How to Tell a Person You're Not Interested

With all the "no"s, the lame excuses, and subtle cues, why does this person continue to pursue you? Most people pick up the non-verbals and move on. But some people don't have the social or interpersonal skills. He is trying so hard or he is so convinced that he can get you to like him, that he overlooks or ignores the non-verbals.

In addition, you're being nice. You don't want to hurt someone or make him/her feel bad. You can tell this person is a little different and you don't want to make it any worse.

But you are making it worse by being nice. It's time to stop the subtle cues and be frankly direct. Do you even know what subtle cues you're using that aren't working?

You may have already done or tired some of these things. You don't want to hurt or offend the person, so you give some subtle clues such as:

• you space out or ignore the conversation
  
• you won't give your phone number
  
• you make him/her pay for dates and activities
  
• you won't make eye contact
  
• you never initiate contact of any kind (text, email, phone)
  
• you don't answer the phone or respond to texts or emails
  
• you talk about your boyfriend
  
• you cringe or pull back when he/she tries to make physical contact
  
• you break a date in a flaky manner
  
• you won't commit to an invitation
  
• you cross your arms or lean away when he/she talks to you
  

These are natural reactions, but you may be surprised to know that some people actually mis-read these cues as showing interest. If you're reading this, it must mean that the cues haven't worked and the person is still after you. Now what?

1. Get prepared.
He/she will show up or call at the most unexpected times. You'll be flustered or surprised. He/she will catch you off-guard and you won't know what to say. You'll go back to the subtle cues, which haven't worked before, and you're leading him/her on. If you're prepared, you'll know what to say and do and it will come naturally.

2. Choose a Phrase
Look through the list of "Not Interested" phrases below and choose one or mix and match to come up with something you feel comfortable with. You may need more than one to work with different situations.

3. Memorize the Phrase
It's not hard, they're short! If you don't memorize, you may stumble over your words and give the impression that you don't really mean it.

4. Practice with a Friend
This will actually be lots of fun. Find a friend or family member and practice. You can even trade sides to see what it's like, but don't get empathetic.

5. Say it With Meaning
Don't apologize or have a look of "I'm so sorry I'm hurting you..." Say it simply, directly, without emotion or hesitation. Be kindly, not mean, but be straight, factual, and brief.

6. Turn and Leave
Don't stick around waiting for him/her to ask what you mean or try again. Say it and say goodbye; then leave.

Now comes the hard part. The subtle clues haven't worked, so now it's time to be direct. It's ok to be kind, but you should be direct and clear. Let there be no understanding.

This is important especially for girls or women being chased by a boy or man. It's better to take care of this early before the person feels entitled or becomes angry or perhaps even begins to stalk you.

I know a girl that had a boy showing up at the end of her classes. She couldn't figure out how he knew where her classes were. It was kind of spooky for her.

Let him/her know early and tell him/her clearly you're not interested. It might seem more painful, but actually, it is the kindest thing to do. Most boys or guys who have poor social skills and can't read the non-verbals, would still rather know for sure you aren't interested rather than continuously being turned down.

You can be kind and civil, but don't do anything to lead the person on. Don't be too kind or nice; don't say maybe later (that's like feeding a juicy bone to a hungry dog); don't say I'll have to ask my parents; don't say I'll have to check my schedule. Just matter of factly, unemotionally without a smile, let him/her know you're not interested. See the phrases below.

Be sure to do it firmly and correctly the first time. If you fudge or hint or apologize, you may have to do it again causing you and the other person more pain and agony.

First time, soft

• You know, you're a nice guy... but I'm not interested in you in that way.
  
• We can be friendly, but I'm interested in other boys.
  
• It was fun, but I have other interests.
  
• You're an ok person, but there's no chemistry between us.
  
• Oh you're a nice guy, but I don't think we could work out. I'm sorry.
  
• You're a nice person, but I don't think it would work out.
  
• We had a nice time on our date, but I don't think we should continue dating.
  
• You're a good guy, but I'm not interested in going out with you any more.
  
• I had a nice time, but I don't think we should go out anymore.

After first time, FIRM:

• I'm not interested in dating you. Please don't call me again.
  
• No, I won't be your girlfriend. Don't ask me again. I don't want to see you again.
  
• No, I don't think so.
  
• No, I'd rather not.
  
• I don't appreciate your texts. Don't text me again.
  
• No, that wouldn't be good.
  
• Under no uncertain terms will I date you now or ever, and I appreciate in advance you leaving me alone.
  

Some of the phrases start with "no." That's a good lead, because it's clear and direct. Don't elaborate on why you're not interested or apologize. Be brief and unemotional.

The risk of the soft phrases is that some guys or girls won't hear anything after the "but" and take it positively. Remember Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd is talking to Mary?

Lloyd: What are the chances of a guy like you and a girl like me... ending up together?
Mary: Well, that's pretty difficult to say.
Lloyd: Hit me with it! I've come a long way to see you, Mary. The least you can do is level with me. What are my chances?
Mary: Not good.
Lloyd: You mean, not good like one out of a hundred?
Mary: I'd say more like one out of a million.
[pause]
Lloyd: So you're telling me there's a chance.

It's best if you just start with the firm phrases. If you must be gentle the first time, move to the firm phrases the next time it happens. Any positive comment or smile or hesitancy from you, may be telling the person, he/she has a chance.

Being nice is actually hurting him or her. The best thing for that person is straight, unemotional talk.