Odd Jobs Club

Wilbur, a very weird water dragon, had a feeling that he had a rather fine future in the fascinating field of utterly ridiculous inner tube racing.

When all is said and done, Wilbur had to admit that water definitely has a calming effect on a dragon's fearless temperament. In fact, water allows a dragon to re-direct his joie de vivre and je ne sais quoi attitude to life, and makes him more perceptive (by increasing his situational awareness of back-ends of boats and posteriors of piscatorial people).

Frankly, water dragons are better equipped to take a step back to re-evaluate a situation because they have long tails and can swim, understand the art of patience (like watching grass grow) and, unlike other dragons, do not hog the spotlight.

The good news is they make smart decisions and are able to see eye-to-eye with others in the gene pool and thankfully, they don't have to wear cumbersome personal flotation devices, also known as "water wings".

The bad news is that sometimes they can botch up things rather royally if they don't do their research (like expecting to surf in the Sahara) or if they don't finish one project before starting another (like helping Noah to build an ark before inviting all the frigging animals to climb aboard).
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Image Credit: Ron Leishman - clipartof.com/438112

WANTED: A bible-thumper who's capable of slaying a dragon, grabbing a tiger by the tail, not to mention a blue devil by the horns.

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Image Credit: Vladilen@flickr.com

NOTHING BUT THE NAKED TRUTH:

-- Must be in good shape.
-- Must own shovel or snowblower.
-- Must provide money back guarantee.
-- NOTE: Option to wear wings and a halo, if you're an angel in disguise!

Well, a special type of slacker will be needed for this jolly job as a "Hamilton Island Caretaker"; (it's located in the Great Barrier Reef of Australia).

All you have to do is work your little butt off for 12 hours a month, doing what you might ask? Well, let's see, there's collecting the mail, writing a blog to attract the tourists, and feeding hundreds of species of fishies.

And what's in it for you?

How about great weather, crystal blue water and sandy white beaches, your very own hammock, and a modest remuneration of $100,000 a year, to name a few of the fabulous perks in paradise!

So, get a wiggle on you little wunderkins and submit your video online to apply for the job of a lifetime!

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Image Credit: Ronald Seare artist for Taltarni Vineyards on flickr.com

D'ya think I can get me one of 'em jest-a-minute jobs?

By Ovid Publius Hadweenzic, Ph.D., a graduate of the University of Gleed (in the Village of Thribble) with a scholarly degree in Agathokakological Studies (The Ancient Art of Mingling Good and Evil), with time to waste conducting research into odd job titles you hadn't even a clue existed until this moment of mirth and merriment

In spite of the fact that we live in a world filled with high-tech gadgets, gizmos, and gewgaws, there are still a few witless words of wonderment that remain to tickle the odd funnybone or two.

While political correctness may protect sensitive eyes and ears, there is perhaps one exception. It seems that the International Society of Sanitized Spin-Doctors & Politically-Correct Polyglots has not yet tackled the perplexing realm of occupational titles.

Perhaps the Department of Double-Think, not to mention their confreres, (the authors of "Websters' First New Intergalactic Wickedary of the English Language") have not yet figured out what to do with those rather colorful if not highly questionable job postings that appear from time to time in the "help wanted" columns of daily newspapers.

Thanks to impeccable records kept by recruiters, labor market analysts, and occupation classification specialists, we now have a host of artful appellations deserving of an extreme make-over, or at the very least, a moderate face-lift.

The following list of jestful jargon, although by no means complete, focuses on a variety of joshing jobs beginning with the first two letters of the alphabet.

No doubt the daunting task of destroying the dastardly double-entendres in the world of work will be right up the alley for our esteemed politicians, pundits, professionals not to mention other esteemed members of the politically-correct public who are devoted to ensuring our health and happiness (along with Dr. Phil and Big Bird of course).

Here's a glimpse of a few genuine job titles that may bring a few giggles to readers but putting them on a resume, well that's another matter. All appear courtesy of the U.S. Department of Labor (who publish them in a tiny titillating tome entitled ...what else but the one and only, Dictionary of Occupational Titles).

Apron Scratcher
Assembler - Wet-Wash
Automatic Screw-Machine Operator
Balling-Machine Operator, Ball-Racker, Ball-Sorter, Ball-Warper Tender, Ball-Winder
Bladder Changer, Bladder Trimmer
Beam Doffer, Beamer, Beaming Inspector, Beam Press Operator, Beam-Warper
Bean Dumper
Beater (Lead and Head), Beater Engineer, Beating Machine Operator
Beck Tender
Bed Rubber, Bed Worker
Belly Builder, Belly Roller, Belly Wringer
Belt Notcher
Bender, Hand
Blind Hooker
Blow-Off Worker, Blow-Pit Helper, Blower Room Attendant
Bobbin Stripper, Bobbitter
Body Presser
Bonderizer, Bonding Machine Operator
Booking Prizer
Boomboat Operator
Boring Mill Operator (Vertical and Horizontal)
Bosom Presser
Bottomer, Bottom Bleacher, Bottom Brusher, Bottom Buffer, Bottom Filler, Bottom-Maker, Bottom-Nailer, Bottom-Polisher, Bottom-Pounder, Bottom Precipitator Operator, Bottom-Presser, Bottoming Room Inspector/Supervisor, Bottom-Scrubber, Bottom-Stainer
Box Icer, Box-Shook Patcher, Box Strapper, Box Wrapper
Brain-Picker
Breaker-Off, Breaker Tender, Break-Off Worker, Break-Up Machine Operator
Breast Buffer, Breast Finisher, Breast Sawyer, Breast Worker
Brick Unloader Tender
Brim Buster, Brim Greaser, Brim Pouncing Machine Operator
Bucker, Bucket Chucker
Bulldogger, Bull-Gang Supervisor, Bull-Riveter
Bump Grader Operator, Bumper Operator
Buncher, Bunch-Breaker
Bung Driver, Bung Dropper, Bung Grader, Bung Remover, Bunghole Borer
Burring Machine Operator
Butt-Maker, Butt-Presser, Butt-Trimmer
Button-Clamper, Button Riveter, Button-Reclaimer
Buzzle Buffer

And for those of you who can't wait for the next installment of hooey in need of a hygienic hand, here's a taste of the titillating titles in store for you -- a Hob-Grinder, a Precision Lap Hand, and a Nipple Machine Operator.

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For a more comprehensive compendium of cracker-jack jobs, please consult the online version of the Dictionary of Occupational Titles, published by the U.S. Department of Labor.

MALE UNDERWEAR MODEL WANTED:

One ripped and ripsnorting macho male needed for local underwear store campaign in Vancouver, British Columbia (Canada)

Age: 18-30 with GREAT PHYSIQUE.

Project: One day photo shoot, $500.

Contact: gigs-uwbdz-1163877964@craigslist.org

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Image Credit: flosimage@flickr.com

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Aren't you glad you don't have your nose next to the grindstone all day like all those rascal Romans had to do.

Vicki Leon's book, "Working IX to V", provides some terrific tidbits about odd occupations during the good old days.

Let's see there's plenty to choose from: vestal virgin, fishmonger, sophist, hoplite slave, seller of purple, curse-tablet maker, funeral clown, sycophant and orgy planner. Of course if that didn't grab your fancy there was always the off-the-beaten track occupation of beast supplier, better known as praepositus camelorum who was paid to track, capture and provide all the animals used in gladiatorial contests and circuses in Rome.

Look, if want to train as a "togo tog maker", you'll have to sign up for a stint in a Greek fraternity...which does not come with "wine women or song"! Quit complaining, you might have been recruited as a "ghost-buster" and got stuck with the tacky title of "psychopompus".

Listen up lads -- if all the world's a stage, let it be known that I wish to operate the trap door!

If you're recently received your pink slip, and don't seem to fit in anywhere, it's time to play in another sandbox!

Forget all those dull, dweebish jobs in the newspaper or the front page of your virtual job board. No need to follow the herd, unless you're a lemming, a buffalo or a sheep. And, trust me you aren't...because you're reading this bit of bump.

You are destiny's darling! So, listen up, put your crazy thinking cap on (I did not say "dunce cap" ...that belongs to someone else who shall remain nameless.

You need to create your own jest-in-time job. First, you'll need a title...and you'll need to use your imagination, but if you need a boost...here are some helpful hints.

The "Copenhagen Institute of Technology" came up with the following as job titles for the future...maybe with you in mind:

-- Director of Mind & Mood (Are you a Prozac People Person?)
-- Vice President of Cool (If you're willing to wear a red and blue breathable spandex body suit to work with non-matching sneakers -- you're a shoe-in!)
-- Chief Imagination Officer (It's your chance to prove why you're the right person to guide the team to "Never Never Land" and back)
-- Creatologist (Anyone who can come up with a better tasting recipe for mud-pies will be reward with this crazy culinary title)
-- Intangible Asset Appraiser (If you can answer how much does a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood, you've got the job!)
-- Director of Intellectual Capital (Must be able to count to 10 and sing the alphabet song backwards)
-- Visualiser (The one who can navigate the team through corn mazes or at least knows the difference between smoke and mirrors)
-- Storyteller (Someone who can entertain the team while waiting for Godot to show up, or answering that imponderable question "when are we going to get there?")
-- Chief Enacter (The first person to put his/her toe in the water, launch a trial balloons, or pull a cat out of a hat without the help of Dr. Seuss)
-- Court Jester (Everyone knows only fools rush in where wise men never go...and frankly, who else would dare to tell the Emporer he's not wearing any clothes than you?)

Okay, you get the point. So, what'll it be: Chief Morale Officer, Goddess of Great Guffaws & Grand Schemes, Chief Dreamer, Evangelist of Everything's Coming Up Roses, Chief Catalyst of Cubicle Conundrums, Co-ordinator of Synchronicity & Serendipity, Ego Enhancement Consultant, Dream Broker, Misconception & Misspoken Eradicator, Spiritual Fulfillment Counsellor, Chief Fulfiller of Niche Needs or Empressario of Equalities & Entertainment.

Then write your own job description and cover letter. Tweet your twitty title around as much as you want especially all the other tweetie pies out there. The world is waiting for your wit, wisdom and wonk...so don't delay!
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Image Credit: JoeAlterio@flickr.com

• 10 Cool Jobs
• What's That Job?
• How'd You Score That Gig?
• 100 BS Jobs...

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Image Credit: toonpool.com - 677935

Tis the season to be jolly, so why not in the job market!

Here are some hilarious help wanted ads:

-- Someone who can sing a song about an apostrophe to the tune of "Oh Christmas Tree".

-- Cat Nanny. (The p-e-r-r-rfect job for those adore fetching felines.)

-- Seasonal Short Order Cook. (Must be able serve cold beer and make pickled eggs for Santa on Christmas Eve.)

-- Donkey Trainer. (Must not mind getting the last hee-haw from Mary and Joseph.)

-- Ice sculpture carver. (A great opportunity for those who don't like skating on thin ice.)

-- Laser Tag Referee. (If your last name is Skywalker, you know how to handle the Force, and you've got oodles of Galactic Alliance experience, you've got the job!)

-- Parachute tester. (Warning: This is a profession that not everyone will fall for!)

-- Quality Control Taster in a Chocolate Factory. (Sweet work if you can get it...so, head on over there lickety split!)

-- Mistletoe Maker. (These people love their work...but be warned, kissing Santa Claus beneath the green garland is not permitted on the job!)

-- Turkey Wrangler. (A job where things can run a "fowl" pretty quickly, so saddle up pardner!)

-- Wallpaper Peeler. (Note: This job may send you up a wall unless they permit a bit of wassailing at work!)

-- Yawn Counter at a Sleep Clinic. (This is definitely a dream job come true for Winkin, Blinkin or Nod.)
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Image Insert: Courtesy of J.W. Gonzo on flickr.com

It's all about who you know ... and this month, it's time to think about how to use your imagination to dream up a cool job that only a cool guy or gal like can do!

It involves being both enterprising and entertaining. After all, October 31st (Halloween) is the second largest retail shopping occasion of the year. And, if you can help promote all those scary products or spooky services - you've got a job.

How about the following:

-- Dress up a Vampire (what do you mean red and black don't go well with your disposition -- get with the program!). Approach your local hospital blood bank or Red Cross and tell them you'd like to promote their blood-sucking capabilities to all your friends, family, and members of the general public!

-- Batman Bouncer (what beer buddy party or pub wouldn't want your services -- you'd scare away all the ghosts, ghouls, and goblins and the rest are a piece of cake right?)

-- Spooktacular Storyteller (what museum, art gallery, or bookstore couldn't use a boost from someone willing to tell some stories that will literally knock everyone's socks off -- and maybe their pants as well?)

-- Halloween Costume Sales Associate (Mirror, mirror on the wall -- who's wearing the most horrid halloween costume of them all? -- It's your chance to dress up and encourage everyone else to do the same thing!)

-- Door-to-Door Pumpkin Sales & Carving Service (This is a great way for you to dress up as the Great Pumpkin, carve and deliver real pumpkins, yup...and for a small fee you'll come by and collect them for the composting folks too).

-- Wicked Witch Broomstick & Backyard Clean-up Service (What do you mean raking up the leaves and hanging holiday lights isn't your thing? When you do it in a devilishly delightful domestic drudgery costume -- you'll be the hit of the neighborhood).