Parenting With Power

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Some good parenting advice, and some good stories.

Thanks for taking a look.

Scripture of the week:

He who loves his son disciplines him promptly.

~ Proverbs 13:23-25

Have you ever thought about the difference between punishment and discipline?

There's really quite a difference. Punishment gives a negative consequence, but discipline means to teach.

Punishment is negative; discipline is positive.

Punishment focuses on past misdeeds. Discipline focuses on future good deeds.

Punishment is often motivated by anger. Discipline is motivated by love.

Punishment focuses on justice to balance the scales. Discipline focuses on teaching, to prepare for next time.

The child who teases relentlessly, the child who whines for a snack and the child who bickers with his brother, all have one thing in common: a need to change patterns of behaviour and a need to change the heart.

Some parents only use punishment or anger to motivate their children to act differently. This attitude says, "If I just point out the problem enough times, he'll eventually change."

What these kids really need is firm correction with a positive focus. Be sure to tell your children what they should do in place of the unwanted behaviour. Teach them right responses to replace the negative ones. Have them practise doing the right thing before they are free to go. It takes more work to discipline instead of punish but the rewards are certainly worth it. Children grow and develop new patterns of healthy responses.

Strategy for the week:

What have you done with your children to teach them in the midst of a conflict?

This week, focus on discovering the underlining problem and seek to teach and develop your children's strategies for self control, insight and problem solving when tough times arise.

Scripture of the week:

The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in His mercy.

~ Psalm 103:7

Understanding Why We Get Angry

One of the helpful steps in equipping children to control their anger is to recognise four causes of anger. When your children have settled down after an altercation and you debrief with them about their anger, talk about what is causing it. You and your child may see patterns and then be able to head off the problem earlier next time.

1. Blocked Goals.

This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his lego bricks all over the
floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.

2. Violated Rights.

That's when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in
peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favourite CD. Those are violated rights.

3. Unmet Expectations.

You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or, Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.

4. Experiencing Unfairness.

When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.

Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause. Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help your children gain a greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.

Strategy for the week:

Take time this week to sit with your children and examine the causes of their anger. Help them develop strategies for dealing with anger issues as they
arise.

Scripture of the week:

By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established: through knowledge its rooms are filled with rare and beautiful treasures.

~ Proverbs 24:3,4

Raising a Leader

Some children are born leaders. They want to control their parents, their siblings, their friends, and even people they don't know. They have their own agenda and want everyone else to know what it is and how to fit into it.

Leaders can be a real blessing in life but they sure are hard to raise.

One of the greatest gifts you can give to your budding leader is the ability to follow. To follow means listening to the needs and desires of others, submitting to someone else's agenda, and learning how to work cooperatively on a team. All good leaders need to know how and when to follow.

Although you will nurture the leadership gifts your child possesses, it's also your job to teach him or her how to work with others. The weaknesses of young leaders are demonstrated in negative ways like arguing, badgering, and being demanding or angry. Don't just brush off these weaknesses as inevitable.

Take time to correct, but do it in a way that appreciates the child's gifts.

"Karen, I can tell you're going to be a leader someday, but remember that good leaders need to think about the needs of others." Or, "Jim, I like the way you take initiative with your brother. Remember, though, that a good leader is also a good listener."

As you guide the development of your young leader you'll not only make family life easier now, but also you'll be equipping him for the future. Your hard work will be worth it in the end.

Strategy for the week:

Leadership is influence. Our ability to influence our children is tied into their respect for us. As we teach them to become leaders, we, as parents, have to become leaders worth following. Spend time listening to them, setting limits and teaching them Godly wisdom. It is a tough but wonderful job for which we need God's wisdom to build them into leaders that are truly beautiful treasures in your home.

Scripture of the week:

Be devoted to one another in love. Honour one another above yourselves.

~ Romans 12:10

Some children have the ability to take the energy right out of family life. These children are demanding of your time, need a lot of correction and seem to be magnets for conflict. They are often emotionally explosive but almost always drain the energy out of parents and other family members. Unfortunately too, these children develop a negative view of themselves based on the high amount of negative feedback they receive.

One solution is to teach them to add energy back into family life. We use the term "honour" to describe the process of thinking of others above yourself. If Jack seems to get people riled up each afternoon before dinner, set an appointment with him at 4:00pm for several days in a row and ask him to look for three things he can do to add to family life. He may decorate the dinner table, encourage his brother or prepare something nice for Dad's arrival
home.

If Jack continually antagonizes his sister, tell him that he needs to think of three nice things to do for her before he can go on with family life. Don't tell him exactly what he needs to do. If you decide what Jack needs to do and tell him to do it, that's obedience.

When Jack chooses, that's honour. Honour treats people as special and does more than what's expected. Jack needs to learn how to add energy to family life instead of taking it away. Challenging children in this way helps them to think differently. All children need to be taught the concept of honour because it will make them more effective in life. That is why God made it one of His most important commandments. Hidden within honour are the secret ingredients that make people more successful in relationships with each other and with God. Teaching honour is worth the work, because honour changes people into devoted followers of Christ.

Strategy for the week:

As this year begins, find ways to have your children showing honour to others. Model honour as you respect your children in your words and behaviours. They will learn to do the same. Teach your children to show honour in their relationships as they care for friends and support each other while honouring the values that you have taught them. Honouring honesty, hard work and patience builds children who value hard work and completing tasks to their rightful end.

Scripture of the week:

Do not conform to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will.

~ Romans 12:2

"But mum, everyone's doing it!" Has your child ever come to you and made the statement "Everyone's doing it," to get you to give in to a request?

Children use all kinds of tactics to get permission for things parents would rather not say 'yes' to.

There are three things you need to keep in mind when you are challenged with that statement.

1. Sometimes children believe that appropriate behaviour is determined by the culture they live in and the values held by it. Rather, the rules you set up in your home are based upon the values you hold. Different families have different values so as parents we need to decide what values and convictions we are going to use to determine the rules and expectations for our own families. Don't allow popular culture to dictate the values and expectations in your family.

2. Not everyone else is doing it. There are many families that set guidelines similar to, or even stricter, than yours. Children have a tendency to find more permissive families to compare themselves to, so they can ask for more.

3. Recognise that this statement is a manipulative technique. It makes us feel like we are depriving our children of something. Parenting is hard work and too many parents are unwilling to take a stand for what is right and for values that are wholesome, healthy and biblical.

Don't let your children push your buttons with the statement, "Everyone's doing it." Instead, use the opportunity to teach them about your convictions and the values behind the rules you set.

Strategy for the week:

Peers influence your child's life and that influence can be positive or negative. Discuss with your child what their friends' values are which will highlight what kind of influence your child is under and how their thinking and values may be affected by their peers. Christmas holidays are a perfect time to have some discussions with your children on their values and their peers' values.

Have a blessed time of communication and relationship building with a wonderful Christmas enjoying the blessing of our Lord and Saviour.

Scripture of the week:

If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. ~ 1 Peter 4:11

Communication is at the centre of all relationships.

Closeness is communicated in many ways and people give and receive love differently.

Five levels of communication provide opportunities for increased closeness in family life. Each level serves an important role for growing deeper. If tension and stress dominate your relationship with your child, start working through these communication levels and you'll begin to see significant change take place.

1. Greetings are the oil that keep relationships cordial. Hugging your children as part of a greeting or welcoming them to breakfast in the morning makes an important statement about the value of your relationship.

2. Exchanging information about our lives helps people know what's going on and contributes to a sense of connectedness. As you go through your day, think of a couple of interesting things you could share with your child.

3. Sharing opinions and judgements is the next level. Some people are hesitant to share their opinions because they feel like they'll have to back them up or face an argument. Look for ways to affirm your children. "That makes sense" can be an encouraging statement even if you disagree. "Thank you for sharing your opinion with me," can be a statement that encourages openness.

4. Communicating emotions takes us another level deeper. Facts and opinions often have emotions hidden behind them. "I bet that hurt" or "I can tell you're excited about that," acknowledges feelings your child might be experiencing.

5. Sharing spiritually brings an amazing amount of closeness into a relationship. Praying together, sharing what God is teaching you, enjoying worship together, and having a sense of spiritual fellowship are all ways to enjoy the deepest level of communication. As you strengthen your spiritual lives together, you'll see more and more opportunities to discuss heart issues.

Strategy for the week:

All five levels of communication are important. You can't skip the first few and still experience closeness. Look for opportunities to experience all levels with your children. How we communicate is extremely important. Our words can injure or heal, condemn or uplift, and be true or deceitful. This week teach children to control their anger by speaking gently without shouting and to think before they speak. Communicate to them that they will be listened to when they are being rational and controlled.

Scripture of the week:

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another.

~ Romans 12: 14,15,16

Many families ignore emotions or view them as a nuisance. But emotions affect children more than they realize.

One of the keys to helping children understand emotions is to teach them the difference between the feeling and the response.

It's okay to feel sad, but that doesn't justify treating people unkindly.

When Joel was thirteen, his dog, Skippy, died. Joel had raised Skippy from a puppy. They played together, slept together, and Joel had taken care of Skippy when he was sick. Now his beloved friend was gone. Joel's heart was broken. The pain was intense. He spent the next few days bouncing between lashing out at those around him and withdrawing into himself. His heart was working hard to absorb this unwanted new experience: life without his loyal friend.

Mum was patient with Joel, giving him space to grieve and work things out. She initiated conversation with him often and looked for ways to comfort him. Sometimes Joel used his sadness as an excuse for being unkind or disrespectful, but Mum made it clear that grieving was okay; meanness was not. Over time, Joel adjusted to life without Skippy. Mum's approach was successful because she considered Joel's heart during that time.

Romans 12:15 tells us to "Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." Emotions are a part of life.

Children often need help recognizing and dealing with their emotions. They haven't learned yet how to process all the feelings their hearts experience.

Teaching children about their emotions and the appropriate ways to deal with them will prepare kids for experiencing even deeper joys and sadness in the future. Helping children separate what they feel from how they treat you and others is an important part of that process.

Strategy for the week:

As we model self -control to our children and manage our emotions, they will observe and learn appropriate control. Teach children that emotions are a part of life. Label feelings accurately and teach them to express them appropriately through talking, self- control, and asking themselves, "What would Jesus do?"

Scripture of the week:

"Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others."

~ Philippians 2:4

A good way to explain to older children what servanthood actually means is "seeking to overcome selfishness by looking for ways to help and care for others."

For younger children you might say, servanthood is "looking for ways to make other people happy before me."

In the Bible, Paul teaches us to not be selfish but to continually look out for ways to be a servant to others.

This is a difficult concept for most children as all of us are born with a sinful and selfish nature. Teaching your children how to be servants can take many years. It is a character trait that needs to be taught regularly and sometimes, with infinite patience.

Plan ways that each person in your family can practise being a servant, rather than telling your children how and when to serve. As a parent, you are already
serving your children in more ways than they probably appreciate. In fact, you might ask your child to serve by taking on one of the tasks you usually do in family life.

This gives opportunity for you to model appreciation for service.

An older child might plan and prepare a meal for the family for example. That is more complicated than many children realise. The work required to think of others may be just what some children need to get out of their own selfish patterns. Of course, those being served often respond with delight and appreciation, which is the built

in reward for servanthood. This kind of role reversal can go a long way to teach children to value others and appreciate the things people do for them.

Strategy for the week:

Roleplay and rolemodel acts of servanthood to your children. Have fun together while you teach them how to cook a meal and serve it, buy an icy pole for another child, share toys, help mum cook biscuits, set the table, sweep the floors, give money at church or wash the car. Most importantly, be patient and enjoy the process of your children learning to be just like Jesus.

Scripture of the week:

God is a God of order. 'Put your outdoor work in order and get your fields ready; after that, build your house.' Proverbs 24:27

Getting off to School on the Right Foot

Mornings can be a stressful time for families especially when the term break is over and children need to get back to their usual school routine. One of the goals parents have for their children is to teach them to be independent and internally motivated to get ready for school.

Have you ever heard yourself rushing and prodding your children along in the morning, saying, 'You're going to be late. You better hurry and brush your hair. Get your shoes on. Get in the car%u2026?' Maybe it is time to try a new system with your children, a new strategy.

In a family meeting you could say to your children: "You are all getting older, more mature and more responsible. Tomorrow begins a new system where you're going to manage yourselves. I've been doing a lot of yelling and getting upset in the morning and I don't want to do that anymore. So I have a plan. I'm
not going to wake you up in the morning. Here is a new alarm clock for each of you. You can decide what time you want to get up as long as you are well on time for school. I want you to learn to be independent so we're going to have check points each morning. At 7:15am you need to be down for breakfast, all
dressed with shoes on and your bed made.

By 7:50am you need to have completed your chores and have combed your hair.

By 8:10am you need to be seated in the car ready to go. Those are the checkpoints. This means you have to learn to look at the clock yourself and not wait for me to tell you what time it is.

To help you be motivated to meet these check points, I have something positive and something negative. Let's start with the positive. First, if you meet your two check points each morning for five mornings then I will allow you to watch a video on the weekend. However, if you miss one check point on a morning
you will have to go to bed half an hour earlier that evening, since you must need more sleep in order to get up and get yourself ready." Of course you can do different rewards in your family. Be creative.

End the meeting positively and talk about the benefits of independence and being self-motivated. You need to teach your children how to set their alarms so they feel empowered and eager to manage themselves in the morning. When you start your new routine you should stay in bed and hear alarms going
off and feet shuffling. You will be tempted to get up and check on their progress but you need to trust them and stick to your plan. You will be surprised how (most) children want to be successful at demonstrating their independence to you in the morning by getting ready. The benefit is that you don't have to nag or be harsh.

Strategy for the week:

This week start a new routine and replace stress and nagging with firmness and a clear plan for developing independence in your children, all in a positive atmosphere of cooperation.

Scripture of the week:

One who loves a pure heart and who speaks with grace will have the King for a friend.

Proverbs 22:11

Children and parents should be in a friendly and positive relationship, however, this should not weaken the parent's limit setting. Many parents feel bad when
they say 'No' because they think their children will be mad at them. Over time, most parents learn that making a decision and enforcing it is the right thing to
do.

Children may get angry with you, but you have to discipline because you are the parent. Usually, after the disciplined child settles down, they know you did
it for their own good. Children know deep down that the parent, who corrects them, is a parent who loves them, a parent who wants the best for their child.

Firmness doesn't need to be cold, angry and distant. Eye contact, gentle words and extra time can add a personal touch to parenting that helps children feel valued. Putting your hand on your son's shoulder, calling your daughter close to give an instruction, addressing a child by their name and speaking softly are all ways to show children that they are important.

Children are not possessions to order around with harshness. They are treasures to treat with honour. Sometimes we have to respond, "I'm sorry but I have to say no."

Nagging and harshness when parenting are relationship-damaging patterns and require restraint of both children and parents. Children must learn to respond to different cues their parents give them and parents must learn other habits of giving instructions or warnings.

Strategy for the week:

Changing negative parenting habits is not easy and requires self-discipline, courage, humility and especially patience. As you allow and welcome this ongoing change to improve your parenting skills, your children will benefit enormously and it will equip them with the resilient character needed to succeed and flourish in this ever changing world.

Scripture of the week:

Serve wholeheartedly, as if you were serving the Lord.

Ephesians 6:7

Children often compete with each other in order to be first or best. This tendency on the part of children comes from selfishness, a major roadblock to sibling
harmony.

The solution is to learn how to be a servant, but how do you convince a five-year-old or a twelve year-old that being a servant is a valuable thing?

As parents we have to look for positive ways to frame the maturity issues that we know are best, but seem unreasonable to our children. In this case, you
might try having a "Servant for the Day."

This child not only sets the table and takes out the trash but also gets some extra "Mummy time," helps with dinner, and sits next to Dad during story time. Throughout the course of the day, Mum has an opportunity to talk about more subtle aspects of servanthood that involve how children talk, listen, and even think.

Take time to praise demonstrations of servanthood.

One child may not get the first turn or the biggest piece, but he gets the praise of Mum for being the mature one. That's a far more valuable reward.

Strategy for the week:

Teaching children to be servants will promote harmony in your family. Becoming a servant will help children deal with the continual desire to build themselves up while putting others down. Learning servanthood is a way to honour others in the family and it brings honour back as well.

Scripture of the week:

Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.

~ Proverbs 22:6

As children get older, parents gradually release control of decision-making and allow their kids greater freedom to make choices for themselves. Too much freedom too early can be disastrous, but too much control and then instant freedom can be dangerous as well.

The key to making good decisions has a lot to do with values, but children don't get to hear about values as often. Children hear rules. If, when your kids are growing up, you talk about the values behind the rules then when they have the freedom to make their own decisions, they'll be able to do so with wisdom.

Children outgrow rules, but they don't outgrow values. When kids are young you may not allow them to go down the street without an adult. When they get a little older they'll have to check in and be home at a certain time.

Those are rules but they come out of very important values of safety and accountability. When a college student is invited to stay out late with her friends, those values from childhood will still ring true, and will help guide her to wise decisions.

Prepare now for your child's future decision-making.

What are the values behind the rules you've created?

Share those values regularly as opportunities to teach your kids. Your children will carry the values on for the rest of their lives.

Strategy for the week:

Children absorb messages of right and wrong from every teacher they have and every television program they watch. Teach your child to be media savvy, which will give them a tool for interpreting the messages thrown at them from every direction. Practice what you preach. By living your values children will see them in action and have a role model to identify with. Choose a different value to focus on each week.

Scripture of the week:

Trust in the LORD and do good. Dwell in the land and feed on His faithfulness.

Psalm 37:2

A problems arises when a person's worth or value is not easily apparent. A father might dishonour his child because he doesn't appreciate her and even considers her opinions and actions foolish. He may over-react, pull away or make sarcastic remarks. A mother may react with anger when treated poorly by her son and over time will lose any sense of value she once had for him.

It is especially harmful when parents give up or become hostile in response to their children's rejection. this can be a serious parenting mistake that may contribute to young people searching for different friends and authorities who will listen and accept them, especially when they are teenagers.

I remember confronting and correction my teenage daughter once, just to hear her angry and disrespectful response of, "get out of my room!"

When your children's worth or value is not easily apparent, a parent must learn to honour their child by faith. Honouring our children, even when they behave in a completely unlovable way, is one of the most difficult skills when parenting.

It is helpful to look at this issue from God's perspective. Each person has intrinsic value to God and is significant and worthwhile to Him. Often when you start with God's perspective you recognise the value of even the most difficult person. Stories abound of parents who have continued to be faithful even when all seemed hopeless, only to find their child to make major steps of improvement.

Teenagers formulate a worldview and opinions about life. When parents dish it out the same way teens do, their children often get hurt. As parents, we must continually look for ways to challenge our children to maturity without harming our sometimes fragile relationship with them.

Teens have a way of treating you badly one minute and asking for money the next.

Sometimes we must just say something like, "I'd like to take you to shopping but I feel uncomfortable about the way you asked me to "Get out of your room" an hour ago. I would like to deal with that problem first before we go on living life as normal." This way, your child feels they are still honoured and loved by you and usually respond by honouring you as the parent.

Stragegy for the week:

Challeng your teenagers, but continually do it in honouring ways. In the end, you will preserve relationship and motivate growth at the same time.

Scripture of the week:

"Wise discipline imparts wisdom; spoiled children embarrass their parents.

Proverbs 29:15

The Bible tells children to honour their father and mother, but many children need help understanding what honour is and learn practical ways to show it.

Father's Day is an excellent time for mothers to teach their children how to honour Dad.

Of course, you will work with your children to do something thoughtful such as create a card, buy him a new tool or make him bacon and eggs in bed, but also use it as a teaching time for your children that will last longer than one day.

When children learn to honour their father, they also understand the concept of honouring their heavenly Father.

Honour means treating people as special, doing more than what is expected and having a good attitude.

How can we treat Dad as special every day?

One way is to develop a habit of greeting him, expressing gratefulness for what he does and asking to spend time with him.

You may want to look at it this way. The family is like a bucket with holes in it. Wter represents the energy in family life and that energy is continually draining out because of the work of family life. We do a lot of work with meals, laundry, shopping, driving and cleaning. In order for the family to work most effectively and not lose all of its energy, everyp person in the family needs to be adding energy.

Sometimes children drain energy out of family life with bad attitudes and not honouring their parents, making the job of working together more difficult.

Stragegy for the week:

God has instructed that honour be learned and demonstrated at home, but developing it at home is only the beginning of its benefit. Those who learn honour will be able to use it for the rest of their lives. Use the special occasion of Father's Day this weekend to train your children in honouring their father.

Scripture of the week:

"But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord GOD, that I may declare all Your works.

Psalm 73:27

Have you ever experienced "moments of closeness" with your family?

Maybe you had the whole family together in your bed chatting and laughing on a Saturday morning, or your family travelled together and you all felt really close and unified.

It is those times when parents "soak" up the intense feeling of closeness. Even God wants us to draw near to Him and be close to His heart.

All parents, including our heavenly Father, want to experience closeness with their children and many work hard to provide opportunities for that sense of connection to develop.

Several challenges, however, compete with the move toward this special time of closeness. Different personality types within a family, the busyness of family life and the constant need for correction and boundary setting make closeness difficult at times. Some parents are so disconnected from their own family life, they never experience a moment of closeness and belonging.

That's why fun times, when parents and children take part in and enjoy their relationship together, are so important. For those brief moments the heart connection over-shadows the challenges of being ini a family. It is in those times that parents are again reminded that all the work of parenting is worth it.

Heart moments are important for parents and children. They provide a sense of belonging, security and love. When children have these basic but incredibly important needs met, they seem to be able to take on many of the challenges of life much more smoothly and develop remarkable resilience.

Strategy for the week:

Look for ways to value family relationships and make family activities a requirement. Plan meal times together, attend sporting events as a family, do spiritual training in the home and look for ways to enjoy relationships with each other. When parents and children work together and play together, heart moments are bound to be the pleasant result.

Scripture of the week:

"I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart. I will glorify Your name forevermore."

Psalm 86:12

A heart moment is a special connection that takes place inside of your child's heart, or in your own heart, or both, that confirms a step of progress. Sometimes the heart moment just reminds you of the significance of your parenting role. Other times, the heart moment helps you feel close to your child in a unique and powerful way. For some, a heart moment is when the light bulb comes on in your child that says, "I finally get it, dad." This is often the case after we have sown seeds of obedience, understanding and discipline into our children and finally, after many years of watering, fertilising and constant weeding, as parents always do, we see the fruition of these seeds. Sometimes it takes many years but the "heart moment" is amazing.

Sometimes, heart moments just happen, but many times they are the result of intentional effort on the part of hardworking parents. You do the daily work of parenting because you know it's the right thing to do. Along the way you're trying to teach values and life lessons, but most of the time you are just trying to get the things done that have to be done today.

Some parents have longed for heart change for months or yhears and seem to have given up on any significant developments. then a heart moment comes along to provide encouragement that yes, there is hope that this child may actually grow to maturity someday. Tears are often associated with heart moments, further revealing the extend of their importance to parents. Usually, they bring tears of deep joy, but sometimes it's amazement, admiration, gratefulness, pride or just the intense satisfaction of feeling close.

Strategy for the week:

When a heart moment overwhelms you with emotion, it is important to express what you are feeling to your child. It is in those times when children can often catch the significance of their choices, that they have made an important decision or action that has deeply touched mum or dad. Be on the look out for heart moments. They are the reward of parenting and often result in teachable opportunities with your child.

Scripture of the week:

"Suffering produces perseverance; perseverance produces character and character, hope."

Romans 5:3

Children have a way of speaking words of encouragement that create amazing "heart moments" in a parent that are more significant than those children ever imagined.

God knows that we need that kind of support and encouragement to keep us on track. Parenting is hard work and hope is a cherished commodity that keeps parents moving forward when they feel like things are falling apart either in themselves or in their children.

Children also have the ability to turn the things parents teach them into lessons for others, including you. On the one hand, it is quite encouraging to see that your child is learning and improving, but on the other hand, it can be difficult to receive a rebuke from your own child, especially when they are true.

Children have an uncanny way of sensing truth and proclaiming it. Maybe that is why God likens our own spiritual growth to be like a child growing up and having a "child like" faith.

Even though parents are always learning and growing, understanding God's grace in its various forms is a challenge for even the most mature person. God uses hardship and trials to develop the character in a person's life. The struggles parents face within themselves and with their children are part of God's refining process.

Strategy for the week:

Look out this week for those special encouraging words your child may bless you with. God has many ways of sending parents messages of hope. They sometimes come through a scripture passage or a pastor's message. A husband or wife can be a great source of encouragement in family life, but there's something about God's use of a child that has the ability to go straight to your heart. It's those moments that parents can look back on and cherish during the difficult times.

Scripture of the week:

Listen with respect to the father who raised you and when your mother grows old, don't neglect her. Buy truth - don't sell it for love or money; buy wisdom, buy education, buy insight. Parent rejoice when their children turn out well; wise children become proud parents. So make your father happy! Make your mother proud!

Proverbs 23:22

Sometimes children obey but they do it with a bad attitude. Honour is the solution. It is important to teach children what honour looks like in very practical terms. Attitude could be defined as "the heart of how you do something". Obedience is revealed in actions. Honour is revealed in the attitude that goes along with those actions.

Often a bad attitude comes from an angry heart.

Imagine an onion with various layers. As you peel off one layer you see another and another until youg et to the centre of the onion.

Anger is like that.

The most obvious signs of anger are physical violence. Hitting, slamming, kicking and biting are all ways in which anger is demonstrated. As children learn to control their physical reactions, they peel off that layer revealing the next one: hurtful words through sarcasm, teasing and cynical remarks. These less physical but deadly weapons are another symptom of anger. Layer after layer of angry responses can be removed until you come to a very significant one: the bad attitude.

Children don't want to go to bed, clean up their rooms, leave the computer or get on their shoes. You are interrupting their lives by giving an instruction or by correcting and by saying no. Thus you get anger revealed in a bad attitude.

by recognising this you will take the first important step toward change and you will see the problem more clearly. You won't be content to get a job done with a bad attitude because now you will see the importance of addressing the attitude as well as the behaviour.

Use "time out" when you come across an attitude problem. You might say to your son/daughter, "Wait a minute. Your attitude here is a problem. I'd like you to sit down for a while and settle down and then let's look for a better way to respond. When you're ready to try a different response then we'll continue."

Strategy for the week:

Explain to your children the value of a good attitude and the danger of a negative attitude on the job or at school. A good attitude is important and your interaction at home is a great place to start working on it.

Scripture of the week:

"Dear child, if you become wise, I'll be one happy parent. My heart will dance and sing to the tuneful truth you'll speak."

Provers 23:15

It is not easy to teach values in your family and explain the reasons behind your rules. When you think of rules, you may just think of a list of do's and don'ts that you are trying to impress upon your children. "Do your homework", "Brush your teeth", "Tell me the truth".

Rules can be much more than that though. They can be used as the vehicle to communicate values to your children. When rules are implemented and used correctly, children will learn not only to say "Excuse me" before interrupting a conversation, but more importantly, they will learn to respect others and see the value of listening to others first before speaking.

Ask yourself why you require your five-year-old to stay in the yard or your teenager to check in regularly. These are safety issues and develop a sense of accountability to others. Why do you ask your son to make his bed every day or your daughter to clean and vacuum her room on Saturday?

It has to do with the value of neatness and self discipline.

Take time to talk about the values, not just the rules. It is a good idea to ask your children why this rule is important to you. You may ask your children questions like: "Why do you think I would like you to ..... brush your teeth, let me know where you are, clean your room, etc?

We all have values that we somehow wish our children would develop and take on as their own. As they grow, our children will evaluate our values and choose the ones they understand and can relate to. You have a window of opportunity with your children in which you can teach them the values that you embrace.

Rules are values put into action.

They show children what values look like, how to put them into practice and why they are important. If we want our children to embrace our values, we need to teach them what these values are and how to implement them in their lives.

Rules become a good vehicle to teach children the things that are most important to us.

Strategy for the week:

While you're pondering on this idea, consider some of the reasons for the rules God has for us, his children. It is a good way to connect with the things that are most valuable to God and His family.

Scripture of the week:

"If you lack wisdom, ask God."

James 1:5

With the holidays approaching, school aged children will spend lots of time at home. As parents, we want children to be able to anticipate the consequences of their inappropriate actions, which often happen when they are coupled up on a rainy day.

One of the greatest sources of sibling conflict is foolishness.

Children often don't recognise the future consequences of their present actions. Thomas trips his younger sister. Karen teases her brother until he cries. These are examples of children not anticipating the consequences of their actions.

Foolishness is one of the three roadblocks to sibling harmony. Helping your children to learn about responsibility offers the solution. Responsibility teaches wisdom in relationships.

One of the ways that you can recognise not taking responsibility (the Bible calls it foolishness) is to listen for the flags. Excuses like, "I was just joking" or "I didn't mean it" or "I was just playing around" or "I didn't do anything wrong" are all cues that a child is not taking responsibility for their foolish behaviour.

Children often evaluate life in terms of black and white and when they do something foolish, the behaviour may not have been wrong to them. These children don't understand that a good behaviour can sometimes be wrong because it leads to something bad.

The first solution is to help children learn to take responsibility for their part of the problem. This is hard for many children who view mistakes as a sign of weakness. Help children take responsibility for foolishness and you will go a long way to teach them about wisdom.

You might ask, "What could you have done differently to avoid this problem?" This question helps children look at an offense a little differently. Instead of evaluating it, based on right or wrong, now the behaviour is judged based on its foresight and wisdom.

Strategy for the week:

Of course the solution for foolishness is to help children learn wisdom. You want to help them anticipate the consequences of their actions. Tell stories of people in the Bible who would not foresee the consequences of their actions such as Adam, David, Samson, King Saul or Moses. Use the Action Bible stories which are beautifully illustrated to demonstrate consequences of irresponsible behaviour. Don't forget to pray with your children because God says in James 1:5, "If you lack wisdom, ask God."

We pray that you enjoy this break and have quality time that is relaxing with your children.

Scripture of the week:

"Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy - meditate on these things."

Philippians 4:8

We want to be practical with our children. That means that we give specific instructions about what we want them to do, not just what they shouldn't do. One way to be practical as we ehlp children develop biblical character traits is to use working definitios. You can use these a lot to help your children understand a godly life better.

Here are some examples but you can be creative and think of many more.

OBEDIENCE is doing what someone says, right away, without being reminded again.

HONOUR is treating people as special, doing more than what is expected and having a good attitude while we do it.

PERSEVERANCE is hanging in there, not giving up, even after you feel like quitting.

ATTENTIVENESS is showing people you love them by looking at them when they speak to you.

PATIENCE is waiting with a happy heart.

SELF-DISCIPLINE is putting off present rewards for future benefits.

GRATEFULNESS is being thankful for the things I have instead of grumbling about the things I don't have.

You don't have to use them all. Just choose the one that your child needs right now and teach how to put that character quality into practice. You may have your own practical difinition you use with your child to help build biblical character.

Strategy for the week:

Put these working definitions up around the house where your children can see them. When your child doesn't show some of these attributes, you can read the chart together. This is a very positive way to give children a vision for what you want.

Scripture of the Week:

"So get rid of your feelings of hatred (anger). Don't just pretend to be good! Be done with dishonesty."

1 Peter 2:1

One of the helpful steps in equipping children to control their anger is to recognise four causes of anger. After children have settled down and you debrief with them about their anger, talk about what's causing it. You and your child may see patterns and then be able to head off the problem earlier next time.

1. BLOCKED GOALS: This happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the kitchen and find that your child has left his lego blocks all over the floor. Or, your son may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it. these are blocked goals.

2. VIOLATED RIGHTS: That's when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favourite CD. Those are violated rights.

3. UNMET EXPECTATIONS: You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or, your wife thought she would be going to the Mariott for dinner with you, but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.

4. EXPERIENCING UNFAIRNESS: When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, you child may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.

Strategy for the week:

Whatever the situation, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause. Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, re-adjusting goals or expectations and handling unfairness in a godly way. By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.

Scripture of the Week:

"A refusal to correct is a refusal to love; love your children by disciplining them."

Proverbs 13:24

"What do I do when my children play up in the shopping centre?"

We all have stories from our own families and we've observed other children throw tantrums, run away, whine, complain or disobey in the store, usually when they are not getting what they want.

At least part of the answer is that you don't practise your discipline strategies in the grocery store as you do at home because your parenting skills are in full public view.

That's the final exam!

You practise in the kitchen, bedroom, laundry and backyard when you are at home. Children need to learn how to handle disappointment at home first so they can accept a "no" answer in the chick out line.

Our children need to learn to come when they're called so that they'll respond in public. Children who haven't learned how to accept correction at home without a bad attitude will miserably fail the test when they have an audience at the shopping centre.

It may be helpful to look for ways to resproduce the grocery store situations at home, at the park and in other places so that children can learn positive routines to use in public.

Talk about how to act at the bank, the library and the store. Teach your children the "No Touch Rule" and the "Don't be Wild Rule" and practise them often. In the classroom, teachers give these instructions all the time.

It won't be long before you will be able to take your young children into the Coles store with all those dangerously beautiful things waiting to be touched. If you've practised at home, then your children will do fine and people will say, "Oh, what nicely behaved children you have." Of course those people don't realise how much work you've done to help your children develop the character to handle these temptations.

Strategy for the week:

Going shopping will become easier as you teach your children at home. That doesn't mean you won't ever have a problem. In those times you haave to do as best as you can, get what you need and get out of there, but the difficult times will be far fewer then the successful ones when you take time to practise at home.

For a good laugh go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOubfaxwR4A

Scripture of the week:

"Intelligent children listen to their parents; foolish children do their own thing."

Proverbs 13:1

Be careful when your children bait you and try to draw you into an argument. If you are easily drawn into an altercation with your child, it may be an indication that you need to do some work on your own anger.

It is amazing that most children have the ability to find those buttons that will get us upset and some parents take the bait.

A child may say, "You never let me have a snack," and the parent all of a sudden is ready to fight.

Or the child says, "Dad wouldn't do it this way," or "I don't want to go to school," and Mum may take this attack personally.

Children know what it is that gets us going, how to play our emotions. If you find those "opportunities to argue" irresistible or you might even enjoy a good argument, then you need to step back and deal with your own anger.

Children who engage in manipluations like that definitely need to be disciplined but they don't need your anger. There is a big difference. Your anger points out a problem. That's what anger is good for. It tells you something is wrong. But anger isn't good for solving your child's problems.

Strategy for the week:

When you are tempted to get drawn into an argument, step back and evaluate the situation. Maybe it is time to change the buttons. Often, your children need limits placed on the way they are relating to you, the way they honour you. Be careful to respond to your children with appropriate discipline instead of reacting in a way that joins into their "childish" arguments.

Scripture of the Week:

"Keep a firm grasp on both, your character and your teaching. Cultivate these things. Immerse yourself in them. You will be transformed.

1 Timothy 4:15

Focusing on character is one of the ways to touch a child's heart and bring about lasting change. Have you ever thought that your child's terrible stubbornness in a conflict situation may have to do with your child's positive character trait of being determined and focussed?

All children have good character qualities that, when taken to the extreme, have a negative side. One child may be quite organised, but if not careful, may become inflexible in a less structured situation. It's like the saying, "your strength can be your greatest weakness".

Your child may, for example, show a genuine sensitivity to others' needs. Your child may be very compassionate and care for others and often feel things deeply. This is a great character quality we as parents want to foster in our children. On the other hand, sometimes this sensitivity can cause your child to become moody or overly emotional, pouting or crying over the least little problem. So the positivie quality is sensitivity but it can have a negative side of being moody or being prone to emotional outbursts.

Your child may have the ability to work hard at a task without being distracted, focussing intensely, with real determination to succeed. This quality of being persistent and determined can be a real asset, but in a conflict situation, it would show itself as stubbornness and sometimes being disrespectful, insisting on their way of doing things, not yours.

Strategy for the Week:

As you look at your children's weaknesses, look for a positive character quality they may be misusing. Look for ways to balance it with other character qualities they have. Give praise for the positive quality and encourage practical ways to bring balance. Envision a positive future for your child based on those qualities. Encourage small steps of adjustment to bring them in line. Remember "keep a firm grasp on both, your character and your teaching."

Scripture of the Week:

"By their fruit you shall know them."

Matthew 7:18-20

Jesus says that we will recognise good people by thier fruit. He likens them to trees: bad trees cannot bear good fruit, but good trees do. Self-control is one of the fruits we should see develop in us and our children.

Pre-school years are an excellent time to build some character qualities tghat will last a lifetime. Self-control is probably one of the most difficult qualities to teach and should be continuously taught from a very early age. Teaching children self-control after the age of three or four will affect a child's character and behaviour for life, often with devastating effects. Even adults will resist a diet, staying on a budget or an exercise program. If we can teach children self-control when they are very young, they'll begin to develop significant tools for when they get older. Different character qualities can be emphasised at different developmental stages. A newborn, for example, learns about love, trust and a positive view of the world becajuse of the loving care given by parents. As children grow and develop, new character qualifities are added to the picture. Primary children are at a strategic age to learn so much about life. Creativity, compassion, patience, confidence, and co-operation are just a few of the many new qualities that begin to develop during these years.

Talk about self-control with your young child. They may not understand the term yet, but they'll grow into it. We can teach self-control through a number of family rules. When we go into a store, we have the "No Touch Rule". When in a library or bank, we may use the "Don't Be Wild Rule".

Young children learn self-control by coming when called, instead of running away. They also learn about bedtime rules and how to hold a parent's hand in astore or out in public when crossing a road. Children naturally resist these attempts to help them learn to give up their agenda, but that is what self-control is all about.

Strategy for the Week:

When you first teach rules like these, start by making them fun. Teach the rules like a game, then put them into practice in life and enforce the new rules with repetition and practice.

Scripture of the Week:

"In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."

Ephesians 4:26

Sometimes a child's stubbornness or defiance is obvious. In those moments, stop dealing with the issue at hand and talk about the process of how you are relating.

You may respond with: "I can tell you're upset and it's not good for us to continue until you settle down. You need to take a break and come back when you're read to continue talking about this."

Have the child sit in the hall or on the top step or some other boring place, not their bedroom, because they will find something to distract them from settling down. After the child has settled down, he or she needs to come back to you and talk about the problem calmly. If your child comes back without having a heart change, then send your child back again. It is important that you don't get emotional yourself about this.

Simply say something like, "Have you settled down yet?" or "Are you ready to talk calmly now?"

It may take your child a while to settle down. Keep affirming your child by saying; "I can tell you're not ready yet. The way you're standing and the expression on your face all tell me that you still have a problem in your heart. I want you to go back until you're ready to come out with a changed heart. I will be here waiting for you when you are ready."

When your child has settled down say, "It looks like you are ready to talk about this", and continue to talk about theproblem. Explain the appropriate behaviour, the importance of respectfulness and obedience. Talk about the correct responses and behaviours if he or she was angry.

Strategy of the Week:

By enforcing a break, you can help your child change their heart. Don't allow conflict to escalate into a battle. Stop the intensity with a break. It will not only help you stay calm but it will help your children develop some maturity about dealing with conflict.

Scripture of the Week:

"Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart."

1 Samuel 16:7

As parents, we talk a lot about helping children "change their hearts". What does that mean anyway and what can we expect realistacally from our children in any given disciplinary situation?

When a child has done the wrong thing, it is often helpful to make sure he or she has some "alone time" with instructions like, "You need to take a break. Come back and we'll talk about this after you change your heart."

This way you are encouraging your child to reflect on their misbehaviojur. Children may not understand how the "change of hear" happens but with practice they can learn to change.

A change of heart in children involves six steps: (incidentally, these are also the stops for repentance)

1. Stop fighting, calm down and be willing to talk about the problem (time out).

2. Acknowledge having done something wrong.

3. Be willing to change.

4. Commit to doing right.

5. Feel sorrow for doing wrong.

6. Have a desire to do what's right.

Sometimes children may only settle down in the "time out" until they are ready to proceed to the other steps with the parent or teacher. Other times, children may be able to work through the first four steps and then just report back to the parent. The only pre-requisite for coming back from a "time out" should be that a child is willing to work on changing their heart. Your child may be ready to change without knowing what the right thing is to do next time. Remember, we're looking for heart level changes. Once your child has had a change of heart, then you can help your child learn what was wrong and what he or she can do differently next time.

Teaching children to change their hearts is a valuable lesson that they will benefit from for the rest of their lives. What are some ways you've been able to help your child understand heart change?

Strategy for the Week:

Use the six steps next time you want to achieve a "heart change" in your child. Remember, time out is the first step for your child to calm down and reflect on their misbehaviour.

Scripture of the week:

"Do not grieve the Holy Spirit."

Ephesians 4:30

The goal of discipline is to help our children change their hearts as well as their behaviour. When misbehaviour requires discipline, one of the ways to touch a child's heart is to repond with sorrow instead of anger. Sorrow expresses a disappointment in the relationship, whereas anger can be a type of revenge to get back at someone for an offense committed.

Anger builds walls between people but sadness or sorrow, on the other hand, opens doors in relationships. It touches the heart of a person. When a child sees disappointment in a parent's eyes, it is often a powerful motivation for the child to want to change. All children want their parents to be proud of them, not disappointed.

"But I'm not sad, I'm mad!" you may be saying. Try to look past your anger. You are sad because of what this negative pattern will do to your child if not addressed. You can see future consequences and know where this course of action is heading. Sadness is there. It's just covered up by your anger.

The same thing can be true in family life. Let your child see your disappointment and why it hurts you. that alone is a powerful motivation for children to change their hearts. "I'm really sad that you're acting so selfishly", or "I am so disappointed and upset right now, we need to talk about this another time".

Strategy for the week:

Be careful you don't lay a guilt trip on your children by pretending you are sad. Sincere sorrow touches the heart so don't be afraid to show it. Your genuine concern for your children will go a long way to foster closeness with them.

Scripture of the week:

"My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

James 1:19

Helping children deal with anger is an important task of parenting. Some parents report that there is no time between the trigger and the response in their children. Before we can teach children anger management, we must first help them see anger coming on. James 1:19 says that we should be "slow to anger".

Here are some ways to help children slow down the process of "becoming angry".

Talk about the physical indicators when anger is approaching. these cues are different for each person. You may even use yourself as an example.

How can you tell when you are starting to get angry?

Maybe it's furrowed eyebrows, tightened facial muscles, rapid breathing, raised shoulders, hollow feeling in the chest, clenched teeth, tightened fists, pursed lips, wide eyes or a change in tone or pitch of your voice.

Identifying these early warning signs of anger can help children feel it coming on before they react.

Point out these early warning signs in others. Virtually all children's animated videos contain exaggerated facial features to depict emotion. Watch a DVD, like Shrek or Iceage and point out the times when someone gets angry.

How could you tell?

This exercise is helpful for identifying one's own cues but also helps children see anger coming on in others.

If you teach children how to respond to the anger of others, they can learn to be peacemakers instead of troublemakers.

Strategy of the week:

Take action earlier. Once you see the cues, stop the escalation before it starts. "Jonothan, it looks like you're getting upset. Come over here and settle down before things get out of hand."

Earlier intervention will eventually help your children make those same choices for themselves and teach them how to manage anger in healthy ways.

Scripture of the Week:

"For every house is built by someone but God is the builder of everything."

Hebrews 3:4

One postivie way to challenge sibling conflict problems in a household is to play games with your children. Games are miniature scenarios about real life. Whether you're playing a board game, a card game, or some kind of communication or role playing game, children have to use relational skills and, as a bonus, you spend quality time with your children.

Playing games can teach children how to win, how to lose, how to show mercy, and how to talk humbly. as you play games with your children, make sure you model especially the concept of honour. Have fun and enjoy the game but avoid put downs, bragging, boasting, hurtful revenge, and meanness. That seems to be hard even for some paren ts these days.

Teach children how to win without being hurtful, how to lose without complaining, how to make a good move with humility, and show honoure whether you're winning or losing. Children need to see these things modelled in games so they can learn how to handle similar situations in life. Choose yhour comments wisely as you correct or confront others who may not handle themselves well. You may let some things go, but your comments are important and children learn from the things you say.

Strategy for the week:

You may see selfishness and bad attitudes demonstrate themselves while you play games. Look for loving ways to correct while still enjoying the game. Play games regularly and continue to look for ways to communicate honour and challenge dishonouring behaviour and words. You'll be surprised at how much you can teach without your children even realising they are in a classroom.

Scripture of the week:

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry."

James 1:19

A very important skill that children will need is the ability to listen. Listening isn't easy and it is a skill that must be explicitly taught and modelled by parents from birth.

Are you a good listener yourself?

Do you actually stop what you are doing and intently listen to your children when they want to tell you about their day?

If not, remember your children will copy your listening and communication skills from the moment they are born. Most children would rather talk than listen because they have the natural tendency to be heard. Children will interrupt, yell, and talk over each other, often resulting in misunderstandings and arguments.

Teaching children how to listen can be a way to help them become less selfish. As parents, it is our ultimate goal for our children to become compassionate and dedicated followers of Christ, who have the ability to reflect "selfless" love for others. This needs to be taught over many years.

Here is one suggestion of how to teach young children to listen. You can use this technique whenever your children are in conflict over a toy or something they need to share. You sit them down with the toy, ice cream (or whatever they are fighting over) on the table and say, "you can play with this, eat this or have this as soon as you both agree on a plan". You encourage them each to share an idea and listen to the other's idea. You may teach tjem about compromise, working together, and sharing, but you must let them work it out. Sometimes children will be stubborn and insist on you working it out for them. Have them stay there until they can agree on a plan. You can coach them along when they need it. They must always report back to you before continuing to play, providing an opportunity for you to affirm unselfishness and co-operation. If they cannot come to an agreement, remove the toy, ice cream etc completely until a plan is made.

Conflict resolution is also strongly modelled by the way you and your spouse interact in front of the children. You will be amazed how much children pick up by simply watching you.

It can be fun to teach a five year old how to persuade a two year old, or help two eight year olds negotiate a solution. Conflict is turned into co-operation through listening.

Strategy for the week:

As a parent, you have many opportunities to teach the valuable skill of listening. There is a great sayhing that goes like this:

"Do you know why God made lips for your mouth but not for your ears?" or "Why do you think God gave you one mouth and two ears?"

Answer: "It's because God wants you to listen twice as much as you can talk."

Scripture of the Week:

Proverbs 19:16 says, "He who obeys instructions guards his life."

Last week we talked about b eing firm with your children, without being harsh or angry. This week we are having a look at how we should give instructions to our children.

The word "instruction" comes from the words "in" and "structure" and basically means, "to put structure into". When someone comes on the scene and gives instructions, that person brings strucfdture and order to the situation and helps people know what to do. Parents see the need to clean up around the house or get ready to go out and begin giving instructions to move the family in a positive direction. The parent adds the structure needed at the moment to make family life work effectivedly and safely.

Unfortunately, when a relationship between parent and child is already "on tender hooks", children may ract with resistance. At the point parents often becomde more intense in their instruction or just give up. What was meant to be a move towards order and structure has now turned the relationships into chaos.

As parents, we need to remember that we are not just giving instructions to make our lieves easier. We are bringing the much needed structure into the situration. The way we give instructions affects the strength of our relationships with others, but we will not let resistance keep us from our job. Without instructgion, family life will fall apart. "But they don't appreciate me," is an excuse parents sometimes tell tthemselves that motivates them to want to give up. Another thought some parents might have, "My children don't love me because I am always correcting them!" The fact is, that whether they appreciate you or not, they need you and the biblical values you instill through your instructions! So, continue to work on your own attitude and frustration level, but hang in there and keep giving the much needed structure to your family.

Strategy for the week:

Do not let your children's resistance to instruction stop you from bringing continued structure and order to your family. when you get frustrated, remember, you are not alone. God is a God of order and instruction. Like you, He has eternity in mind.

Scripture of the Week:

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger"
Proverbs 15:1

It is the beginning of a new school year and already we have spoken to some parents who have responded with, "My children won't obey me unless I get angry." Sounds familiar? Well, here are some tips of how you can change this and make a fresh start to the year.

If you have formed the "get angry" first habit, you've unfortunately taught your children to wait until you're angry before they have to obey. It is important that you change this habit to give your children new cues to know when you mean business. Those cues tell your child that it's time to respond and "do what they are told", because your action point is coming next. there is a definite connection between action point and anger. Many parents use the en gergy from anger to finally take action. When parents learn to tighten up their action point, then they don't have to use anger as the motivator. In fact, anger can often be a flag that your action point isn't tight enough.

So, if you find that you've been relying on anger to motivate your children, then it's time to make the change. First though, you need to develop a new plan. What signals do you want to use to indicate that it's time to clean up, or it's time to go? Maybe you'll use the child's name and obtain eye contact and use the word "now" in the instruction.

When you're ready to make this change, talk with your children. Explain that you have been wrong in teaching them to wait until you get angry before they start obeying. From now on you are going to tell them, once, then comes the action. If your child doesn't respond to the new cues then move right to a consequence.

You may use a warning at first as your children are learing to respond to new cues. This helps them see that you mean business, but don't add several warnings or you defeat the purpose. Develop a routine with your children so that they know when discussion or delays are over and obedience is required.

Strategy for the week:

We don't encourage parents to always demand obedience. Children also learn from negotiation, compromise, and co-operation, but there is a time for children to respond whether they like it or not. Your children need to know when that is and clarifying your action point will help them learn it.

Scripture of the week:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."
Proverbs 3:5

Parents who only focus on behaviour change are devastated when their children reveal unresolved issues of the heart, as they grow older. The child who steals the family car, the unmarried girl who gets pregnant, or the teenage boyh who starts using drugs have one thing in common: a heart problem that's developed over a long period of time.

the heart consists of thoughts, intentions, motivations, desires and fantasies. Children play out foolishness in their heart first, long before it comes out in their actions. Many parents discipline with a two-step process. First, they see wrong beha viour and second, they use a number of techneques to tget toeir child to do what is right. Behaviour is changed, but the heart hasn't been addressed. A better discipline process requires two more important seps, making four altogether.

First, identify the wrong behaviour. For example, your daughter begins to complain when you ask her to hnelp with the dishes. Second, identify the dishonouring heart issue. Maybe she has a probvlem with anger or doesn't handle instructions well. Third, identify the honouring heart issue needed. She could develop flexibility, giving a few minutes to be helpful. Then, fourt, the right behaviour grows out of the honouring heart issue. She could help with the dishes without complaining, or respectfully discuss an alternative. With these four steps, instead of two, you can address what's going on below the surface and a more complete discipline that teaches children about their hearts.

Strategy for the Week:

Giving a consequence isn't the end of the parent's responsibility. Sometimes a consequence just gets the child's attention, allowing the parent then to address deeper heart-related issues. Talk about the underlying motivations and the deeper issues. Helping children change their hearts is harder, but that's where the lasting change takes place.

Scripture of the week:

"In your relationships with one another, hgave the same midset as Christ Jesus."
Philippians 2:5

Have you ever had a big argument with your child and you go really upset?

When children are unhappy they often look for ways to draw their parents into an argument and they know just where your buttons are and how to push them to make you angry. "Dad wouldn't do it that way" or "You never let me have fun", might be all that's needed to create the volcano effect. When children get angry and are looking for a fight, it is as if they step into the boxing ring and invite you to join the m. This can b e especially acute in families where parents have separated and in blen ded families where children now have step parents.

All too often parents, believing that they are stronger, smarter, and more powerful, are willing to put on the gloves and enter the ring to "teach their child a lesson" or "Put him in his place". The key indicator that says you want to accdept the invitation to fight is your harshness. The intensity increases as each party is determined to win the battle. Unfortunately, setting ourselves up a sopponen ts does more damage to the relationship than we expect.

So how can you, as a parent, defuse this tense situatiopn?

Instead of getting into the ring with your children, imagine going around the ring to the child's corner and becoming a coach. You might say, "I'm not going to discuss this with you while you're upset. First, you need to settle down and then we'll talk about the problem". Or, "the way you're talking to me sounds like you're trying to provoke me into an argument. I'm not going to fight with you".

This will also buy you some time to decide what your next step will be because, let's face it, we just cannot make wise decisions when we are angry and frustrated.

In a biblical sense this means you need to refuse to become a sparring partner and instead look for ways to improve the relationship with your child. This doesn't mean that your child will instantly become responsive, but it does mean that you choose a different posture, one that offers healing instead of antagonism, and closeness instead of distance.

Strategy for the week:

Don't allow yourself to get into a tense argument with your child. Coaching children out of the boxing ring means that we stop0 dealing with the issue at hand and instead discuss the way we're relating to each other. Moving our focus from the issue to the process has a dramatic effect on the relationship when things begin to get tense.

Scripture of the week:

'Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pelases the Lord."
Colossians 3:20

Some parents believe that the only way to be firm is be harsh. Firmness says that a boundary is secure and won't be crossed without a consequence. Harshness uses angry words and incresed volume to make children belie ve that parents mean what they say. Some parents have assumed that firmness and harshness must go together.

How do you make the change?

Two things will help you remove harshness from your interaction with your children:

Dialogue less and show less emotion. In an attempt to build relationship, some parents spend too much time dialoguing about the instructions they have just given. They try to defend their words, persuade their children to do what they're told, or logically explain the value of obeying This is often counterproductive. Parents then resort to anger to end the discussion, complicating matters further.

"I thought talking and showing emotion are signs of a healthy family, leading to closeness in family life", you might say. This is true when they are used in the right way. Unforunately, when added to the instructgion process, these two ingredients confuse children and don't give them the clear boundaries they need. These are two good things, just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Firmness requires action, not anger. Having a toolbox of consequences is important to help move children along in life. It's not optional. some parents use anger as their consequence. These parents need more tools that will help their children make lasting changes.

Strategy for the Week:

If you find yourself being harsh, take time to re-evaluate your response. More action, less yelling can go a long way to bring about significant change.

Scripture of the week:

"Have them bring every difficult case to you; the simple cases they can decide themselves. That will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you." Exodus 18:22

When Moses' life as a leader became consumed with making all the decisions for everyone, he began to train people to make simple decisions for themselves.

As parents, we need to do the same and train our children to make good decisions for themselves.

Do you make all the decisions for your children?

How do your children handle problems and decisions that they have to make for themselves?

Some children are very insecure, complain and have bad attitudes when faced with a problem. However, problems and decisions make great opportunities to teach children how to face life's challenges.

Families make decisions and solve problems on a daily basis. Parents must make some decisions and in those cases children need to learn to follow. At other times, parents can involve children and teach them to make wise choices for themselves.

Developing good decision-making skills gives children the ability to define a problem, imagine consequences of various alternatives and then choose the best solution among the options. Allowing children to solve some problems for themselves communicates honour to them.

It says, "I believe in you. You have what it takes. I know you are responsible enough to make good decisions for yourself."

Sometimes, parents want to solve problems for their children to help them avoid frustration. Be careful that you don't rob your children of important learning experiences.

Frustration can be a great teacher and can motivate children to think carefully about their actions. You then can be the counsellor or coach as life teaches a valuable lesson.

Much of the day-to-day problem solving and decision-making in family life can demonstrate cooperation and teamwork as parents and children work together. Cooperative decision-making teaches children valuable skills of negotiation, compromise, communication, and creating alternatives and skills which are very useful in life. Mutual honour is demonstrated in the midst of cooperation.

Strategy for the week:

Don't be too quick to solve a problem or make a decision for your children. Involve children in the process of problem solving, not just in the final product. Ask questions such as; "What do you think you should do now?" or "Tell me how you are going to make a decision about this."

With the Christmas season approaching fast, we hope that you will have a wonderful Christmas break and a relaxing, quality time with your family.

Scripture of the week:

"Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching." Proverbs 1:8

Last week, we talked about giving children clear warnings to establish what exactly our expectations as parents are. This time, we will look at the way we should give our children clear instructions about our expectations.

We have all found ourselves in situations where adults are supervising children. Some adults have the ability to command attention (remember some of those teachers you had when you were younger) and get children to listen better than others.

All they use is what we call a firm instruction, a very important part of the discipline process. It is quite useful whether you're working with your own children or someone else's.

Good discipline doesn't just mean finding appropriate consequences. In fact, developing the skill of giving instructions can prevent many of the discipline problems we experience.

Here is what makes a firm instruction work best.

To give a firm instruction you must first get your child's attention. This may involve things like moving close to the child, obtaining eye contact or requesting the child remove the earphones. Next give a brief, firm, verbal instruction. You don't have to be harsh or irritated, just calm and matter-of-fact, communicating one-on-one with the child.

After giving the instruction, teach your children how to acknowledge your request. This will help you know that the message was received.

A good response is to say, "Okay mum" or "Yes dad." This type of response tells you three things. It tells you that the child has heard the instruction, avoiding the common excuse later, "I didn't hear you say that." Secondly, the child's acknowledgment tells you that the child intends to follow through, and lastly, the way the child responds to you indicates the child's attitude at the time.

Is this an angry or disrespectful "Okayyyy Dadddd!" response?

If so, now you know you're dealing with an attitude problem, not just working on following directions. It is a difficult thing for a parent to not get emotionally upset, especially if children try to manipulate emotions in a tense situation. Try to remain as calm as you can, but if you can't, don't explode and react in anger and frustration. Respond with something like: "I am so upset and disappointed right now, we will continue this conversation later. Please stay in your room until then."

Strategy for the week:

The firm instruction is one step in a complete discipline process, yet it's often overlooked. Take time to evaluate your instructions and you'll be surprised at how small changes can make a big difference.

Scripture of the week:

"Simply let your 'Yes' be 'Yes,' and your 'No,' 'No'; anything beyond this comes from the evil one." Matthew 5:36-38

Instead of a process like this: instruction, warning, follow through, some parents have a process that looks like this: instruction, warning, warning, warning, warning, explosion with anger.

One of the tools of discipline is a clear warning. It can actually be a teaching tool because it helps children know how to anticipate consequences of their actions. Furthermore, a clear warning clarifies for your children that what you have said wasn't just a suggestion, but that you meant business.

When you give a warning, it is important to obtain eye contact, speak calmly but firmly, and clarify both the instruction and the consequence that will come if the child doesn't respond.

A clear warning says: "If you don't finish your homework you won't be able to watch TV after dinner." Or, "If you can't play nicely with your friend, he will have to go home."

A warning is different than a threat. Threats are emotional responses usually spoken out of anger or desperation with an exaggerated or ambiguous consequence, rarely leading to a consequence. "If you don't clean up these toys right now, I'm going to throw them all away!" Or, "If you don't come with me now, I'm going to leave you here!" These are threats, not warnings.

Warnings aren't always necessary. If a child hits another and you've already established a rule for such things, then it's understood that this is wrong and you can move directly to the consequence. If you do use a warning, just give it once.

Make sure that you do what you said you would do. Children learn very quickly to continue to push boundaries, if a parent
constantly doesn't follow through with consequences for breaking the rules.

Strategy for the week:

Make a clear warning part of your discipline strategy and you will teach children important lessons about life and help them predict their own consequences for their decisions.

Scripture of the week:

"Come my children, listen to me. I will teach you the fear of the Lord." Psalm 34:11

Has it happened to you that you have asked your child to do something and you had to ask over and over without a response?

Some parents say, "I can usually get my children to do what I say, eventually." Parents sometimes think that obedience is the same as compliance.

When you say to your son, "Please leave the computer and help me bring the groceries in from the car," and he says, "As soon as I get to the next level," that's not obedience.

As parents, we don't believe that a child must instantly obey every time. We want to consider our child's agenda and needs as we direct the course of family events. However, some children never want to adjust their schedules to the needs of their parents. They always have to have it their way, in their time, and on their terms.

Parents who allow poor responsiveness may believe that they love their children, when in fact they are encouraging selfishness.

Cooperation is a two-way street. As a parent, we know how to cooperate and sacrifice for our child. Can your child do the same? The child who can't give up his or her agenda is selfish and hasn't yet learned what real cooperation is all about.

'Demandingness' always requires me first. The child who is demanding about reaching the next level in a computer game before obeying Mum or Dad, may not be ready for such games. Cooperation means that sometimes we drop what we're doing to help someone else.

Strategy for the week:

If your child has a problem in this area, you might want to focus more on obedience. It's amazing how many benefits are hidden within obedience that will help your children develop the character necessary both now, and in the future.

Scripture of the week:

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Previously, we wrote about strong-willed children who often develop into strong leaders later in life. This week we are looking a little closer at the opposite, the unmotivated child; how to recognise and parent these.

Unmotivated children are generally passive, co-operative, flexible, easy going and accommodating. These children may be easier to get along with because they lack the drive of strong-willed children, but parents also struggle with these children, at times.

They may not have the fortitude to stand up for themselves, withstand temptation or push hard to complete a task. They are sometimes people-pleasers and may be easily directed in positive or negative ways, depending on whom they are with.

Even unmotivated children wrestle with issues and questions in their hearts, although you may not see it as clearly as in the strong-willed child.

Some children process things more internally and aren't as transparent. These children appear compliant, allowing others to make decisions or take the lead, but their anger may be growing inside.

Sometimes parents overlook the unmotivated child because he or she isn't causing any trouble, generally gets along with people, and appears easygoing. It may be more difficult to know what is going on in this child's heart. Understanding this child requires some extra work and effort.

The Bible tell us of people who needed a little extra motivation to get moving in the right direction. God often came alongside people such as Moses, Elijah, and Jacob to motivate them to take initiative when they might not have done so otherwise.

Children who tend to give up easily need help to see the path before them more clearly so they can take the steps necessary for success.

Strategy for the week:

Take some time this week to discuss with your child where they can see themselves when they have grown up. Help them to create a vision and a pathway for their dreams and aspirations. Remember you are part of your child's future success.

Scripture of the week:

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." James 4:8

Rules and regulations won't work unless you have a strong relationship with your child. Parents must maintain a balance as they work with their children.

Firmness, confrontation, and correction in a child's life are tools that God uses to address heart issues. You won't get very
far, however, by simply telling your children the right thing to do. Remember that a child can only take as much pressure
as the relationship can withstand.

Those who apply force without a deep and meaningful relationship end up with angry and rebellious children. Jesus was a great example of leaving behind the agenda to care for people and connect with their hearts. He even rebuked Martha for her busyness and affirmed Mary for just sitting with him (Luke 10:38-42).

Many a tired parent asks, "Why do I want closeness with my child anyway?" Distance from children can even seem welcome sometimes. Some parents are frustrated with their role and eager for relief. It seems that the more closeness we develop with our rebellious child, the more pain we feel and we begin to resent closeness and relationship.

New values, decisions, and difficult choices require wisdom that your child doesn't have yet. Young people need insight and guidance that only parents can give them. Emotionally connecting with your children isn't just so you can all feel good.

Connecting with your son or daughter emotionally softens their hearts and prepares the way for much of the hard work of parenting, making it more effective and even enjoyable.

Strategy for the week:

Don't stop drawing close to your children! Teenagers may reject closeness sometimes, but the time of adolescence is when they need the relationship with parents the most. So don't give up.

Scripture of the week:

"And the child (Jesus) grew in wisdom and stature, and in favour with God and men".
Luke 2:52

A strong will can be an asset as long as the heart is in the right place. Have you developed some tools to teach boundaries to a strong-willed child in your family while still enjoying the child's determination?

Children who make decisions with intensity tend to be labelled "strong-willed." At the end of the day, their parents feel as if they've been engaged in hand-to-hand combat and that the child often wins at the parent's expense! Most parents consider a strong will a negative personality trait because it often creates resistance and frustration in family life. Yet, in reality, strong-willed children are often better equipped to succeed, face adversity and are creative.

Even Jesus went missing for three days when he was just twelve years old, going against his parents' wishes because he had made up his mind to " be in his father's house", speaking with the Jewish teachers.

It may help you as a parent to remember that children with strong wills have the potential to become the next generation of leaders. They have their own ideas and plans. They know what they want. They are persistent, confident, passionate, and determined to succeed at whatever they choose to do.

Leaders have an agenda, look for ways to incorporate others into their plans, and have a high need for control in life.
Balanced with graciousness, leaders become a treasure because they make things happen, create organization out of
chaos, and motivate people to action.

Unfortunately, it is hard to raise a leader. These children tend to have their own ways of doing things and like to tellother people (including their parents) what to do and how to do it. Sound familiar?

A strong and persistent will keeps a child moving in a certain direction in spite of obstacles. Often these children need bigger barriers or tighter limits to teach them that those boundaries are firm.

Strategy for the week:

Don't be discouraged or frustrated by the effort it takes to teach your strong-willed child. The strong-willed child accomplishes things in life, because the roadblocks that might hold others back are no match for this child's determination. Your job is to help your child know to put God first in all things and to know the difference between obstacles to overcome and limits to live within.

Scripture of the week:

"Man looks at the outside, but God looks at the heart." 1 Samuel 16:7

Too often parents focus only on behaviour, getting the right actions down, but they don't address the heart.

Jesus criticized the Pharisees, saying that they looked good on the outside but their hearts were still not changed. He said, "First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean."

Focusing on behaviour change in your children is not enough. Many parents work hard to help their children look good on the outside. Inadvertently, these parents teach their children "image management" the ability to appear good, clean, and nice.

A change of heart is what children really need though. Here are some ideas of how to achieve this important goal.

1. Use sorrow instead of anger in the discipline process. Parents who misuse this technique often lay a guilt trip on their children. The key is to be genuine. If you, as a parent, look past your anger for a moment you will see that you truly are sad about what your child has done because you knowthe long-term consequences of such behaviour. Reflect it in a gentle way. It's amazing to see how children will respond.

2. Use the scriptures. The Bible has an amazing ability to pierce through to the thoughts and intentions of the heart. Don't use the Bible in a harsh way. Instead reveal what the Bible has to say about being kind or respectful or obedient. There is a lot of wisdom and conviction that comes through the scriptures.

3. Be sure to talk about the heart during times of correction. "I can see you are angry because I said no. I'd like you to take a break for a bit and settle your heart down and when you are ready, come back and we'll talk about it." It will take work and a child may need some long times to settle down at first, but a change of heart is worth it in the end. Resolve the tension by having a positive conclusion.

Scripture of the week:

"Even a child is known by his deeds, whether what he does is pure and right."

Proverbs 20:11

One of the parts of our honour definition is that we do more than what's expected. That means seeing what needs to be done and doing it. It means solving problems instead leaving them for others. Our family has a sign in the kitchen that
reads:

If it's broken, fix it.
If it's empty, fill it up.
If it's open, shut it.
If it's out, put it away.
If it's messy, clean it up.
If you can't, ask for help.

That's honour.

Take time to teach your children that they don't have to be asked in order to do a job. Honouring your parents and your
family means that we're all contributing to family life the best we can.

These kinds of discussions and exercises will help children think outside of their little box and discover that they have a responsibility to the family. They can contribute to family life by just seeing something that needs to be done and
then doing it.

Of course, that's what makes a valuable employee too so you can teach your children something more important than just how to get along better in your family. You may be preparing them to be outstanding employees, as they get older.

Strategy for the week:

Ask your child to go around the house and look for one job that needs to be done and do it, then report back to you. You may also wish to make a kitchen sign like my one and use it as a reference. It really works.

Scripture of the week:

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." Hebrews 12:11

Some parents say, "I can usually get my children to do what I say eventually." Parents sometimes think that obedience is the same as compliance. When you say to your son,"Please leave the computer and help me bring the groceries in from the car," and he says, "As soon as I get to the next level," that's not obedience.

As parents, we don't believe that a child must instantly obey every time. We want to consider our child's agenda and needs too as we direct the course of family events. However, some children never adjust their schedules to parent's. They always have to have it their way, in their time and on their terms. Parents who allow poor responsiveness may believe that they are loving their children when in fact they're encouraging selfishness. Cooperation is a two-way street. As a parent you know how to cooperate and sacrifice for your child. Can your child do the same?

The child who can't give up his or her agenda is selfish and hasn't yet learned what real cooperation is all about. The child who is demanding about reaching the next level in a computer game before obeying mum or dad, may not be ready for such games. Cooperation means that sometimes we drop what we're doing to help someone else.

Strategy for the week:

If your child has a problem in this area, you might want to focus more on obedience. It's amazing how many benefits are hidden within obedience that will help your children develop the character necessary both now and in the future.

Scripture of the week:

Colossians 3:22-24 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

Persevering in Communication with your Child:

How often have we had harsh words and arguments with our children and we just feel like giving up? Some parents lose their desire to communicate on a deeper level because their children reject their opinions, feelings, or initiative. For us parents, that hurts, however, it may take a while for your children to see you are trying to connect in significant ways. You may have to discipline a child for insensitivity or meanness, but continue to explain to your children what you are doing and why you are doing it. Children often resist
love when they need it the most.

To help you persevere in difficult relationships where you feel like you are not making progress, consider our scripture for this week from Colossians 3:22. "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving."

When you try to go deeper in a relationship, you may not experience many rewards at first. Keep going, knowing you're doing the right thing and pleasing the Lord. Look to Him for approval instead of to the relationship for rewards. That provides inner strength to continue on even after you feel like quitting.

Communication in any relationship takes work, including the relationship with our heavenly father. It's nice when someone will listen to you and allow you to pour out your thoughts, hopes and feelings. Listening is a servant's task requiring concentrated effort and creativity to get around the barriers and mine fields that can come up. Do the hard work in this area, though, and you will see positive results in your children.

Strategy for the week:

Even if your child rejects your values and opinions, keep persevering and don't give up. Remember that you are sowing important seeds with every word you speak.

Scripture of the week:

The Bible says in Philippians 2:3, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility, consider others better
than yourselves."

That's good advice for all of us.

Seeing and responding to emotions in others is a great way to start. Here is a helpful strategy you may want to try.

Overcoming Selfishness With Honour:

Some parents are frustrated because their children are so self-focused that they can't seem to grasp the concept of honouring others. How can you help children think about other people instead of always thinking about themselves?

One helpful way is to teach children to recognise emotions in others and then know how to respond accordingly.

One way to work on honour with children is to use a journal and, in the evening, ask your child to identify examples of a friend or family member who was sad, mad, or glad that day. Then ask the question, "How might you respond to that person in a helpful (unselfish) way?"

When this exercise is continued every evening for two weeks or so, it helps children get outside of themselves, looking at the needs and feelings of others, and then talk about ways to respond with honour. For example, if a sibling brother or sister is mad, it might be best to leave him/her alone or to just ask a helpful question. When a friend is sad, your child could offer to help and then listen empathetically. When Mum is glad, your child could enter into that gladness by listening to the story and enjoying the situation, too.

Strategy for the week:

If you would like to try this strategy, buy your child a journal or diary to write down who was sad, mad and glad. It is not only helpful in becoming less selfish but is also a great conversation tool during bedtime.

Scripture of the week:

A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

Prov. 29:11

The wise appeal can be helpful in family life. It teaches children an honouring way to appeal. When children have learned how to obey, we can give them the privilege of using a wise appeal. When a child doesn't like a request or instruction, they may use a wise appeal that goes something like this:

"I understand you want me to.....because....." or "I have a problem with that because....." ,"So could I please.....".

The first phrase helps the child identify with the concerns and needs of the parent. When parents feel understood they're more likely to listen to alternatives, negotiate, or compromise.

The second phrase helps the parent to understand the child's predicament and reason for discussion.

In the third phrase the child offers a creative solution that addresses both the concerns of the parents and the concerns of the child.

You may say to your seven-year-old son, "It's time to clean up your room now. We have to go and do chores now."

If he's just gotten involved in his train set, he might say, "I understand you want me to clean up because we have to go out, but I have a problem with that because I just set up my train track. Could I please leave my train out until we get home?"

Of course, a child in this situation needs to be able to accept "no" as an answer. A child who is unable to accept "no" without tears or an argument isn't ready to use the wise appeal and loses the privilege of using it.

Some children may try to use the wise appeal in a manipulative way or may not be mature enough to handle it. A child may try to use the wise appeal to get out of doing a job altogether. This is unacceptable. The wise appeal results in a contract between parent and child. This contract requires trust and when a child proves responsible, then the child earns the privilege of more trust.

The wise appeal is illustrated in Scripture in the lives of Daniel, Esther, and Nehemiah who all had to go to an authority to present a difficult situation. Their success happened, in part, because of the way they made their requests.

By teaching the wise appeal, you teach children an adult skill they can use forever.

Strategy for the week:

You could introduce the 'wise appeal' after carefully studying the story of Esther, Daniel or Nehemiah with your child. Revise the concept of honouring the decisions of those in authority.

Scripture of the week:

"Children's children are a crown to the aged, and parents are the pride of their children."

Proverbs 17:6

In many homes, dinner time is the only time when the family actually gets together. This becomes more pronounced as children get older and schedules become more complicated.

It is unfortunate that many parents overemphasize manners or food choices or even use the table talk as a time to go over the offenses of the day or to further discipline children.

All of these things may be necessary or helpful at times but we need to be careful not to develop a negative pattern.

We say that 'more meals are ruined at the dinner table than at the stove'.

Children will learn valuable relationship skills like listening, asking questions, talking, and telling stories. Gentle reminders about listening, not interrupting, or letting someone else speak, can go a long way to teach children how to carry on conversations and enjoy others in the process.

Children learn from stories you tell. As you share incidents that made an impression on your day, children apply them to their own lives. Laughing and being silly can add to a positive sense of family life.

When appropriate, share how you have applied God's Word in practical situations by the way you think or act. This helps children see that spirituality is not just a technique, it's a lifestyle.

Some children make mealtimes a challenge. Hyperactivity or overly talkative youngsters can make civilized conversations difficult. Sibling conflict issues spill over into what might otherwise be pleasant conversations. Try to gently move things back on track. Redirect conversation and distract children by your enthusiasm and energy.

God promises us a special dinner at the end of this world. It's called the 'Marriage Supper of the Lamb'. It will be a feast to celebrate our relationship with Christ. You can be sure that the meal will be a special time of enjoying relationships.

Strategy for the week:

Use mealtimes for everyone to share about their day. Talk about things you've learned and ask children to talk about their experiences.

Scripture of the week:

As you consider this week's article, remember the words that God said to Samuel in 1 Samuel 16,

"Man looks at the outward appearance but the Lord looks on the heart."

Many of us use a simple behaviour modification approach with a reward attached to raise our children.

"If you get your homework done, then you can go out and play."

"If you clean your room, then you can watch a video."

Using this approach is usually effective and it saves time arguing with your children.

Unfortunately, children trained this way often develop the "What's in it for me?" mentality as they get older, still expecting a reward. "If I don't get something out of it, why should I obey?"

Somehow, we need to get our children to understand that God is concerned with more than behaviour. He's interested in the heart.

The heart contains motivations, emotions, convictions, and values. A heart-based approach to parenting looks much deeper. Parents still require children to finish their homework and clean up their rooms but the way they give the instructions is different. Instead of just getting things done, parents should look for long-term change in their children.

Sometimes children aren't ready to change on a heart level and parents must work to address the heart. That may mean more relationship to open the heart or it may involve more boundaries to show kids that the way they're living just isn't going to work.

A heart-based approach shares values and reasons behind rules. It requires more dialogue, helping children understand how their hearts are resistant and need to develop co-operation.

Strategy for the week:

Your heart-based approach should be firm but also relational. You, as the parent, need to look for ways to develop heart qualities in your children that then bring about significant change.

Scripture of the week:

"Even a child is known by his actions, by whether his conduct is pure and right."
Proverbs 20:11

The Stop Rule

The Stop Rule teaches children the value of their words.

When someone is relentlessly teasing, your child will know that his or her personal boundaries are being violated and want to seek help.

Teasing and playing around can be amusing, but usually one child wants to stop before the other.

Angry words and tears often bring an end to what started out as fun. Sounds familiar?

Incorporating a "Stop Rule" in your family will help children, and parents for that matter, know when to quit.

The "Stop Rule" is simply this:

When your child has had enough of a teasing or tickling game, that child just says, "Stop" and the other child must stop the game. Even you, as parents, need to stop when your child doesn't want to be teased anymore.

In fact, a good way to teach this rule is for a parent to tickle a child and stop immediately when the child says, "Stop."

The "Stop Rule" is a helpful rule for creating boundaries in relationships between siblings or playmates and it teaches children adult solutions for solving their childhood problems.

Strategy for the week:

Why don't you introduce the "Stop Rule" to your children?

To make this rule work, you as a parent need to be available to enforce the rule. When you hear one child say, "Stop," watch and see if you're needed to step in to enforce the rule.

Scripture of the week:

"Our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness."

Hebrews 12:10

One of the gifts parents can give their children is teaching and developing the character quality of self-discipline.

With young children, in particular, bedtime is a good place to start.

Children often don't want to go to bed and the continual battle night after night is draining, causing many parents to just give up and allow children to stay up later.

A bedtime for children is good for them as well as for their parents. Enforcing it though, means extra work for a while.

Here are some suggestions for working with young children to make bedtimes work more effectively.

1. Start the bedtime routine earlier so that it doesn't all get crammed into the last few minutes. If bedtime is 8:00pm, then start the routine at 7:30 by getting on pyjamas and completing the bathroom routine. Then enjoy some relaxed time with children, reading a book together, playing or just talking together.

2. At bedtime, tuck each child in individually. Use this time to continue to debrief about the day in preparation for a good night's sleep and pleasant dreams. Different families do different things to make it fun and meaningful.

3. Enforce quietness. This is very important. A child may not feel tired, so lying quietly is all that is required. You may have to sit in the doorway or just outside the door to make sure the child doesn't get up, turn the light on, or start playing.

4. If a child gets up or calls out. Quickly, calmly and firmly, get the child back in bed with as little dialogue as possible. Your child needs to realise that bedtime is not negotiable.

Strategy for the week:

Use bedtimes as opportunities to build relationships.

Make sure that building self-discipline takes priority.

Young children are happier and more pleasant to work with once they've learned self-discipline in their lives.

It's work but it's worth it in the end.

Scripture of the week:

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."

Hebrews 12:11

Some children have the ability to suck the energy right out of family life. These children are demanding of your time, need a lot of correction and seem to be magnets for conflict. They are often emotionally explosive but almost always drain the energy out of parents and other family members.

Unfortunately then, these children develop a negative view of themselves based on the high amount of negative feedback they receive over time. As parents we need to break this destructive cycle. But how?

One solution is to teach them to add energy back into family life. We use the term "honour" to describe the process of thinking of others above yourself.

If Jack seems to get people riled up each afternoon before dinner, set an appointment with him at 4:00 pm for several days in a row
and ask him to look for three things he can do to add to family life. He may decorate the dinner table, help preparing food, encourage his brother, or prepare something nice for Dad's arrival home.

If Jack continually antagonises his sister, tell him that he needs to think of three nice things to do for her before he can go on with family life. Don't tell him exactly what he needs to do.

If you decide what Jack needs to do and tell him to do it, that's obedience. When Jack chooses, that's honour.

Honour treats people as special and does more than what's expected. Children need to learn honour because it will make them more successful in life. Hidden within honour are the secret ingredients that make people more productive in relationships. Teaching honour is worth the work, because honour changes people.

Strategy for the week:

Children need to learn how to add energy to family life instead of taking it away. Give your child a challenge this week to break the cycle of draining others' energy. Challenging children in this way helps them to think differently.

Scripture of the week:

"Children, it is your Christian duty to obey your parents, for this is the right thing to do. Respect your father and mother is the first commandment that has a promise added: 'so that all may go well with you and you will live a long time in the land.' Parents do not treat your children in such a way as to make them angry. Instead, raise them with Christian discipline and instruction."

Ephesians 6:1-4

God knew what He was doing when He gave the instruction to children to "obey their parents." He knew that learning obedience when they're young would pay off greatly as they get older. Children need to learn to obey, but not just to make their parents' lives easier. We don't teach kids to obey merely for our own convenience. We teach obedience because hidden within that character quality are a number of principles that will help children to be successful, as they get older.

When children learn obedience, they learn to think about others. They learn to be a little less selfish. They learn to consider what other people want and how to please them. They learn to submit to authority. Obedience involves learning to do what you're asked even when you think you have a better way. The person who has learned obedience knows how to listen to an instruction, how to follow through without being watched and how to check back when the job is done. The children who learn obedience when they're
young will make better employees and better parents when they get older. Furthermore, they will be happier and enjoy life more.

We want our children to learn to evaluate instructions; but evaluating instructions is an advanced skill. First children must learn co-operation, otherwise they end up believing that every time they don't like a request, they are justified to resist it. These children remain selfish and grow up to be whiners and complainers, not able to receive an instruction without an argument.

Strategy for the week:

Why not take some time this week and read Ephesians 6:1-4 together with your child. Talk about why obedience is so important to God and to you as a parent. You may be surprised how easily children will understand.

Scripture of the week:

"Discipline your child and he will give you peace. He will bring delight to your soul."

Proverbs 29:17

What Cues Do You Give Your Children?

An Action Point is the point when you stop talking and start acting or the point when children know you mean business. How do they know? You give them cues and your children know what those cues are. If you are saying the same thing over and over again, how does your child know when the Action Point is near?

Think back on your own childhood. How did you know when your parents meant business? Maybe they used your middle name or started moving toward the kitchen where that special utensil was kept. They might have gotten out of the chair or started moving toward you or given you that look.

For many parents, angry words or a harsh tone of voice become the cue children look for. Unfortunately, this harshness creates distance in the relationship. Look for ways to tighten your Action Point without anger.

Harshness isn't necessary but firmness is. Firmness with children is an important part of the teaching process. Some parents associate firmness with an authoritarian style of parenting. And it certainly can be. We're not suggesting that you become a sergeant with your kids. Even a relational parenting style often requires a point in which that child knows that the discussion is over and it's time for action.

You might say, "Karyn, please turn off the TV now." The child's name and the word "now" can become the cues that your Action Point is coming. Or you might preface what you're going to say with the words, "Karyn, this is an instruction."

Strategy for the week:

Be careful of multiple warnings as they can weaken the instruction process. One warning may be helpful to make sure the child has understood the instruction but then the next step should be a firm follow through. If you tighten your Action Point you will get angry
less often and your children will respond more quickly.

Start by clarifying the cues.

Scripture for the week:

"Kind words bring life, but cruel words crush your spirit."

Proverbs 15:4

Understanding Attitudes and How to Change Them

"Attitude" is a shorthand term used to summarize many different feelings, thoughts, and behaviours all at the same time. Various triggers provoke attitudes and simply hearing a word or seeing a signal can change a person's perspective.

Attitudes actually have three components: behaviour, emotion, and beliefs. Each of these components can be useful in the change process. The behaviour is the flag that tells you that there is a problem. Emotion adds energy to the situation and helps to determine when is the best time to address the issue, and the beliefs tell you what needs to be addressed on a heart level.

Many parents only focus on the first component, behaviour, telling kids to "stop sulking," or "Don't roll your eyes at me." Furthermore, these parents tend to focus only on what not to do instead of what the child should do. It usually isn't helpful just to tell a child to "Stop having a bad attitude" without giving more guidance for developing a better response.

Remember that the goal of discipline is not just to make your children less annoying. As you correct your children for bad attitudes, you are preparing them for the future.

After all, they will experience similar situations continually throughout their lives. Look for ways to help your children think differently. Listening carefully to your child can help you identify thinking errors that lead to a bad attitude.

What hidden belief might Jeremy, age 10, have?

He complains and argues when you ask him to do the dishes?

Sounds familiar?

Maybe he believes, "Chores are an interruption to my life and are not my responsibility." If pressed, he may also reveal a belief, "All work is hard and unpleasant, and I must try to avoid it." A positive attitude about work comes from several new values such as "Work is necessary in order to bring benefits to me and to others" and "My contribution to family life is a statement of gratefulness for what
I have."

Changing attitudes requires exposure to new ways of thinking. You can provoke your children to more healthy attitudes through dialogue, modelling, and correction. But remember, heart change takes time.

Strategy for the week:

We can change behaviour quickly, but heart change goes deeper and lasts longer. Have you discovered ways to adjust attitudes in your children, or even in yourself? Share with your children what works for you.

Scripture for the week:

"A gentle answer quiets anger, but a harsh word stirs it up. When wise people speak, they make knowledge attractive, but unwise people spout nonsense." Proverbs 15:1 (Good News)

When Parents get Angry

Some parents view their anger as justified because they are right and others are wrong. They believe that being right is
the only ticket required to launch into an adult temper tantrum.

But saying "Someone made me angry" implies that external events require emotional intensity.

The dad who links the trigger (what 'made' him angry) and response (what he does with his anger) too closely, ends up believing that others have made him the way he is.

This is, of course, not true.

When parents do this, they often blame their kids for problems and rarely take responsibility for their own emotions.

In many cases, of course, the child is indeed wrong.

It isn't helpful, though, to expect our children to bear the responsibility of our anger in addition to what they did wrong.

The mum who says, "I wouldn't have to get angry if my kids would listen the first time," has fallen into the trap of blaming her children for her angry responses.

It also teaches children that this kind of response is normal and justified.

It's not enough to be right in life; parents also need to be wise.

Real wisdom knows how to respond in a way that brings change, not revenge.

As parents, we don't just want to punish our kids for doing something wrong; we want to help them change their hearts and habits.

Anger may reveal what's wrong, but it's rarely a good solution to a problem.

Strategy for the week:

Once you identify an offense, it's best to consider how to motivate change in your child. Rather than insisting on immediate results in your child's behaviour, try to enjoy the process of your child's journey to maturity.

Scripture of the Week:

Proverbs 29:17 "Discipline your son and he will give you peace. He will bring delight to your soul."

Parents give instructions many times a day.

The difference between a drill sergeant and a parent has to do with the special relationship they have with their child. The way you give an instruction helps a lot. In fact, a little forethought can head off resistance before it starts. In addition, we encourage parents to teach children to respond with, "Yes, Mum". or "Yes, Dad".

This answer reveals three things:

First, it shows that the child has heard what you have said. How many times have you gone back to check up on an assignment only to hear the child say, "But I didn't hear you?" Some parents even teach their children to repeat the instruction back by saying, "I will....." and then fill in the blank. This helps clarify the instruction for both parent and child.

The second benefit of an answer is that it teaches the child to communicate the intent to follow through. I like it when my son says "Okay, Dad", because it shows me that he is going to do what I asked.

The third benefit of a response is that you can hear what kind of attitude your child has. If it's one of those, "Okaaaaay, Mummm!" responses then you know your child has an attitude problem. The response reveals some important things about a child's heart. Silence can mean too many things. A child may comply, while harbouring anger, rebellion, resentment, or defiance.

Teaching children to answer after an instruction gives you a window into their hearts to see if they are responding well to the instruction. If not, a parent has the opportunity to help make some adjustments.

Strategy for the Week:

Take care with the way you give instructions. Get your child to respond with, "Yes, Mum", or "Yes, Dad", immediately after giving the instruction.

Honour means treating people As special, doing more than what's Expected, and having a good attitude.

As parents, we should Work hard to develop honour in family and school life and Continually look for new ways to teach it.

One helpful way To teach honour is to be generous as a family. Generosity Opens our hearts as well as the hearts of the people who receive from us. Giving doesn't just focus on money. In fact, Money is one of the easier things to give. A harder gift is That of time, attention, loyalty or commitment to others.

Giving can be exciting. Planning a random act of kindness, Delivering it, watching the person's response and Enjoying the personal satisfaction of giving, all add joy To family life.

Family units become stronger when a family Works together to be generous. They feel a sense of Teamwork and unity. They enjoy the satisfaction of giving And a good sense of family pride.

Giving is fun and Doing it in secret can make it even more exciting. Be on The lookout for honour opportunities for your family.

Strategy for the week:

Plan together with your family how You could bless someone in your community with a random Act of kindness.

Check out this great book for parents: "The Five Love Languages of Children" and also "The Five Love Languages Of Teenagers" by Gary Chapman.

These books will help you To more effectively meet your child's need of love and support Your child in every area of life.

Scripture of the Week:

"A fool spurns his father's discipline, but whoever heeds correction shows prudence."

Proverbs 15:5

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOur student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad.

How can I help my child?

As a parent, you are your child's first and most important teacher. When you help your child learn to read, you are opening the door to a world of books and learning.

Reading aloud to children is the best way to get them interested in reading.

Before long they will grow to love stories and books.

Eventually they will want to read on their own.

With the help of parents, children can learn how to read and can practise reading until they can read for their own enjoyment.

Then they will have a whole world of information and knowledge at their fingertips!

Reading can be a family activity.

Spending time with word games, stories, and books will help your child to:

* gather information and learn about the world

* learn how stories and books work - that they have beginnings, endings, characters, and themes

* build a rich vocabulary by reading and talking about new words

* learn how to listen and how to think

* learn the sounds of language and language patterns

* fall in love with books

It's natural to want to compare your child's reading abilities with those of other children of the same age, but not all children develop reading skills at the same pace.

What's important is that you are aware of your child's reading level so that you can choose books and activities that will help him or her improve.

Strategy for the week:

Use the tips in this guide and work with your child's teacher and others to improve your child's reading skills.

Scripture of the Week:

"Then our sons in their youth will Be like well-nurtured plants, and Our daughters will be like pillars Carved to adorn a palace,"

Psalms 144:12

Work With Your Child's Teacher

When children see their parents and teachers working Together, they feel more secure and confident.

Taking An interest in your child's education will help your child Do better in school.

Your child's teacher can suggest A variety of strategies that your child can and should Use to learn how to read, and especially to get through Difficult passages.

Your child's teacher may suggest some or all of the following Strategies for your child to try if he or she gets stuck On a word:

* Think about what word would make sense in the story Or sentence.

* Sound the word out.

* Think of a word that looks and sounds similar.

* Look for parts of the word that are familiar.

* Think about what word would sound right in the sentence.

* Check the pictures and the punctuation marks for clues.

* Go back and read again.

* Ask for help with the word.

Strategy for the week:

Use your child's teacher to provide Advice about helping your child learn to read.

Scripture of the Week:

Hear my son your father's instructions and forsake not your mother's teaching, for they are a graceful garland for your head and pendants for your neck."

Proverbs 1:8

We trust that by now you and your child have settled well into a daily reading routine and you are enjoying the process.

Please continue to encourage your child to read on his or her own!

Remember, your child needs to know that you value his or her efforts.

Children learn to read over time, with lots of practice and support from parents and teachers.

Here are some ways you can show your child that you have confidence in his or her ability to learn:

1. Be patient and flexible in your efforts to help your child. Don't forget to set a special time aside every day to read together.

2. Show your child that you see him or her as a growing reader, and praise his or her efforts to learn.

Your Child's Teacher

When children see their parents and teachers working together, they feel more secure and confident.

Taking an interest in your child's education will help your child do better in school.

Your child's teacher can provide advice about helping your child learn to read.

Here are some topics you could discuss with the teacher:

1. your child's reading level, the reading goals for your child and how you can support your child in working towards those goals

2. books that your child could read easily and books that he or she would find more difficult

3. books and authors your child might enjoy

4. the level of your child's interest in reading - for example, whether he or she chooses to read for enjoyment

5. reading strategies your child could use

Strategy for the week:

Be aware of your child's reading level, but use that information in a positive way.
Choose books and activities that are at the right level and that will help your child improve his or her reading skills.
If you are not sure, ask your child's teacher.

Scripture of the Week:

"Hear this you elders, give Ear, all inhabitants of the land!

Has such a thing happened in Your days, or in the days of your Fathers?

Tell your children of it, And let your children tell their Children, and their children to Another generation."

Joel 1:2

Everyone enjoys stories. Since ancient times people have Told and listened to great stories that inspire our imagination And help us learn.

Jesus was a storyteller, teaching us About the kingdom of God and helping us understand how Much God cares for us.

Teaching your child how to listen, Read and to tell or retell a story is one of the greatest tools Your child receives from you to lead a successful and meaningful Life.

Tip 6 - Listen to your child read

As your child learns to read, listen to him or her read Aloud.

Reading to you gives your child a chance to practise And to improve his or her reading skills.

As you listen to your child, remember that your reactions Are important.

Above all, listen without interrupting.

Be enthusiastic And praise your child as often as you can.

If possible, Be specific with your praise so that your child knows What he or she is doing well.

1. Give your child time to figure out tricky words, and show Your child how he or she can learn from mistakes.

2. Try to have your child read aloud to you at times when There will be no interruptions.

3. Make sure that your child selects books that aren't too Difficult. Don't worry if the books your child chooses are A little easier than the ones he or she reads at school.

4. Encourage your child to "listen" to his or her own reading. Listening will help him or her hear mistakes and try To fix them.

5. Take turns reading with your child, especially if he or She is just beginning to read, or try reading together.

6. Talk about a story after your child has read it, to make Sure that he or she understands it.

Strategy for the week:

Show your child that you Are enjoying the story by indicating interest and by asking Questions.

Make sure you also allow your child to learn Good listening skills when you, the expert reader, read to Them.

If your older children stay home During the holidays with their Younger siblings, this Parenting With Power tip will be for you.

One of the reasons that single Parenting is a challenge is that When children need help, there's often Only one place to get it: you.

That means that phone calls May come at inopportune moments for you as a parent.

You Might get a call at work like, "Mum, I'm at school but I forgot My lunch," or "Mum, Tony and I are at home and he's being Obnoxious. Could you tell him to stop?"

You, by the way, Happen to be in an office full of people with little privacy.

Crisis phone calls aren't emergencies but they are times when your Children are stuck and need your leadership to help them get unstuck.

Do you and your children know how to solve these problems Without you yelling in the phone or going back and forth from One child to the other?

Spend some time talking to your children About what you expect or how you want those phone calls to go.

Here are some suggestions for dealing with crisis phone calls:

1) Children have to learn that when they call, they may have to Wait or be called back.

2) You need to take time to listen and ask questions to understand As much of the problem as possible. Only talk to one child At a time. Be empathetic. It's okay that your child called. You don't want to sound like you're too busy to talk. You want your Children to call you when they need help.

3) You may have to give temporary advice but most importantly, Take time to teach children how to get out of this problem themselves Next time. You are equipping your children.

4) Children Must be able to accept the answer and end the phone call graciously Whether they like the solution or not. No hang-ups.

Crisis phone calls are a great teaching opportunity. You may Look at them as a nuisance but they can actually be quite productive.

Jesus never got a crisis phone call but people who Were in crisis often interrupted him.

"But when He saw the Multitudes, He was moved with compassion for them, because They were weary and scattered..." Matthew 9:36.

He took time With the woman who had been bleeding for eleven years; with The man whose daughter was sick; with the father of a boy who Had convulsions.

Jesus was the kind of person you could interrupt.

Are you that kind of person?

If you're a single parent you Have to be able to handle crisis interruptions with grace.

It's Not easy, but it's worth it in the end.

Strategy for the week:

Take time to develop some strategies With your children when they need to make a crisis Phone call. Use the suggested steps as your guide.

Check out this helpful book for parents:

"The 10 Commandments of Parenting", by Ed Young.

If you are a Young parent, this book will help you build your child's character On solid ground. Create a biblical foundation for life's Greatest challenge and the most important calling.

Have a wonderful Christmas break and a relaxing, quality Time with your family.

Getting physically close to your Child is important when giving instructions, Especially with teenagers.

Children need relationship Whether they'll admit it or not.

In fact, the stronger the relationship, The less likely you'll get resistance.

Sometimes children Resent having to share in the workload of running a Household.

You might hear them say something like, "My Parents are always ordering me around. It's like I'm their Slave. Other children don't have to work this hard!"

Of Course that's not true, but when parents take time to show Value for the relationship before giving instructions, they Can build a greater sense of teamwork within their family.

When children can't see how instruction is related to relationship, they're more likely to justify unkind words or Dishonouring actions when they don't like what you've told Them to do.

They don't understand that obedience is a demonstration Of love.

God himself demonstrates His love for us By calling us to be obedient to Him. "I will instruct you and Teach you in the way you should go; I will guide you with my Eye." (Psalm 32:8).

Getting physically close makes a statement About who we are together.

Face-to-face contact says, "I care about you."

Strategy for the week:

By affirming your relationship in The midst of the instruction, you teach your children an important Lesson about the way God relates to us.

Spirituality isn't just a list of do's and don'ts, but it comes within the Confines of relationship.

It is amazing how something as Simple as giving and receiving instructions can give you a Perspective of who God is and how He relates to us.

Check out this helpful book for parents:

"Kingdom Parenting" by Myles Munroe and David Burrows.

This book And study guide provides practical principles for you and Your child to apply to your lives that will combat the forces Aimed at destroying your family. Practical helps to defend Your family include: the Word, building relationships, discipline And the original plan for parenting.

Many parents see a problem and Start giving instructions immediately.

This often means that they yell across the parking lot Or bark commands from the other side of the house.

This Approach isn't the best.

It's not enough to see the need And tell someone to respond to it.

That approach doesn't Demonstrate value for the relationship.

Parenting isn't just About getting tasks done.

It is also about building relationships At the same time.

Start by getting physically close to Your child.

Most of the time this means that before you give An instruction, you call your child over to you.

This presents A problem in many young families because pre-schoolers often don't come when they're called.

The fact is, even older Children don't come when they're called unless they are Taught to do so.

Parents often ask, "What do I do in the grocery store When I call my pre-schooler and he runs away?"

Well, the Grocery store isn't the place to practise.

That's the final Exam!

By practising over and over at home and at the park, Children are then able to respond in public.

Like every step In a good instruction routine, getting close to each other Requires changes from both child and parent.

Children also Find it tempting to yell across the house.

Now children learn That dialogue only takes place when relationship has been Established through eye contact and being physically close Together.

Sometimes it's the small things that demonstrate That a parent cares or that a child is willing to listen.

Putting Down the paper, looking up from the computer, or just turning To face your child before you speak communicates the Importance of what you are about to say.

Some parents report major improvement in a child's responsiveness When they just implement this step and give Instructions only when the child is within a few feet.

Sometimes That little non-verbal statement about your relationship Is all that's needed to gain a more cooperative attitude From your child.

Strategy for the week:

Take time to teach your children How to come when you call them. It takes practice But it is well worth the work.

Check out this helpful book for parents: "Confident Parenting" by Jim Burns.

To counter the usual trial and error Method of parenting, Jim Burns offers time tested advice And strategies for today's families.

Different aspects Of parenting are explored, from dysfunctional families to Creating a warm atmosphere at home to handle discipline Issues and blessing your children with a legacy of faith.

One great way to challenge sibling conflict problems in a Household is to play games with your children. Games are Miniature scenarios about real life.

Whether you're playing a Board game, a card game, or some kind of communication or Role playing game, children have to use relational skills.

Playing games can teach children how to win, how to lose, How to show mercy, and how to talk humbly. As you play Games with your children, model honour.

Have fun and enjoy The game but avoid put-downs, bragging, boasting, hurtful Revenge, and meanness. That seems to be hard even for some Parents these days.

Teach children how to win without being hurtful, how to Lose without complaining, how to make a good move with Humility, and show honour whether you're winning or losing.

Kids need to see these things modelled in games so they can Learn how to handle similar situations in life.

Choose your comments wisely as you correct or confront Others who may not handle themselves well. You may let Some things go, but your comments are important and children Learn from the things you say.

You may see selfishness and bad attitudes demonstrate Themselves.

Look for loving ways to correct while still enjoying The game.

Play games regularly and continue to look For ways to communicate honour and challenge dishonouring Behaviour and words.

You'll be surprised at how much You can teach without your children even realizing they're In a classroom.

Strategy for the week:

Make time this week to play games With your family, teaching your children how to win without Being boastful and losing without complaining.

Check out this helpful book for parents:

"Hopeful Parenting", by David Jeremiah

Parenting is far from easy.

From first steps to first dates, Parenthood is filled with unique challenges. Yet there is no Greater joy than nurturing one of God's most precious gifts.

Be refreshed. Be challenged. Be inspired to build a rich and Deep legacy of faith for your family.

Have you had a sibling brother or sister who was always teasing you when you were little? Can you remember how you felt when the teasing wouldn't stop?

One of the roadblocks to harmony in family life is when siblings act foolishly and end up hurting or offending each other. Foolishness
may be demonstrated by teasing and playing around beyond what's appropriate or wanted. Usually one person wants to stop before the other.

Angry words and tears often bring an end to what started out as fun. Incorporating a "Stop Rule" in your family will help children, and parents for that matter, know when to quit.

The Stop Rule is simply this:

When a child has had enough with a teasing or tickling game, that child just says, "Stop" and the other child must stop the game.

Even parents need to stop when a child doesn't want to be teased anymore.

In fact, a good way to teach this rule is for a parent to tickle a child and stop immediately when the child says "Stop."

Of course, to make this work, you as a parent need to be available to enforce the rule. When you hear one child say, "Stop," watch and see if you are needed to step in to enforce the rule.

The Stop Rule teaches children the value of their words.

When someone is relentlessly teasing, your child will know that his or her personal boundaries are being violated and wants to seek help. This is a helpful rule for creating boundaries in relationships between siblings or playmates and it teaches children adult solutions for solving their childhood problems.

Strategy for the week:

Introduce the "STOP" rule to your children and explain to them the value and power of words.

Check out this helpful book for parents:

"Transforming children into Spiritual Champions" by George Barna.

How can the church and parents teach children something their own parents didn't know how to teach them? This book helps to show how to develop a biblical worldview in your children.

George Barna boldly and faithfully calls on parents and churches to seize opportunity to impact their communities, starting with their children.

When a child runs into a problem, often the most efficient solution at the time is for the parent to solve the problem, but that isn't always what's best for the child.

When troubleshooting a problem with your son or daughter you may want to offer several alternatives by saying, "Let's think of ways other people might solve this problem."

Depending on your child's responsiveness at the moment, you may want to share the worst alternatives first.

This gives the child the opportunity to reject some of the poorer suggestions before
the good ones come.

As you share each alternative, help your child anticipate the consequences.

After sharing a possible solution ask, "What might happen if you do that?" or "I
wonder if _____ might happen if you do that?"

Anticipating consequences helps your child learn to think through each alternative carefully.

After you've given your suggestions, let your child solve the problem. After all, it is his or her problem.

As much as possible, avoid solving problems for children that they can solve for themselves.

When faced with available alternatives children may not want to make any choice.

Life is hard. The possible solutions may all look bleak.

You may ask, "What are you going to do now?" or "Which one of these choices seems like the best one for you?"

Then allow the child to think about the situation.

Once your children realize that the solution is up to them, they are more apt to
take responsibility for choosing a response.

Keep in mind that sometimes children don't want any of the available solutions and therefore resort to complaining.

Complaining takes place in two ways along the process here.

First, children bring us problems by complaining sometimes and then other times children complain because they don't like any of the available alternatives.

Complaining is focusing on a problem without acknowledging or taking responsibility
for the solution.

Complaining is unacceptable.

Don't take responsibility for a child's problem when the child just wants to focus on the negative.

Encourage your children toward solutions, but leave the responsibility in their hands.

Strategy for the week:

Help your child to find solutions to their problems by gently guiding them through the alternatives.

Check out this great book for parents: 'Teach your child how to think', by Edward de Bono, published by Penguin Books.

Take a few minutes and imagine what your children will be like as adults.

Some parents have immediate thoughts of terror and doom, but instead, look at the
good qualities your children have and imagine how those qualities will benefit them later in life.

Then share those observations with your children.

Envisioning a positive future looks beyond the day-to-day discipline and says, "I see qualities in you that are going to make you successful." Statements like, "With that kind of thoughtfulness you're going to make a great husband." Or "Your thoroughness is going to make you a valuable employee someday."

When parents learn to view their children this way, they look past the daily grind of parenting to what their children are becoming.

What is my child good at?

What do I see now that will bring success as my child grows?

We've probably all heard the statement that children believe what we say about them. If a parent tells a child he'll never amount to anything, he's likely to incorporate that into his belief about himself and it may end up becoming true.

We can take that same principle and teach our children to see the good in themselves, the specific ways that God has blessed them.

Interestingly enough, giving our children a positive vision for the future encourages
them to live up to it now.

The qualities we focus on end up being the ones they see in themselves and develop.

Envisioning a positive future gives our children hope and direction. It says, "You're going to make it." "I believe in you." "You have got what it takes."

It's a way to honour our children. After all, God does this for us on a regular basis.

Verses like Philippians 1:6 give us hope to live now to the fullest. "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."

Strategy for the week:

Focus on the positive qualities of your child and speak success and a positive future over their life.

Check out this great book: "Boundaries with Kids" - Dr. H. Cloud and Dr. J. Townsend.

This book is a gold mine of practical information on raising responsible, self-controlled and emotionally healthy children. It is for parents with children of any age and will teach you how to recognise boundary issues, set boundaries
and establish consequences with your children.

Children are at a stage in life where they are developing Their own value system.

Sometimes they seem unresponsive To parental leadership but what you say has more weight Than you imagine.

Take time to identify character strengths And weaknesses and then respond accordingly.

When you See a problem, relating a consequence to the specific weakness Can be more productive than just "grounding" a child.

You might say, "I sense an ungrateful spirit in you, yet you Seem to continually want me to sacrifice. I don't mind helping You, but I'm going to say no this time and I'll watch and See if your gratefulness increases for the things I'm already Doing for you."

This type of response teaches children the Value of gratefulness instead of just considering their own Goals and desires.

A child who lacks thoughtfulness about Household chores may need a Contract where parents agree To drive to an activity if he or she agrees to clean out the Car.

This again forces children to be less demanding and Think of the needs of others.

Sometimes children want to Come and go as they please but expect food on the table And their clothes cleaned.

This Is especially true for teenagers.

Make observations for teens and give them feedback About their character.

"It looks like you're easily influenced by other children."

"You seem to be having trouble managing money."

"Those words are unkind."

Don't overdo negative observations but helping your children See character weaknesses can be an effective way to help them Grow.

Look for positive character qualities to affirm as well.

"Thank you for taking the initiative to clean up the kitchen."

"Looks like you're becoming more conscientious with your Schoolwork."

Strategy for the week:

Giving your children character based Feedback.

Check out this great book for parents: 'Boy oh boy' by Dr Tim Hawkes, published by Pearson Education.

How can we teach our children to develop a 'servant's heart'? One of the roadblocks to sibling harmony is selfishness. Children want to be first or best.

Teaching children to serve others is an important way for them to learn honour. A servant gives more than half, considers others' needs and looks for ways to benefit those around him.

Children who learn to be servants make better employees, spouses and friends.

One fun way to teach your children to be servants is the 'I cut, you pick' rule. It helps children who want the last piece of cake, or plan to split a chocolate bar.

It simply goes like this. When children must divide something between the two of them, ask one child if he or she would rather cut or pick. The other alternative goes to the other child. This plan motivates the person cutting to be as equal as possible. Therefore, instead of two children arguing about who got the biggest piece, they are both involved in the solution.

The technique is as old as the Bible and was used by Abraham and Lot when they had to divide the land between two huge families. Abraham, being a wise servant of God, said 'I cut the land in two pieces and you pick which one you like.'

In the story, Lot chose what appeared to be the better piece of land but Abraham was rewarded in the end and, most importantly, their relationship was preserved.

Strategy for the week:

Next time your children are arguing about 'the last piece', teach them the 'I cut, you pick' rule.

Check out this helpful website for parents:

www.biblicalparenting.org/parentingministry/home.html

Most children don't know how to Listen without thinking about the Next thing they want to say.

If they Do listen, they make statements Like, "I know," or "I can do it better Than that."

Instead, teach children To affirm others in conversation. It is part of learning what it Means to be a servant.

Listening can be hard work. It requires That children think of the other person, not just of themselves.

Children literally need to be taught to say, "I agree" or "You're Right." Instead of launching into their own version of the Story, teach them to encourage the other person first.

"That Must have been exciting," or "You saw a fun thing." Good responses In conversation are "Oh," "That's interesting," or to Ask a question after they have listened carefully to the other Person.

Conversation can be self-serving or others-serving.

If your children continually talk and rarely listen, encourage Them to affirm the last thing you said before they begin Talking. Affirming others' speech is a skill that children will Use forever and it helps them address a little of their own
Selfishness now.

Furthermore, it makes conversations with Children more pleasant and enjoyable.

Strategy for the week:

Set a special time aside this week To teach your child to affirm others by deliberately making Them respond to the things you have to say.

Check out this helpful book for parents: "Parenting Inc." By Terry Hardwick. This book is a comprehensive guide to 21st century parenting. It involves clear, practical guidelines And warning signs to help you succeed in the most important Job of all, raising your children.

One of the helpful steps in equipping children to control their anger is to recognize four causes of anger.

After children have settled down and you debrief with them about their anger, talk
about what's causing it.

You and your child may see patterns and then be able to solve the problem earlier next time.

1) Blocked Goals.

This is the kind of thing that happens to you, as a parent, when you want to do a project in the playroom and find that Billy has left his Lego all over the floor and you keep stepping on them. Or, Billy may want to play with his train set only to find that his sister is using it first. These are blocked goals.

2) Violated Rights.

That's when you, as a parent, are in the bathroom and your daughter keeps knocking on the door. You believe you have the right to go to the bathroom in peace. Your daughter may get angry because her brother came into her room and took her favourite CD. Those are violated rights.

3) Unmet Expectations.

You had expected that when you got home you would be able to rest but instead you find a big mess. Or Jackie thought she would be going to McDonalds but instead you chose to go to Pizza Hut. Those are unmet expectations.

4) Experiencing Unfairness.

When someone takes a toy from a younger child, you may feel angry as a parent because you see unfairness. Or, Tom may feel angry with his teacher because she picked someone else for a privilege he thought he deserved. Those unfair situations can provoke anger.

Whatever the situation may have been, after a child has settled down, talk about the cause. Discuss the value of sacrificing rights, readjusting goals or expectations, and handling unfairness in a godly way.

By examining the causes of anger, you can help children gain greater perspective and develop longer lasting strategies for managing their emotions.

Strategy for the week:

Next time your child gets angry, identify the cause of the anger first.

Once you have established a pattern of anger it is much easier to deal with it.

Check out this helpful website for parents:

www.biblicalparenting.org/FamilyTime.asp