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Five Vital Messages Children Need to Hear When Their Parents are Divorcing

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Telling your children that you and your spouse are going to divorce is probably one of the hardest conversations you will ever have in your lifetime. Divorce is something that many children have great difficulty comprehending. All they know is that they love you and they love their other parent as well. Helping them understand why Mommy and Daddy are no longer both going to live with them in the same home is never easy.

During your conversation explaining the divorce to your children there are five messages it is vital they receive from you. The first time you tell them these things they may not really believe you or completely understand what you are saying. You may have to deliver the messages repeatedly, in different words or ways, over the course of the next few months. It is normal for them to feel insecure and less trusting than usual now. If you keep repeating these messages, though, they will come to believe them. Here's the five messages:

This is not your fault

One of a child's first reactions upon hearing that their parents are divorcing is often to blame themselves. If only they'd been good enough, had kept their room cleaner or fought less with their brother. If they hadn't needed all those shoes they kept growing out of, or asked for money to play soccer. They need to understand it was none of those things. This is about Mom and Dad having disagreements about opinions, not about the child. Even if the argument concerns the child (disagreements over bedtime or homework, etc) they need to understand you are not fighting about them. You are arguing about issues that concern them and the family. That doesn't mean it's their fault.
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We will always be your parents

Make it clear that no matter what happens, no matter how far in the future, you will always be their mom and dad. They are not losing either one of you. You each love them endlessly and nothing will change that or the fact that you are and always will be their mother and father.

Change is a part of life

Think of life as a big book with many chapters. Chapters move the story along, bringing change and progress. One explanation for divorce is that it is simply making some changes in life. Life is continually changing. Summer turns to fall, winter turns to spring. Children's bodies grow and change. Now it is time for some other changes. Change is not about good or bad but about what works and what doesn't. If one way is not working then it's time to try a different way.

Everything will be okay

Changes may be frightening at first, but it always works out in the end. Sometimes families move or children have to change schools. It's not always easy to face the necessary changes in life, but in the long run everything is okay.

We will always love you

There is nothing that could ever make us stop loving you. Divorce or no divorce, night or day, when you're five or when your fifty, Mom and Dad will both always love you. It would be easier to steal the moon out of the sky than it would be possible to stop you from loving your child. That is the most important message of all.
Reinforce these messages whenever you suspect your child is worrying about the divorce, feeling sad or insecure. It may take time and patience, but your words will get through. Together, you and your children will overcome the challenges of divorce.

Parents Are Divorcing

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michaelk08

I am a father of two girls, husband to my gorgeous and talented wife, and an attorney practicing in criminal and family law.

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