Overcoming Jealousy - A solution

Jealousy is a feeling that most of us have experienced. For the majority
of us, these feelings pass quickly and without any real harm. However,
when jealousy gets out of hand it can destroy relationships.

There may have been a time as a child when you felt jealous because you
believed your best friend wanted to spend more time with someone else.
Perhaps in later life you experienced a pang of jealousy when your friend
seemed to want to spend more time with her boyfriend than with you.
You may even have felt a little jealous and left out when she had
children and had less time for you. It is a common phenomenon for men
to feel jealous of their own children sometimes if they feel they are
coming second best in their partner's emotions.

Some people believe that a little jealousy is a good thing as it shows that
someone cares. Albert Ellis, one of the leading lights in cognitive
psychology, has identified what he calls healthy and unhealthy negative
emotions of which jealousy is deemed unhealthy but concern for your
relationship healthy.

A healthy concern means you feel some emotion but do not allow it to
destroy or damage either yourself of your relationship. You recognise
that no one owns anyone else and fall back on your personal self-esteem
to recognize that you are special. You may mention your concern to your
partner but it does not take much to get you over the feeling. However,
unhealthy jealousy destroys relationships and causes distress and damage
to the person experiencing it as well as those at whom it is aimed.
In some instances, a jealous interchange may lead to physical violence
and the breakdown of a relationship. After all, how long can someone
put up with suspicion and accusations without either leaving or finding
someone else who will not behave in the same way. The jealous lover
may literally drive her partner into someone else's arms and then turn
round and say that she knew the person could not be trusted all along. In
many ways the person creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Now, if your partner plays mischievous games with your emotions or
actually betrays you, you need to consider seriously whether you want to
stay in what is essentially an unhealthy relationship. However, most
types of jealousy have nothing to do with the way that others behave.

Jealousy, like envy, can refer to a desire for someone else's status or
possessions. Yes - we can be jealous of what people have as much as
with the people in our life. In relationships it causes someone to be
doubtful of their partner by feeling threatened by their relationship with
others. Jealousy detracts from your time together as you are likely to
have fights because you spend time thinking up situations where you feel
you are being cheated on. Before you know it, much of your relationship
is spent dwelling on what might be going on rather than what is really
taking place. Many partners of jealous people feel constantly on edge as
they believe that any harmless insignificant action is likely to be
misinterpreted and the sense of tension that accompanies these feelings
becomes extremely tiring.

If you want overcome such feelings follow the six steps that follow:

1. Own your feelings
Accept that your jealousy has nothing to do with your partner but
everything to do with how you feel about yourself. If you like yourself
you will realise that your partner stays with you because he loves you
and wants to be with you. When you like yourself you do not mind your

partner having other friends because you realise you are a special person.
Ask yourself why you think your partner should leave you? Why do you
believe other people are more desirable than you? Do these feelings
stem from childhood? One way to start the process is to write out a list
of all the reasons why someone likes you. List all your qualities - the
harder you find this exercise the more likely you are to be lacking in
confidence - and a lack of confidence is an excellent breeding ground for
jealous feelings.

Another important point is to stop blaming other people. It is not the
fault of your partner, the girl who smiled at your man at your friend's
party or the friendly barmaid at the local pub. When you feel jealous it is
all down to you. No one can make you feel jealous apart from yourself.
When we blame others we forget that if someone else would react
differently in a situation then our own feelings are only one way of
behaving.

2. Tackle your insecurity
Jealousy is a form of insecurity - talk to your partner about how you
really feel - for example, "I am feeling scared and think you'll go off with
someone else" not "why did you talk to that woman". When you

experience these feelings breathe slowly and deeply, telling yourself that
you are a worthwhile person with whom your partner chooses to be.
Accept that your feelings of insecurity will not go away overnight. They
are something you are going to have to work on. See them rather like
you would see an addiction to cigarettes - you have to work at stopping.
You may have acquired your jealous feelings through negative past
experiences. If you have already been cheated on, this may cause you to
be more possessive and controlling because you fear the same will
happen again. Even if your partner has never given you any reason to
doubt him, you may become increasingly anxious to hold on to the
relationship with a vice-like grip as you try to avoid potentially dangerous
situations at all costs. Unfortunately, though, such behaviour is likely to
prove counter-productive and may well bring about the very
consequences that you feared.
For the most part, jealousy is all about our own issues with selfconfidence.
You may feel that you're not good enough and that your
partner will soon leave as you believe that other women are better looking
and you feel insecure.

3. Learn from the past and deal with what's real
Look at how your behaviour has affected past relationships negatively
and use that information to help you behave better. You may soon
discover that your jealous outbursts are the real cause of your troubled
love life. Realize that getting upset for no reason won't help your
situation. Focus on what is happening, not what you think is happening,
otherwise you may end up having difficulty separating fact from fiction.
Don't let your imagination go mad in constructing rivals for your
partner's affections - deal with the reality.

4. Get help from your partner and friends
If you have explained your feelings to your partner you can ask him to
help you. If he says he won't then he may not be the catch you think he
is. For example, devise a simple code between you for when you are
feeling low. Agree with your partner that when you say a certain word or
make a certain movement this means you need some emotional support.
It may only mean your partner putting an arm round you. Remember that

your partner can only help you. He can only reassure you up to a point.
You are the one that has to learn to deal with your feelings.
You may also find it helpful to talk to a close friend and get support in the
changes you need to make from her. An outside opinion can be helpful.
Ask a friend to take note of your behaviour around your partner. It may
help you to understand the extent of your actions more fully.

5. If you can talk yourself into jealousy you can talk yourself out of
it
When you find yourself talking yourself into a jealous rage, stand back,
take a deep breath and ask yourself what evidence you have for your
thoughts. When you come up with an answer, question it to see whether
your evidence is real or simply your distorted perception - for example,
"she was looking at him and he looked at her, I'm sure she wants to have
a relationship with him and is trying to get him off me" First, you ask
yourself what evidence you have to support your thoughts. Then
challenge your destructive thoughts with alternatives such as - "yes, she
did look at my boyfriend but then many people do and I have no evidence
to suggest she wants a relationship. This is only my jealousy trying to
take control - if I go on this way I will destroy the relationship we have"

You need to challenge your thoughts regularly and if you do you will
learn to talk yourself out of the thoughts that trigger your jealous feelings
- which are really insecure feelings about yourself. Keep on raising your
own self-esteem and you will find your thoughts and feelings becoming
less negative.

6. Help yourself
You may find it helpful to read "Overcoming Jealousy" by Professor
Windy Dryden, Sheldon Books, £6.99. The Othello Response: Dealing
with Jealousy, Suspicion and Rage in Your Relationship, Kenneth Ruge
& Barry Lenson, Marlowe & Company, £12.99. Shame and Jealousy:
The Hidden Turmoils, Phil Mollon, Stylus Publishing, £9.99
Gladeana McMahon