Living with OCD and an Addictive personality

Here we go again, another day another dollar as they say. Today is Tuesday and May something or the other. I have no reason to know the exact date as I never make plans more than a day in advance and more often than not I never know what the time is either...lol.

I stopped doing the date and time thing about 5 years or so ago as a way of helping me to cope with OCD which had taken a real grip on me round about then. At that time I was governed by both the date and the time, having to do particular things at the exact time, but not the same things every day. On specific dates I had to do these tasks in reverse for example, which wasn't too bad untill these times and tasks had to be multiplied by seven and then twelve untill eventually the numbers became so high that I had no time for anything else.

I'd spend the time inbetween each task calculating, multiplying one day with another and subtracting before being satisfied that I had cracked the mathematical code for my absolutely necessary tasks to run smoothly. So...there I was each day calculating, cracking the code by the skin of my teeth so that I then had no time to lose. I knew exactly how long to the second each task would take me for that day and if I went over the amount of minutes by even just 30 seconds then I knew that it would be impossible to complete the rest of my tasks for that day within the time allowed by my calculations, and this would mean a whole new set of calculations to balance out everything...but I would be in such a panic that I had ruined the entire day for everyone I knew, as this is what was driving my compulsive behaviour at that time. The worry that everyone was depending upon me getting it right else something terrible would happen to them was over-whelming, quite a scary time for me, especially when the calculation results were an impossibility to achieve because there werent enough hours in the day to complete all of my tasks .

This got to the point that I knew that I had to find a coping strategy immediately. I was frantically scribbling down every possible calculation...looking at the clock constantly...and then suddenly it hit me like a tonne of bricks...I had cracked it. I had my coping strategy right in front of me...remove all the clocks...why hadn;t I thought of this before! To me it was the obvious solution...lolol...so out went the clocks, and out went the constant calculating with them, out went the fears that peoples lives depended on me and in came a feeling of euphoria. Oh happy days were here again...for about a year or so when along came my next compulsion followed by the next n so on.

But I refused to be governed by the time and dates ever again, in fact I began doing the complete opposite of which I felt was compelling me...I was fighting back! I was getting up just as the rest of the world was going to bed, working whilst the world slept, having breakfast at dinner time etc.This made me feel in control of my life again which of course was ridiculous, but I just couldnt see that I was just as compelled to do the total opposite of everbody else than I had been to do the calculating tasks on time the year before...and that is where I am still at today.

I have gone from one extreme to the other, I know that now, but the thing is that I just cannot stop...so I will soon need another coping strategy to get me out of this huge hole which I have dug for myself before it is so deep that the only way out will be up...and as I can only do the opposite of anything I have to do ...up means down...doesnt it !

These have been, and some still are, my ways of being able to cope with some of the obsessive compulsions which I have struggled with. You may think them a little extreme to say the least and I understand that as I also think the same about them but, OCD takes prisoners & I am in jail with no choice but to do as OCD demands me to do.

I used to enjoy going out even just to the shops or to visit a friend, being outside gave me some kind of release from the huge amount of things I was compelled to do whilst I was at home. It's funny how I don't feel compelled to do my own "indoors" compulsions when I am in the home of someone else. It doesn't bother me in the slightest if they have things plugged in to the mains and the switch is left on. I don't even notice it half of the time, and so getting out of the house for a while used to "do me the world of good".

Then came another compulsion which grabbed me from nowhere which I know is absolutely ridiculous but I just have to do it when I am out and that is...I cannot walk on the cracks between paving slabs, I am ok with cracks which have been made on a broken slab but the cracks in-between the slabs I MUST avoid. Why must I avoid them you may be saying, what do I feel will happen if I didn't avoid them and trod on one? Well the answer is this, if I happen to walk on one of the cracks in-between paving slabs I have to cross the road and continue my journey on that side, but there is a twist to this, if I have had to cross the road for treading on a crack I MUST still avoid the cracks but I MUST now also avoid walking over the drain covers too.

This compulsion is one of the worse which I have ever felt, getting where I was going became a trial rather than the joy it used to be. I needed another coping strategy, and this is it.

How I cope with this particular compulsion now is, I no longer go out. I only go out when I absolutely NEED to and when I do go out it is still very much a trial for me.

I suppose the only way that I could over-come this particular compulsion and still manage to go out and about and enjoy the experience as I used to be able to is if I learnt to drive, it seems the obvious solution doesn't it but learning to drive is expensive so for now I remain an "at home Mum" in every sense of the word.