What to Say to Skeptical Loved Ones 

1. There isn't a person in the world who would argue that birth without medication is safer than birth with medication. I'm choosing to do the safest thing for my child in planning for a medication-free birth.
2. I'm not going to do anything to endanger my baby. If there is anything wrong during the pregnancy or during the labor or birth, I will seek the care of a qualified professional and/or hospital. It isn't a homebirth at all costs; it's a healthy baby and mother at all costs.
3. I'm always leaving my options open, but I just don't need you all telling me I can't do something. I believe I *can* do it! I think I *am* strong enough to have a natural/home birth. I might not have shown you my strengths in other times in my life, but this is different. I know dozens of other women who were considered wimps their whole lives who had 10 pound babies at home just fine. I intend to be one of those women. All I ask is that you give me a chance.
4. I know no one in our family can have vaginal births, but *someone* in our family CAN have babies vaginally or else our family wouldn't be here. Cesareans weren't done only a couple three generations ago, so *someone* had vaginal births - and all those generations before them had vaginal births. I came from those women, too, and I like to believe I have their hips. Evolution hasn't changed that fast.
5. (Same as with breastfeeding) I know no women in our family haven't been able to breastfeed, but I have more information and support than the women in the last couple of generations. And *someone* breastfed in my family or none of us would have been here. Before a couple three generations ago, there was nothing *but* breastmilk or we would have died off. I know I can do it just like they did.
6. I'm not ignorant. If there is something wrong with labor or with breastfeeding, I am not going to ignore it and just keep going to prove a point. I'm going to ask for help. I'm an intelligent woman and will be a great mom. I'd like it if you would trust me. Please stop pushing, though. It makes our relationship more strained and makes it so I don't want to interact with you - and I don't want to limit the time with you, but I will. If you trust that I will do what's best for me and my family, we can continue our friendship/relationship and it will be pleasant and happy.
7. I know you weren't "allowed" to [fill in the blank] , but my midwife (care provider) says it's not a problem at all. Would you like me to share some research with you to help you understand why it's fine to do that?
8. (Regarding an Old Wive's Tale or anything that sounds absurd) How interesting. I hadn't heard that before. I'm glad to check with my midwife/care provider about that. Thanks for sharing that. I know you care about my health and that of my baby. (Even if they are being a nosy busy body, people want to be acknowledged for their concern. It helps get them off your back and on your side.)
9. (Regarding scary stories) Please don't share those with me. I'm only wanting to hear good stories this pregnancy. I know you have my best interest at heart and so does my midwife/care provider. I've done my research and am glad to share it with you if you'd like, but please don't say things like that again, or I will have to ask you to leave.
10. (Regarding absurd birth stories) I know of several women who've done [the exact opposite]!
11. (Regarding immobile hips in the family) Women's hips aren't immobile because they are held together by cartilage, not bone and during pregnancy, hormones loosen them and labor makes a woman "dance" and the pelvis opens. You know the baby's soft spots? That's proof that the baby's head isn't all bone either and the baby's head molds, too (think conehead), and the head and the pelvis "dance" together to get out of the body. I can do it! Just like all those women before me.
12. I'm not like all those women who died in home births before or in other "Third World Countries." I have prenatal care, I eat well, I have sanitation and I have medications if I need them. I also have hospitals if I need them and even cesareans if I need those. Please don't try and scare me with stupid/silly/old/crazy/mean arguments that have no validity in today's/our world.
13. My (San Diego) midwife is Licensed by the Medical Board of California... the same Board that licenses the doctors in our state. (Or she is Certified nationally and the state believes in that certification so much that it allows her to practice as a homebirth midwife.)
    
    Homebirth midwives have several years' schooling education as well as an apprenticeship (usually) with another midwife before practicing on her own. (In Washington and Florida, Licensed Midwives have malpractice insurance and back-up physicians. The rare midwife elsewhere might have a back-up physician.)
    
    Midwives are licensed to do all prenatal care, labor and delivery care, newborn and new well-baby care, postpartum care, and often, well-woman care. Many, if not most, midwives (this writer included) are Neonatal Resuscitation trained, CPR trained, IV trained - carry medications for postpartum hemorrhage, carry medications for GBS infection if the mother chooses to be treated during labor, carry Vitamin K and Erythromycin eye ointment for the baby if the parents choose that for their newborn, carry oxygen for emergencies and then a selection of herbs and homeopathics for the women who choose those as well, but for true emergencies, Western medicine is what is utilized. Midwives don't just show up at the doorstep when someone is in labor; they have an established relationship with the family through many, many hours of prenatal care during the pregnancy.
    
    Many midwives operate within a Peer Review and are "monitored" from within, ensuring that they stay within the standards of care in the midwifery community.
    
    Midwifery in the US, Canada and Europe, for the most part, is a skilled profession, not an underground chicken swinging over your head, dirty feet experience.
14. I don't need a sono. I don't want a sono. Research shows there is no reason to have a sono. If I felt I needed one, I would have one. (As a midwife, I believe there *are* sometimes reasons for getting one, but it is also absolutely a cliet's choice! I am offering things to say to your family.)
    
    You can fill in the blank with whatever you want.
    
    Sono
    AFP
    Amniocentesis
    Glucose Tolerance Test
    GBS Test
    HIV Test
    etc.
15. (One of my favorite lines)
    
    When you had kids, you got to do it your way. Now it's my turn and we get to do it our way.
16. What testing/screening is between my partner and I. We've researched the pros and cons and we don't feel the pros outweigh the cons. When you are pregnant, you can make different choices.
17. I don't want to see your doctor, thanks. I like my midwife/care provider.
18. Thanks for the book. (If they are truly ignorant...) May I offer you a reading list of books I would love to own?
    
    (If they are just being mean, try to accept whatever they give you graciously. It doesn't mean you have to read it. Especially if it is something scary/awful. Just say, "thank you" and then donate it to somewhere or burn it if it's that terrible _What to Expect_ book. They really are just trying to help in their not-so-nice way.)
19. No, I'm not having that kind of a baby shower. I'm not needing that kind of stuff for the baby. I'm limiting the "things" I want and need for the baby. (Saying it silly and funny will go a long way towards getting them on your side...) I've gone "granola" on you. (har har) I'm going to have wooden toys and organic clothes (or cloth diapers, slings or whatever you're doing in your family) and we'd LOVE to have gift certificates to these stores [list them]. Haven't we just turned into total hippies?!
20. We love you so much and I know our choices are hard on you, but I really need your support right now. It means so much to me. Please trust me. You gave me everything I needed growing up to make the right decisions. I am using everything you gave me. I promise. Let me show you how brilliant you were.

Why Have a Natural Birth? Isn't That Just Crazy Talk? 

Why on Earth Would Anyone Want to Birth Without Drugs?

• - Because it's fun!
  
  - Because you can say you did it
  
  - Because it shocks the hell out of people at parties
  
  - Because it's safer for the baby
  
  - Because it's safer for your back
  
  - Because labor moves along faster without an epidural
  
  - Because labor is more delightful when you aren't drowning in narcotics
  
  - Because you can stay out of bed when you don't have medications
  
  - Because you can move your legs when you don't have an epidural
  
  - Because you can keep your own bladder control when you don't have an epidural
  
  - Because you won't have to have an internal scalp electrode screwed into your baby's head because you won't have an epidural
  
  - So you don't have body memories that come back to haunt you when you least expect them long after the epidural wears off
  
  - So you can have a homebirth
  
  - So you can keep your wits about you - even if you don't keep "control"
  
  - So you can feel the pleasure hormones that often come along with the experience of labor
  
  - So you are able to feel the extreme pleasure of labor orgasm if you are one of the rare ones who gets to experience it
  
  - So you can know your body is perfect just the way it is
  
  - So you can tell your doctor to go to hell and leave your
  body alone
  
  - So you can take charge of your own healthcare
  
  - So you can feel empowered with your choices
  
  - So you can prove all those people WRONG who said you will never be able to tolerate the pain
  
  - So you can tell your kids how brave and strong you are
  
  - So you can show your partner how amazing you are
  
  - So you can show your partner you are NOT a wimp!
  
  - So you can prove to your partner women are the stronger sex once and for all!
  
  - So you can laugh in your mom's and mother-in-law's face
  
  - So you can laugh in your friends' faces
  
  - So you can squat in the hospital bed to have that baby
  
  - So you can avoid an episiotomy
  
  - So you can minimize the chance of a cesarean
  
  - So you can maximize your chance of a VBAC

You Buy the Hospital Ticket... You Go for the Hospital Ride 

aka Birth Plans and Their Uselessness

Once upon a time, doulas were in the birthing arena to help women achieve the births of their dreams. I distinctly recall telling women I would be a go-between for them between the medical staff and themselves, the laboring couples. At doula trainings and gatherings, I know I heard doulas teaching each other how to be manipulative with the staff, yet soft-spoken and seeming demure and obsequious.

Doulas had code words to use that meant "Time out! Ask the medical staff to leave so you can talk alone (and by alone, I mean with me, too!) before deciding yay or nay."

Doulas right in front of my face (was that a mirror I saw?) said things like, "Remember when we talked about your birth plan last week and you said no matter what, you didn't want an epidural?" or "Do you want me to remind you of the risks of that position before they put your legs in the stirrups?" or "Doctor, doesn't pitocin rupture uteruses?"

It wasn't a decade before the role of the doula began shifting. Once DONA (Doulas of North America, now DONA International) jumped and incorporated the concept of a doula into a profession, we'd already heard about "renegade" doulas that commandeered labor rooms and antagonized the staff so dramatically, doulas were threatened with expulsion from labor and delivery rooms around the country. Therefore, DONA grabbed the opportunity to squelch such power-tripping by insisting that doulas did not speak on behalf of the client or her family. Doulas were not permitted to do anything that smacked of medical or midwifery care - no fetal heart tones, vaginal exams or blood pressure checks (something many doulas had been doing for years). DONA snapped the profession's back into sharp attention, kept her hands stiff at her sides and instructed for her (the multitude of doulas) to keep her eyes straight ahead and not look around.

By doing this, DONA saved the role of a doula, if not the very word itself. Doulas began changing their spiels to encompass words such as "supportive," "reminder," and "belief in you" - removing forever, at last in any literature or in public venues, the implication of advocate or director. Accepting that the changes were the only ones that could be made, women were suddenly back in control of their own birthing destinies.

Or were they?

(con't.)

You Buy The Hospital Ticket... 

(con't. Part 2)

Or were they?

Back to the beginning once again, the issues that brought doula-dom into existence in the first place - archaic birthing practices, patriarchal attitudes towards laboring women and unsubstantiated reasons for a plethora of rules and regulations - remained.

What's an enlightened woman to do?

Why, create a birth plan, of course.

Birth plans, in existence long before there were doulas (either in name or in idea), over time, have become more and more explicit and restrictive. I have easily read over 3000 birth plans and can tell you the grand majority of them are the same in 98% of their content.

- No episiotomy

- Allowed to move around in labor

- Allowed to eat and drink

- No formula or pacifiers

- Dad to stay with me the entire time

- No enema (yes, I still see this on birth plans)

- No shaving (unless you live in the backwoods of medical care, this is so absurd to put on a birth plan it is laughable - mostly laughable to those you are speaking to, the nurses in labor & delivery)

... and the litany goes on and on.

Interestingly, there are dozens of websites and hundreds of baby-oriented books and websites that make a birth plan into a formula for folks to fill in the blanks. How creative of them! It is extremely frustrating getting a cookie-cutter birth plan - as mentioned above, so many are exactly alike, why does anyone write one at all? I'm all for using one of the pre-planning birth plans as a template so your own needs and desires can come out of hiding. Sure, if you don't know what your options are, how will you know what to choose? But, my point is, once you have chosen, dump the look-a-like and create your own plan... with your own words... your own personality.

And make the thing short. I mean short short. A 3x5 card on one side. Double-spaced.

I can hear the ruckus even now. "But, you're just saying you don't like them because it limits you!" or "You would say that, you medwife person. You don't want anything individual interfering with your care." Bull. I'm telling it like it is to save you grief in labor and delivery! I'm trying to help you understand how tired they are seeing birth plans, how they never read them unless you get some alien nurse who happens to be in midwifery school and how it is a waste of your energy to write the same same same same same same same same thing as every other person that comes onto their floor.

(con't)

You Buy the Hospital Ticket... 

(con't. Part 3)

Dispense with the extraneous and write what matters!

- I will ask for pain medication. PLEASE DO NOT OFFER IT TO ME! (Make a pretty sign and tape it to the outside of the door. Make a couple in case it disappears.)

- Please, keep lights low unless it is crucial to my life or that of my child's. (Another great door sign.)

- Please KNOCK before entering (Door again.)

- Risks, benefits, consequences of refusal and alternatives are to be discussed before EVERY procedure on myself and my baby. (I learned that "informed consent" does not legally mean discussing risks and benefits. Watch that blanket form you sign upon check-in!!! It allows them to say they obtained informed consent.)

It's important to remember you attract more flies with honey than with vinegar; be kind, but be direct.
So, doesn't that directness set the stage for retaining autonomy and letting the providers know your wishes? It's also important to be open to listening to what they have to say. They absolutely might have something valid to share. It's been known to happen.

If the above points aren't your hot button issues, make your own points - but make them succinctly.

I believe the main reason for a birth plan is to facilitate communication between the parents... allowing them to see how each other feels about such important things like pain medication, circumcision and even vaccinations. Birth plans are great for everyone talking to each other. If it worked with the doctors and nurses, all the better, but it usually makes for some pretty antagonistic and stiff discussions in a prenatal visit and a bunch of rolling eyes in labor.

Once again, if you buy the hospital ticket, you go for the hospital ride.

If you buy a house and stand inside your palatial mansion saying to the builder, "But, I wanted a log cabin!" - the builder might wonder what the heck you were thinking going to a master-palatial-home-builder instead of a log cabin specialist.

If you want soy milk, don't milk a cow.

(con't.)

You Buy the Hospital Ticket... 

(con't. Part 4)

Why... why oh why... if you want a "home-like birth inside the hospital" aren't you considering a home or birth center birth? If you want control, why go where egotistical birth is the norm? If you want autonomy, why go where lawsuits and defensive medicine are the rule?

Ohhhhhh, because it's safer? Is that what you think? Oh!! I see. Well, if you believe hospital birth is safer and that's why you want to be there, then be there - with all it has to offer... in all its guises... in all its paranoid glory. Why would you try to manipulate a hospital's/doctor's/nurse's actions any more than you would try to manipulate the car mechanic's? If they aren't good enough for you, find another! (This is, of course, where choice is an option. I don't live in a dry well.) You're hiring someone to do the best they know how to do. LET THEM DO IT.

It is so funny hearing me say this. I really did used to be the doula who could get it all for her client - I am a great doula and monitrice - but it is more frustrating than words can say when a client says things like, "No drape between me and the incision during my cesarean because I want to watch." How the heck are you going to see your pubic area? You even can't see it when you are standing upright and leaning over! The curtain isn't just because you might not want to see the surgery (if you could remotely see down that far in the first place), but it is also in case you projectile vomit into your incision.

Note: Hospital rules are not in place to annoy you. Some are really important to the life and health of you and your child. Do people forget that? (Yes.)

I do understand that a number of women don't have a choice about where they deliver... there aren't midwives, the doctors are all the same, hospitals won't let them do VBACs... I do understand. However, in that case, I have found that going along for the ride makes for a much better experience instead of fighting the whole way. I don't want that to be a rape or abuse analogy at all, but one of "if that's what I have to have, then let me be gentle about it and see how good the experience can be."

I have seen women who go in without pre-conceived plans have better birth experiences, with less tension and worry, than women with elaborate desires and wishes written down or vocalized. Women tend to be treated more kindly if they seem to be on the same page as the nurses' and doctors' agendas. This might seem wrong or unfair, but is the truth.

(con't.)

You Buy the Hospital Ticket... 

(con't. Part 5)

So, how would I counsel someone who medically needed to be in the hospital? I would encourage remaining open to what the nurses and doctors had to offer. If they offer something and you don't want it, say so. Simple. Concise. I've been to births where my clients had no scripted birth plans and who had beautiful hospital births - ones where the nurses were respectful and we were left alone a great deal of the time to talk and laugh and spend time with each other.

My concern, and the reason for writing this piece, is in unrealistic expectations - across the board... with the client, her family, the doula, the childbirth educator... even midwives. Sure, docs and nurses also have unrealistic expectations, of another sort; many (most?) believe every woman has to have an epidural to have a happy birth experience, or that no one should have a VBAC. Those untruths are as incorrect as the ones that say if a woman has a birth plan she'll have a better birth.

I simply do not see that as realistic - or even close to happening in real life world.

Far more often, I watch as hard worked-for plans fall away and women feel more and more guilty and sad for the draining away of their desires. What if we worked on changing the reality of those desires? What if doulas and birth assistants and childbirth educators bluntly laid things on the line and said, "Just because your doctor agreed in the office doesn't mean it's going to happen in real time. You might never see your doctor again. Your doctor, after listening to your birth plan in the office, might know he will have to convince you once you are in labor that his/her way is the way to go. It is almost impossible to tell what someone will do (midwives included) until after the fact.

Doctors often say there is no such thing as normal birth except in retrospect. The same can be said for a provider doing what they say they will do.

Maybe if we (doulas, childbirth educators, midwives, nurses, doctors, etc.) all got real with women, they might make different choices altogether.

Maybe they would get really cranky and start demanding more humane births instead of the lip service paid touting million-dollar renovations in lieu of hiring more nurses with compassion and a gift for listening to women in labor... not just wanting to get them drugged and quiet.

(con't.)

You Buy the Hospital Ticket 

(con't. Part 6)

I don't know what the absolute answer is, but I do know it can't keep going the way it is... everyone fake dancing that each side is listening.

Really, knives are stabbing each other, scalpels cutting bellies, women medically paralyzed, drugs given to women begging for natural births - doctors and nurses working in a haze of "what will this look like in court?" and really, really believing they are doing the best thing for the health and safety of the mother and child.

Someone needs to just speak the truth. And it starts with me.

Where Else You Can Read About Natural Birth 

San Diego Chiropractic

Women find the experience of going to a Chiropractor during their pregnancies as one of the best things they do for themselves throughout the entire 9 month period.   Come see why!

San Diego Midwife

Looking for a San Diego midwife? I'll tell you great ways to pick through the similarities and find the perfect midwife for you and your family.

San Diego Midwife Talks About VBAC

I'm Barbara E. Herrera, LM, CPM and have been in the birth arena for 25 years and have assisted at about 900 births. I own Ama Mama Holistic Healthcare in San Diego, California and am a midwife for women wanting a homebirth all over San Diego and, of...

Home Birth Preparation

There is plenty of information out there about getting YOU ready for a homebirth, but what about your surroundings? This Lens is all about getting your house set for the changes that occur during and after a homebirth. Most of it isn't a huge product...

Navelgazing Midwife Suggests You Own or Read These Books! 

Maximizing Your Chances at Natural Birth

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth

by Ina May Gaskin

While I do have issues with Ina May's sometimes too hands-on style, this book still has some really wonderful things to offer. She gives so much of herself and lets women know they don't have to be sheeple in the face of the hospital masks and scrubs. The birth stories are the most fun for women - if you can ignore the vaginal exams and midwives telling women what to do.

Amazon Price: $11.56 (as of 05/17/2008)

Spiritual Midwifery

by Ina May Gaskin

Absolutely the most precious of all birth story books; dated beyond belief and the hippiest you can imagine. But, for any birth junkie, a must have! I've met many of the Farm midwives over the years and my, how they've changed. I've also been privileged to walk on the Farm, including standing in Ina May's kitchen as she baked bread - a true surreal moment. The Farm looks exactly as it does in this book. Read it over and over again. The text in the back is fantastic for DitY birthers and midwifery students.

Amazon Price: $13.57 (as of 05/17/2008)

Heart & Hands: A Midwife's Guide to Pregnancy & Birth

by Elizabeth Davis

Such a great book for student and apprentice midwives. This book was the first one that allowed me to "see" a baby in the pelvis. The drawings are that phenomenal! I refer to this book over and over again. Great for anyone who can't get enough of birth.

Amazon Price: $21.45 (as of 05/17/2008)

The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth

by Henci Goer, Rhonda Wheeler

If you need to argue about WHY you want something (or don't want something), this is the book for you. Ms. Goer isn't my favorite person in public, but who can argue with her research. She is meticulous and thank goodness for that! I encourage women to send this to doubting parents and parents-in-law, quote statistics to physicians and to memorize the statistics themselves when they get scared.

Amazon Price: $10.85 (as of 05/17/2008)

Birthing from Within: An Extra-Ordinary Guide to Childbirth Preparation

by CNM, MA, Pam England, PhD, Rob Horowitz

This is a must-read! Our Birthing From Within classes in San Diego are very popular whether you are having a baby with a midwife or doctor, a homebirth, birth center or hospital birth.

Amazon Price: $13.57 (as of 05/17/2008)

How Could I Possibly Have a Natural Birth? 

Won't It Hurt So Much I'll Lose My Mind?

• - When women are in bed, it hurts much more than when they are out of bed
  
  - Women are meant to be mobile during labor
  
  - The pelvis is not a "solid," but more of a semi-liquid... held together by cartilage that is very soft because of the hormones of pregnancy
  
  - The pelvis moves delightfully while mom "dances" during labor
  
  - The baby's head is also "semi-solid," not being complete bone and immobile during the birth
  
  - The baby is meant to shift positions during the labor
  
  - Babies shift and turn until they are in the proper position to be born... rotating like corkscrews
  
  - The baby and the mom BOTH move together during labor
  
  - The baby cannot move very effectively if mom is immobile
  
  - In fact, if mom is immobilized, the baby, who was in the act of rotating into the proper position for birth, can actually get stuck mid-rotation - a common reason for "Failure to Progress" and cesarean sections
  
  - When women are in the bed and immobilized, it hurts so much they ask for epidurals
  
  - Even I can understand asking for an epidural when a woman is stuck in a bed!
  
  - The pain is a sign to GET OUT OF THE BED AND MOVE!
  
  - It isn't a sign to get an epidural!
  
  - Probably the first thing is: DON'T GET INTO THE BED (in the first place!)
  
  - When women are strapped down by monitors and they have to hold still to "get a good tracing" on the baby, it isn't surprising at all it hurts so much they want an epidural
  
  - It just sucks that women get in bed at all
  
  - If women were able to have a care provider that listened to the baby with a doppler instead of with monitors, it would be a different ballgame
  
  - If 90% of you could find a doppler on your L&D floor, it would be a miracle greater than the parting of the Red Sea
  
  - Getting in water helps relieve pain
  
  - Water helps lift the uterus off the pain receptors and women find labor IMMENSELY easier
  
  - Why, with all the research on water labors and births, more hospitals don't "allow" them is beyond me - oh, yeah... that's right... they can't hook women to the plethora of electrodes and monitors when they are immersed
  
  - It hurts more because our culture tells us it is going to be the worst pain we will ever feel
  
  - It hurts more because everyone believes it will
  
  - It hurts in the hospital because birth is terrifying there
  
  - It hurts so much (emotionally and physically) in the hospital because you are no longer a human being - merely a number
  
  - It hurts so much (emotionally and physically) because you have had your dignity stripped from you - your clothes have been removed and you are now a number around your wrist
  
  - It hurts so much (emotionally, spiritually and physically) because strangers plunge their fingers inside your vagina whenever the mood strikes them (or when the clock/protocol says it is time to do so)
  
  - It hurts so much (emotionally, spiritually and physically) when your membranes are ruptured, especially without your full informed consent
  
  - It hurts so much (spiritually, emotionally and physically) when they tell you to do things you don't want to do - or CAN'T do - like push/don't push/drink this/don't drink anything/pee in this cup/quit yelling/open your legs/move over here/roll over/stop that/etc.
  
  - It hurts (spiritually and emotionally) when you are made to feel stupid, ignorant, wrong, bad, ugly, out of control or disgusting
  
  - It hurts when your support people are asked to leave during procedures
  
  - It hurts when you are told you are a failure and you have to be cut open to have your baby
  
  - It hurts to be told you aren't pushing right, do it better
  
  - It hurts when you are told you are shitting on the baby
  
  - It hurts to be told your nipples are "not good" for nursing and you probably won't be successful (why didn't someone tell you sooner and help you?!?)
  
  - It hurts when your baby is taken from you and sits in the warmer 10 feet away while you reach your arms out wanting him
  
  - It hurts while you are questioned for your wishes regarding Erythromycin, Vitamin K and Hepatitis B for your baby
  
  - It hurts when they tell you not to hold your baby so much
  
  - It hurts when they take your baby away to weigh her
  
  - It hurts when they roll their eyes whenever you talk about babywearing or extended breastfeeding
  
  - It hurts when they threaten to call Child Protective Services because you said you are not sure if you want to vaccinate yet
  
  - It hurts being a woman who has a mind of her own sometimes
  
  But with position changes... physical, emotional and spiritual... the pain resides, diminishes, recedes, vanishes. With support, love and knowledge... you can do ANYTHING.
  
  You can do anything.
  
  Even birth naturally.

Donna's Birth Story 

"A Hand's-Off Birth Story"

• This birth story is different than any I have ever written. As I share it, I watch the words go into midwife's ears and minds and watch as they try and grasp what it is I am saying. Know that, during most of my life as a doula/midwife, I would have totally thought, "what a fruitcake!" about me as a midwife, but I can assure you, the moral of this story is: I Serve the Mother and Her Family... however she needs that to occur.
  
  My client, Donna, was pregnant for the eighth time. She had had three hospital births with different doctors, four homebirths with same midwife, an episiotomy or tear with every birth, one shoulder dystocia that resulted in broken clavicle (homebirth), and three stuck shoulders (homebirths). Midwife management and unwelcome comments during the last four homebirths inspired Donna to find another midwife (me!). Donna and I "knew" each other 15+ years ago in La Leche League, but she watched me quietly on an Internet list as I shared about my midwifery style before choosing to talk with me.
  
  You see, she wanted an Unassisted Birth (Unassisted Childbirth is the term... UC or UnaBirth... sometimes Freebirth) and her husband, a couple of births previously, would have done that, but after the last child had some (midwife-perceived) issues at delivery, he insisted on a midwife. Her compromise was to find a midwife who would keep her hands off and her thoughts to her Self.
  
  As we got to know each other, I learned what she wanted. She wanted me to be there in case the baby needed help getting started or if she began hemorrhaging and that was pretty much it. While I have a fantastic history of hands on midwifery education from Casa de Nacimiento and a plethora of birth center and home birth clients over the years, I have been feeling myself less inclined to do something... more inclined to keep my hands out of the vagina... to trust that what I see and hear is The Truth that no cervical dilation can translate. It has been quite an evolution.
  
  At 39.4 weeks along, Donna's daughter calls and says, "Come now, it's soon!" and I fly out the door (without makeup... unheard of for me!) calling the other midwife (a Licensed Midwife Donna got to know as well) and I arrived at 5:20pm... the other midwife at 5:30pm. (Baby was born at 5:59pm!)
  
  Mom (naked) and Dad (clothed) were in the blow-up pool (she had debated another waterbirth, thinking she would want a land birth this time after four waterbirths) that I was surprised to see. The first pool, nearly filled, had popped and the older girls had to run out for another pool!
  
  All the kids who were able to, helped me carry in my equipment (I have two giant soft-side cases and two O2 tanks in Iron Duck bags) and then I entered the home, softly, breathing deeply before entering the room where the pool was.
  I watched for a moment and waited for the next contraction... and then for it to blow away... and I asked how she was doing. They said great and I asked if the baby was moving and she nodded and said a soft, "yes." I asked how she was feeling... drinking? One of her children brought over her Red Raspberry Leaf tea at that point for her to sip. And then, I retreated to set up the equipment, quietly, right outside the room. The other midwife came and helped me set-up and we checked everything; oxygen on, birth kit at the ready, med tray with syringes prepared... and then we sat and watched quietly.
  
  Mom started grunting and I heard her whisper that her water had broken and it was clear, so we charted that. She started pushing and, I know from our history, that the head being born is the most challenging part for her because of the tears and episiotomies that she had had and the only part that truly hurt for her. So, as she was leaning on her husband while on hands and knees, I heard her say, "I am scared. I am scared." Her husband whispered to her, but she looked up at me and said, "I am scared!" so I knelt down in front of her face and gently told her that she could do this. I suggested she put her hand on her baby's head and feel it come out slowly and that no matter what happened, we could take care of it. She pushed a little more... and the head was out!
  
  Everyone's attention was at her bottom end. I was sitting directly near her face and she had the most glorious picture of serenity and ecstasy... it gives me chills even now! I felt so honored to witness her bliss in those few moments.
  
  She waited for another contraction and asked everyone to come to the other side and I moved backwards as she began pushing her baby out. Momentarily, she thought the baby was stuck and her husband reassured her that he felt shoulders, but no cord, and the baby plopped out of her body. I moved to the side of the pool, just watching, as I could see a tight cord around the neck... twice. As the baby was being lifted out of the water, s/he was stopped short by the cord, so mom and dad both pushed the baby down into the water again (s/he had never gotten out of the water, just near the surface), unraveled her/him and then brought her/him up where s/he took a giant deep breath and sighed a loud "Ahhhhhh!" S/He made little futzy noises, mom sucked out a little mucous with her own mouth, nothing dramatic, and mom and dad just oo'd and ah'd over their latest addition.
  
  The baby latched on quickly (twelve minutes postpartum) and then mom asked the baby if s/he wanted out of the tub (about fifteen minutes postpartum) and as mom stood up and stepped over the side, a gush of blood mooshed into the water and I heard the other midwife whisper into my ear, "Do you want to check her fundus?" and I said, "Nope" as I watched this very alert mom talking to her family as they took guesses about the baby's gender. They didn't look for about twenty minutes... and it was a boy. They now had four boys and four girls ("A matched set!" mom said.).
  
  I could see that the placenta was detached (separation gush, no trickling) and asked mom if she was ready to deliver her placenta. She wanted to wait a couple of minutes and that was fine. When she was ready, we helped her stand and I stood underneath with a chux and she pulled the cord a bit and out plopped her placenta (6:25pm). We had her cough because there were trailing membranes, but those came out just fine. She sat down and nursed her new son and her toddler son! I took pictures.
  
  Donna was not ready to cut the cord, so we put the placenta, in the chux, in a bowl next to her (she had seriously considered a Lotus Birth), and after an hour or so, she went to her bed with the baby and the placenta in the bowl. She got up to pee and there was no tear! This was her first birth with no tear. As she showered, dad held baby and then she hopped back into the bed where she did the newborn exam (cursory looking to see how things were... I wanted to see the spine... everything else could wait). I pulled out my flannel sling and dad weighed the baby (it was the first time someone else did not weigh their baby). I stood by smiling.
  
  I went home after this, but returned for a more in-depth exam of the baby the next day.
  
  But, what is great (besides the whole thing) is that this was their first child who did not have a bulb syringe shoved up its nose (mom's words), the first child where mom and dad were the first to touch him, the first child that dad got to catch despite four previous homebirths where, at the last minute, the midwife jumped in the way, her first time not tearing, and the first time she had no vaginal exams (the entire pregnancy OR labor)... the first time she was the one who called the shots. This was her birth... hers and her husband's and family's. It was such a privilege to witness.
  
  The only piece of "equipment" that I used at this birth was my sling scale and I was not even the one to use it, dad did. I left them my scissors and a clamp to cut the cord when they were ready (about 20 hours later... and mom got to cut this cord, yet another first). Otherwise, I did nothing but observe and Be there for what she hired me for: emergencies.
  
  Someone made a comment that I was doula-ing, but I was midwifing. I was watching her clinically, judging blood loss, watching that baby closely for breathing issues, etc. I just didn't have to do anything. How cool is that?
  
  The other midwife and I were totally blown away high by this birth and it caused us to re-examine our beliefs of what a midwife needs to do at a birth and what a midwife could do at a birth. I was more relaxed about moments of concern such as the blood loss or the baby not being totally pink while still in the water, probably because my relationship with the family was more intimate, but she was loving and gentle and respectful as well, all the while. We were merely witnesses to the most fabulous experience of our "careers" as midwives. While I am glad that I have the clinical skills I need in an emergency (and many I don't need in an emergency, it was the best lesson in the world to use everything but my hands at this birth. My mind, eyes, and Spirit were my midwifery tools that day.
  
  A note before I close: Neither the other midwife or I ever touched this baby that entire first day of his birth. It was one of the major requests this mom had because all her other children had been dressed by the nurses or midwife. She wanted this child naked! It was odd to not examine the child, and I wouldn't do that in every circumstance, that is for sure, but she knew what she was doing and I honored her desires implicitly.
  
  She has told her friends and family this was The Perfect Birth.
  
  I am humbled and blessed.

Irrelevance of Time 

(Part 1)

Imagine you are that woman living in the jungle. She has no clocks, only seasons. She knows the stars and the tides, but they are a part of her more than a conscious thought.

Her baby grows within her without conscious thought. The baby has zero concept of time. Is it time to grow a toenail? Time for that 30th hair on my head? It just happens.

Our jungle (or desert or forest or Amish) woman lives her life. She pays passing notice to the increased weight on her joints, the frequency to pee, but she lives her life. She harvests the food, or makes the bowls, or cleans the hut, or builds the house, or skins the animals or cleans the clothes in the river with her other sisters, pregnant and not. She does not have the luxury of sitting still and wondering about her body.

Contractions touch her body, but things need to be done. She knows from experience that when her labor is enough to slow her down, then it will be time to seclude herself. No one in the tribe even has a word for "Braxton-Hicks Contractions" or "prodromal labor" because the women have too much to do to stop and think about twinges (strong or not). The elders steal quick glances as she leans over again and again as she hangs the clothes to dry, but no one mentions
anything; the woman has enough... enough inside herself to Do this work. And they all believe.

Once labor begins, depending on the culture, she might labor alone or with another woman or several women in attendance. Labor knows no time. There is no watch. No clock ticking on the wall. No one says, "you've been 4 centimeters for 6 hours now, time for pitocin." Labor is allowed to unfold in its own way. The women around her merely witness, remind her of her strength, press cold cloths to her face and hot ones to her lower back. And they all believe.

Pushing, the same thing... no clocks timing how long to push... that counting to 10 three times for each push would seem absurd to our jungle woman! She pushes when she feels it. No one touches her cervix to feel if she is "complete." She *is* complete. Without anyone checking anything. Her completeness is simply a part of her existence.

When I was nursing Tristan at night, I nearly went bonkers because of how often he wanted (needed) to nurse. I would grind my teeth as I saw that he had "just nursed" 45 minutes earlier... that now I was awake for longer than I had been asleep... and that bred anger and resentment.

Irrelevance of Time... 

(con't. Part 2)

When Meggie was born, I learned to cover the clock... or, better yet... remove it from the room. When she wanted to nurse, I was there, present, nursing my baby who, in the wilds of the world, would have clung to me for survival. It is the instinct she was born
with.

That same survival place that caused her to grow to health and wholeness... that didn't trigger labor until her lungs were fully ready to be born... that didn't know that I was tired when she was ready (and didn't care)... that I was there to serve her. My body, in pregnancy and in nursing... and eventual continuous mothering... I was her complete servant. She didn't give one whit about time.

I encourage women to let go of time. Grow your babies. Feel those tightenings. Embrace the beauty of your heartburn, your frequent peeing, your insomnia, your separated pubic bones, your weight gain... and your baby's movements under your flesh, your child's
inner hiccups, your 100% safe-from-the-difficulties-of-this-world child.

Time, as trite as it sounds, is so fleeting. I pine for those aches and pains. My youngest is now 19 years old. I am sorry for wishing those moments of difficulty away. I speak so others might take a deep and grounding breath, say a prayer or incantation if that is your way, and stay in the moment with your child. It is the only time ever you two will be alone.

As your baby grows without guidance and conscious thought, so too, begins labor and birth.

And we all believe.

Where Natural Birth Is Normal 

(Click Around the Web to Learn More)

Navelgazing Midwife (My) Blog

My blog - filled with information about midwifery, medical stuff and me. Might be way TMI about me, so let the reader beware!

20 Years of Birth Stories

This is also one of my blogs, specifically dedicated to birth stories. I add them as they are written and periodically write old ones and add those, too. I have far, far more in my history than are here in this blog. I need to get to writing!

Midwife: Sage Femme, Hebamme, Comadrona, Partera

Pamela's wonderful site about her life as a midwife and co-mama with her partner. I don't always agree with her (though you would think we'd be absolute kindred spirits what with our many similarities), but I respect her immensely. Read her and learn - a LOT!

One Tenacious Baby Mama

This is an amazingly blunt, biting and sometimes stabbing blog. Tenacious (as I call her) infuriates so many people I can only love her that much more. Her wicked wide political swings won't come near to many of our beliefs, but she makes me think every single time I read any word she writes. Oh, and she is all into natural birth, too. Keep reading and you'll find it.

I'd Love to Hear What You Think 

What more would you like to see? Thoughts and ideas welcome!

youanddave Terrific lens! I had two amazing home births and am still amazed and grateful to have had the awesome experience and VERY healthy kids, now teens. So GLAD to see this info out where more will read it instead of latching on to negative birthing war stories. Thanks! Posted September 07, 2007

little-honey Hey, I'll have to come back and read everything. You've put a lot of work into this! Thanks for being here. Posted August 10, 2007

BaaBaaBlankies What a fantastic lens! My 2 younger children were born in a birthing center with midwives. Not only was it financially practical for us but I remember the births much better than my 1st. Barbara www.BaaBaaBlankies.com Posted July 29, 2007

Tiffany Great topic and great information! I had two natural birhts. Posted July 27, 2007

Carrie Love it! I had 4 natural births (3 at home) and they were the most wonderful experiences of my life. Great page :) Posted July 25, 2007

EverythingMouse An amazing lens. There is so much hope and insight here. I know what a difference it makes to have an exceptional doula - she gave me hope after a traumatic birth experience and for that I will always be grateful. Thank you for your wisdom and support. Posted July 25, 2007

CherylQ

You have all my favorites right here! So good to read them again.

Posted July 23, 2007

redpomegranate

Another chance to read your writing?! Whoppee! Felicidades!

Posted July 23, 2007

ev

You wise, wise woman! I love your words and am so happy I found you. Keep sharing the knowlege.

Posted July 22, 2007

jeanie

i will be reading tis lens over and over! i am really wanting a homebirth for our future second baby... thanks for creating this informativeplace. i loved reading about Donna's Perfect birth <3

Posted July 22, 2007

 

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