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The Five of the Week Could use a Vacation
I was walking along the ocean. That's generally where you'll find the beach. Looking for ashtrays in their wild state.-Ronnie GrahamThis summer I'm going to go to the beach and bury metal objects that say "Get a life" on them.-Demetri Martin
I bought a house on the beach. I thought it was a nude beach, but it turned out to be a giggle beach. When I appeared, everybody giggled.-Adam Sandler
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot them?-George Carlin
We use a really strong sunblock when we get to the beach with the kids. It's SPF 80: You squeeze the tube and a sweater comes out.-Lew Schneider
Here's the Kicker
For any aspiring writer, And Here's the Kicker is a great tool to have. Not that Mike Sack's new book-a delightful collection of over 20 interviews with comedy writers and humorists-gives the play by play on how to "put slot A into slot B." The book stands out for allowing its heroes to simply explain their craft. Readers get a real sense of the work that goes into writing comedy, while learning what inspires these jokesmiths. Hint: Bad childhoods help.Check out Dead Frog for an excerpt, then get your mitts on a copy.
Dane Cook Comes Clean
Love him or hate him, there's something about Dane Cook. His goofy, aw, shucks demeanor masks a driven, calculated performer who, for the release of his fifth studio album, ISolated INcident, worked up the guts to abandon his run-around-and-scream schtick for jokes that carry more weight and craft. Says LAist: "It seems like Dane was ready to reinvent himself, or at least prove to those that doubted him that he could be just as funny in the way that they wanted."Playing to small audiences in clubs around LA, he paid keen attention to what bombed and what worked. From there, he honed in on his craft, then hit the decks to lay down revised tracks. The semi-slick result is a cd/DVD set that showcases Cook at his most unexpected: he's intelligent, brazen (yup, he takes on Facebook and those internet haters), and funny without being cloying. He even takes on himself: "I googled myself, and after four and a half hours even I said 'this Dane Cook' is a douchebag." The turns of phrase are quick-witted; the digs at racism hilarious. There's no shortage of naughty words or sexual barbs either, but after all, that's what we've come to expect from young comics. ISolated INcident topped the charts at its debut, and Comedy Central featured the new material in a special last month.
Despite his public highs and lows, the plagiarism slams, and being elbowed by Chappelle, things are looking up for Cook. For more insight on his career and personal struggles, read this great interview at The Comic's Comic.
Link Sausage Tuesday
Chuckle Monkey reports TBS will unleash a ginormous comedy festival in Chicago this summer. From the looks of things, it's going to be awesome. Meanwhile, Fox News darling and apocalypse-preaching TV talk show host Glenn Beck is planning a six-stop comedy tour that will "mix topical comedy with his modern-day take on Common Sense, the Thomas Paine pamphlet that argued for American independence." Speaking of fiscal independence, The Onion thinks Sasha Obama doesn't need it. The West Coast is feeling pretty fancy too. Bridgetown Comedy Festival happens in Portland next week, and the lineup looks very sweet. Kind of like the acting ensemble for that Tina Fey-Steve Carrell flick, Date Night. Or the all-comic cast of Todd Phillips' very popular Vegas rager, The Hangover. Detroit Rock City: The Leno Files
Jay Leno, one-liner ninja/Carson's successor/very funny guy, delivered the second night of his free stand-up show, "Jay's Comedy Stimulus Plan" in Auburn Hills, Michigan this week. The Detroit Pistons donated their space, Kid Rock shred some guitar, and over 30,000 fans showed up to "forget your troubles, and laugh a little bit." Of course the crowd laughed a lot. Jay's set was a riot, and his jibes at politics, celebrities, and the auto industry--among other weighty topics--kept the mostly unemployed crowd in stitches. As one dude said, "What a great night for Michigan and the city of Detroit."Detroit's in need of humor these days. Unemployment hit 12% last month, and the auto industry's in shambles. "These are the hardest-working people in the world, and I think they're getting screwed," Leno said before the show. "And it doesn't seem fair."
My feelings are mixed, but I hope more celebrities follow Jay's lead. Free laughs for the masses? Sign me up.
The Ten of the Week need you to turn it down a notch
"I hate music, especially when it's played."--Jimmy Durante"When you are about thirty-five years old, something terrible happens to music."--Steve Race
"And then our band became a capella, as we left the pawnshop."--Mitch Hedberg
"Concerts are where they ruin all the songs you enjoyed on the radio."--Jason Love
"I used to want to be a country western singer, but I took a test and I have too much self-esteem."--Brett Butler
"You might be a country music fan if you want to write country music but you can't think of any clean words that rhyme with truck."--Brian Koffman
"Talking about music is like dancing about architecture."--Steve Martin
"I got a job at Graceland. I got fired because I put up a sign that said, 'Ripping off black music for over half a century.'"--Dana Snow
"A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass cd. I listened to it for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it."--Emo Philips
"I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else."--Lily Tomlin
What's in a Name?
Add this to NASA's oops file: An online contest to name a room at the international space station went suspiciously awry when "Colbert" beat out NASA's selected options. What, Serenity's not cool enough? Actually that was an option. Anyway, as Newsvine observed, allowing write-ins was NASA's first mistake. Colbert seized the opportunity and asked viewers to send in his name. Of course, they complied--all 230,539 of them--and Serenity got pummeled 40,000 times! The contest received nearly 1.2 million votes, but NASA still gets to decide the name of the room in April. Ah, fate. You gotta hand it to Colbert for being so damned creative. And the Best Web Design Ever Award Goes To...
Not these guys. I mean, okay. I get it. You're unemployed and low on funds. But this is no excuse for line drawings, people! You know it's a sad day when you actually think this site will get hits. Not because it's so snazzy, but because there's a demand for it. I ate breakfast with this dude.
That's right. Years back, in Sunset Boulevard's legendary Mel's dinner, Judah Friedlander sat in the booth ahead of me. It was five AM and I'd been out all night, so the last thing I wanted was chit chat and sharing."Those pancakes look great," Judah mumbled out of nowhere. I glanced around as if to say, "Are you talking to me?" Then dude replied, "Yeah. I'm talking to you."
For the next thirty minutes, we shared a reluctant, but funny friendship. I gave him a pancake, he described the life of an actor (good trade). No subject was off limits, and as he talked, I couldn't stop staring at his vintage tee/trucker hat combo. (To this day, he rocks that look. His weight, however, has changed.)
Whatever my first impressions were (schlub, ew, why are you talking to me), changed after that morning. Judah was silly, polite, and funny as hell.
Today my old buddy is one of the hottest tickets around. With TV cameos galore, a recurring spot on Vh1's Best Week Ever, and of course, the inimitable 30 Rock, I'm excited to hear he's doing standup, too. Judah headlines "The World Champion" in Philly, very, very soon. Actually April 4 soon, so it's time to make tracks. Click to LiveNation to pick up your tickets, and be sure to scope out Judah's weird, but pretty great site.
From the Random File...
Who woulda thunk it? Pete Doherty (aka Mr. I've Sampled More Drugs than an MIT lab rat) has a comedic past. Dude really did stand-up--and he had an act! Its name: Mr. Spaniel and Mr. Spaniel. Something tells me this is when the drug abuse started, but I digress. "The thing is, we would go around all the comedy clubs, get booed off every time, but I still loved it," Pete says. "I'd like to do something like that again. What I'd really love is to go on The Catherine Tate Show but the offers aren't coming in thick and fast right now." Hm. Wonder why? The Ten of the week need more money, honey
"Money is better than poverty if only for financial reasons."The economy is in big trouble, but the Bush administration is now running it. So finally some good news.--David Letterman
I had one stock that dropped to the point where I owed them money.--Wanda Sykes
It's the people who ask for loans that you don't want to lend money to.--Jason Love
I don't like money but it quiets my nerves.--Joe E. Lewis
Money won't buy friends but you get a better class of enemy.--Spike Milligan
"The United States have developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It's called the stock market." -Jay Leno
Strange things happen when you're in debt. Two weeks ago, my car broke down, and my phone got disconnected. I was one electric bill away from being Amish.--Tom Ryan
I had a hard time at the bank today. I tried to take out a loan, and they pulled a real attitude with me. Apparently, they won't accept the voices in my head as references.--Steve Altman
At the ATM they ask if you'd like to conduct your business in English or Spanish. I suggest you try Spanish, because your account balance will look much better in pesos.--Tere Joyce
And now, for our special guest... Mr. President?
This just in: Leno's getting all presidential on us. Or rather, President Obama is getting all late night on us: The Oval One will take the couch before a live audience in NBC's Burbank studio this Thursday, marking the first time Obama's done so since the election last year. Obama will discuss his "economic stimulus plan" among other scary topics, Reuters reports.Don't know about you, but my TiVo is on!
Tuesday Linkage
And now for the news...Metromix Los Angeles unveils La La Land's finest.
The Upper Crust, Beantown's answer to The Darkness, hits Craig Ferguson's stage tonight. It should rock.
Mr. "not ready for primetime" finally is, apparently. Saturday Night Live alum Chevy Chase has been tapped to co-star on the NBC comedy pilot "Community," marking his first potential full-time primetime series gig, reports Hollywood Reporter.
Yowza! Cramer took a seat in Jon Stewart's chair and it was not pretty.
Murderfist makes other comedy groups look like the Osmonds! So they say.
The Ten of the Week git money, stack paper
Nobody goes right to work. Screw the company; those first twenty minutes belong to you.--George CarlinI had the most boring office job in the world. I used to clean the windows on envelopes.--Rita Rudner
You moon the wrong person at the office party and suddenly you're not "professional" anymore.--Jeff Foxworthy
This one job said they wanted a college degree or equivalent. I said, "Perfect, I have eight years of high school."--Buzz Nutley
When I was applying for a job I went from having no discernible skills to lying about having no discernible skills.--Maureen Brownsey
I never drink coffee at work. I keeps me awake.--Judy Brown
I got my first full-time job, but it's weird. I could have sworn I was making more money in college, working for my parents as their daughter.--Melanie Reno
I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated that job because when they fired me, I had to show up at work the next day anyway.--Wally Wang
I work for a good cause: cause I need the money.--Kelly
You might want to consider a career change when you hope for natural disaster as a reason to go home for the day.--Jason Love
Sayonara... Silverman?
Oh nos! The talented, lovely (and oft compared to yours truly) comedienne may say so long to her long-standing show on Comedy Central, thanks to a 20% slash in its budget. The typical single-camera show, says Hollywood Reporter, requires at least $1.5-$2 million to be any decent. So how much will executive producers Silverman, Dan Sterling and Rob Schrab have to play with? A paltry $850,000, which does not cut the mustard! The producers have threatened to take their schtick elsewhere and refuse to do the show with the new budget. Now what?This, of course, is a travesty and makes me wonder how comedy--quality comedy--can survive in these times. Take this article from NY Times, which discusses the resurgence of "laugh-track banality" in TV comedy, known to the average viewer as "Two & A Half Men," "King of Queens," and any Dane Cook special. Forget the "high wire satire" found in cult hits like "30 Rock," Americans are going for the comfortable chuckle. Can I just say, ew? Without creativity, what do we have? You're all a bunch of morons! Bring Sarah back!
Hats off to Moz
Moz, aka Morrissey, is one of my favorite singers. He fronted the Smiths in the 80s, and sang pretty ballads about obsessives in the 90s. Today, he still rocks and sings about depressives. And links up with comics like quirky Brit sensation The Ten of the Week want a slice of that
Fruit only angers my need for chocolate.--Jason LoveTofu! Why do people eat tofu? I throw out my old sponges.--Karen Williams
Red meat is not bad for you. Now blue-green meat, that's bad for you.--Tommy Smothers
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.--Steven Wright
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.--Woody Allen
I opened a box of animal crackers, but there was nothing inside. They'd eaten each other.--Lily Tomlin
Screw whole-grain cereal. When I want fiber, I eat some wicker furniture.--George Carlin
Nobody says, "Can I have your beets?"--Bill Cosby
You want my recipe for trail mix? Plain M&Ms, Kraft Caramels, Peanut M&Ms. It gets me over the mountain.--Roseanne Barr
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains more than three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.--Rita Rudner
State of the Union
Time to break out the flannel kids, the nineties are back! And according to Rolling Stone, my most favorite sketch comedy group ever,The State, is too. A greater part of my teen years was spent planted in front of the tube, watching in awe as these NYU cutups ground their booties in Jello, OD'd on caffeine, and parodied out-of-touch, evil teachers. On January 24, for the first time in 14 years, the 11 piece act showcased over an hour's worth of new material at San Francisco's three-week-long Sketchfest. And, says RS, the two shows sold out in minutes. To that I say, "duh." But does this mean fans can expect more from the group in '09? For example, will Comedy Central do as we wish and throw down for a special or (fingers crossed) a movie? And more importantly, will Michael Ian Black ask me out already?Picture credit: Rolling Stone
The Ten of the Week want you to get out the vote
If you haven't already--vote!
So how do I pick a president? Much the same way I choose a driver to the airport. Which one will cost me the least, and not get me killed.--Dennis MillerThe vice presidency is sort of like the last cookie on the plate. Everybody insists he won't take it, but somebody always does.--Bill Vaughan
We need a president who's fluent in at least one language.--Buck Henry
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.--Robin Williams
"Barack Obama said today that he is going to fight for votes in all 50 states. Yeah. That's what he said. Meanwhile, John McCain said he's going to fight for votes in all 13 colonies." --Conan O'Brien
"Barack Obama has a half-hour infomercial TV special. I mean, thank God. It's about time this guy got some media coverage, don't you think?" -David Letterman
"With just 19 days left until the election, Barack Obama warned supporters today to guard against overconfidence. Then he boarded Air Force One, blasted 'We Are The Champions' and shouted 'I'm King of the World.'" --Amy Poehler
ah Palin made three campaign stops today: Saks, Nieman Marcus and Bloomingdales." --Jay Leno
In the United States, anybody can be president. That's the problem.--George Carlin
I belong to no organized party--I'm a democrat.--Will Rogers
And since I'm feeling generous today, here's an extra ba-dum-bump:
How long does a US Congressman serve?
Until he gets caught.
Photo source: Time Out New York
Comedy Round the World
Humor makes us human. It also connects the world and helps us understand each other. But enough with that fluff, the real reason I'm posting is this---what do you think is funny? What's happening in Jordan? Share your thoughts about international comedy, trends, jokes, and whatever right here. You may just land in Reader's Digest for your brilliant idea! (That's pronounced "idear" here in New York.)
submit
Hiphopopotamus? No! Rhymenoceros.
Before season deux starts (mark it: Jan. 15 on HBO), Flight of the Conchords want fans to film themselves lip-synching to "Hiphopopotamus vs. Rhymenoceros." Why? Because it's awesome. And second, because the best clips will air as a video on HBO!
Here, #1 fan Mel (Kristen Schaal) explains what to do. Just download, upload, then sing and stuff. Practice makes perfect, so get to steppin!
http://www.youtube.com/flightlipdub
Here, #1 fan Mel (Kristen Schaal) explains what to do. Just download, upload, then sing and stuff. Practice makes perfect, so get to steppin!
http://www.youtube.com/flightlipdub
STELLA! News.
Stella shoots its first tour DVD, live, in Boston next week. Wait, Boston? It's true: "We thought Boston is a great place," explains David Wain to Boston Comedy. "We didn't want to do it in New York where we all live. It just seemed less exciting." The show, which happens at Wilbur Theatre, will be done in only one take. Pressure!
Click the pic for Wain's interview, news on the DVD, and a possible State reunion. Yippee!
Click the pic for Wain's interview, news on the DVD, and a possible State reunion. Yippee!
Jimmy Fallon: Not Funny
But alas and alack, the smug SNL alum (or poseur-hipster, take your pick) starts his late-night hosting gig tonight, on the web. Will it air on Hulu? Yahoo? Or Friendster? E! Online's not sure, but the hope is that five-six months of practice online will make perfect for Fallon, who's new to the game. Says NBC producer/SNL genius Lorne Michaels: "Conan needed time to find his show...I think this will help Jimmy to do that." Word to Lorne: Your boy's a hack.I think this show's going to stink. Even neo-soul grooveheads The Roots--poised to be the house band--can't save it. NBC announces the premiere date for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon today. Variety thinks it'll be March 2. Just clear your night for June 2, when Conan takes over "Late Show" and Leno departs.
Funny People are in "Funny People"
This one's obvious, but this being obvious day and all, I'll blog anyway. A lot of funny, famous faces grace the screen in Apatow's "Funny People." Who? Well, Norm MacDonald, Sarah Silverman, and the beleaguered Andy Dick, that's who.Visit slashfilm.com for juice. And happy Monday!
Image source: Slash Film
Crazy for Conan
Look what I found
Peace in da Middle East
Amman Stand-Up Comedy Festival
Funny things do happen in the Middle East. Just not in the morning paper. Tomorrow the first ever Amman Stand-Up Comedy Festival starts at Al Hussein Cultural Center, which I think is like in Jordan or something, and runs until Dec. 5. Russell Peters, hero to funny Indians everywhere, will headline along with 15 Canadians, Americans, Lebaninians, and other freaks from exotic countries. These aren't the talentless hacks from Nepal, people. We're talking Ahmed Ahmed, Aron Kader, Maysoon Zayid and Dean Obeidallah, Amman's executive producer. To learn more, visit the New York Arab American Comedy Festival's site, or read Stagetime Magazine's blurb.Picture: Russell will vogue at Amman.
The Ten of the Week keep it all in the family
I had older brothers. Growing up the the only girl in the family is like growing up to be a tropical fruit drink, somewhere between spoiled rotten and beaten to a pulp.--Diane FordWe never talked, my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.--Judy Gold
I have an 18-year-old; her name is Alexis. I chose that name because if I hadn't had her, I'd be driving one.--Robin Fairbanks
There's no such thing as fun for the whole family; there are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.--Jerry Seinfeld
My dad's pants kept creeping up on him. By 65 he was just a pair of pants and a head.--Jeff Altman
I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.--Steven Pearl
If you ever want to torture my dad, tie him up and right in front of him, refold a map incorrectly.--Cathy Ladman
When you're young you think your dad is Superman. Then you grow up, and you realize he's just a regular guy who wears a cape.--Dave Attell
I asked my mother if I was adopted. She said, "Not yet, but we placed an ad."--Dana Snow
My mother has gossip dyslexia. She has to talk in front of people's backs.--Richard Lewis
Crash Mansion sets up shop
Why oh why does New York get everything first? Maybe I shouldn't complain, it's kind of obvious. And I do live here, after all. But still! There's no way someone in Indiana or North Dakota is going to schlep all the way to New York every time they want to see terrific stand-up. Unless... they're trekking to Comedy Central's new performance space, Crash Mansion. Situated at BLVD/Crash Mansion nightclub (199 Bowery), Variety reports Crash "will feature stand-up and sketch acts, screenings and variety show performances, as well as TV concepts under development." Great, right? Shows will be hosted bi-weekly and talent both new and old will perform. Methinks the next "Mind of Mencia" could be born there. But hopefully they'll get more creative.Picture: Inside Crash Mansion
Plot Spoiler: Apatow's Funny People Revealed
The dramedy hits theatres July 2009. But that's too long to wait for the plot. Do your inner gossip a favor and click on the pic for juice.
Calling all readers!
Send Andy your funniest state jokes!
We're putting together a hilarious feature about the good 'ol USA. Be a Squidoer (not a Squidon't!) and post your best one-liners about Rhode Island, Mississippi, Virginia, and Pennsylvania here.
UCB News
http://newyork.ucbtheatre.com/
Fetching RSS feed... please stand bySTELLA!
Jay-Z once intoned, "What more can I say?" And in my mind, if you miss Stella's winter 08 tour, there WILL be nothing to say. Nothing! If you want to laugh your face off at the funniest comedy troupe to grace the stage (and screen) since The State in the 90s, then trust me, buying tickets to one of Stella's upcoming shows will be SO worth it.
Dead Funny
UCB resurrects Killgore
Halloween is nigh and Killgore is back! What's Killgore, you ask? Only a brilliant mash-up of comedy and horror presented by Upright Citizen's Brigade. In the show, a mythical beast (Killgore) pops on the scene to slaughter anyone "rife with selfishness, greed, hatred," and the other deadly sins that make people suck. It's hilarious, "blood-soaked," and for those who enter and win The Apiary's giveaway by midnight 10/26, free!Here's how to enter:
1) Put "Tickets to Killgore: The Resurrection at The UCB Theatre" in the subject line of an email addressed to theapiary@gmail.com. Please write in the body of the entry which day and time you'd like to attend the show.
2) Send that email before SUNDAY @ MIDNIGHT (10/26)
3) If you win, tell your friends via your blog or a Facebook bulletin that The Apiary made you a winner.
Two entrants will be selected at random to receive a pair of tickets. You'll be notified on Monday (10/27) if you are one of them. You must live in the NYC area to enter.
If your email is down, or you just enjoy parting with hard-earned cash, plunk down $15 for tickets at any one of the performances running October 29th and 30th at 8:00PM & 10:00PM, and October 31st at 8:00PM, 10:00 PM & midnight.
The Ten of the Week need a cup of ambition
Coffee has carcinogens, causes cancer. And it also has caffeine. So not only are you dying, you're watching yourself go.--Jackie MasonI'm on decaf now. What I miss most is the road rage.--David Letterman
They just opened a new Starbucks, in my living room.--Janeane Garofalo
I can't handle most stimulants. You ever call the IHOP at about four in the morning and yell into the phone, "I said decaf!"--Tom Ryan
There is now a Starbucks in my pants.--George Carlin
If your wife or husband makes bad coffee, that's grounds for divorce.--Anonymous
You can tell a lot about someone's personality by how he orders coffee. "Decaf please, skim milk, no sugar." That's the kind of guy who goes through the car wash wearing a seat belt.--Margot Black
You know what's great about coffee? It's the only meal for which the name of the food is also the official name of the event: coffee.--Paul Reiser
I like my men like I like my coffee--ground up and in the freezer.--Anonymous
I met someone in the elevator who was drinking coffee and complaining about how coffee made him nervous. I said why don't you quit drinking coffee. He said, "because if I didn't have the shakes I wouldn't get any exercise at all."--Anonymous
If you miss these shows, you might as well die
To quote Wanda Sykes: "Yeah, I said it." And you better believe you will die if you miss any one of these shows. First, Upright Citizen's Brigade presents five comedy shows in conjunction with this week's CMJ festival in New York. In case you live under rocks, CMJ is the northeast ripoff of Austin's SXSW. It's still cool though. Catch The Apple Sisters spoof forties-era variety shows, or watch Eugene Mirman spit truth with indie comic Leo Allen. I'm personally looking forward to UCB's Tour Co skit.The next place to be is the 92nd Street Y in Tribeca. The newly opened center is hosting "18 Nights of Inspiration", a three month series that features the livest acts in stand-up. This means cheap access to The Whitest Kids U'Know, Zach Galifianikis, Mr. Mirman, and Greg Giraldo. Tickets are only $12--for serious--so there's no excuse to sit at home! Even if you have central heating.
Picture: The Apple Sisters
Catskills Classic
My wife's an earth sign. I'm a water sign. Together we make mud.--Henny Youngman
The Ten of the Week are Lonesome Tonight
The thing I hate about living alone is living alone. I have way too many frivolous conversations with the 411 operator.--Sue BovaI'm single by choice--not my choice.--Orny Adams
I love New Age jargon. You don't have to admit to being single, you can just say, "I'm trying to be there for myself on a daily basis."--Vanessa Hollingshead
Single guys think three things: "I'd like to go out with her," "I'd like to buy one of those," and "I hope those guys win."--Jerry Seinfeld
I figure the only time I need a man is about once a month when I need to flip my mattress.--Pamela Yager
When I was a girl I only had two friends and they were imaginary.--Rita Rudner
When I was a kid I got no respect. I remember the seesaw. I had to keep running from one end to the other.--Rodney Dangerfield
When I was a kid we had a quicksand box. I was an only child, eventually.--Steven Wright
I'd just like to meet a girl with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.--Steve Martin
I have bad luck with women. A woman I was dating told me on the phone, "I have to go, there's a telemarketer on the other line."--Zach Galifiankis
Picture: Lonesome George, the world famous tortoise
Bogey Fever
Here's another reason Cleveland Rocks: Bogey's, a new club in Willoughby Hills, opens this week with a solid lineup of "the funniest guys you've never heard of," says comedian/owner Kirk Bogos. Expect underdogs like Mike Merryfield or Don Friesen, the guys who "don't have an HBO special," but are hilarious on stage. Other perks: "the parking's free and you don't have to go downtown," Bogos says. "On a Thursday night, somebody can come to my club at 8 o'clock, have a great time, and be home by 10:30." So take that, ya irresponsible club rats!
Catch a show Thursdays at 8 p.m. ($8), Fridays ($12) and Saturdays ($15) at 8 and 10:30 p.m. Call 440-944-9000 for more info.
Source: Cleveland.com
Catch a show Thursdays at 8 p.m. ($8), Fridays ($12) and Saturdays ($15) at 8 and 10:30 p.m. Call 440-944-9000 for more info.
Source: Cleveland.com
New York, New York
New York Magazine Turns 40
The magazine named for the city that never sleeps turns 40 this week. And like anyone hitting the big 4-0, they're throwing a swanky party to celebrate-- at Hammerstein Ballroom in NYC. Tonight! Featuring Stella, the triumvirate of comic genius that includes Michael Showalter, David Wain, and Michael Ian Black, (aka the triumvirate of genius behind my favorite show "The State") this anniversary will be a throw down of epic proportions. Comically speaking, that is.The National and Grizzly Bear will be on hand for those about to indie rock, but my bets are on Black to make the pudding complete. I mean night. PUDDING!
Visit nymag.com for more information and ticket reservations.
Go to Stellacomedy.com to see what I'm gushing about.
Watch "The State" on repeat to become a genius.
Happy Birthday, Punchline!
Can you believe it? Punchline Magazine, purveyors of fine stand-up and the almighty Tight 5 interview, turned three yesterday. To celebrate, they had a throw down at--where else--the almighty, fine Comix club in New York. Greg Giraldo, Robert Kelly, Judy Gold, Laurie Kilmartin, and Tom Papa performed; The Onion and DailyComedy.com sponsored.
Source: Chuckle Monkey
Source: Chuckle Monkey
449 Stupid Things Republicans Have Said
Election day is approaching fast. These quips and jibes, many of which are mindless, remind us why we should always pay attention and remember to rock the vote!
449 Stupid Things Republicans Have Said
Amazon Price: $8.99 (as of 12/19/2009)
"The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault."--Henry Kissinger
"It's true hard work never killed anybody, but I figured why take a chance?"--Ronald Reagan
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt."--Herbert Hoover
"A billion here, a billion there: sooner or later it adds up to real money."-Everett Dirksen (Illinois senator 1951-1970)
"Obviously crime pays, or there'd be no crime."--G. Gordon Liddy (radio talk show host, Watergate conspirator)
"I can promise you that when I go to Sacramento, I will pump up Sacramento."--Arnold Schwarzenegger
449 Stupid Things Democrats Have Said
449 Stupid Things Democrats Have Said
Amazon Price: $8.95 (as of 12/19/2009)
"Every man has a right to a Saturday night bath."--Lyndon B. Johnson
"One-fifth of the people are against everything all the time."--Robert Kennedy
"Remember, America: I gave you the internet and I can take it away."--Al Gore joking on Letterman
"It is possible to get to heaven in a Cadillac, but it is hard."--Mario Cuomo
"I will not have disparaging remarks about him except I hate him."--William Donald Schaefer (governor of Maryland, 1987-1995)
"Anyone can be elected governor. I'm proof of that."--Joe Frank Harris (governor of California, 1983-1991)
Extra! Extra!
Hey kids! Do you like Judd Apatow? Yeah? Then shimmy over to Central Casting's website to sign up as an extra for his upcoming movie, "Funny People." Starring Adam Sandler and Apatow regulars like Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill, the film explores what it's like to work in the world of stand-up, where Apatow got his start.Read the casting ad, then fill me in on the Rogen gossip.
Source: Chuckle Monkey
Women's Wicked Wit
Women's Wicked Wit: From Jane Austen to Rosanne Barr
Amazon Price: $10.16 (as of 12/19/2009)
Here's a book of zingers with a feminist twist.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.--Fran Leibowitz
I love bald men. Just because you've lost your fuzz, don't mean you ain't a peach.--Dolly Parton
Golf is men in ugly pants walking.--Rosie O'Donnell
If love is the answer, can you rephrase the question?--Lily Tomlin
I never hated a man enough to give him his diamonds back.--Zsa Zsa Gabor
I've got my figure back after giving birth. Sad, I'd hoped to get somebody else's.--Caroline Quentin
Men are luxuries, not necessities.--Cher
Live! Tonight! Sold Out!
Emmy award-winner and "Daily Show" writer Rory Albanese hits Comix tonight with a ragtag crew of pals that includes John Oliver, Rich Blomquist, and JR Havlan. They'll trade high-minded satire and swipes at the system, much like they do on the regular.Source: Comix NY
Eugene Mirman is cool
The king of alt-comedy is hosting his festival this week.To celebrate, watch these videos at Super Deluxe.
Then read his awesomely absurd one-liners:
Sometimes when I see a baby cry I'm like, maybe all that baby wants is... to dance.
I've gone on missions that are more secretive then someone having a crush on their best friend for 10 years and not telling them.
If you Google "Eugene," I'm #5, but the first human.
Sources: The Apiary, Comedy Central Insider
Um, no.
The jokes just write themselves. Dane Cook, a personal favorite of mine, petitioned his landlord not to evict him from his apartment (for not picking up doggie dookie) because, well, the spirits of Steve Martin and Belushi reside there. And they helped him launch his career.
I know what you're thinking--Dane Cook has a career? But yeah, TMZ gave the 411 yesterday, and Cook penned a 29-page appeal. Read it here.
I know what you're thinking--Dane Cook has a career? But yeah, TMZ gave the 411 yesterday, and Cook penned a 29-page appeal. Read it here.
Passing the Riffifi torch
Which club will get it?
It's official: Riffifi's, alt-comedy mecca (and home to the creepiest hipster pageants ever), is dead. Now where, praytell, will the comic nerds converge? My bet is on Brooklyn's Union Hall. With Todd Barry on deck, it's a no-brainer.
The Apiary has some ideas as well.
What's yours?
Reader predictions:
Fetching predictions now... please stand by1 of 1 pages
Fetching predictions now... please stand byGuess who's bizack
Seattle's Comedy Underground is all set to resurrect itself in a new location. After a four month hiatus, the "official" Grand Re-Opening happens Thursday Oct. 2. Mo Mandell (of Comedy Central's "Reality Bites Back" fame) headlines and the admission is said to be super cheap. As in $5 cheap. Hooray!
Hit comedyunderground.com for more info and ticketweb.com for the obvious.
Source: seattlecomedyblog.com
Hit comedyunderground.com for more info and ticketweb.com for the obvious.
Source: seattlecomedyblog.com
Pencil This In
I know airfare is sky high (get it? sky high?) but the fifth annual NY Comedy Festival is not to be missed. This year's boasts a record 26 shows, in venues all over NYC, from Nov. 5-9. The lineup includes biggies like Sarah Silverman, Craig Ferguson, Paul Mooney and Tracy (frickin') Morgan.
And of course there will also be panel discussions and performances by Late Night and Daily Show writers.
Aspiring comics should jump at the chance to enter the "Funniest Stand-Up" Contest. Yes, there's really a contest, and auditions take place at Caroline's on Broadway Oct. 21-22. But before you polish that monologue, go to nycomedyfestival for details on tickets, how to enter the contest, and shows.
And of course there will also be panel discussions and performances by Late Night and Daily Show writers.
Aspiring comics should jump at the chance to enter the "Funniest Stand-Up" Contest. Yes, there's really a contest, and auditions take place at Caroline's on Broadway Oct. 21-22. But before you polish that monologue, go to nycomedyfestival for details on tickets, how to enter the contest, and shows.
Emmy Recap
Sooo, anyone catch the Emmy show last night? It was the 60th anniversary, which is kind of a big deal. Not big enough to tear me away from "Mad Men," but I digress.The winners are listed below, which includes none other than Colbert's writing team. Way to go guys! You've made me proud.
Supporting Actor, Comedy: Jeremy Piven, Entourage
Supporting Actress, Comedy: Jean Smart, Samantha Who?
Writing for a Variety, Comedy or Music Program: The Colbert Report
Variety, Comedy or Music Program: The Daily Show with Jon Stewart
Directing for a Comedy Series: Barry Sonnenfeld, Pushing Daises ("Pie-lette")
Writing for a Comedy Series: Tina Fey, 30 Rock ("Cooter")
Individual performance in Variety/Music: Don Rickles
Actor, Comedy: Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Actress, Comedy: Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Comedy: 30 Rock
Source: The Comic's Comic
Picture source: NY Times
Amy Incorporated
Somebody toss Amy Poehler a cookie. The quirky comedienne is having a banner year, what with her roasting of Sarah Palin on SNL last week and having landed a starring role in an upcoming "Office" spinoff. Now Wired.com reports Poehler's linked up with a former Nickelodeon producer to create a web series for young girls. Says Wired: "Smart Girls at the Party" is "designed to improve their self-esteem" and "will feature interviews and skits with girls who have unique talents and interests, and promises to range from the serious to the hilarious."Funny girls unite! The show launches in October on On Networks and will be available via all the usual suspects: web, mobile, iTunes.
The Ten of the Week feel the love
I don't have a girlfriend. I just have a girl who'd get very mad if she heard me say that.--Mitch HedbergI want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?--Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm single by choice-not my choice.--Orny Adams
If you can't say something bad about a relationship, you shouldn't say anything at all.--George Costanza
Why do you have to break up with her? Be a man. Just stop calling.--Joey Tribbiani (Matt LeBlanc) "Friends"
I broke up with my girlfriend. She moved in with another guy and I draw the line at that.--Garry Shandling
A poll showed that two out of five men would rather have love than money or health. Yeah, that's what a woman wants--a broke, sick guy!--Jay Leno
I'm very loyal in relationships. Even when I go out with my mom I don't look at other moms.--Garry Shandling
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.--Woody Allen
I saw a bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought, 'he's trying to pull a fast one.'--Tim Vine
Housework Schmousework
Staying in this weekend to clean up the house? Well guess what--you're not alone.Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance?--Phyllis Diller
Men-because of a tragic genetic flaw-cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support agriculture.
I'm not going to vacuum till Sears makes one you can sit on.--Roseanne Barr
I hate housework-You make the beds, you do the dishes-and six months later you have to start all over again.--Joan Rivers
Some people's idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
A Colbert Christmas
This just in: The best TV host ever is hosting the best Christmas special ever, according to USA Today. "A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All!" will air on Comedy Central Nov. 23. The one-hour special features a duet with Jon Stewart ("Hannukah" what else), and appearances by John Legend and the almighty Willie Nelson. Wait--Willie Nelson?! This is already better than that Mariah Carey special.
Letterman Lines
Carson taught his protege (and Rolling Stone's current cover boy) well. He's always on-point and hilarious.New York City cab drivers are offering their Barack Obama special: they'll gladly accept change.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.
A sure sign fall is around the corner here in New York: In Central Park, I saw a nut gathering squirrels.
State of the Union
Time to break out the flannel kids, the nineties are back! And according to a>, my most favorite sketch comedy group ever, The State, is too. A greater part of my adolescence was spent planted in front of the tube, watching in awe as these NYU cutups ground their booties in Jello, OD'd on caffeine, and parodied out-of-touch and devilish teachers. On January 24, for the first time in 14 years, the 11 piece act showcased over an hour's worth of new material at San Francisco's three-week-long Sketchfest. And, says RS the two shows sold out in minutes. To that I say, "duh." But does this mean fans can expect more from the group in '09? Will Comedy Central do as we wish and throw down for a special or (fingers crossed) a movie? And more importantly, will Michael Ian Black ask me out already?Picture credit: Rolling Stone
Got a case of the Mondays
Welcome to the workweek."Work is a necessary evil to be avoided."--Mark Twain
"Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?"--Anonymous
"If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock."--Claude McDonald
"I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."--Charles Lamb
Olympians on SNL: Do or Don't?
You can guess my answer.
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Phelps does SNL
Poor chap, he's a fish out of water in this. (Yeah, I know, I'm genius.)
Comedy Club Underdogs: NYC
Give your wallet a break and head to to these clubs for unique, up-and-coming talent.
- The Underground Lounge
- A great neighborhood dive. Their small stage hosts some of the best unknown acts in town.
- Magnet Theatre
- The Magnet has three things going for it: Cheap cover, no drink minimums, and great improv. They also offer classes.
- Eastville Comedy Club
- Drinks are cheap and the stand-up slays. Contestants from "Last Comic Standing" often drop by.
- Rififi's
- The beleaguered hipster haunt does alt comedy on Fridays. Eugene Mirman's a regular.
It's baaaack! What did you think?
Top o' the mornin!
- Jen is Famous
- Jennifer Dziura is an NYC comic and Mensa card-carrying celebrity.
- Chuckle Monkey
- Learn what's new in the comedy world.
- Austin Comedy Clubs
- The live music mecca is also great for comedy.
- NY Times Laughlines
- Get your news and your laugh on.
Pallin Around
The tough-as-nails veep is taking the press world by storm. Late night hosts are having a field day. So I'm wondering, what's your favorite Pallin joke? There are really so many, I can hardly keep track.Anyway, here are my faves from this week. I've shown you mine. Now send me yours!
"Alaska Governor Sarah Palin is out on the campaign trail. Today, she attended a rally in Wisconsin. The Alaska Governor said she was thrilled to visit Wisconsin. Because she's never been to the Deep South." -Conan O'Brien
"Sarah Palin refuses to come on the 'Late Show.' Yeah. Or, as she calls it, 'the bridge to nowhere.'"--David Letterman
"Fashion Week here in New York City. And a sure sign that it's Fashion Week, all of the guys in the Village are dressed as Sarah Palin." -David Letterman
Not up to snuff on the Alaskan "hockey mom?" This uber-extensive site should help: squidoo.com/sarah-pallin
Is Apatow all that?
My friends think so. Me? I'm on the fence.
Apatowian humor, as Entertainment Weekly calls it, rules the comedy world with its snarky blend of low and high-brow humor. I loved "Knocked Up," but "Superbad" struck me as super lame.
So what's your take on the slacker scribe? Is Apatow the new king of the movie one-liner? Or is he just another flash in the pan a la...(scrolls through mental Rolodex of absurd, lame comedians)...Dane Cook?
Apatow: Comedic genius?
Fetching blurbs now... please stand byHe rules.
My calculus teacher was funnier.
Quotations from Chairman Homer
Mitch Tendencies
Mitch Hedberg was the Kurt Cobain of one-liners. He was smart, self-effacing, and, well, tragic.
His comedy album, "Do You Believe in Gosh?" is released posthumously this month. The others, listed below, are also worth checking out.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
More Mitch:
squidoo.com/mitch_hedberg
A recent NY Times article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/04/arts/music/04hedb.html
His comedy album, "Do You Believe in Gosh?" is released posthumously this month. The others, listed below, are also worth checking out.
I tried to walk into Target, but I missed.
I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it.
You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.
More Mitch:
squidoo.com/mitch_hedberg
A recent NY Times article:
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/04/arts/music/04hedb.html
Do You Believe in Gosh?
Amazon Price: $10.99 (as of 12/19/2009)
Mitch All Together
Amazon Price: $13.99 (as of 12/19/2009)
Strategic Grill Locations
Amazon Price: $9.99 (as of 12/19/2009)
The Best of Comedy Central Presents: Uncensored
Amazon Price: $12.49 (as of 12/19/2009)
funny books on funny people
WOMEN'S WICKED WIT: From Jane Austen to Roseanne Barr
Amazon Price: (as of 12/19/2009)
Woody Allen on Woody Allen
Amazon Price: $10.85 (as of 12/19/2009)
700 Sundays
Amazon Price: $10.55 (as of 12/19/2009)
Born Standing Up: A Comic's Life
Amazon Price: $18.00 (as of 12/19/2009)
Yeah, I Said It
Amazon Price: $11.20 (as of 12/19/2009)
Even Stevens
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Colbert's Humorocracy
I heart Stephen Colbert. Too bad his election plans didn't pan out. Read a great interview Reader's Digest did with him by clicking the link below.
"Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president."
"Al Gore has a hit movie called 'An Inconvenient Truth.' I have an inconvenient truth for him: you're still not the president."
- The Digest interviews Stephen Colbert
- The satirical talk show host comes clean about comedy.
Funny links
Linkage to get your laugh on.
- Reader's Digest jokes
- Hilarious, all-true stories submitted by actual readers. Submit your own story for a chance to win $100 (that is, if it's published).
- Daily Joke
- The name says it all.
- Bald Comedians
- Wait--bald people are funny? I just thought they looked funny.
- Best Week Ever
- Best. Week. Evar! Sike.
- Schadenfreude
- I can't pronounce it either.
- Daily Joke Lensography
- This lensmaster cracks me up.
- Shoebox Blog
- Ah, the frustration of writing greeting cards for a living.
Think you know your Carlin?
He loved cuss words and hated imitators.See if you can spot the fake in this list:
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
By the time you reach 70, you're thrilled that you made it to lunch.
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Woody's still got it
The prolific comic (with "Vicki Christina Barcelona" star ScarJo) still slays.Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
I'm not a fighter, I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
The Ten of the Week
"I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met." -- Steven Wright"I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know." -- Rodney Dangerfield
"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside a dog, It's too dark to read." -- Groucho Marx
"My best friend ran away with my wife. And let me tell you, I really miss him." Henny Youngman
"The two most beautiful words in the English language are cheque enclosed." Dorothy Parker
"I will clean my house when Sears makes a vacuum cleaner you can ride on." -- Roseanne Barr
"I tried to walk into Target, but I missed." -- Mitch Hedberg
"I'm not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens." -- Woody Allen
"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me." -- Steve Martin
"I called a discount exterminator. A guy came by with a rolled-up magazine." -- Will Shriner
Don't be a chump, help a chimp
Sure it's only October, but ain't nothing wrong with getting into the Christmas spirit a little early. Besides, we should always strive to be charitable people, especially when it comes to chimpanzees. Chimps are cool.
Speaking of hominidaes, check out "Jungle Rescue" in November's Reader's Digest. The article describes orangutans struggle for survival and what a very charitable man, Willie Smits, has done to help.
Speaking of hominidaes, check out "Jungle Rescue" in November's Reader's Digest. The article describes orangutans struggle for survival and what a very charitable man, Willie Smits, has done to help.
Chimp Haven serves as The National Chimpanzee Sanctuary. We are an independent, nonprofit organization whose mission is to provide lifetime care for chimpanzees who have been retired from medical research, the entertainment industry or no longer wanted as
Drop a line!
Got some funny one-liners you're dying to share? Post 'em here.
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- a_willow a_willow Jan 5, 2009 @ 2:52 am
- You are one of October graduates! Come by and answer few questions to show the way to those who will follow! Wish you many, many more great lenses!
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- OhMe OhMe Nov 22, 2008 @ 6:34 pm
- Very entertaining. Great lens.
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- ElizabethJeanAllen ElizabethJeanAllen Nov 12, 2008 @ 4:52 pm
- I always think of a good one-liner come back after the opportunty to say it has past.
Great lens!
Lizzy
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- mdvaldosta mdvaldosta Nov 4, 2008 @ 12:51 pm
- Good stuff, made my day. I have a few joke lenses too! Feel free to join. 5 stars from me!
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- a_willow a_willow Nov 2, 2008 @ 8:14 am
- This lens entered Fresh Squid Contest for November as one of the lenses that has been featured on Fresh Squid group during October!
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by rdandy
I'm a features editor at a national magazine, where I edit and write everything from slice-of-life columns to ten page spreads. I've interviewed the i... (more)
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