Plastic Flamingos - Tacky to the Core

My dear friends...

It has taken me some time to emotionally stabilize myself enough to write this heartbreaking note. It is entirely possible, due to the thoughtlessness of our modern news world, that you are not aware that production of the authentic Don Featherstone pink flamingo has ended forever.

Union Products (I'm so sorry, please take this tissue as you read on), producer of the great plastic lawn ornament that has brought so much joy to our planet, closed its doors in November of 2006 - although they stopped making mingos in June.

Founded in 1946, Union Products flourished with the making of Don (and his wife, Nancy) F.'s plastic fellows. They had to close down last year, having lost a crucial amount of financing, but also due to increasing costs of plastic resin (the lifeblood of our pink brothers) and electricity.

I wish there were more that I could tell you, but even finding this information took a bit of research. So though your heart is breaking, hold your authentic Don's close and care for them as you never have before.

We will never forget our pink brothers.

Society owes an eternal debt of gratitude to Sir (an honorary title I have given him) Donald Featherstone - father, if you will, of the original lawn flamingo.

Before 1957 there were plastic flamingos on the market - sad, lonely 2-dimensional things longing to evolve into their true potential: 3-dimensional glory. It was Don Featherstone who aided their cause.

Hearing the desperate cry of the American masses for tacky lawn art, Featherstone sat down and sculpted the very first 3-dimensional plastic flamingo. He classified his creation in latin: phoenicopteris ruber plasticus. Each flamingo carries the mark of their creator - his signature can be found under the tail of all original flamingos, as the picture accompanying this section attempts to display.

His prowess in spawning this great creation was awarded in 1996 when he won the coveted lg Noble Prize (a parody of the Nobel Prizes, which are awarded annually in October).

I have been collecting flamingos since that fateful day at Epcot Center when I was 11 years old...

It was a hot, boring day. I was displaying my discontent in all the usual ways: harassing my brother, talking back to my parents, muttering grim threats under my breath, and cursing the day I was born (for melodrama is imbedded in my DNA).

As we neared a large bridge I made a solemn oath: if I didn't see a flamingo when we crossed that bridge I would transform myself completely into the child from hell...but if a pink bird would show itself then I would try to perk up and be a good kid (you see I was not entirely without conscience).

I stepped wearily onto the bridge, fully anticipating to see nothing but a sea of tourists wandering in the heat...

I blinked...

My eyes slowly opened and before me...hundreds of glorious pink beauties. Weird beaks, gawky eyes, feeblish legs as far as the eye could see.

I smiled and stopped stomping on my brother's feet, sassing my folks, and was genuinely glad I had been born after all.

Since then I've had a raging obsession with anything flamingo - plastic, blown glass, stuffed, plush, cups...well the list goes on, but the point is I've only met one other person who shared my fascination. And so you find me here, typing away my time with a tribute to that funny looking pink bird of joy...hoping you'll join me in my love of that thing we call the flamingo.

PLEASE watch this video and take note...do not let THIS happen to you...

Frank is an honorable know-it-all flamingo who feels the need to flex his wings of knowledge to impress human society. Post a question for Frank in the feedback box below and check back to see what he has to say.

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groovyoldlady writes:

"Dear Frank, My mother-in-law lives with us and she detests tacky pink lawn ornaments. How do I get around her bias, yet still live with her?"

Frank Says ~

Bias is a tricky thing, and not easily gotten around. I suspect by the mere asking of this question that you have shocked your mother-in-law by letting your flamingos flock across the lawn in full number with no warning. With someone of unstable values (i.e. anyone who mildly dislikes or hates lawn flamingos) it is best to introduce them to your collection gradually.

For instance, ask her if she'd mind if you had a friend come to tea and then sit sipping for an hour or two with one of your best behaved plastic flamingos. Let her see you interact with tacky lawn birds in a non-threatening environment and see if she does not soon come to your thinking on the matter. Once she realizes that plastic flamingos are people just like her you will see a rapid decline in her prejudice - yea, you will even see an affectionate twinkle come into her eye whenever a plastic flamingo she meets.

If, in the end, your mother-in-law is unable to mend her ways (within three months of gentle coaxing) you will, unfortunately, have to cease living within 50 miles of her (plastic flamingos require no less than 50 miles of separation from any hostile human forces for their own peace of mind. If you do not observe this recommendation you will quickly find yourself abandoned by all things pink and feathery).

Pretend all you want, but you are no flamingo-lover until you own this book. A compilation of over 100 pictures taken of the original lawn flamingo in every walk of life, collected in honor of Don Featherstone's 40th birthday in 1997 and captioned neatly (and by 'neatly' I mean tongue-in-cheekily) with quips and chapter intros by Tom Herzing.


Original Pink Flamingos: Splendor on the Grass