Raising nice kids

"Why aren't kids more respectful?" It's a common complaint. "Respect" is searched on Google three times more than any other common virtue, including compassion, gratitude and manners. The simple answer is that, as a culture, we are focused on developing our kids' self worth and confidence at the expense of teaching them to respect others.
I spent some time (okay, a lot of time) looking through a subject guide for children's picture books. What I found amazed¬-and worried-me.
Most picture books that focus on character development attempt to boost a kid's self-confidence. I put these in the first (left) column in the chart below (Boosting the ego). Some of the titles: "Incredible Me!","I Like Me!", and "The One and Only Me!" In that column I also included virtues that make kids feel good about themselves. For example, kids feel good when they are kind, generous, and helpful.
In contrast, the virtues in the second (right) column are a little hard to sell to kids. Kids don't always feel great when they have to be patient, respectful, or honest. These are virtues that we value very highly as a society, but they involve sacrificing your immediate wants and needs for the good of others.



As this chart shows, it's really hard to find picture books that tell kids why they shouldn't always get what they want immediately, why they need to tell the truth even if it's hard, and why they need to clean their rooms. This job is left to the parents. We are the heavies, and our culture isn't backing us up.
These results also raise the question, what kinds of kids are produced by a culture that focuses so completely on the self-worth of children and their wants and needs? Self-esteem is important, but it has to be balanced by teaching children the value and importance of putting others first.
In later modules, I will include some suggestions to help jumpstart a discusion about these "tough-sell" virtues with kids.

I am known in my family as the sleep Nazi. Bedtimes are firm and rarely extended. I am a creature of habit, so this fits my lifestyle, but the real reason for my sleep vigilance is a book I read when my kids were babies. It was called Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, by Marc Weissbluth. This is the only parenting book that I have given as a gift (several times). It can be a controversial book, because the author recommends letting babies "cry it out" to help them regulate their sleep. Whether or not you are comfortable with that practice, there is other great stuff in this book. Here are my best take-aways:

1. As babies, each naptime serves a specific function. Babies show activity and growth in different parts of the brain during their morning nap than during their afternoon nap. His message - don't skip or combine naps until your baby is ready to drop them naturally.

2. Many fussy kids are sleep deprived. Once kids become sleep deprived, it actually becomes more difficult for them to fall asleep because the hormones they produce when overly tired keep them awake.

I notice an enormous difference in the behavior of my kids when they are tired. They become short tempered and unreasonable. A late night out has a big impact on our enjoyment of the following day. I'm not saying that we never miss bed time - sometimes it can't be helped. But my kids are a whole lot nicer when they are well-rested.

In the last few years, I've learned more about the important things that happen during sleep for both kids and adults. Growth happens during sleep. I joke with my kids about this when they have a hard time waking up - it must be because they grew last night! Sleep deprivation also leads to weight gain (it has nothing to do with that big slab of chocolate my aunt left in the freezer).