Forgive Your Parents and Yourself

Both parenting and forgiveness are difficult for most of us at the best of times. Many of us carry the burden of pain and anger due to a wrong we feel has been committed against us by our parents...so it was for me.

This story begins with me being handed a twenty dollar bill by my mom to go to the nearby grocery store for her. I was a small child, younger than ten, although I don't remember my exact age. My mom had my baby brother at home too so it was probably easier to send me off to get what she wanted than to have to bundle us both up and walk to the store. When she handed me the bill she admonished me with the following words "Don't lose the change; this is the last $20 that I have".

I toddled off earnestly to do her bidding. I didn't know what she was worried about. I could handle keeping the money safe; I was a "big" girl...after all, wasn't I going to the supermarket alone?

I got to the supermarket and walked through the aisles to find what I was sent for, collected the item and went to the cashier. I handed that last twenty dollar bill over to the cashier to pay for the item and she made the change. She was especially dutiful and thought that it would be best if I was given the change in an envelope so that it would be safe. I didn't argue; I too felt that the money was safer in the envelope.

I left the cashier to head home clutching the envelope tightly in my hand so I wouldn't lose it. I didn't even get out of the store before I was approached by an even "bigger" boy than me. He told me that my mom had sent him because she was worried about the money and that I was to give it to him to hold until we got home. I believed him; why wouldn't I...no one had ever lied to me before. I handed the envelope containing the change over to him. Much to my surprise he ran off with the envelope!

Can you imagine my shock? The feeling in the pit of my stomach was horrible...what was I going to do? I didn't want to go home; I didn't know how I was going to face my mom and tell her that the change was gone. She had told me not to lose it...that we didn't have any more money! I sat on the curb at the front of the grocery store. I don't know how long I was there...long enough for my mom to be worried about me because she finally came to see what had happened to me. When she arrived at the grocery store I was still sitting on the curb in front of the store. She asked me what the problem was and I told her about the "big" boy.

Her reaction was not what I expected. I thought she would be sympathetic to my plight; after all I had been duped, lied to, conned, taken advantage of. I had been sitting in front of the store in agony for ages wondering what to tell her. She was enraged! She nearly dragged me home. Once there she grabbed the wooden paddle, which normally hung on the kitchen wall for decoration purposes only, off the wall and proceeded to punish me in a cruel and unusual manner...she beat me with the paddle! This was cruel and unusual punishment because my mom never, ever hit me before this moment and, not only was she spanking me, she was spanking me with a wooden paddle!

I felt humiliated, angry, and emotionally pained. I thought that this punishment was totally unjust; after all, I was the victim in the situation. She was victimizing me further! I kept the feelings from that day bottled up inside me where they smoldered and helped me hate my mother for years.

But this is about forgiveness.

So...

Fast forward many years when I found myself in the situation where I was a single mom with a couple of kids, on Mother's Allowance, living in a housing complex. One day I was feeling particularly stressed, and poor. I had very little money left; on Mother's Allowance there is always more month than money. I guess that being down to my last few dollars brought back the memory of "that" day. I had the sudden realization of what my mom must have felt on that fateful day, the frustration that she must have felt on losing the last money that she had, the pain that she was going through...I was there! I knew, at that moment, that it was not my mom's fault. She had just snapped! I understood, I felt her pain, I was walking in her shoes.

I forgave her.

Suddenly, the most incredible thing happened...I actually felt a weight lift off my shoulders! It was a physical experience...I felt myself stand taller, feel lighter! I have read and heard that when you forgive someone that a load is lifted off of you...I have a first hand experience of it. It is the most wonderful, amazing feeling to have the burden lift off your shoulders. It is so difficult to describe the feeling that I had that day but I am so thankful that the burden was lifted from me. I am so thankful that I found forgiveness for my mom because that day began the healing process in my relationship with her.

But I am also thankful for "that" day; without it I wouldn't have had the incredible experience of forgiveness. I also may not have been the parent that I am without it. The memory of that day has helped me strive to be the best parent that I can be. I realize that there are going to be situations where I will behave badly as a parent, despite my best intentions. I can, however, own up to the fact that I have behaved badly and apologize to my children when it happens and seek their forgiveness. I hope that by recognizing that I have not been the best that I can be and acknowledging that to my children and seeking their forgiveness that our relationship will not require mending after years of them carrying a burden of anger.

That experience also made it possible for me to forgive myself when I am not my best. This is not to say that I think anything goes when you are parenting. It is important to be mindful of the fact that our children are given to us to guide and keep safe while they are small. We should love them and treat them with gentleness and kindness, as much as is humanly possible. But we all know that the stresses of life take over and sometimes we behave badly. It does as much harm to oneself to carry guilt about behaviour for years as it does to be angry at someone for years. Be kind and loving toward yourself as well and, as long as you know that you are always striving to be the best and improve yourself as a parent and as a person, give yourself the gift of forgiveness too.