Successful Parenting

It amazed me (and still does with my grandchildren) at how young my children began to develop their own personality. The first thing you need to learn is that your children will not be just like mine, your nieces and nephews, or your neighbor's or friend's children. If you have more than one, they won't even be like each other. Each person on this earth is created individually, there are no cookie cutter people. You may recognize characteristics of your spouse, your parents, your siblings or even your self in your children, but they are still very much individuals and when we come to terms with that fact, it helps immensely.

Within just a few weeks after their birth, you'll begin to notice their personality and as they grow (even at age 24), you'll look back and see those personality traits and smile. One of the keys to raising great kids is balancing they way you allow them to develop that personality while still helping them become productive individuals. What some parents don't understand is that it begins at birth.

Every moment of your child's life is a moment they are learning. Every action you take is an action that teaches. You can't change their personality, but you can influence and train them how to use that personality. One of your greatest jobs as a parent is to help them understand that you love them regardless of their personality. It's a huge challenge to help them discover that you love them regardless of their BEHAVIOR, while teaching them that you won't tolerate bad behavior.

It is impossible to love your children too much. You can't give them too many hugs or kisses. There's no such thing as too many positive words. You'll never have too much time to spend with them. They'll never outgrow their need for you to help them with hard projects and while you can give them too much materially, small precious gifts will show them how much you love them. Throughout their lives, but especially in these first few years, touch them, talk to them, smile, speak positively and encouragingly.

Remember that the tone of your voice and your actions speak much more emphatically than the actual words you say. Even the way you interact with others influences the way your very small child views his or her relationship with you. If you treat someone wonderful to their face and talk about them behind their back, it won't take your child very long to wonder if you feel the same way about them. Your child may be small, but he has a tremendous capability to learn. If you have a bad temper, you may have to learn to breathe before you speak or count to 10. Don't get me wrong. Having your child see you get angry isn't a bad thing. It's helpful for them to learn that you can be angry and still love them. The fact is, I don't really get mad easily, but my husband does. The girls learned that fact early, but in addition, they learned that dad loved them. When he did get angry, they never doubted his love. It's not necessary to mask true feelings with your children. They'll need to learn how to deal with people who are angry in life. It's just MOST important that they learn how much their parents love them.

So, the first rule in raising kids is help them know you love them. I've discovered a wonderful book in the past few years. I wish I'd read it when my kids were little. I highly recommend Dr. Chapman's "The Five Love Languages of Children." (Check out links below to buy it) He has another for couples I think would be great for you to read first if your kids are under the age of five.

We didn't have much money when our girls were little (or most of their lives, for that matter). A lot of people in my situation would have looked for a career or at least a better job to make ends meet. My husband and I chose to make raising our daughters a higher priority than making a living. Not that I never worked outside the home, but we made our life decisions on what would be best for our children.

If I had to do it over again, the only part of our child raising decision I would change would have been to wait a few years to have our kids. We were just barely 18 and broke. Our first years were rough since we both had to work and Steve was in college. So, if you have to work because otherwise you can't feed your child, let me tell you some of the things we did.

First, we made a decision not to have a second child until we could afford for me to be a stay at home mom. I know that's probably hard if you really want a big family, but I truly recommend it. We also made some decisions about what it meant to be able "to afford" to be a stay at home mom. For instance, we never took any real vacations when our kids were small, and we didn't buy a lot of extra material possessions for them. We didn't eat out much. The kids wore a lot of hand-me-downs. This was our decision. It may not be yours. It's not the popular decision in today's world; however, it is a viable decision.

We even were forced to be on food stamps for a short time; however, we stopped using them as soon as we were able, even while we were still eligible. Why would we do that? Because everything we do teaches our children something. We've never wanted our kids to think that a handout was an acceptable option as a permanent means of making a living. By our actions they learned a valuable lesson.

So, despite our economic situation, my husband and I applied rule #2 to our family: Try your best to be with your children as much as possible. Bringing us to Rule #3: "you are your child's number one teacher."

If you've even contemplated raising children, you probably already know that these first few years are the most important in your child's development. Maybe you're overwhelmed just thinking about it. It's imperative that you begin to settle in your mind that YOU are your child's teacher. It doesn't matter whether you ultimately choose public, private or home schooling. You don't need fancy books or curriculum. Every moment in your life is a teaching moment.

From their first diaper change you can teach your children. Count every snap, talk in full sentences whenever possible, sing ABC's in the car. Don't panic if your child doesn't talk or crawl as soon as your friend's child. Remember that your child is an individual, so unless your pediatrician sees some developmental or hearing problem, don't panic, just keep teaching them.

One of my girls cried nearly every moment she was awake until she was about nine months old. We took her to the doctor several times, and there was no medical reason for her screaming. Not even the infamous "colic." I always said she was bored. I know most people think I'm crazy, but as strange as it may seem, the more she was able to do on her own, the less she cried. When she learned to roll over, it was better. As she learned to crawl, the tantrums became bearable. When she learned to walk, the screaming was over.

One of the things she had to learn was that no matter how much I loved her, her screaming was unacceptable. She was a baby, too tiny to do much in the way of traditional "discipline." But each time she screamed, i would cradle her for a while and try to calm her. If after 10 minutes or so that didn't work, I took her into her room, laid her in her crib and shut the door. I'd check on her from time to time to make sure she was all right, but since I'd already determined it wasn't medical and it wouldn't hurt to allow her to just cry, I gave myself permission to "send her to her room." Not only did it teach her that her crying wasn't acceptable, it kept me sane!

Something that is important to remember is that a child is never too young to learn. I did not experience the typical "terrible twos" with my girls, but looking back and seeing others who did go through that stage, I think part of the problem is that some parents wait until their child is two to begin to teach their child the behavior they expect from their children. When the rules change all of a sudden, kids will rebel, even at the age of two.

Even at this young age, you can teach your child that "no" means "no." When one of my girls was just barely talking she wanted some candy. I said no. She got a piece anyway, opened it and put it in her mouth. I immediately got up and made her spit the candy out and moved the dish out of her reach. Don't forget to remove temptation whenever possible.

We did remove temptation, but we didn't completely "child proof" our home. Things that were dangerous were removed as were our valuables. Other trinkets and musical instruments were left within the children's reach. These few things gave us opportunity to help our girls learn they weren't allowed to touch everything in sight. They discovered early that there were boundaries, including some of their siblings toys. This made it much easier to take our girls to the homes of our friends and families.

You don't have to have a regimented schedule to teach your children the things they need to know before they reach school age. You don't even have to send them to pre-school. We used every car trip as an opportunity to learn to talk and communicate. We sang and counted everything. As we did laundry, we counted washcloths. My girls were matching socks by the time they were three or four. They dried every piece of plastic in the drainer and fed the dog before they started school. As they were discovering the basics of math and reading, they were also learning responsibility and life skills.

Just by incorporating learning into everyday experiences, each of my girls could write their alphabet, read on about a 1st grade level, count, and do daily chores by the time they started Kindergarten. My oldest could even make her own bowl of cereal before she was five. These first years are crucial. Helping your child know that you love them, the basics of academics and how to begin to take responsibility will make for a great foundation.

The Five Love Languages of Children
By Gary Chapman

Yes, these years are the most fun. The kids are out of diapers, they can communicate with relative effectiveness, and if you've done a good job in the past three or four they have a great self-esteem and think you are the most intelligent person on the planet. Don't worry, all of those things have tremendous potential to change very soon, so you might was well enjoy these days as much as you can.

During these years, our family just continued to build on the foundation we'd set before. Helping the girls know how much we loved them and teaching them responsibility were still our two main objectives. It's just that the way we did it was a bit different. Our girls had "chores" from the time they were old enough to walk and talk. As I said earlier, they matched socks and dried plastic at a very young age. As each of the girls turned about 5 years old, they were responsible for feeding the dog and clearing the table. Before they got into middle school they understood the principle that with privileges come responsibility.

You might ask, "But what is a privilege?" In our home everything beside the basic survival needs was a privilege. Television, computers, friends, parties, desserts, snacks, phone calls and the like were considered privileges. And each year around their birthday their responsibilities changed or increased. They went from folding socks and dusting to feeding the dog, from cleaning their room to folding towels. We sometimes used charts and stars to help them remember and other times the fact that if the chores didn't get done they couldn't have friends over was enough to keep them motivated.

I think one of the things that more parents need to wrap their brain around is the fact that your child only NEEDS food and drink, a bed, enough clothing to be able to be clean everyday and your love. Sometimes as parents we're tempted to think our children HAVE TO HAVE the latest and greatest, but we discovered (partially out of our financial situation) that our girls really were much more well rounded and appreciative of everything they received because they didn't have an "entitlement" complex.

So many children (and adults) today think that they are "entitled" to material possessions. They believe that everyone should have brand name jeans and shoes as well as every toy that they see on television. As I said in the last section, children learn by example. We didn't trade our cars in every couple of years and at least one of our vehicles was generally more than 10 years old. Our clothes were hand-me downs and from sales racks. For Christmas and birthdays we usually got each other and the girls only things they needed and maybe one "splurge" item. They learned from a young age that any "non-essentials" that they wanted, they could save for. We never gave the girls allowances, but occasionally when they would do more than their chores demanded, we'd give them some extra spending money. They knew they needed to save their birthday money and any extra funds they got if they wanted something special. Our oldest bought her first boom box and 10-speed bike with her own money. Today all three of them are better money managers than my husband and I.

We always allowed our girls to choose their own friends. Sometimes they made bad decisions, sometimes good ones. Our role in their interaction with those friends was the supervision. When they chose friends whose parents had standards similar to ours, they were allowed to spend nights. Those whose families had a different set of values were allowed to come to our house, but seldom would the girls be allowed to visit their homes especially for overnight.

During these fun years one of the greatest things you can teach your child is to have a strong character. Integrity is one of the most valuable strengths they can acquire and truth is key to a character of integrity. We used these years to help the girls learn the importance of telling the truth.

I am a stickler for the truth. There are no grey areas. Anything other than the whole truth is a lie. The girls learned early on that any punishment they might get as a result of doing something wrong would be doubled should they lie about it and I find out later. The truth didn't keep them out of trouble, but it did keep them from double trouble.

I've heard it said that integrity is "doing the right thing even when no one is looking." It's during these years, before they hit their teens, that it's the easiest to build integrity into your child's character. When our middle daughter was in first or second grade she was at a softball game with my husband at a church league. I wasn't able to go that afternoon, so when he was on the field, the other mothers watched the girls. One of them told me later that she had offered a sucker to our daughter, but she told the other mother she wasn't allowed any candy because she hadn't finished her lunch and we'd told her nothing till dinner. She could have taken the candy. No one would have known but her that she'd disobeyed. Steve was busy playing the game, I wasn't even there. But she was learning integrity. I can't say she displayed that quality in every instance for the rest of her young life, but she passed the test that time and that meant she was developing a strong character.

In helping our children develop character I promised myself I would not lie to them about anything. I didn't lie about Santa Claus when they asked, and I told the truth about babies being born when my oldest was about 7. Always telling the truth doesn't mean you have to give them more information than they can handle at their age, but it does mean answering every question they have in the most honest way you can. If you want your children to trust you in the difficult teen years, they'll need to develop that trust while they're still in grade school.

During these formative years, we were also pretty strict about what the girls could and couldn't watch on television. Violence and bad language were always forbidden as were shows that demonstrated disfunctional families and pre-marital sex. For instance, we didn't watch "Married with Children," "Ninja Turtles," or "Power Rangers." In fact thier friends' parents commented that when the music for "Married with Children" would come on, the girls would say, "We're not allowed to watch that show." And although we really didn't have a lot of internet surfing going on when they were young (because of it's limited access back then), they knew I would regularly check the history and they'd better not be someplace they weren't supposed to be.

Another of the benefits we had because I chose not to have a career was my ability to be at the school a good bit with the girls. Now, don't get me wrong. I wasn't one of those super-moms. I wasn't ever homeroom mother, and I didn't make it to everything they ever did. (They'll tell you that when they got into High School, I even forgot to pick them up after band once in a while) Yes, when the girls went to school, I did go to work. The difference is I didn't decide on a job by what it paid. Part of my employment requirements was the flexibility to be there when my kids needed me. I made it to most school concerts and plays. My employers knew upfront that I'd be coming in late or leaving for an hour the day of parent lunch. My goal was to help the girls see that what was important to them was important to me.

We were very fortunate in that we had both sets of grandparents living close by during these early school years. If we'd have had to pay for a sitter everytime we wanted to get away, it would have been really difficult. But we did leave them from time to time. Maybe you're wondering what difference that made in raising our kids. Well, I believe it did several things. First of all, it made us better parents because we could appreciate them even more because we had time away from them. Second, it helped them realize that we were people, too and we deserved to do things that we wanted to do. It's good to help your kids see that the world doesn't revolve around them. They need to learn to respect you, your time and your privacy.

I recommend that by the time your children are five they learn that when the bedroom or the bathroom door is closed, those rooms are off limits. My shower was my time and no one was allowed to disturb that unless there was blood involved. There wasn't anything that couldn't wait until after my shower. Don't be afraid to set boundaries for your children and expect them to respect them. Teaching them to respect you will teach them to respect others which in turn will build and develop that character that I mentioned earlier.

From age four through ten are definitely the fun years, but if you do it right, you can set yourself up to avoid some of the worst moments in the pre-teen and teen eras. Enjoy your children. You'll be glad you did.

Click here to find Games, DVD's and other Fun Stuff for you and your kids

The Love Languages of God: How to Feel and Reflect Divine Love
By Gary Chapman / Moody Publishers
Whether you're talking to God or he's speaking to you, there is one specific way to experience him most significantly. Do you know what it is? Having helped millions discover their primary "love language" in human relationships, Chapman now teaches you how to tap into divine love---and revolutionize your ability to love others! 240 pages, softcover from Northfield.

We were blessed with girls. What that means in our home is that we had hormones racing for at least 12 years! During the middle school years, boys and girls alike are beginning to try to figure out who they are and who they want to be. They don't want to admit they need their parents, but they do. They need you more than even you know.

I really think that teens and pre-teens still need our hugs, but most don't want them (or act like they don't want them). Because the hugs sometimes made them uncomfortable, we found ourselves giving fewer and fewer. Fortunately, my husband loved rough housing with the girls, giving him excuses to hold them tight in a wrestle type hold while they laughed and joked. It wasn't exactly a hug, but the physical contact and the laughter helped the girls receive the attention they needed while avoiding the embarrassment that extra hugs would have given them at this age. If your children will accept the hugs, give them generously, but if not, I recommend creativity.

It was during these years that our girls began to truly fight with one another. When they were small children they had spats over toys and their "space," but as they got older they seemed to become more disagreeable with each other. I think the arguments were a mix of hormones and personalities as well as "life" that was happening in our extended family. When they were in the midst of their unpleasantness, I tried hard not to take sides. It wasn't always possible, but one of the lessons I wanted the girls to learn was that it takes two to fight. The first person can pick a fight, but the fight doesn't happen until the second person reacts. There are times when it's necessary to defend oneself, but for the most part, especially in a family, it's good for children to learn that arguing isn't an acceptable solution to a disagreement. We generally would allow the girls to attempt to work out their differences on their own by the time they got to this age. Perhaps you're wondering how we decided to intervene. I wish we had some wonderful piece of wisdom to share with you here, but the truth is, our involvement was more out of selfishness and maybe even laziness. Our cue to step in was when we didn't want to listen to the arguing anymore. Of course, by this age the girls knew that physical contact during an argument was entirely out of the question, so we didn't have to deal with too much of that, but someone biting or hitting would also cause immediate intervention. When we did have to intervene, all of the participants would receive the same punishment. We didn't even listen to who started the altercation. It didn't matter. As soon as the second person struck back (even verbally), she was part of the problem. The lesson "it takes two to fight" is one that even a few parents could probably stand to learn.

The middle school years are also the time when the schedules begin to get busy. Only one of our girls was really into sports, which seem to have a more hectic schedule than other extra-curricular activities. For the most part, the girls were allowed to be in one or two activities outside of school and church at a time. For instance, marching band and 4-H or Girl Scouts, piano lessons and basketball. Two many extra activities puts a lot of pressure on the entire family. By the time homework gets done and families spend a little quality time together, it's difficult to squeeze in a lot of other events. And if you have more than one child, scheduling can become a piece of stress that your family doesn't need.

Even 15 to 20 years ago some parents thought their children needed to be in every activity available. I guess that's every parent's decision to make; however, we tried to make sure that we were all home together at least two weekday evenings each week, and until our last one got her first job, we scheduled dinner every night so that all five of us could be there. This is a really good time to set priorities for your family and judge every thing you write on the calendar by those priorities. If you make eating together at least five nights a week one of your family priorities, every time you add things to your calendar it will be important to evaluate how those appointments will influence your schedule.

After all three girls were in school, I did go to work. As I said in the last chapter, I was fortunate to always be able to find employment that allowed me to go to the parent lunches, plays and awards assemblies. However, these jobs also gave us an opportunity to teach the girls a bit of responsibility. You'll remember that each year near their birthdays, the girls were given a new or additional chore. During the middle school years they picked up things like washing towels and being in charge of dinner one night a week. They usually chose spaghetti or "Kraft Macaroni and Cheese." Hamburgers, hotdogs and breakfast foods were also a favorite. These meals weren't difficult to cook. They had helped make them often when they were in 4th-6th grade. So by 7th or 8th grade, they had no problem taking over the kitchen. When they started cooking, the one who cooked the meal did not have to clean up the kitchen afterward, which made meal preparation seem almost like a privilege rather than a chore. If you are a working mother, don't be afraid to give your children jobs to do that will help you get done and be able to spend more time with them.

During middle school, it's easy for pre-teens to feel insignificant. One of the best things about giving our girls responsibility was the way that it helped their self esteem. I noticed it as our oldest daughter went through these difficult years. She took on a lot of extra responsibility when I began working full time. As she began to realize that she was really making a difference in the life of our family, I could see her growing more self-confident.

Of course on the other hand, I've seen parents who for some reason think their children are their slaves. While it's important that your children learn responsibility, it's equally vital that they see how they are earning your respect with each job they take on. Respect will mean that you begin to trust them to stay at home by themselves and allow them to participate in decisions that effect them. Teaching your pre-teen to be respected, to respect others and themselves will go a long way in the development of that character you began to mold in their elementary years. You've heard it said, "kids can be cruel." And while it is true, it doesn't have to be. Parents have the power and responsibility to help their children understand that teasing and disrepect of others is unacceptable. When we heard our girls making fun of someone, we tried to help them see how it felt to be on the receiving end of the teasing. Encourage your children to consider the other person's feelings. Help them to understand that not all of their classmates have all the things they have. By allowing them see how fortunate they are, your children will quickly learn to genuinelly care for others.

Middle school will probably be the time when your kids quit telling you everything that's going on in their life. In our family, this is when the automobile became one of the most marvelous inventions known to mankind. It's also one of the few advantages of a busy schedule. I loved getting my girls in the van one on one. If the radio was on, it just played in the background. We had the advantage of no MP3 players and our girls never had Gameboys. The time spent driving to and from after school activities and meetings was always spent talking. They shared their opinions, and I learned what they liked and didn't like. One of my favorite days every year (one of their's too, I hope) was school shopping. The girls and I made it an "event." I started three paydays before school started and took them one at a time, one each pay, for a whole day of shopping. We got all of their school supplies and a couple of new outfits. Best of all we ate lunch together at their favorite restaurant. It was usually fast food, and most of the time it was one that their dad didn't really care for. We took our time and looked at things that we knew we wouldn't buy. It was just a fun day, but it was a time when we got to talk and spend quality time together.

These years won't be the easiest in your parenting life, but as hard as they seem to you, they really are at least that difficult for your kids. You'll find a lot of information on the emotional, physical and mental struggles pre-teens have. Go ahead and read as much as you can, but never forget that your child is an individual and may not fit into any of the pre-made molds psychologists and counselors put them in. If you've been communicating and spending quality time with your children, no book or person will know your child better than you do. Just continue to love them through these years, show them respect and teach them to have a strong character. The best is still to come.

Let me tell you right off the get go, I am a firm beleiver in discipline. I DID NOT SAY I was a firm believer in beating your child. There is a difference. Discipline may occasionally mean spanking (striking a child's bottom with your hand), but it truly means so much more!

If you love your child you will discipline him. As parents our goal should be to help our child reach adulthood with a healthy understanding of right and wrong and respect for themselves and others. This can only be reached through discipline. And discipline must start at birth.

Did I just lose you there? I know that 1/2 of you reading almost quit just then. You think I'm crazy. You believe that discipline can't begin until the child is at least two or three. That idea, the misconception that kids can't be discplined until they are at least two is what created the "terrible two's." I have discovered that children who are lovingly disciplined from the moment they are born never really go through those "terrible two's" or threes.

We encounter those rough toddler years when all of a sudden the rules change on a child. When the little angel goes from total freedom to do whatever he or she pleases to a new set of standards complete with consequences, they will rebel. I'll guarantee it. Many psychologists will tell you that they are beginning to develop independence and that's what causes the problems. And although I don't have a degree in child psychology, my experience with my own children and being around classrooms full of other kids has given me just a slightly different view.

I have noticed that psychologists are correct. It is about the age of two or three that our wee ones begin to understand they have the potential for independence. They learn quickly to say, "I can do it by myself." The difference I've noted is that those who've been disciplined since they were born also understand that in their independence there is also some respect expected. Don't get me wrong. There will still be a tantrum from time to time and you may have to occasionally educate them from the bottom up. However, those children who are beginning to comprehend the fact that there are standards they are expected to adhere to exercise their independence better within the guidelines.

But now you're wondering, "How do I discipline a newborn?" To be honest it's very easy and not even necessary all that often. But here are a couple of examples:

Your child is screaming at the top of her lungs and has been for hours. You've ruled out a dirty diaper, the need for a bottle and any medical condition that may need attention. No amount of rocking or comforting will stop the screaming. It is OK to take your baby in and lay her in her crib. By doing this you help her understand that crying without cause is unexceptable. That is discipline. She doesn't need spanked or struck. You've already shown her as much love as is possible. You'll check on her while she's in her crib crying. If she's a real screamer, you may have to do this many days, but she will at some point figure out that crying won't change her situation to the better.

That's what discipline does. Discipline helps your child understand that unacceptable behavior will not be tolerated and especially will not move them closer toward their desired outcome. Children have the capacity to learn that lesson at a young age. Don't underestimate them. I hear so often, "He's just not old enough to understand." You will be amazed at how young a child can "understand."

Before age three one of my daughters figured out that if she didn't finish dinner she could make up for it when she had her bedtime snack. We didn't believe in making our children clean their plates. My husband and I both have suffered with weight problems stemming somewhat from the notion that we can't leave any food behind. However, after three or four days of this toddler not finishing her dinner then enjoying a big bowl of ice cream just two hours later, we decided to help her learn a lesson. When we cleared the table, we saved her plate of food. As we dished the other two girls a bowl of ice cream or popped some popcorn, we warmed her plate in the microwave. While her sisters enjoyed their bedtime snack, this third daughter ate spaghetti or roast beef. It only took two or three evenings and soon she was eating a respectable dinner again.

Does that mean we never spanked the girls? I wish we could affirm that, but truth is we sometimes did have to teach a lesson by the seat of the pants. Let me also emphasize that we will never recommend that a parent strike a child anywhere except the buttocks or a slap on the hand. And as a general rule, I believe these forms of corporal punishment should be administered with the parents hand rather than a belt, board or other instrument. It's just too easy to become abusive when you use something other than an open hand. By using the palm of your hand, your more likely to feel a bit of sting also helping to keep you from crossing the line from discipline into abuse.

I don't think we ever spanked our children after they were three or four and not before they were able to crawl. It was only during that two to three year period between about six and 42 months that spankings were sometimes necessary. The first time they played in the toilet we spanked them. And generally it was the last time they played in the toilet. When one of them repeatedly wanted to knock over the garbage can while in her walker, we smacker her fingers. We aren't too crazy about the kid leashes, but the first time we lost them in clothing at a department store and then explained to their bottom that they had to always hold our hand and stay with us, we seldom had that problem again.

I think corporal punishment works best when it's reserved for very serious offenses (repeated bad behavior or behavior that could injure themselves or others). If we always use spankings as a form a discipline, children will have a much more difficult time sorting out what is totally unacceptable and that which is merely rude or undesirable. Save spankings for a last resort. That way when you must strike your child, he or she will understand that they have crossed the line and this is a serious offense.

So, what are some good means of discipline? I'm out of room here, but go ahead and click this link and you'll find a few that worked for us:

Till age 6 months: Generally the only problem we had up till this age was our child not wanting to miss out on anything. Their solution would be to scream to keep themselves awake. You could see them nearly nod off and then boom, they'd start to cry. That's when we put them in their cribs. Usually they would cry themselves to sleep.

Six Months to 18 Months: This is the hardest time because there are only two forms of discipline kids really understand at this point, spanking and moving things out of their reach (which can cause screaming - at which point we would normally resort to putting her in her bed).

18 to 42 Months: You should be able to begin to put a child in bed or send them to their room for discipline at this age. They will often have a hard time sharing or begin to talk back. It's important for you as a parent to understand that neither of these behaviors is acceptable, even if they are younger than 18 months. Discipline is required. If you have a strong willed 12 month old and they say "no" when you ask them to do something, do yourself a favor, don't laugh. It doesn't matter how cute the "no" is (and sometimes it's adorable because they are so little), laughing will send them the message that their behavior is all right. They will do it again, I promise. Discipline can be as simple as saying sternly, "You can not tell me 'no' when I ask you to do something." As they get older, you can explain that sometimes they may need to say, "Mom, I really don't want to do that," but "NO" is never acceptable. By the time they are four or five they should be able to understand the difference between voicing their opinion, "I'd rather not" and being defiant.

3 years and up: We seldom if ever had to spank our kids after this point. By now you can make them sit in a chair by themselves for a while or send them to their room as punishment. If they make a mess, they should at least have to help clean it up. Defiance and disobedience are best conquered by taking away something they enjoy. I don't recommend taking away a comfort toy (one that helps them sleep), that will make you as miserable as it does them. However, a TV show or a toy or the Nintendo DS or Wii make wonderful disciplinary tools for kids age 3-8. Older kids might miss their bike or computer, a friend's house or phone calls. And the oldest ones might have to ride the bus to school instead of being allowed to drive, they might lose cell phone privileges or have to miss a party or special event.

We generally avoided punishment that would negatively effect others. For instance, we never grounded them from leaving the house because that meant one of us would have to stay home. And I can't remember ever telling them they had to miss a sporting event or band performance. We agreed that they were a part of a team and it wasn't fair to the rest of the team to keep them away. I suppose if there had been no other way to get the message across that their behavior was unacceptable, we may have used those kinds of bans, but we never encountered that. Partially, I believe, because by the time they were involved in these team sports, they had learned enough about respect that they didn't require a lot of discipline.

And here are some creative forms of discipline we used:

For Lying: One of our girls developed a terrible lying habit. She would lie about the silliest things that didn't even matter. Finally, when she was about 11 I'd had it. We'd tried everything to help her learn it was unacceptable. I took out my husband's concordance (that's a book with a reference to every word in the Bible). I made her look up and copy 10 verses in the Bible that used the word lie and 10 that used the word truth. I told her that every time she lied she'd have to do that and I didn't care if she had to write the whole concordance. (that book is about 6 inches thick - it's HUGE). That pretty much cured her.

For never putting clothes away: We had a little problem with a couple of the girls changing their minds about what to wear. They must have been about age six and eight. Every outfit they'd try on would be on the floor, and when I asked them to clean their rooms, they'd put the clothes in the hamper to be washed. They were convinced of the folly of their ways when I began going through the laundry on wash day and putting back in their drawer every item that had not been worn since the last time I washed it. Unfortunately for them the clothes often had the smell of the laundry hamper. It only took a couple of times doing this to help them understand it wasn't respectful to make extra work for others.

For not coming home on time: Generally we'd warn them a couple of times then if that didn't work we'd let them come in late without saying a word. I think they thought they got away with it. Until the next time they made plans. We'd let them work out all the plans, then when they came to us to ask permission, we'd remind them that they didn't know how to come in on time so they wouldn't be allowed to go out this time. It was much more effective and made a much more lasting impression than grounding them when they came in late.

Those are just a few that worked for us. Don't hesitate to be creative and work with your child's personality to help him understand the merits of respect and love and the consequences of selfishness and disobedience. Discipline will not hurt your child. In fact, it has the potential to mold them into a remarkable adult. Use it wisely, with respect and understanding. It is a powerful tool when executed properly.

And remember, discipline without respect, caring, love and understanding is called abuse.

At our house the teendom lasted 12 years. From the time our first turned 13 until our last started college we enjoyed (and sometimes endured) an interesting life. Steve and I added challenges to our child rearing by entering the ministry during this time and turning our average everyday kids into PK's (preacher kids). Besides the fact that our girls were now all of a sudden expected to be a perfect example of well behaved children as well as Bible scholars, this also meant that we introduced them to a new school system every 3-4 years. Not only that, but the last three managed to fall between the Sophomore and Junior year of high school for each daughter. It's not that we planned it that way, but by the time the third one had to change schools during that time, the first thought it was poetic justice.

Despite the moving and making new friends, the girls managed to survive these years relatively well. There were times I loved these days and times I was completely frustrated. To be perfectly honest, the success of the teen years in our home was due primarily to the ground work we laid in all the years before. We worked hard to have consistent and fair rules so the girls generally knew what was expected of them. And later when you read about the real secret of our success, you'll see the one thing that made the most difference.

Should you find yourself becoming the parent of teens without being able to lay the groundwork of the previous chapters, you'll probably have to ease into the ideas you'll find here. If you're thrown into parenthood at this late time, you'll need to earn the respect of these double digit kids. And to get their full respect, they'll need to know how much you care. Those become "suddenly parents" who try to create a whole new set of rules without earning the respect of their children, will most often find themselves with rebelious youth. I apologize that I don't have a lot of advice for you in this situation. I have ideas I think would work well, but I've not had the opportunity to put them to the test, so I won't be so bold as to share what I haven't proved. On the other hand for parents who've made it this far with kids from the beginning, let me tell you a few things that worked for us.

One of the first rules we set as parents when our oldest became a teen is that when we left her in charge she was only responsible for her own behavior and to get the other kids out of the house in case of fire. We made it clear to the younger two that if their older sister reminded them of a rule and they chose not to change their actions, the one who disobeyed the rules would be the one who got in trouble. The oldest was expected or allowed to discipline or yell at her sisters. Her only job was to remind them of the rules. For instance at 8:00 p.m. she was supposed to tell her younger sisters it was bedtime. We let them know right up front, if they chose to stay up till we got home, their older sister wouldn't be telling them over and over again and they'd pay the price for their defiance. It didn't keep them from never fighting while we were gone, but it did lead to fewer opportunities for an argument.

Our teens were not allowed to date until they were 16. I know a lot of parents think that's too strict and a bit old fashioned, but we believe that dating is what you do in order to prepare to find a partner for marraige. We also believe that until age 16 kids don't need the pressure that dating brings. Kids are faced with enough tough decisions without having to deal with dating pressures prior to age 16. I'm sure we were considered old fashioned, but we didn't allow the girls to attend boy/girl parties or dances until they were at least 13 or 14 and boys weren't allowed to come over to our house until about age 15. And while we're on the subject of boys . . . no boys were allowed over when the girls were babysitting and they weren't allowed to be alone in the house with boys until they were in college.

Along those same lines, our girls had an 11 o'clock curfew until they were in college. In fact our youngest was grounded the week of her graduation because she'd been five minutes past curfew at least three times in a month. (Grounded at our house meant going no where without parents - we tried very hard never to punish ourselves with the word "grounded").

And what if your daughter or son brings home the date of your nightmares? We encountered a couple of those. Yes, at least one per daughter. If you've done your job up to this point, this will most likely just be a minor setback. When we went through this dismal time (all three times), we attempted to act as normal as possible. By age sixteen the girls had had plenty of opportunity to learn choose friends and make wise decisions. We tried very hard to trust that they would quickly see the error in their choice of a date.

And while we gave them the freedom to choose their own friends and dates, we still held the power to limit how much time they spent with those friends and dates who weren't good influences on them. We didn't forbid them to go out, but we always knew where they were going and generally limited dating to once a week. Additionally, we had always encouraged group activities, so much of our girls' dating years were spent with several friends rather than just one boy and one girl at a movie.

By now, you're probably thinking, "Is dating the only issue I'll have to deal with during my kids' teen years?" The answer is, "No." However, for me, it was probably the scariest. Yes, even scarier than teaching them how to drive. Although driving brought it's own kind of fun.

When you hear our solution to teenage driving, you may think we had a lot of rules; however, we considered them expectations, and the girls understood that when they didn't meet our expectations, they would lose priviliges. And driving is most definitely a privilige. From the time they got their permit there were a couple of things that the girls clearly understood.

First of all, they weren't allowed to give anyone outside the family a ride and if they got a ticket they would lose their license until they were 18. Second, the car they drove belonged to their parents. They always had something to drive; however, we did not buy them a car of their own, and they were not allowed to have their own vehicle until they could afford to pay for the car and the insurance. Plus that, the privilige to drive came with the responsibility of running to the store for us and giving their younger siblings rides whenever we asked.

But it wasn't all rules and bad news. It was during these years that the girls were growing into adults. These are the years when we started becoming friends. Our conversations turned from frivilous kids' stuff to important things like dating, college, politics and their feelings. We began to laugh more together and have "girl times." We finally began to take mini-vacations, and it was a joy!

By the time they were sixteen, each of the girls had a job (one when she was 14). We were blessed to know that our girls had learned to have a good work ethic and take responsibility. More than once their employers commented on the way the girls went above and beyond the normal teenage employee. The girls were highly respected by their teachers and even after graduation have been able to return for letters of recommendation.

The teen years can be a struggle, but if, as parents, we allow our kids to grow up and trust them with what we've already taught them, it will be possible to go through these years with very little drama. These are the years when that respect you've been instilling and character building you've been doing will begin to really shine through. Just keep on loving them and begin to really treat them like an adult and college will be here before you know it.

The Five Love Languages of Teenagers
By Gary Chapman

Very few of our children will move out as soon as they graduate from High School. If you've done a good job up to this point, not much will change; however, if you've been too lenient or over protective, this transition might be more difficult. It's important to remember that these young adults are still your children; however, you also have to come to terms with the fact that your children are now adults.

By this time in our home we had three completely different experiences. Our oldest had always taken the initiative to work and find employment. During the Summer of her Junior and Senior year of High School, she'd found a job about 40 miles from home, so she stayed with her grandmother and aunt during the week and was only home on the weekends. After graduation she went to a local college, but during her sophomore year she got a job for a newspaper miles away (again near grandma) and commuted back to school.

Our youngest was engaged by the time she graduated. She had a full time job in an office, signed a loan for a vehicle about 2 weeks after graduation and had entered into a land contract to buy a house. She stayed at home for six months after graduation.

Still at home after college with the plan to be here until she marries is our middle daughter. She did go away to college and wasn't able to come home on the weekends. Right after college she got a great full time job, financed her own vehicle and within 3 years of graduating will have her masters and her own home.

I say all that to let you know that we were blessed with responsible children. We set our expectations of them high; however, we also stressed that we wanted them to make their own decisions and live their own lives. That's really one of the hardest things we do as parents. We have ideas of what we want our kids to do and be. That makes it difficult sometimes to allow them to be themselves while still pushing and encouraging them to be their best.

So, how do the "rules" change after your children become "adults"? Here are a few standards our home used for our young adults:

- It's always been an expectation that anyone who stays overnight in our home on Saturday night will attend church with us on Sunday morning. Fortunately, our girls had established their own relationship with Jesus Christ before High School, so this wasn't a standard that took any enforcing. They actually WANT to go with us.

- By Christmas after graduation the curfew we had set was pretty much eliminated. After all, those who stay in a dorm won't have anyone telling them what time to be in. However, they had also developed enough respect for us to make sure we knew where they were going and what time they'd be home. In return, we also afford the same courtesy to the young adults who still live with us. And anyone running extremely late calls home to make sure no one is worried about where they are.

- One of the drawbacks of my decision to not have a career was the lack of funds for college. Early in high school the girls knew that they needed to either keep their grades up, get a job or expect loans for college. Some parents can afford to help with their kids higher education, but I hear of so many going deep into debt for kids who don't even really want to be in school. Our family is living proof that the student can be completely responsible for her or her college expense and survive. They can also survive without a vehicle or a cell phone. We did provide an old but reliable truck for a middle daughter while she was student teaching and at the same time added a $10 line to our cell plan so she'd have it when she was on the road. The phone included no texting, messaging or extras and she was keenly aware that she was sharing our minimal minutes so the phone was only for emergencies. Finances are a huge part of growing up. Once they have an income it's alright to expect them to pick up their own cereal and milk and even stop and get a few groceries for the family without being reimbursed. We do a real disservice to our children when we give them everything especially when they are full grown. Is it really fair to expect them to one day all of a sudden become completely financially responsible? Do them a huge favor and teach them how to handle money while they still live at home and being broke doesn't mean being destitute. (Which means it's alright to allow them to be broke!)

- By this time your children should have a completely equal share in the household chores. Much like the disservice we do when we pay for everything, if we make their beds, wash their clothes and clean all their dishes they either will never move out or there will come a day when they will face the shock of responsibility. If you aren't cooking for yourself, it's not your responsibility to cook for your adult child living at home. In fact, our girls often cooked dinner for us including buying the ingredients for the food.

- Last, but not least, we made it clear throughout the kids teen years that they shouldn't plan to get married until they could afford to move out and living with someone of another gender outside of marriage was not an acceptable option.

I believe the key to living with adult children is the continuation of what we started when they were infants. Treating them with respect and teaching them to treat others the same. Each of the points made above will come naturally to someone who the idea of mutual respect and integrity has been instilled.

One Man . . . nope, not my husband (although I'm blessed to have him, too).

The true secret of my success is Jesus Christ. Please don't stop reading! I know that I just lost a lot of people by writing that sentence, but I'm going to ask you to hear me out. Just read this section with an open mind. Don't start thinking of all the things you've been told about Christianity from your friends and relatives (even the Christians). Just read this chapter with an open mind and, like the rest of the book, consider it simply my opinion. Neither right nor wrong, merely my opinion.

When I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter, I promptly got married and quit going to church. I was raised that good girls didn't find themselves pregnant BEFORE marriage and church was a place for good people. So, for almost 3 years I only went to church on Christmas and Easter and other occasions when it might make my mom or dad feel good.

The year my daughter turned three I decided it was time to get her into church. After all, there were a lot of good morals she could learn there and a lot of people with upstanding character who she could look up to and follow. I didn't really think too much about Jesus. Church was a place where good, honest and succesful people went and those are things I wanted for my daughter. (remember these are things I believed at the time, not necessarily things that are true).

I had determined to not miss more than one Sunday a month to set a good example for my daughter. When we moved to New York because Steve was stationed at Griffiss AFB, Monica and I began attending the church on base. A friend invited me to attend a Mom's get together one morning a week, so I did. And it was there I began to realize my view of Christianity was a bit warped.

I had always believed that Christianity was based on being good. I knew I needed Jesus to fit in there somewhere, but I'd really gotten caught up in the "good" part. It was during these few years that I began to realize my need for a real RELATIONSHIP with Jesus. WAIT!!! Please keep reading! I know that phrase really gets some people's goat, but let me remind you again, this is my opinion and what it did in my life. You don't have to believe me, just hear me out.

And that's when everything began to change. Oh, since then I've had a lot of moments and revelations that have molded me into who I am today, but that one piece of information revolutionized my way of thinking, and with it, my way of child rearing. I began to see in my life that my success and true happiness was directly related to how my relationship with Jesus Christ was fairing. It had nothing to do with following the rules that I'd been taught as a youth (BORING!) and everything to do with keeping in touch with the person who gave me real life.

Prayer became different, reading my Bible began to be a whole new adventure and my goal in raising kids changed from helping them become good, productive adults to helping them develop a relationship with Jesus Christ.

When I was a teen I always said I never wanted to tell my kids "Because I said so." I hated that phrase. It meant so little. But I understood where it came from. Kids keep asking and asking and finally you run out of answers. There's nothing else left except "Because I said so." But what if that's not all there is? What if there's more?

When you raise children to believe that there is a Creator and His Son who love them so desparately that they'll do anything to help them see that love, they become motivated by love rather than by rules. You don't have to say, "Because I said so." Instead you can say, "Because God gave you to me as a gift and I worry about you. I don't think that's something that would be good for you right now, but ask again in a few years."

By the time my kids were teens they were pretty much sold out for Christ. Not because I forced them or because they were brainwashed, but because they saw what being a Christian was doing in my life and their dad's life (Steve didn't even go to church with me when Monica was three, but the year she turned 7 he discovered the one thing that would change his life forever.) We lived (and still live) everything we believe at home as well as in public. There aren't two different sets of standards because we aren't trying to "be good" or impress anyone. We have a relationship with a person who knows and wants the best for us, and we act like that relationship is important.

There's something about that relationship that never makes me feel like I HAVE to do anything (there are somethings I volunteer for to help PEOPLE that make me feel that way - I'm terrible at overcommitting). The things I do for Christ are because of this relationship, and it makes me WANT to be this way. I've discovered a life, a NORMAL life, that is worth more than I can imagine because of this relationship.

And teaching the girls to experience this relationship in their own life is what has helped them all be where they are today. We avoided drugs, alcohol problems and the worst of the rebelious teen years. Not because of any rules or threats (OK, their dad may have threatened them some - I remember hearing "lose your license" "grounded" etc. from time to time), but primarily because they believe that Jesus loves them even more than their parents do, and He knows what's best for them. They learned quite young to respect others and themselves partially because we instilled that in them and partially because we believe that every person is created by God in His image and deserves our respect.

We are a pretty normal family. We don't wear funny clothes or skirts all the time. We don't get into your face about religion. You'll never see us bombing abortion clinics (even though we are very conservative), and if you take the time to get to know us you'll discover we like a lot of the same things you do. We watch "Law and Order" and even "Everybody Loves Raymond" (check this out if you're wondering why I mentioned that show) We listen to country music as well as Christian, we dance and sing and play Mario Kart Wii on a regular basis (my grandson has gotten me addicted). We aren't better than you. We aren't better than anyone! We've just chosen to explore how a relationship with Jesus Christ might change our lives and have discovered it to be the best gift we can give our children and grandchildren.

If you are just a "church goer," I encourage you to find a place that will help you grow into a deep RELATIONSHIP with Jesus Christ. I found out more than 20 years ago that it's just too hard being good. I couldn't do it! It was boring and hard work. Just going to church didn't cut it for me. I would never have been able to get my kids to where they are now without this relationship I found with Jesus.

If you've never really considered this kind of relationship before or thought it was just plain stupid, I want to thank you for reading this far. I know it might have been difficult for you not to just close this page. I also want to encourage you to find a group of folks who are working to be like Jesus Christ. Stay away from those congregations that just want to be religious, going through the motions of what it means to be a Christian without any of the "good life" that Jesus promised. The ones that really love Christ are sometimes hard to find, but they are out there. If you need help e-mail me and I'll try to help you find a church near you. We've traveled through a good bit of the US and visit churches everywhere we go (we just LOVE to meet others who are in the midst of growing in Christ). I may have actually been IN a church somewhere near you!

Now you know everything. There's really not much more help I can give you. If all you read was this last chapter and you follow it, you probably know enough to raise great kids. This treasure was the one piece that really changed my child rearing technique and challenged me to be a better parent. After all, once I found Jesus, our Dad set the very best example!

What happens if you just finished the chapter called "Beyond High School" and you realize you missed something during the past 18 years? You've discovered your son has no sense of responsibility and is not only prepared to live with you for the rest of his life but has started to hint that his girl friends should move in and mooch too. OK, maybe it's not that bad, but you can't even get help mowing the grass or keeping the dishwasher loaded.

The first thing you have to come to terms with is the old adage, "You can't teach an old dog new tricks" applies to 18 year olds. You seriously can't expect your teen to all of a sudden begin to take on responsibility if you've never set that kind of standard before.

If you find yourself with a teenager who can't cope on their own, I recommend you begin with small expectations first and gradually add more. You might start by apologizing for not setting the bar higher for them in the past and then explaining what changes they can expect. If you can stand it, start with their room. Stop making the bed, changing the sheets, picking up their clothes and doing their laundry. Let them know they'll be expected to keep all of that done and give them their first laundry lesson if necessary. Be sure they know where the vacuum is and how often they should dust, sweep and bring the dirty dishes out of their room. This time of transition will probably be harder on you than it is on your kids. If you're used to being an excellent caregiver and have made your child's bed every day of her life, it may be difficult for you to give it up now. But, believe me, you can do it! Close the door everytime you're tempted to find the floor. Once they graduate from their room to washing dishes, you'll be wondering why you waited so long to give them the push.

Don't feel bad if you need to retrain your young adult. You were probably just a loving parent who didn't think about how not setting any expectations for them would effect their future. It's not too late. Set some expectations, share them with your child and then enjoy your child. Resist the temptation to nag your offspring. Resentment won't help them to become the adult you want to see.

You and your children have a lot of potential. You can make it through this time even if you didn't prepare them as well as you had hoped.

It's very healthy for families to create traditions. These are the things that memories are made of. Our family created several traditions that we are now handing down to our grandchildren. You'll find that most of our traditions are created around the holidays. I hope that they will inspire you to create your own family traditions.

Nearly 25 years ago, when we had only one child, we began the tradition of creating handmade ornaments. We've used baby food cans and jars, construction paper, needlepoint, oragami and more, but each year the girls and I created an ornament to share with aunts and uncles, grandparents and friends. Each child also got to make one ornament to keep for themselves. So now, years later, they have these memories in their ornament boxes.

When our youngest was about 3, I had a really difficult time celebrating Christmas. The holiday seemed so empty. I didn't even care if I celebrated. One year I discovered the joy of Advent. We began the tradition of lighting candles while reading scripture and a short daily devotion. This beautiful ritual focused me personally on the real meaning of the season. It transformed my Christmas. I actually became excited again to celebrate the season. On top of that, it gave the Modranski family an opportunity to have a short worship time together. We enjoyed the tradition so much that by 1995 I began writing advent readings for my family and our congregation. I've uploaded a few samples HERE and HERE, Every night after our advent readings, we would take the cards we'd received that year and pray by name for each person who'd remembered us with a Christmas greeting.

Another Christmas tradition we shared was giving each of the girls one special ornament each year. By the time they each got married, they had more than 50 ornaments to take to their own homes. And often the ornaments had a wonderful story they could share with their spouse or friends.

These are just a few of our Christmas Traditions. Stop back soon to discover other traditions we shared.