10 Ways to Rid of Annoying People

So that annoying neighbor, colleague, relative or acquaintance does not get the hint that they are driving you crazy? The simple solution is to be direct, honest and politely ask them to leave you alone, quit clipping their toe nails at work, or stop talking so loudly on their cell phone.  But where is the fun in that? Use any or all of these techniques to your advantage during your next encounter. Your annoying acquaintance will most likely think you are crazy, leave you alone and tell all of his/her annoying buddies to steer clear. It's a win-win all the way around the horn.
In my experience here is the best way to approach the situation. The next time, "Bob" comes up to you and says, "Have you heard about my cat's eye infection" or "So are you going to get serious about buying some life insurance from me?" just reply:

Hey Bob:

1. Don't you think the government should reclaim Indian reservations from the Native Americans? We could use the gaming revenues from their casinos. These folks have had an easy ride for too long, the party's over. Let's call our state representative right now, I'll tell her you're in favor of this movement too. How do you spell your last name again?

2. Bob, I'm collecting money for a new charity I just started. It an Anti-Arson Fund. It helps recovering arsonists like myself to suppress their urges. In completely unrelated news, if you are having a hard time selling your house, I can make that problem disappear for a small fee. Oops, there I go again. Why am I so fascinated with fire? (twitching helps to really helps in making this one convincing)

3. Bring up the movie "Brewster's Millions" as a response to any question he/she asks. Example, "So, can you watch my cat this weekend and put in her eye drops 6 times a day?" Response: "Do you think Brewster still has any of his millions left over? Brewster is the coolest guy ever. Brewster, Brewster, Brewster!"

4. Interrupt their question/comment by asking them a simple math question. "8 x 4?" Uh, 32, why did you say that? "Oh, I guess your not as dumb as I thought." Repeat this process for as long as they are willing to tolerate.

5. Respond to any question that they ask with a quotation from an incorrect source. Oscar Wilde once said, "It aint over, till it's over." Does that answer your question? Increase your crazy factor by getting both the person and the quotation wrong. Winston Churchill once told the people of England, "Ask not what you can do for country, but what your country can do for you." Does that help you with your situation, Bob?

6. Argue that unemployment is high because people are simply lazy. Deny any recession and follow up with, "What are you going to tell me next, that the moon landing wasn't staged? You gullible fool!"

7. Speak in the narrative. "As Bob approached me, I couldn't help but hide my disappointment. Not only was he extremely annoying, but his breath smelled of week old Indian food.  If I have to overhear another dumb cell phone conversation about his fantasy football team I may need to drop kick him."

8. Tell Bob that you have come down with a bad case of narcolepsy. Close you eyes and start snoring immediately.

9. Ask if Bob has any input on the fan letter you are preparing for Bernie Madoff. Explain that he needs our support now more than ever.

10.  Repeat the word, "snarf" until they stop what they are doing that is driving you crazy.  Repeat if necessary.