A Happy Marriage

Before I learned how to have a happy marriage, I had to go through two bad marriages. Why two? Because after the first one had failed, I jumped into a new relationship without truly having learned from the first one. My only excuse is that I was just happy to be away from my ex-husband and husband #2 came on like Prince Charming in the beginning.

My first mistake was getting married at the age of 19 after dating him (husband #1) for four years. The second mistake I made was thinking that getting married would make the relationship better.

The relationship was bad before we took our vows and it only got worse. My first husband was psychologically abusive. However, I didn't know that was the issue; I thought that everything I did was wrong. After six years of marital distress, I'd had enough. I left.

Six months later, however, I met another man who swept me off my feet and proposed to me. I didn't really want to get married, but I accepted and we moved in together.

After four years of psychological and physical abuse I finally got a clue. We were only married for the last 21 months of our relationship.

I had gotten involved in a women's support group for domestic violence, and learned what I had failed to learn after the first time around the block. I got my head on straight, as it were.

I learned what a relationship shouldn't be and what I didn't want it to be. I learned how not to make the same mistakes again. I learned how to be myself and that I was a pretty good person too.

Armed with this knowledge, I made a list of things I did not want in a relationship. Here is my list:

alcohol (both exes are alcoholics)
yelling
name calling
grudges
possessiveness
violence
belittling
humiliation
infidelity
dishonesty

I found it easier to get the things I needed and wanted from a relationship once I had clearly defined, to myself, what I did not want.

Now I can say that I have been deliriously happy in my third marriage for going on 15 years. So what is different? Well, my husband and I have been friends for 30 years. We talk to each other like equals. We make decisions together and when we don't agree, we don't argue about it, we discuss it, or agree to disagree.

We have clearly defined our roles and expectations. But, I would have to say that the biggest reason we are still in love with each other is because we let one another be who we really are. We have never tried to change the other, because there is no desire to change the other. If you think that the other person in the relationship needs to change in order for you to be happy, you are with the wrong person. Changing a person and growing with them are not the same.

I can't say that there aren't things that drive me crazy about him, but I can say that they're not important enough to make a stink about. I realize that they are just a part of who he is and he is the man I love. I'm sure I drive him crazy sometimes, but it doesn't show. We do not yell at each other, nor do we fight.

We treat each other with respect. That is a big one. After all, how can you be in love with someone you have no respect for?

We allow each other to spend time doing the things we enjoy, even if they are things we do not have in common. We don't have to be joined at the hip.

We do not attempt to control the other either. Marriage is not about control it is about partnership. My husband and I are partners in the truest sense of the word. We do not speak for the other unless we have conferred with each other on a given subject. In other words, we are not joined at the cerebral cortex. We think for ourselves always.

In my opinion, many marriages end in divorce because of unrealistic expectations, immaturity, and selfishness. That and the fact that getting divorced is fairly simple. People are not as motivated to work things out because it's easier to just get out.

Now granted, it is always the right thing to do to just get out when the relationship is abusive. Abusive people seldom change their ways and getting out is usually a matter of safety.

In short, our key to success is that we don't pretend to be people we are not and we go out of our way to be good to one another.

As individuals, we are always changing, but those changes are the result of growing together.

We met 30 years ago, as teens. We dated on and off for about two years, then decided to just be friends. We went our separate ways, but kept in touch over a period of 17 years. I wrote to him often and even sent him a birth announcement when my oldest was born.

When I divorced the first time, he came to see me. He had already been living in Colorado for a couple of years at that time, so his visit was significant. He drove 1500 miles to see me.

Thirteen years ago we took a chance, you and I;
Upon your return, my heart gave sigh.
You bet it all on me, and I
On you -
On a love persistent and true.
Though years had kept us apart -
We were never strangers to the other.
In faith we made our start,
We took our first step together;
I have never truly wanted another.
We were destined to be;
A love like no other.
You and me -
Forever and Always...

Then in 1996, he called me from Colorado and about 10 days after my second divorce he showed up on my doorstep. We have been together ever since.

He stayed with me in Wisconsin for six months and then we packed up and moved to Colorado together.

In 1997 our son was born; on Thanksgiving Day, as a matter of fact.

Love
Honor
Trust
Honesty
Kindness
Devotion
Mutual individualism
Fidelity
Respect
Communication

These are the basis of my spectacular marriage.

No, you don't have to be carbon copies of each other, but there are some very important areas that you should have in common, because if you differ in these areas, you are looking at a bumpy road ahead.

Religion
Politics
Children (want or don't want)
Children (raising them)
Financial goals (who is going to make the money and how will it be spent)

These are areas that cause problems for many, and the dominant reason that many couples argue. Personally, I think religion and money are the two biggest problems. People typically don't discuss these things until after the wedding, or at the very least, while planning it.

The Biggest Difference Between My Husband and I Is...
also the best way we compliment each other.

He is tall and skinny and I am not. All kidding aside, I am down right chatty and he is a World Class mumbler. He is very intelligent, but introverted. I, on the other hand, am extroverted and love conversation and debate. I am outspoken and he is softspoken. We are a perfect fit.

After 12.5 years, we are still happy and in love.

Taken 08/15/2009
We were in a photo booth set up for the guest book at his niece's wedding. That is why we are looking up and part of the top of Jeff's head is missing. He was too tall to sit straight up for the shots.