Party Etiquette - The Rules of Entertaining
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What Makes A Great Party Host, Hostess or Guest?
Some customs and traditions remain from then, but now we tend to place more importance on politeness, friendliness and having an enjoyable time over deciding who should sit at the host's right hand (traditionally the most mature or respected female guest) or in which order you should introduce your guests to each other.
If you are planning a dinner party at home, or have been invited to one, I hope that this lens will shed some light on what behaviours should be expected at such events.
Be The Perfect Host
The host or hostess should think of themselves as a swan, paddling manicly to get everything done on time but appearing beautiful, relaxed and smiling to all of their guests.
Firstly, you should ensure that all of your guests are invited personally, preferably through the post and followed up with a telephone call.
Invitations should be conscise, but certain to include all necessary information such as date, times, venue and dress code. Furthermore, have you invited other halves or plus ones? Would it be suitable for them to bring their baby? Will smoking be allowed in the house? Have you included the telephone number of a local taxi firm or hotel for those living further away?
The people that you invite will require some thought. Have two people conflicted at past gatherings? Is she going to bring her new partner and her ex be there? Are there too many introverts and not enough conversation starters?
Careful consideration of who is invited and where they will sit will create a far better dynamic. Chatty and quieter guests can be mixed up subtley by writing hand-made place settings for the table.
When calling people to confirm their RSVP, ask if anyone has any allergies, intolerances or particular dislikes to allow you to design a menu that will suit everybody.
On the day of the party don't be afraid to delegate. Ask a close friend to keep an eye out for anyone who isn't getting involved in conversation and help to get them integrated into the discussions. The best way to introduce people to each other is to use full names and give some context of how you know them both, something they have in common or someone who they know mutually (apart from yourself!) If you ask in advance, a good friend will not mind taking charge of the hor d'ouvres and topping up glasses whilst you are doing final preparations in the kitchen.
Make sure, however, that you open the door to guests and welcome them warmly. Accept any gifts graciously, take their coats and furnish them with a glass of their choice.
If an unexpected guest arrives, be civilised and don't let your frustration or panic show on your face. Be aware that this person probably didn't know what they were coming to and has probably been dragged along by someone assuring them that it'll be no trouble. Calmly go to the dining room, squeeze in an extra place, be a good samaritan and sacrifice your healthy portion for them, whilst saying through gritted teeth that you're fine with a pigeon sized portion, you've been snacking all day.
The most important thing for any host or hostess to do is be smiley, fun and welcoming, as they set the tone for the entire evening.
A Little Light Reading
'Debrett's' are the epitome of everything to do with good manners. Debrett's books are the oldest published literature on etiquette and have been educating us mere mortals on behaving 'proper' since 1769. After reading this you'll be behaving so properly, you'd put Mary Poppins to shame.
Rather a contrast is 'Etiquette for Dummies' , written in layman's terms to transform any bumbling idiot into a suave, confident and charming addition to any party.
My personal favourite, written in 1861'Mrs Beeton's Book of Household Management' is something no modern housewife (or husband) should be without. My personal copy is like a bible of how to be a domestic goddess - not like that horrific Anthea Turner! It follows me around the house, from recipes to be used in the kitchen, handy cleaning tips and chapters on smoothly running all aspects of a efficient and welcoming home.
One of the first chapters outlines how to throw a successful party at home and I will treat you with this delightful quote:
"When dinner is finished, the dessert is placed on the table, accompanied by finger glasses. It is the custom of some gentlemen to wet a corner of the napkin; but the hostess, whose behaviour will set the tone to all the ladies present, will merely wet the tips of her fingers, which will serve all the purposes required. The French and other continentals have a habit of gargling the mouth; but it is a custom no English gentlewoman should, in the slightest degree, imitate."
Be A Delightful Guest
The following steps will ensure that you are a courteous and exemplary guest at any occasion:- Always RSVP. As soon as you can. People understand that it takes time to check diaries, organise childcare or re-arrange other commitments, but you should aim to respond within seven days of receiving the invitation.
- Take along a thoughtful gift for the host. Wine, chocolates, preserves, home baked delicacies and flowers will always go down well. Make it clear that it is for them to enjoy in their own time. If you take along flowers, ensure they are already in water to save the host the hassle of having to prepare a vase when she already has a lot on her plate.
- Leave your troubles at home. Nobody wants to look at a sour faced old trout across the table, so whether or not you've just had World War III with your other half in the car on the way, put on your best stiff upper lip and pretend, just for one night to be a vision of marital bliss. For the sake of your company, at least.
- Arrive on time. Your host has probably been the slave to a strict schedule all day in an effort to provide you with al denté vegetables, a pink steak and a puffy soufflé. You turning up late and postponing supper will not go down well as she serves up food that's been 'kept warm' for an hour - resulting in soggy greens, meat as tough as an old car tyre and a soufflé that's more like the consistency of a lump of cheese.
- Don't turn up with uninvited guests. You may be dying to show off your new squeeze, but dragging him or her along without letting your host know in advance can only spell disaster. Chances are that all three of you will end up feeling embarrassed as the poor person gets squeezed onto the end of the table, with only a plastic garden chair left to sit on, whilst the host apologises to the rest of the company for the measly rationed portions, and they look at the pair of you like you're no better than common gatecrashers.
- Let the host know as soon as you arrive if a change of plan requires you to leave early. In an ideal world, you would have telephoned the host in advance if there was any reason for you to have to leave the party early. However, sometimes unexpected events cause you to have to nip off swiftly after dinner. Be sure to let the host know, and apologise as you arrive. When it is time to make a dash, say goodbye subtly and quietly, without causing a scene. Make sure that you call the host the next day to say thank you and ask how the remainder of the evening went.
- Help the host out. By making conversation and involving others in your discussions. You may not be a fan of small talk or feel that you have little in common, but your perseverance will mean that the host has one less thing to worry about.
- Avoid confrontation The last thing anybody wants at a party is an argument, if you find your blood boiling to the sound of some tart boasting about her vintage fur or overhear a particularly bad-tasting joke, don't rise to the bait. Distance yourself from anyone who may cause you to make a scene, especially after a couple of glasses of wine.
- Be a responsible drinker. As above, having one or two too many can make you very susceptible to a bout of bad behaviour. Know your limits, drink a glass of water in between alcoholic ones and whatever you do, don't even think about driving home if you're over the limit.
The Most Important Thing
for the guests to do at any party is to say "thank you". Whether it's a telephone call the next day, a postcard or some flowers through the post, manners are the key to being a great guest and friend.
Eating Graciously
The video below is an easy-to-imitate guide to laying a table properly. I can't count how many times I've had a slapped wrist from my boyfriend for laying the knives blade side out - how positively heathen of me! I hope it helps those of us who could do with a bit of help when it comes to laying the silverware to a gold standard.Apart from the old faithful 'work from the outside in', here are my top tips for surviving dinner under the scrutiny of a etiquette ambassador:
1) Place your napkin on your lap - to avoid spills and crumbs. If you need to get up from the table, place your napkin on your seat until you return.
2) Think of your plate as a clock face - and your cutlery as the hands. A knife and fork at twenty past seven would imply that you haven't finished eating and are just having a quick breath. When you are finished, your knife and fork should be placed at a twenty-five to eight position. Dirty cutlery should never touch the tablecloth.
3) Don't tuck in until everyone has been served - and the host invites you to start. Even then, don't shovel it in, eat with your fingers or talk with your mouth full. It seems like mother does know best!
How To Lay A Table Beautifully
Those Little Niggles...
There are some things that no-one knows the definitive answer to. If you have ever been sat at a dinner party thinking "what on earth am I supposed to do now?" you are not alone.
Here are just a few things that have left me perplexed:
SHOES - on or off?
OLIVE PIPS - where do you put them?
I DON'T LIKE THE FOOD - am I going to insult the host?
A GUEST IS DRUNK - how do I deal with them?
I WANT TO GO TO BED! - why won't they go home?
I'll offer my opinion on these soon, but in the meantime, feel free to discuss your top etiquette tips with us in the 'polite chat' section.
Furthermore, if you have anything that you wish to ask, make sure you post it here. I'm sure some posh folk will come to our aid and answer any questions we have.
by Party_Girl
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