthcare. And while I am NOT a doctor, I work collaboratively with the medical community on these issues everyday. My position requires that I continue to keep abreast of the latest developments, studies and theories.

I do not have a website, I don't charge for the personal training I continue to do today, nor do I write novels or books for a living. Everything I do, is pro-bono when it comes to helping other individuals. I'm a fitness professional and pharmaceutical researcher, I am not a journalist with a few cherry picked articles under my belt. Nor am I someone who obtains their information from fitness magazines promising 6 pack abs in 6 weeks.

At the end of the day, remember this "YOU are the one who must live with the results of your efforts and only YOU can judge the situation accurately for yourself."

Take my advice at your own personal discretion.

First Time Advice:

Maybe they have started putting on weight. Maybe they were getting fit when you first started the relationship, and you thought that they'd continue. Perhaps they have asked you "Does this make my butt look big?" or "Do you still love me?". Maybe they are morbidly obese right now and you have never brought it up. The following suggestions and points to consider may be able to guide you to successful first time intervention.

1) Independently take stock of the situation.
How long has this been going on? What has changed? Is this a slow creep or is it sudden? What is going on in your life and the life of your partner?

Why ask all of these things? Because, simply stating there is a problem does nothing for you. Ever been at work and heard those whiners and complainers go on and on about how unfair or unrealistic something is? But they don't ever sit down and think about solutions or what is contributing to the problem? Irritating isn't it?

Understanding contributing factors DOES NOT mean accepting excuses. It means that you must understand the situation to correct it.

Slow slide vs. Fast Slide:

If it's a slow slide you're in luck and is usually easily corrected. The average person can gain 14-15lbs over the course of a year by simply taking in 140 extra calories a day. That's a single candy bar, a can of soda, a pack of cookies or a snack pack of Doritos chips a day.

Small changes really add up. Cutting out a single unhealthy snack can bring them back into balance. But it won't cause them to lose the weight. Nor will simply walking 30 minutes a day. It's more complex than that. But you should read my post on taking the weight off for advice on that. Right now we're only going to focus on bringing it up and doing it successfully.

If it's a fast slide, then you need to seek medical advice. Rule out hormonal and other disorders. Thyroid, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (highly prevalent in women), insulin resistance, graves disease and other endocrinological disorders are often culprits for instant weight gain. The good news is that once they are treated, your partner can make some progress. It might not be as quickly as you'd like, but with consistent effort most things can easily be controlled or taken care of. For example, people with PCOS are very often insulin resistant, but one of the medications for it is metformin or Glucophage. Both are oral diabetes drugs that assist in insulin uptake within cells. Hence, energy can be used instead of stored.

What has changed?:

Knowing what has changed in your lives regarding your health is critical to bringing it up. Are you both busy? Did you just have another baby? Did she just have a baby? Are you strapped for time? How much of what you eat is controlled by your situation? Did you start skipping breakfast? Are you eating more fast food and cooking at home less? Has exercise disappeared from your daily routine? Is your partner getting enough sleep, water, and healthy food in their diet?

All of these sound like gimme questions. But they are not. They will help you identify the situational causes for the weight gain. Simply saying, "They pig out" or "They live on the couch" isn't going to do much to change your reality. You need to determine the underlying reasons for it.

For example, depression and stress can both lead to inactivity and overeating. Food is a coping mechanism for many individuals. Food is comfort and reassuring. People who are depressed withdraw and are unlikely to engage in physical activity, or go out into the world unless they have to.

Eating junk food is an easy fix. Not scarfing McDonald's because it's convenient is easy to circumvent with packing lunches. Hey it was good enough for you when you were going to school and besides, lunch boxes are so much cooler now.

Depression! Are you serious?:

Depression is a whole other story. Obesity is a very ego deflating condition. People who are depressed are hard to get to acknowledge the problem. Stigmas are rampant about people who get treated for depression. And of course, most of the medications also lead to weight gain, with the exception of a few like Wellbutrin which is known for actually helping with weight loss. But I encourage you not to take my word for this, and discuss options with your physician.

If a person is legitimately depressed, it may be due to situational factors and stress or it may be a chemical imbalance that needs pharmaceutical treatment. Keep in mind that many women suffer from post partum depression. If she's had a child recently, or even within the last few years she could be battling the chemical ravages that her pregnancy caused.

Incidentally, there is a body of evidence that indicates that in many exercise is as effective as pharmaceutical intervention. This story was published on Harvard University's Medical site, referencing a study done:

http://www.health.harvard.edu/newsweek/Exercise-and-Depression-report-excerpt.htm

I think it's a must read for those who are trying to deal with this situation. If your partner is depressed, you need to be sensitive to their challenges and mind set. It is often one of frustration, hopelessness and insecurity. You'll need to address the situation of an obese person as a WHOLE person mental and emotional before you'll see any positive gains (or loses in this case).

2) Ask yourself what YOU want to accomplish and the best way to do it.

Many people act/speak before they think. How many of us will spend hours practicing a company speech, rehearsing it in front of the mirror until our body language, tone and delivery are perfect? When you were going to ask you spouse to marry you, how often did you rehearse those lines in your head?

I'm going to guess a lot. So it's why I think that is why it's SO very important to think about delivery before you bring it up.

Here are my tips:

1) Go out and vent your frustrations someplace private where no body can hear you. The fact is that if you have anger, aggression or frustration in your voice they'll immediately go on the defensive. YOU have to be balanced and ready to have the conversation with them.

2) PREPARE. Find a quiet place and write down your key speaking points. Organize your thoughts. Make sure that the list and thoughts are not ever compromised or discovered. It'll blow up in your face. Key talking points will keep the conversation on track.

3) Find the RIGHT TIME. Just because that moment feels right for you, and you feel you can't hold it in anymore doesn't fix your situation. It sabotages you. See TIP #1 above. In confrontations, you'd be ill advised to bring the subject up at a bad time. If they are stressed or tired, in danger of losing their job, their dog died, their friends or family are sick, etc. Then that is NOT the right time! Don't be discouraged. I'm sure many of you are saying "There is never a good time! There never will be a good time! Why wait?!". The answer is simple. Because you should only fight battles you can win.

A case in point The Afghanis forced the Russians to give up and leave their country. They didn't win instantly. They never engaged the Russians in open direct battle when it was unfavorable for them. They bided their time and waited for the right opportunity. They were relentless and refused to be conquered. Their country was bombed into the stone age. But they lived free.

You can read the rest of this article by cutting and pasting this address into your browser
http://myfatspouse.bravehost.com/BrotherCrash.html

Acceptance...

by Jean. a My Fat Spouse Forum User

How to tell if your spouse really accepts him or herself - and if he or she doesn't, how to bring the subject up.

I stepped on the scale yesterday and saw that I was sixty-nine pounds down - only twelve more to go to get to my goal weight! Yahoo! Hmm%u2026how best to mark this achievement? Well, there was one thing I needed to do that I'd been putting off: packing up those clothes that are now impossibly big for me and delivering them to the church donation bin.

I admit that this is something I've been putting off, for a couple of reasons: first, I was scared. What if I get fat again? But this is a defeatist attitude that my COE support group encourages us to leave behind. Do your damn-level-best to NEVER get fat again, to NEVER let food control your life again. Let the clothes go! The other reason has to do with my cheapskate nature. Losing another twelve pounds will put me down another size, so I really don't want to go out and buy new clothes until I'm where I should be. I mean, what's the point of getting new clothes now, if they're only going to be too large in a few months?

As it turns out, though, I don't have to. I went through my closet and found a number of garments I'd been holding on to - enough outfits leftover from my "pre-fat" days to see me through to my goal. Surveying the new pile on my bed, waiting to be washed, ironed, and put back into circulation, pleased me. But it also made me realize something.

Frustrated spouses post on this site because they don't get support elsewhere. A common complaint seems to be that they are "flamed," or attacked for their attitudes, and told that they should "accept your spouse as he/she is."

Accepting people for who they are is a good thing to do, yes. But does your spouse accept herself as she is? If not, should you be expected to do so?

Your spouse may claim to accept herself as she is, but there is a way to see if she really means it - and if she doesn't mean it, then you have a great opening for bringing up the issue: just look in her closet.

I'm serious. Look in your spouse's closet and check if there are outfits in there that you haven't seen her wear in years%u2026outfits she CAN'T wear anymore, because she's "outgrown" them. If there are, you then have the opening you seek: ask her whether or not she accepts herself the way she is, and if so, why is she holding onto those size ten jeans when she's been wearing eighteens for at least a year?

I don't about men, but that's a hard thing for a woman to do. My mother had a "two-year rule" - that is, if you haven't worn the article of clothing in at least two years, chances are you never will again, so you might as well get rid of it. Now there are exceptions to this rule, of course: timeless formal outfits that you don't wear too often, but are good to have on hand for special occasions are one; seasonal clothing that weird weather hasn't permitted you to wear is another.

A year ago, my closet was populated with clothing I couldn't get into: pants that about cut me in half if I tried to fasten them, blouses that strained the buttons across the bust, tops with short sleeves that cut into the meat of my upper arms. But that timeless silk blouse went perfectly with that tweed skirt; those faded jeans were my favorites for hanging around the house on rainy days; that sweater was one I work on my first date with Shep; and he could hardly keep he hands off me when I work that tank top. Not to mention all those beautiful things he got me last Christmas - he has great taste.

More than that, though, getting rid of my "thin" clothes seemed like an admission of defeat. To do so would have been like saying, "I will never lose the weight. I will always be fat. I am trapped in this obese, unhealthy body. I will always be this out-of-control person that I have become."

Not a pleasant prospect. So instead, I did what many fat women do: I put those clothes toward the back, vowing to get back into them "someday." Then I bought a few, cheap outfits that actually fit to "see me through" until "someday" happened. I didn't want to spend money on myself as I was, so I quit having my hair done, using that expensive perfume my mother gave me for my birthday, and neglected the state of my nails. I think that's probably how a lot of obese people begin to get into the habit of "letting themselves go" - it's not that they've given up, but that they're biding their time.

"Someday" doesn't just come, though - you have to make it happen. So ask your spouse - what are you waiting for? If you truly accept yourself as you are, give these clothes away to someone who needs them. If not, let's tackle this problem so you - we - don't have to deal with it anymore.

Don't wait.

Does the idea of having sex with your fat spouse really get you excited?
With the exception of a few people with "fat fetishes", having sex with your
fat wife or husband either feels obligatory, or meets the bare standard of
releasing you're pent up sexual desire. The overweight partner has even
greater issues when it comes to sex, which often goes beyond the
psychological. The desire to have sex with a trim sexy partner isn't a
fabricated Hollywood myth; the science behind sexual interest in fit
bodies is real and has been confirmed over and over, it is undeniable to
a reasonable person.
Body types figure strongly in what gets people turned on sexually, this results from fact that we are hard wired to find healthy mates who are more able to bear, and subsequently take care of offspring. Studies show that there is a stronger correlation for men finding females attractive according to "BMI" than the much vaunted Waist to Hips Ratio (i.e. sexy curves). The "ideal" BMI peaks around 17 or 18. The attempt to qualify this obvious conclusion, as "media brainwashing" is delusional. The "fat acceptance" movement seeks to force people to be find overweight people attractive through politically correct pressures. This effort is doomed to failure because it denies the biological nature of sex and reproduction. An attempt by a wife or husband to guilt, or attack their partner for desiring a sexy mate, is just as doomed to fail.

In addition to being considered unattractive because of excess fat, an overweight spouse can often times have an aversion to sex, for several reasons. Physical and emotional issues are both factors in this aversion to having sex. Nearly 50 percent of those seeking treatment for obesity said they sometimes, usually or always felt NO desire for sex, compared to just 2 percent of those who were not obese. About four out of every 10 treatment-seekers reported physical problems with sex, according to a Duke University study. When it comes to a couples sex life the data certainly supports "fat isn't fit!"

The good news is that even with moderate weight loss, the sex in a relationship can improve. A wife doesn't have to fit back into a wedding dress in order for her to have new gained sexual confidence, or for her husband's interest to be piqued. Information from the same Duke University study also indicates that weight loses as little as 10% resulted in more bedroom confidence, and better sex.

One of the sad, but almost comical aspects obese sex, is the sheer mechanics of it. At a certain weight some fat people simply can't get their genitalia together in order to have sex. It is hard to imagine for most of us, but for many obese, instead of using this as a wake up call to lose weight, they simply avoid sex all together. The fat acceptance, online publication "Dimension Magazine", has actually published a guide with suggested positions for the obese to work around their blubber in order to have sex. Reading this article produced by the "head in the sand" people is actually kind of entertaining, maybe a little gross. After reading this, one has to ask the question "Why not simply lose some weight and not have to deal with this issue?"

For many wives and husbands married to an overweight spouse most of this information simply confirms what you have already experienced. Choosing to be overweight in a marriage is not a simple aesthetic issue, which the thinner mate needs to learn to get over. There are proven emotional, biological, and physical reasons why it impacts the sex life of a marriage in a negative way. If you are the thinner spouse in such a relationship don't be intimidated into believing your desires are simply unrealistic whims of a "shallow" spouse.