Journey To A New Me!

I've spent most of my life hating myself and hating the world around me. I finally decided that I don't want to live this way anymore. I want to enjoy life but I have to learn HOW to be the person, the wife and the mother that I want to be! I am learning to change my way of thinking, to control my emotions and change my outlook on life!

It's a question I ask myself quite often to be honest. I've been overweight since I was a kid.. and I mean literally. I started gaining weight at 4 yrs old. Spend most of my childhood being teased and tormented in school, told that I was fat and ugly and that no one would ever want me.

I've spent most of my life being a very angry, bitter and hateful person. On the other hand, I can also be very kind and caring of others. It's the bitter hateful person that I don't like.

I've also been depressed most of my life. Hating myself, hating my life, feeling useless and worthless and unlovable.

I was married over 5 yrs ago. I found the love of my life, or so I thought. We moved a bit quickly and ended up having 3 kids within a year! (thanks to birth control, I wound up pregnant with twins 3 months after our son was born). Even though I had what I always considered to be a happy life.. marriage, family..etc., I still was not happy inside.

My emotional state began to cause problems between my husband and I. I was always getting angry at him over small things.. or I was overly sensitive about things. We separated in 2006. I began going to therapy then and was put on Cymbalta, an anti-depressant. The therapy did not work out too well. She was not much help, she just sat there and listened. I have friends for that!.. I stopped going and eventually weened myself off of the Cymbalta.

My husband and I got back together in April of 2007. Things were great for awhile, but in the beginning of 2008 we began having problems again. My husband has his own issues to deal with that I'm not going to delve into here. We both have our own issues and they both clash and cause more problems! We split up in May of 2008 and got back together in late August.

We recently began Marriage Therapy to help us sort out our problems. In our very first session the therapist told me that he thought I needed to be on medication for my depression. I was put on Prozac. I did a lot of research on Prozac.. heard a lot of bad things, but I've been on it for about 6 weeks now. So far, so good. It makes me feel calm and content. I don't stress out over small things. I'm not as overly sensitive as I normally am and I don't cry all of the time!

This is only the beginning for me. I don't want to be the hateful bitter person that I always have been. I want to be that person that enjoys life! The person that enjoys waking up every day. I don't want to just sit and rot my life away!..

I would love to share my knowledge here and also love to hear from others going through something similiar! Feel free to leave comments and advice on my lens!

Marriage and any sort of relationship can be difficult. All relationships have their ups and down. My husband and I are currently going to marriage counseling. We have had a lot of ups and way too many downs. We have separated twice. We are two completely different people in some ways, but in other ways we are one in the same.

What makes a marriage work? Trust? Respect? Affection? Communication? All of the above?? Learning to argue without hurting each other? Sometimes agreeing to just disagree?

How important is affection in a marriage? Is it important to feel close to your spouse? To get a hug? A kiss? A cuddle? A touch? Is it important to make sure your partner knows how important he/she is to you and how important you are to them??

What keeps a marriage going for years and years? What keeps a marriage going until death to you part? Why do so many marriages end quickly in divorce? Do people give up too easily??

I remember hearing some advice about divorce once. It said that you should not get a divorce until you can honestly say that you have tried EVERYTHING to keep the marriage going. You should not leave until you leave no emotional ties behind. You are ready for divorce when you can walk walk away without feeling any hurt, anger, or resentment. But, when do you say enough is enough and I can't fight any longer? This is what I am struggling with right now.

Depression comes in very different forms! If you are not sure if you just have the "blues" or if you are suffering from a serious Depression problem, here are some symptoms to keep an eye out for. If you have the following symptoms that just don't seem to go away then it is time to consider getting help.

* you can't sleep enough or you sleep too much
* you can't concentrate or find that previously easy tasks are now difficult
* you feel worthless and hopeless
* you can't control your negative thoughts, no matter how much you try
* you have lost your appetite or you can't stop eating
* you are constantly irritated or become enraged even at small things - and this is new for you
* you have thoughts that life is not worth living, or have a plan for how you would end it (Seek help immediately if this is the case)
* you have lost your energy.
*you cry for no apparent reason and feel as if you can't control it.
*IF you have thoughts of suicide GET HELP IMMEDIATELY!!

Ways to help you cope with your depression:

*Ask for help and support from your friends and family.
*Make healthy lifestyle changes (regular exercise, enough sleep, eating healthy.. etc).
*Seek help from a professional. Talk to a therapist or even just a doctor to help you decide if you need to be on medication.
*Keep up with social activities.
*Join a support group.
*Do things that you enjoy.
*Write in a journal.
*Make a list of things you like about yourself.
*Get some sunlight every day.
*Find ways to manage your stress.
*Boost your B vitamins.
*Replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. (this can be difficult but practice and make yourself do it and the easier it will become!)

I've struggled with self esteem issues for most of my life. I've never been confident in myself. I've always felt like I wasn't good enough. I hated to look at myself in the mirror every day. I still struggle with my self esteem but I have found some ways to improve it a lot! Here are a few tips to help you boost your self esteem and think more positively about yourself!

*Get Moving! Any kind of exercise will not only benefit you physically but will also help you feel better mentally! Exercise is proven to give you more energy and boost your self image! I'm not talking about going to the gym and having an all out sweaty workout every day. Just going for a brisk walk or doing a few exercises at home will help!

*Think Positive! Look at yourself in the mirror every day and instead of seeing the negative things in your reflection, look for the positive things within you! They can be physically or personality wise! Stop the negative thoughts and begin new positive thoughts! (I will be talking about Positive Affirmations later on!)

*Dress for Success! Instead of dressing in old frumpy clothing dress up once in awhile! If you are a woman you know how great it feels to dress up in something nice. Put on some make up and walk with your head held high!

*Smile! When you are out in public.. SMILE! Smile at strangers! Say hello! Wish someone a great day! Maybe your smile will rub off on someone else and you will get a smile back in return! Stop walking around staring at the floor. Show everyone your beautiful face AND your beautiful personality!

*Do Something Nice! Volunteer your time helping others! Whether it be volunteering somewhere or just helping out a neighbor! Helping others will help YOU to feel good about yourself on the inside. It will also make someone else feel good knowing that someone cares!

*Get Out! Stop sitting at home feeling sorry for yourself! Get out and surround yourself with family and friends that love you! Go out and have a laugh! Laughing can cure a lot of things including the blues!

*Eat Healthy! Lacking vitamins and healthy foods in your diet can have a great affect on how you feel not only physically but mentally as well! Eat lots of fruits, veggies and whole grain foods.

*Take Some YOU time! Take some time out to do something for yourself! Whether it be a hobby, going for a nature walk, buying yourself something nice or doing something creative! We all need that "me" time to nurture our own mental health!

*Do Something New! Is there something that you have always wanted to do but never took the time to do? Or maybe you were just too afraid to try? Learning something new can give you a great sense of accomplishment!

These things will be a great start to improving your self esteem and your confidence! No one else can do this for you. You have to do it for YOU!