Building Your Child's Self-Esteem and Confidence

The main thing which has been driven home is that all we can do is 'the best with the raw material we have'! Kids are born different and need different approaches and levels of encouragement. My son responds very badly to negative reinforcement - he rebels and grows angry, and if he is already in trouble he feels he has nothing to lose and will go for broke - but telling him he has been doing really well and that I need him to be helpful and 'my good boy' makes him bend over backwards to do what I ask and to please. He physically grows in stature and self-esteem. My daughter would not fall for that, but complies readily with a calm rebuke.

Your child is a human being with rights, and valid opinions and views. Encourage and foster rather than fight independence. Communicate, listen and show respect for their wishes (have a set time each day where you have quality time and really talk). Don't lash out in anger - that is giving the message that it is OK to be abusive - where possible, ignore unwanted or volatile behaviour, walk away and later address sticking points again when both calm. A good boss works with emotional intelligence and demonstrates empathy; parenting is the same. Be prepared to apologise to the child if you get it wrong.

Your love should not be dependent on how well they do in an exam or on whether they do exactly as told. If your child is in trouble, they know they have made a mistake so there is no point rubbing their nose in it. Of course, make known your disappointment and reprimand as appropriate, but let them know you will always be there for them. My mother was such a tyrant I would have kept any misdemeanours or problems hidden rather than ever ask for her help.

* "If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." -- Glenn, age 7

* "Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." -- John, age 9

* "I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." -- Manuel, age 8

* "No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." -- Mae, age 9

* "Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." -- Greg, age 8

* "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife." -- Tom, age 5

* "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -- Mike, 10

* "I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when Dinosaurs is on television." -- Jill, age 6

* "One of the people has freckles, and so he finds somebody else who has freckles too." -- Andrew, age 6

* "My mother says to look for a man who is kind. That's what I'll do. I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -- Carolyn, age 8

* "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -- Kenny, age 7

* "One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." -- Ava, age 8

* "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced.'" -- Anita, 9

* "I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." -- Regina, age 10

* "Most men are brainless, so you might have to try more than once to find a live one." -- Angie, age 10

* "A man and a woman promise to go through sickness and illness and diseases together." -- Marlon, age 10

* "[Being] single is better . . . for the simple reason that I wouldn't want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I'd figure something out. I'd just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing." -- Kirsten, age 10

* "Love is foolish...but I still might try it sometime." -- Floyd, age 9

* "Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." -- Dave, age 8

With a stroppy teen it is easy to spend the whole time moaning and criticising, so it is important to constantly seek opportunities for praise and encouragement (to show you have noticed, to pay attention, to encourage conversation, to boost confidence, and to encourage desired behaviour). Bad behaviour could be a symptom of an underlying problem or concern. Don't expect perfection - adults behave badly when stressed, emotional or tired too!

I had a client who was the child of two parents who were very hands off and perhaps overly keen to not interfere with their child's choices. As a result, he admitted, he had felt unsupported and insecure (and he is not the only one to have expressed this sentiment when parents have given a lot of freedom).

He did not have any structure, boundaries or direction. Teens love pushing boundaries, so they can feel lost with no boundaries to push! Perfectionists want to know 'the right way' and prefer guidance and someone with whom to check and off whom to bounce ideas.

Remember to set a good example of appropriate behaviour yourself! Don't fall into the trap of giving an ultimatum unless prepared to face the consequences; do not renege on promises or threats -say what you mean and mean what you say! If you have the listening, trust and respect bit right, the setting of parameters will be less of a problem.

The correct goals and direction depend again on knowing who the child is and playing to his or her strengths, personality and interests. Kids are happy and confident when doing something they like, are good at, and can excel in. Encourage excellence not perfection. Kids are not stupid, so do not over-praise or gush about mediocre achievements if clearly not their best effort! Praise the effort not the result. Help them to laugh at and learn from their failures; the most stressed out young people I see have serious panicky parents who take life too seriously and unwittingly impose further pressure.