Spanking Is NOT an Effective Parenting Tool

There are many advocates for corporal punishment (spanking) that argue that children who misbehave (or seriously misbehave) will only respond to spanking and that parents who do not spank such kids "spoil" them. As stated above, spanking teaches kids that violence is a good way to handle difficult situations.

One of TV's more popular advice experts, psychologist Dr. Phil McGraw, notes on his website (www.drphil.com) that research has shown that "long-term consequences of spanking can include increased aggressiveness, antisocial behavior, and delinquency."

No matter what immediate benefits that spanking may bring (stopping the misbehavior) to the parents, do they also want to accept the potential long term and disastrous consequences?

In many cases parents spank because they simply don't have an ideas or approaches to stop the misbehavior that does not include spanking. Many parents simply raise their children in the manner that they were raised. Often times parents do things without even being aware that they are repeating a behavior they were taught as a child.

So how do parents break the "spanking cycle"? A good way is to become informed about the alternative ways of discipline. These alternatives may be more time consuming and frustrating but on one ever said parenting was easy.

Take the time to talk to your child. It may take a while for your child to respond to "talking" but with consistency and firmness in your approach it can be a much more satisfying and educational moment for both you and your child.

Whether the child is 3 or 9, taking the time to express and communicate your displeasure with a behavior is a rich learning moment. It may not feel that way at the time, but by honesty and sincerely expressing your discontent in language that reaches your child, you are showing real concern and engaging your child in a way that teaches him respect and good communication.

The consistent show of respect and patience in listening to your child explain his behavior will teach your child the importance of dignity and compassion during those times when it matters most.

You will be exhausted and it will take likely far greater effort than a spanking, but the benefit will far outweigh the inconvenience of fatigue. You don't have to be perfect as a parent; you just have to be willing to take each disciplinary experience as a learning one for you and your child. They kids may not be the only ones who needs to learn a thing or two.

Even the most well meaning parents may find themselves yelling or spanking their child in a moment of anger. This often happens because the parent feels out of control, or because the child's misbehavior has gone on far too long. Gentle discipline doesn't mean no discipline at all, nor does it mean permissive or ineffective discipline. If you're endeavoring to parent gently, you need tools and skills to draw from when your kids push the boundaries. Here are some tips that have helped other parents.

1) Plan Ahead

One of the principles of good discipline is planning ahead. Instead of reacting all the time to your child's misbehavior, sit down and make a list of behaviors that are bothering you the most. Pick two or three to work on improving. Then sit down and talk with your child about these issues (depending on his or her age and maturity level) and ask for his help. Tell him that you would rather not spank or punish and ask your child how you can help enforce the family's rules. You might be surprised at the answers he comes up with.

2) Journal

Keep a notebook handy and write down behaviors that seem to push your "buttons", as soon as they occur and before you decide how to react. This gives you a little distance from your emotions and makes it easier to discipline with love and principle. You might have to explain to your child that you're upset and need a few moments to think about what to do.

3) Express Yourself

In the heat of the moment, it's easy to fall into the shame, blame game. Instead of saying something you'll regret, tell your child how you feel using "I" statements. For instance, "I feel so angry right now because there is paint all over the wall. I don't like when my walls are painted on." Don't be afraid to be honest with your feelings. Often your children will be moved to make amends when you express yourself without demeaning them. This communication tool teaches your child valuable relationship skills.

4) Mommy Time Out

If you find yourself getting upset by a child's behavior, try removing yourself from the situation for a few minutes. Tell your child that you are upset and need a few moments to calm down, and that you will talk about what happened when you return. With very young children who can't be left unsupervised, just closing your eyes for a moment and explaining to your toddler that "Mommy needs to be quiet for a minute. Go play with your toys and then I will talk with you." Then breathe deep, call a friend, go outside for a quick walk, or pray so that you can get perspective on the situation.

5) Use One Word

It's extremely frustrating to tell a child the same reminder over and over. But instead of yelling or lecturing, try to phrase the request or reminder in just one word. This can be refreshing to the child and the parent too. As an example, let's say you have a child who consistently leaves his shoes in the doorway and you've tripped on them one too many times. Instead of going into a tirade, try simply stating: "Shoes!". It's ok to be animated. He'll probably know what you're talking about immediately and solve the problem without another word.

6) Humor

Laughter is one of the best ways to immediately cut tension and garner a child's cooperation. The next time the kids are at each other's throats, pick up the phone and make a pretend 911 call to the police asking for Barney Fife to come break up the fight. Don a face mask and gloves and tape a biohazard sign on the door when you enter your child's room to nudge him into cleaning mode. Buy a foam baseball bat and knock him playfully. You'll probably both end up laughing.

7) Educate yourself

Knowing what you can reasonably expect of your child developmentally will avoid you setting yourself (and your child) up for disappointment. For example, it's unrealistic to expect a 5 year old to understand property rights (meaning that kids this age often steal, no matter what they're taught). It's also unrealistic to expect an 8 year old boy to have perfect table manners. Just as you don't expect a newborn to sleep through the night or a toddler to cross the street alone, don't expect more of your kids than they can reasonably perform. Reading parenting books can help with that, as well as talking with other, especially older parents whose kids have grown through these stages of development.

Parenting isn't easy - it's a lot of work. It requires patience, flexibility and a great sense of humor. But it can be a wonderful opportunity for personal growth and the rewards are there for those who work at it.

There is a very large faction of parents that spank their children for religious reasons. They believe that God WANTS them to spank their children. The Bible has lots of excellent advice for parenting and family but the decree from God to spank our children just isn't there. Christians who opt to spank their kids need to realize that their actions are NOT sanctioned by any passages in the Bible. The decision to spank is a personal parenting decision and nothing more. Don't use the Bible as justification.

Christians have been taught for years that the scripture at Prov. 13:24 proves that spanking is approved of and even endorsed in the Bible.

He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him - Prov. 13:24, New International Version

There are four basic reasons why using this scripture as evidence that God WANTS us to spank children is pure foolishness.

1. The word rod can literally be translated as a stick or a staff. The "assumption" is that this must be a weapon for hitting but yet when we look at other instances where this word is used we see a rod is NOT a weapon or a hitting implement. The word rod is also used in reference to shepherds. They use rods to guide their sheep and to help lift them when they get stuck or tangled. Shepards did not "hit" their sheep with these rods. If anything we should take the use of the word rod to mean we need to guide our kids, help them when they get lost, and lead them in the way they should go like a shepherd leads their flock.

2. The word discipline comes from the root word disciple. A disciple follows the teachings of someone and to discipline would be to TEACH. Somewhere along the way, various churches and translation groups have decided to make discipline synonymous with punishment and chastisement but the word actually refers to teaching. So when we read in the Bible that we must not withhold discipline it is saying we should not withhold our instruction and guidance. We should not allow our kids to run wild with no parental instruction. A loving parent will teach and guide their child and not leave them to their own devices.

3. This scripture is often changed in various Bible translations. The version you see above is a very close translation, however many other Bible translations have changed the verse to say things like "He who beats his son, loves his son" and "Whoever refuses to spank his son hates him". How can you trust your Bible or your minister when they have changed the meaning of the scriptures like that?

4. The verse at Proverbs was written by King Solomon who had 700 wives and was not the best example to follow. If we want an example to imitate we should imitate the greatest teacher of all time... Jesus Christ. He disciplined in love and kindness and there are many passages that show how he related to children and he never hit them once.

In short, spanking is not endorsed or suggested in the Bible as many believe. Spanking is not a Biblical directive and Christians need to be aware of that. If anything, spanking does not fit within the overall theme of the Bible. How does causing physcial pain to your child compare to love, being long suffering, kindness, being slow to anger, turning the other cheek, etc? It doesn't fit and it doesn't make sense that the Bible or God would endorse spanking.

One of the key components of peaceful and attached parenting is the intent to build a deep bond between parent and child that will create an atmosphere of love and unyielding trust. Most will agree in any situation that creating an atmosphere of trust would not involve hitting or physical coercion. This applies to the parent/child relationship as well, if not more so. A parent that seeks a loving attachment to his or her child should always seek to parent peacefully and consensually and this is the goal of attachment style parenting.

In decades past, spanking as a method of discipline was accepted and encouraged and when anger flares up as it has the tendency to do on occasion, spanking often becomes the quickest and easiest way to handle a situation. However, any benefit that can be had by spanking is a short term solution and the long term lessons we teach by spanking can be hard to counteract at the end of the day. Hitting models hitting, it devalues the parent and the child, it promotes anger, and it just doesn't work long term. It is important to build upon your repertoire of positive parenting skills and tools.

Redirect

Redirecting is a technique often used by creative parents to direct energy or urges into useful activities. If your younger child is reaching for something inappropriate or something that may cause injury you can remove the inappropriate item and redirect their attention elsewhere. This can be done with an age appropriate toy, a game, a song%u2026something that distracts them from the unwanted behavior or item and channels their urges into a more positive direction. This practice goes hand in hand with the practice of removing temptation in the first place. If you have a lovely glass figurine that you do not want your child to touch, do not leave it in a place that is accessible to them. Attached parents anticipate their children's actions and are proactive in avoiding conflicts in the first place.

Talk to Your Child

This seems to be one of the most overlooked methods of discipline but yet the very word discipline means instruction or teaching and the most effective way to teach or instruct is to open dialogue between you and your child. Speak with them and decipher the reasons behind their behavior. What needs do they have that are not being met? Are feelings of frustration causing them to act out in less than desirable ways? There is no better way to get to the heart of the issue than to talk with your children and let them know they can trust you to not only listen to them but to see if there is an acceptable resolution for both of you so that everyone's needs can be met. Even from an early age we should get used to using words (not hands) to diffuse situations and resolve conflict. Instead of punishing them for misbehaving, teach them what they can do differently in the future.

Give Your Child Choices

Children respond well to being included in the decision making process and will be more compliant with your wishes if they have some input. If your child is hitting a sibling you might give them the choice to either remain in the room without hitting or play alone in another room. If your child is conflicted about bed time you could offer to let them decide what their pre-bedtime readiness activity will be, either reading a book or taking a bath. Children will respond better to choices than to draconian commands.

Discipline does not have to mean conflict and angst for the whole family. If we choose to look at discipline for what it really is, an opportunity to teach and instruct, there is no reason why the process cannot be peaceful and positive for all.

You may be reading this lens and thinking to yourself that YOU know some parents who have chosen not to spank and their kids are a bunch of wild brats! How do I know this? Well, as a non-spanking parent this is exactly what I hear from other parents, ALL THE TIME. Everyone knows a guy, who knows a guy, whose knows someone, who doesn't spank, and their kids are straight from the devil!!

Please understand that choosing not to spank does not mean you are choosing to not parent effectively. Adopting a more respectful and peaceful parenting style is not synonymous with lazy, uninvolved parenting. And there ARE many lazy uninvolved parents out there but attachment parents are not among them. There are many parents who may choose not spank because they themselves were spanked or abused as kids. Unfortunately many take it a bit too far and withhold any type of guidance that may be "perceived" by their kids as controlling or authoritarian. They are more concerned with being a friend to their child than being a parent and these kids will often learn that it is they, not their parents, who control the family dynamic and call the shots. Still other parents who do not spank have not consciously chosen NOT too... they just avoid any issues that require effort on their part. It is easier for them to allow their kids to do as they please rather than try to discipline. These parents are not humanitarians... they are just lazy.

Parents who consciously choose a more respectful and peaceful way to co-exist with their kids, such as attachment parents, have chosen not to spank for all the reasons listed on this lens. But they do not allow the family dynamic to be altered so much that the kids run the show and they become the helpless audience. They work with their kids to find compromise that the whole family can live with, they communicate and develop and attachment to their kids so that their kids trust them and confide in them. The children know their needs will be met so they have few reasons to rebel or act out. They do not see control and manipulation being modeled by their parents and so it is not something they see as advantageous to them.

So in short... NO... our kids are not wild, disrespectful brats and here is why. Key aspects of peaceful, attached, connected parenting include:

* Encouraging positive behavior
* Having realistic expectations and an understanding of age appropriate behaviors
* Expression of feelings through words rather than actions
* Helping children to learn acceptable ways to express excitement and frustration
* Using positive communication skills
* Motivating your children through love not fear or intimidation
* Empowering children by acknowledging their ability to assume responsibilities and make decisions
* Disciplining as a teaching method - not as punishment or a coercion tactic
* Helping children to understand that mistakes are inevitable and love is not conditional
* Resolving conflicts in a respectful and peaceful way
* Creating a safe and engaging environment for our children
* Creating a positive learning environment
* Creating a stress free, enjoyable atmosphere for the whole family

Young parents get scared when they hear stories about the "terrible twos." Take courage, though, you will survive the toddler stage. It's not easy to understand why your toddler has a tantrum but at such a young age, a child is consumed with thoughts of themselves. Everything is about them and how they feel. Until they are taught how to share, every toy or piece of food they see automatically belongs to them.

Toddler temper tantrums can have a variety of effects. Your first thought might be that everyone is focused on you and your screaming child, but getting embarrassed won't diffuse the situation. Besides, as a parent, you have many more years of embarrassing situations to look forward to courtesy of your children. So worrying about what others think during this situation is simply going to stress you and make you feel worse.

Here are a few tips to help you cope during tantrums:

1. Ignore the tantrum. This technique works best when at home. In public places, you don't want to ever leave your child unattended as a form of punishment. Good behavior in public begins at home. Ignoring a toddler is not harsh. If your child is squirming on the floor screaming for a cookie, continue to talk to them as if you never noticed. Eventually, they will get the hint and stop screaming.

2. Avoid instant gratification. In public, toddlers throw tantrums when they are denied something that they want. Some parents give in to keep their child quiet but a child learns quickly. Tantrums will continue if they know you will cave. Simply tell them "no" and keep moving.

3. Don't get angry. When you scream and they scream the situation is wildly out of control. You'll end up crying and your toddler will still be screaming. In any situation, raised voices mean civilized conversation has ended in favor of basic primal instincts. Don't revert back to the days of early man. Keep using the same calm voice you use when they are behaving to get your child to calm down as well.

4. Praise your toddler when they behave well. Positive reinforcement is better than negative. In the absence of positive attention a child will behave badly just to get some attention at all. Acting out and throwing tantrums may be a cry for attention. Don't let it get to this point. Clap and celebrate when they go to the potty successfully and when they put away their toys. Good manners such as saying "please" and "thank you" deserve a smile and a hand clap as well.

5. Run errands after nap time. Kids get punchy when they get tired. A toddler misbehaves more often if they are dragged around when they are tired.

6. Carry snacks with you. Low blood sugar can lead to tantrums. If you are out longer than anticipated and lunch or dinner time is close at hand, let them eat a healthy snack to keep their hunger pains at bay and sugar levels stable.

7. Be consistent. At home, you might use "time out" to deal with a tantrum for bad behavior. In public do the same. Sit your child on a bench for five minutes or take them to the car. Eventually they will learn that you are not a pushover and that acting out will not help them get what they want.

And remember... you will survive the toddler years.

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